I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
April 29, 2014
A whole lot of people have read my blog post on how wistful I feel at times about the fact that my seven-year-old son is my last child.
But I have to be completely honest– While there’s a part of me that will always miss the baby and preschool years now that my children have left them behind, there’s also a part of me that’s doing a major happy dance over the fact that I will NEVER, EVER, NOT. EVER. BE PREGNANT AGAIN.
Yes, friends, I’m just going to come out and say it. Pregnancy sucked. And while, trust me, I was beyond grateful that I could get pregnant and so happy and relieved that healthy babies resulted from both of my pregnancies, I’m also going to have a little fun here and list all the reasons I’m glad, so very glad, that the pregnancy stage of my life is over forever.
Are you ready? Let’s do this.
1. That “Tell no one for the first three months” policy was total bullsh*t.
I mean, I understand the reasoning behind keeping pregnancy a secret during the first trimester, but I absolutely hated keeping my big news to myself– especially since to outsiders, it appeared that I was gaining weight, sleeping around the clock, crying at the drop of a hat, and spending an inordinate amount time in the restroom FOR NO REASON WHATSOEVER.
By my second pregnancy, I told the whole entire world within hours –hours– of taking a pee test from the Dollar Tree. Because I’m classy like that.
5. There is no such thing as cute maternity clothing.
Seriously. There isn’t. I don’t care if you spent $20 or $200 on a maternity top, it is still just a fabric tent for your ginormous belly– AND THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
3. I could not. Stop. Sleeping.
It was bad enough trying to fit a two hour nap into my work schedule each day (luckily, I worked from home both times I was pregnant)- but my pregnancy sleep needs were especially annoying when my husband and I took a pre-baby trip to Seattle shortly after I got pregnant, and I spent two or three hours snoring in the hotel room every single day of our vacation. He was very nice about it, but I’m sure it wasn’t exactly the best vacation he’s ever had.
4. Morning sickness blew chunks. (Heh.)
Okay, I’m lying about this one. I had no morning sickness. None.
But don’t hate me just yet– I had another problem.
My obstetrician had warned me that during pregnancy, my occasional, mild migraines might get worse. She was right. OH LORD was she ever right. During both of my pregnancies, I got the most excruciatingly painful migraines you could possibly imagine- migraines that made my arm and the side of my face tingly and numb, that made me see spots and develop tunnel vision, and that, one memorable morning, left me unable to form coherent words for a full thirty minutes of I-must-be-dying terror. I am so glad that’s over. So glad.
5. Two words I hope I’ll never have to hear again: Transvaginal Ultrasound.
I was having sharp pains early on in my first pregnancy so I went in for an early sonogram. Imagine my horror when the ultrasound tech handed me what looked like a dildo with a condom on it and told me that using it was the only way they could get the images they needed. WHAT THE WHAT?! As embarrassing as this is to write about, it was about 1,000,000 times more humiliating to LIVE THROUGH IT. Never again, you guys. Never. Again.
6. Pregnancy constipation? It’s epic.
Everyone has trouble pooping sometimes, right? Only during pregnancy, it’s different. It’s AWFULLY different. It’s mind-bogglingly, OMG-I-might-end-up-in-the-emergency-room-for-this-and-then-I-will-die-of-embarrassment different. In retrospect, maybe pregnancy constipation is just our bodies giving us a little taste of what childbirth will feel like. You have my permission to write your doctoral thesis on this subject if you’d like.
7. The only sex talk going on in my bedroom while I was pregnant involved guessing the gender of the baby.
Like many men out there, my husband was concerned about somehow inadvertently hurting the baby during our, ahem, physical relations. Thus, during both pregnancies we were less like bunnies in the bedroom and more like… GalΓ‘pagos tortoises. Do you get my drift?
8. For nine long months, there was no sushi. No alcohol. No coffee. No tuna. No alcohol. No peanut butter. No lunch meat. No brie. No alcohol. No deli meats. No swordfish. No herbal tea. No alcohol. etc. etc. et-frigging-c.
OMG, y’all, the list is endless. Practically everything that’s fun to imbibe or consume has been found to be detrimental to your unborn child. This was especially frustrating to me because…
9. I was deeply, truly, madly hungry every second of every minute of every hour of every day.
Particularly during the third trimester, I was never not starving. PLUS, there was the fact that food never tasted as good as it did while I was pregnant, which seems like a good thing now- at least until I remember that it contributed in a major way to number 10 on my list…
10. I gained 70 pounds during both pregnancies. SEH. VEN. TEE.
I had every intention of being one of those annoying mommies-to-be who only gained weight in my belly and stayed tiny everywhere else… but no. I was never not hungry, remember? Consequently, I blew up like the Goodyear Blimp– both times. EVEN MY NOSE GAINED WEIGHT. And while breastfeeding definitely helped take some of the pregnancy pounds off, it took YEARS to lose it all.
11. I never have to worry again about growing a third boob.
Read this. Then share it with any teenage girls you know, because I believe it could be a very effective form of birth control.
12. No more cankles.
By my third trimester, any time I was standing for more than an hour, my ankles and feet swelled to elephantine proportions. Put yourself in my (now way-too-small) shoes: You feel bad, you look bad, you look down and… you have cankles. Well played, pregnancy. Well played.
13. Strangers rubbed my belly. Like, a lot.
It’s truly amazing how many people thought it was okay to just walk right up and rub my belly while I was pregnant. What was with that, anyway? Did they think I was going to grant them a freaking wish? GAH.
14. I was intimately acquainted with every public restroom in Nashville.
At least, that’s the way it seemed at the time. I needed a pee break, like, every 15 minutes, and OH THE AGONY if I had to wait in line. Those were definitely not good times.
15. Everyone wanted to share their pregnancy horror stories with me.
It was as if my big pregnant belly was a hypnotic spiral that compelled every woman who saw it to run up to me and share her personal story of how the umbilical cord wrapped around her baby’s neck and almost strangled it. Or how she bled out and almost died during her c-section. Or how she developed pre-eclampsia and was on bedrest at the hospital for months. Or how her baby was born two months early.
Seriously, ladies? Did you really need to tell me these things WHILE I WAS PREGNANT?
No. You did not. STFU.
16. I was constantly worried that something would go wrong.
This was due in part to number 14, but horror stories also abounded in every pregnancy book and magazine and website and message board that I looked at while pregnant. According to everyoneintheworld, a whole lot of things can go wrong while you are pregnant, and by the time you actually have your first child, you will know about every. Single. One of them. I guarantee it.
17. I had to compete with my husband’s ‘sympathy pregnancy.’
Most husbands gain pregnancy weight right along with their wives, but my husband was special– His sympathy pregnancy revealed itself as a strange compulsion to compare all of my symptoms with his own.
ME: Oh no, I think I feel another migraine coming on. Could you please grab those painkillers the doctor prescribed me?
HIM: You think YOU have a headache? I’VE had an allergy headache for the last three days! It’s driving me nuts! I’ll be right back- I’m going to go pick up some Benadryl.
ME: The baby’s position is making my back hurt SO bad.
HIM: I know what you mean! I had to stand for two hours at work yesterday and MY back’s been killing me ever since! I think I’ll set up an appointment with the chiropractor tomorrow!
ME: Here comes another labor pain! OOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWW!
HIM: Just a second, honey. I’m trying to massage out this tendonitis in my arm. You wouldn’t believe how incredibly painful tendonitis is!”
You get the picture.
18. Random people’s observations about my pregnancy made me want to punch them in the throat.
“Wow, are you having twins?” one so-called friend asked when he ran into me while I was five months pregnant. “No, just one,” I answered, frowning. “And you’re only five months along?” he asked. “Are you SURE you’re not having twins?”
“You’re seven months pregnant?” the cashier at the grocery asked me. “Wow, my sister is seven months pregnant and she’s A LOT smaller than you!”
Thanks, asshats. Thanks a lot.
19. I still had a day job, along with supervisors who weren’t necessarily sympathetic to my condition.
I worked throughout both my pregnancies and it wasn’t easy. At one point, I was producing a television show while I was eight and a half months pregnant and working around the clock to get it done. I’ll never forget when my supervisor called me on the phone and screamed at me until he was hoarse because I dared to take Saturday off in order to rest and recover. And this man had children of his own. I hear stories like this from pregnant women all the time- and it makes me really sad.
20. My unborn son gave me an internal beatdown I will never forget.
My daughter was very dainty while still in the womb. She would politely rearrange herself from time to time and I’d hold my belly and smile tenderly.
My son was another story.
Apparently, the kid was doing push-ups and squats while in utero, because when he arrived two weeks early, he weighed in at a very solid ten pounds. As you can imagine, my last month of my pregnancy with him was agony- He punched and kicked and stomped and windmilled until I’m pretty sure that all of my internal organs were bruised. Happiness was the day my water broke.
21. ‘Walk of Shame’ took on a whole new meaning.
Many women rush to the hospital when they’re in labor, only to be told that their cervix hasn’t dilated enough for them to be assigned to a room. At this point, the poor pregnant woman, clad only in a hospital gown, is instructed to walk around and around the maternity ward for an hour, in an attempt to get things going.
“Can I at least put my clothes back on?” I whispered when this happened to me.
“No,” the nurse replied. “We’ve already checked you in. I hesitated. “Don’t worry,” she said briskly. “You’ll see lots of other women out there doing the same thing.”
Um. No, Nurse. I didn’t. What I did see were dozens and dozens of strangers who had come to the maternity ward to see their friend’s/family member’s/co-worker’s new baby. And what they saw was a hugely pregnant woman with bedhead and an exposed backside, crying from pain and embarrassment and staggering down the hall. Fortunately, my mother let me borrow her oversized Chanel sunglasses in an attempt to make me less noticeable.
22. Childbirth was literally the most embarrassing moment of my entire life.
First, let me say that I was THRILLED and RELIEVED that the experience ended in a healthy, screaming (24 hours a day for the next six weeks in one instance) baby– but a continuous parade of medical-type people doing strange and mysterious and often painful things between my legs is not my idea of a good time. From the knowledge that many things were likely coming out of my body as I pushed like I had never pushed before, to my entire family entering the delivery room to see the baby while I was still spreadeagled on the delivery table, to the grim-faced nurse who insisted on watching me go to the bathroom right after I had delivered a child for god’s sake, the whole thing was just one long string of humiliating moments, start to finish.
23. But wait! There was more!
After pregnancy, the hospital sends you home with all kinds of personal mementos, all of which indicate that you’ve truly hit rock bottom. There are the enormous absorbent pads that you sleep on top of every night so that you won’t stain your mattress. There are the sexy mesh pregnancy panties, which are literally the most horrifying piece of clothing that I have ever put on my body. There’s the handy-dandy squirt bottle, which you are to use in lieu of toilet paper. There are the hemmorhoid pads. Gotta love hemmorhoid pads! And there’s the prescription for stool softener. You leave that hospital knowing you are in for an awesome two weeks.
24. Breastfeeding was not what I thought it would be.
Okay, so technically breastfeeding happens after the pregnancy, but the two are related, so I’m going to include it here. Particularly during the first few weeks, breastfeeding, for me, was a living hell. It hurt so bad for the first two weeks that I’d cry just anticipating the next feeding. It was often uncomfortable, it was awkward to have to do it in front of other people (and with 4 kids that all needed me to drive them places, I had no choice but to do it while we were out and about), and the hospital-grade milking machine we bought to help with the job was a nightmare in and of itself. I breastfed because it’s what the doctors recommended, but I wasn’t sad at all to give it up.
25. I have quite enough stretch marks now, thankyouverymuch.
Pregnancy definitely messed with my physique, particularly the second time around when I became a human punching bag for my unborn son. I’m glad I won’t be submitting my body to another round.
Yes, friends. Pregnancy sucked– but if I had do do it all over again?
I wouldn’t hesitate.
I now have two kids whom I love beyond reason- They’ve rocked my world, tested my sanity, and made my life complete.
And I have to admit– Every time I hold a baby, I think for just a moment about how much fun it would be to do all of this over again.
Nuts, isn’t it?
That’s motherhood for you.
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Images: 1. Sarah/Flickr, 2. Katie Tegtmeyer/Flickr 3. Ryan Vaarsi/Flickr, 4. Emergency Break/Flickr, 5. Motherhood Maternity, 6. Exlax.org, 7. Boston Public Library/Flickr 8. Morguefile, 9. Ben Britten/Flickr, 10. Peter Dutton/Flickr, 11.Morguefile, 12. Dog4aDay/Flickr, 13. Katina Rogers/Flickr, 14. Morguefile 15. Possible/Flickr 16. Alan Antiporda/Flickr, 17. TatianaVDB/Flickr 18. Matt P/Flickr 19. Morguefile, 20. Christopher Luna/Flickr, 21. Frances Bijl/Flickr, 22. Matthew Gosselin/Flickr, 23. Amazon, 24. Daniel Modo/Flickr, 25. Patrick Fitzgerald/Flickr
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From this 24 week pregnant second-time mom, I say you really hit it on the head. I know you merely mentioned stool softeners, but I truly feel like “That First Poop After Delivery” should get its own section. There is nothing more terrifying than that first poop. It took me four days. FOUR DAYS OF NO POOPING. There isn’t a stool softener in the world that can handle that. I had a house full of people the day it decided to finally make its way out and I monopolized the one and only bathroom for more than 45 minutes. My family could hear me in there crying and screaming, cheering myself on (“You got this! You can do it!”) and talking myself out of it (“It’s okay if you never poop again. It’s okay. You’ll be fine.”) I finally came out sweaty and tear stained with leaking boobs, cause of course I was late for a feeding because of poop. But I high-fived every in the that damn house. Good God, it’s the one thing that I really, truly, absolutely, positively am dreading.
Ha ha, you’re right! Hilarious description!
As horrifying as those mesh panties were – admit it, they were THE BEST THING EVER because they held those pads with the ice pack in place. Couldn’t wait to throw them all away, but they were the right thing at the right time. I tell every first time mom-to-be, be sure to ask for extra of those ice-pack pads; you’re welcome.
As an HR person, I get to walk moms and dads to be through the maze of disability claims and FMLA time off. And every single time, I’m like, better you than me! That is, until I see a photo of a brand new tiny human, and then my ovaries ache for a small moment… but then it passes and I remember how my teenagers are surely plotting my untimely demise through prolonged and senseless mental torture.
You’re right- I’m going to give the gift of mesh panties at the next baby shower I attend! I’m sure the mom-to-be will be SO GRATEFUL. π
OMG I had forgotten about some of these things and it’s only been 5 years! #23 especially. I had forgotten about the squirt bottles, mesh panties and stool softener. And the occasional blood clots… ewww! *shudder* It didn’t help that I am extremely squeamish. The first 2 weeks or so of recovery was so much worse than the actual birth (for me). *shudder* at the memories.
Oh, the blood clots… I had forgotten about the blood clots. *dry heave*
You’re welcome π
This is the best post ever! You described everything just right! Are you sure you aren’t me???
I had a miscarriage at sixteen weeks in between daughter 1 and daughter 2. A few days after my D&C I was still bleeding too much. In the ER they tell me I’m going to have an ultrasound. Fine. I get in there and the female tech hands me the condom covered dildo. I swear if the tech had been a man I would have asked for his supervisor. Even after giving birth once I had never heard of a transvaginal ultrasound.
After the horrible week before that day I almost started laughing hysterically.
By the way, love the pic of the mesh panties!
I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. I can’t imagine getting that ultrasound after that. I would have been tempted to just leave!
As someone who has had upwards of two dozen trans-vag ultrasounds (miscarriage, endometriosis, IVF, etc), I’m here to tell you, you want the male tech. So much gentler and concerned, and they use the right amount of goop. Those girls always squirt a whole tube of that gunk on there.
Mine was a woman and she made me do it myself- which was possibly my most awkward moment of all time.
That. Is. Horrible.
It’s concerning to me how thin and beautiful that models belly is in the mesh panty picture. Why are you wearing those if you haven’t just given birth?
Because they’re so sexy! π
Sorry, most of those do not apply to everyone, I had no morning sickness, did not mind giving up stuff (even alcohol) and with the help of magnesium sill never be constipated again (best ever gentle remedy). Plus the bonus is that stretch marks are 100% recyclable! No need to ever get new ones!!! π
Dear GOD the constipation!!! While pregnant with my first I could not poop for an entire week. I was so miserable. Finally, on our anniversary no less, I said to my husband “I will be in the bathroom until further notice. Do not be alarmed by whatever you may hear.” Well I felt much better after that, and my husband cheered and then took me out to dinner and to get a massage. π Why don’t I get a date and a massage every time I poop???
Oh, the memories… I hope you included this in your pregnancy scrapbook! π
Jesus you are such a DIVA! How dare you complain about the most amazing gift in life. Some women would DIE to be able to get pregnant. Shame on you. This article was ridiculous.
just stumbled upon this article in Pinterest. I had to click it because I can relate to the title so much. I just gave birth to my last a few months ago and I do a little happy dance every time I think of an annoying pregnancy thing I never have to endure again. Thanks for the awesome read! Glad Iβm not the only one who feels this way!