6 Signs a Disney Princess IS PART OF AN INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZED CRIME RING

The Disney Princesses…

They are the sparkling jewels of the Magic Kingdom. Bright-eyed and innocent, wholesome and pure, they embody all the feminine virtues Walt Disney surely held most dear.

OR DO THEY?

Behind the (surprisingly thin) walls of Cinderella’s castle, these so-called princesses are living a lie. Rumor has it that many of them are part of an international ring of criminals known as The Jiminy Syndicate, with ties to the Mascot Mafia in New York. Federal agents speaking under the condition of anonymity tell us this is the worst case of organized crime they’ve seen since The Apple Dumpling Gang, led by Don Knotts, held Frontierland in its terrible grip more than three decades ago.

Ringleader and convicted felon Ethel Merganthaler (a.k.a. THE GODMOTHER), has convinced an untold number of Disney’s darlings to trade their honor for a life filled with guns frying pans, diet pills, money, and murder. And if you’re not careful, YOU MAY BECOME THEIR NEXT VICTIM.

So how can you tell if the Disney Princess you just waited in line five hours to meet is part of an organized crime ring?

Know the signs:

 THE JIMINY WAVE.

 Watch each princess carefully when she waves. An extended pinky finger distinguishes a member of the Jiminy Syndicate from her law-abiding counterpart.

 

 Jiminy members often use this coded wave during parades to establish their territory, which includes Fantasyland, Main Street USA, and parts of Tomorrowland.

 

Veteran syndicate members occasionally invert the Jiminy Wave. This is meant to indicate to exhausted and vulnerable parents that they have ‘pixie dust’ for sale.

 

THE SQUEEZE. 

 Roughly translated, The Squeeze means, “Cross me and I will crush you like a cockroach between the divinely smooth palms of my hands.”

 

Jiminy members often use this signal when they spot potential rivals. Female park guests with dimples are advised to be on heightened alert, as dimples are a coveted status symbol among syndicate members.

 

In the event that you spot more than one princess exhibiting The Squeeze, you are urged to immediately leave the area and contact authorities. This particular image came from a camera found by federal agents on Disneyland’s Main Street sidewalk. Its owner was never seen or heard from again.

THE PEACOCK.

Organized crime experts have noted that Jiminy Syndicate princesses often fan their skirts in a signal known as The Peacock when they feel threatened. The experts believe this move is intended to make the princesses appear larger and more intimidating, thus convincing predators or guests with excessive body odor to stay back.

 

 Should you see The Peacock occur while taking a picture, agents advise that you lower your camera and back slowly away, maintaining constant eye contact with the princess.

 

If you are successful, the princess will make a motion with her hand indicating the all-clear to other syndicate members. If you are not successful, well…

You might want to watch out for stray arrows, is all I’m sayin.’

THE DOUBLE J.

 Often mistaken as a heart, this hand signal is actually meant to represent two upside-down J’s.

For Jiminy. Duh.

Syndicate members use the Double J to indicate that they have just committed a crime. These two princess are now facing charges for a scam involving the sale of dozens of pond frogs that they claimed had magical properties.

 

  This alleged syndicate member is currently serving two years in prison for defacing the ozone layer through excessive use of aerosol hairspray.

 

 And agents say this princess is believed to be the king-, er, queenpin behind sales to cast members of a synthetic opiate known on Main Street as ‘Sleepy B.’

HEAD ON A PLATTER. 

 This chilling symbol is the Jiminy equivalent of drawing a finger across the throat.

 

 Guests who are targeted by a princess making this signal are urged to avoid spinning wheels, stepmothers, voodoo magicians, apples, townspeople with torches and pitchforks, and huntsmen for the duration of their Disney visit.

DEVIL HORNS.

 The ‘Devil Horns’ signal is the latest and most troubling development in the Jiminy Syndicate saga. Once covert in their illicit dealings, lately these pilfering princesses aren’t even bothering to hide their ties to PURE EVIL.

 

The Devil Horns signal is used to acknowledge the spread of villainy, to declare the princesses’ intent of Total (Disney) World Domination…

 

 …and to spread their ridiculously illicit illegalness to the impressionable Youth of the World.  

 

So be on your guard the next time you visit the Magic Kingdom.

That fresh-faced Disney Princess may make you her next target.

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Header image via Flickr Creative Commons.