>My cell phone rang this afternoon while I was at the supermarket. “I can’t believe you wrote about that.” “About…” I looked around. Just me and the canned vegetables. I lowered my voice. “About my hoo ha?“ “YES,” my husband hissed. “Well, it was pretty funny. I thought.” “Yeah,” he conceded after a pause. “But […]

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January 14, 2006

>Hoo Ha Brouhaha

I’m not what you’d call a high-maintenance kind of girl. Oh, I keep up appearances. Mostly. I wear make-up and brush out my hair and I wouldn’t be caught dead in a track suit (apologies to all my track suit wearing readers- Hey, you look fabulous! It’s just not a good look on me). But […]

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January 12, 2006

The Nether Lands

>I’d like to say that I was busy ironing or something when I blithely paused by my computer, pressed a button, and discovered to my great surprise and delight that I was a Best of Blogs finalist. Because I wouldn’t want you to think that I got up at 3:30am Wednesday morning, snuck downstairs like […]

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January 12, 2006

>Bobbed

>As I thumbed through the mail, my heart skipped a beat. To The Italian Food Lover at 1120 Stillwood Drive. I read the postcard for Abruggio’s Family Restaurant with shaking hands before dropping it and abruptly running for the stairs. I flew down the hall and angrily threw open the attic door. “How did you […]

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January 10, 2006

>Holy Cannoli

>So far, the new year has brought many a Googler to my door here at Suburban Turmoil. And despite evidence to the contrary, I’m no hardhearted bitch. I feel compelled to give them a little something for their efforts. You guessed it, folks… It’s the January 2006 edition of…. Lucinda’s Advice Column Good Advice for […]

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January 10, 2006

>Lucinda’s Advice Column- January 2006

>For days, Professor Owl had been listening to the plans being made for his demise. Mute and forgotten in a corner, his loathing for Lindsay and her foul-mouthed clan grew as he watched her chuckle and rub her hands in glee. “Ooh, Hubs, here’s one. Let’s boil him in oil. Although oil might be dangerous. […]

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January 8, 2006

>Professor Owl Meets His Bitter End

>It must be snowing in hell. Because I have heard words come from my stepdaughters’ mouths that were not meant to be uttered in my lifetime. “If I could live in any decade, it would have to be the eighties,” my 15-year-old said wistfully while we were riding in the car. “The eighties? I said […]

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January 6, 2006

>Eighties Ladies

> When I was young, I had an evil doll. Handmade by a supposed “friend” of my mom’s, he was a cross between Humpty Dumpty and a psychopathic clown. His handstitched smile oozed menace. His misshapen lump of a body made for particularly demented shadows on the walls at night. His arms and legs were […]

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January 5, 2006

>The Cruddy Professor

I don’t like making stall talk. Let me explain. You and a friend go to a public restroom together. You’re in the middle of a conversation and you enter adjoining stalls. That’s when it gets kind of iffy. Do you take a conversation break out of respect for the business at hand? Or do you […]

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January 4, 2006

Stall Talk

>I haven’t been to the gym in oh…. a while. I mean, December was really busy. I was under a lot of pressure, okay? There was cookie baking and party throwing and present buying and gift wrapping and… and… well, let’s just say I felt really pressured by a certain someone to walk my ass […]

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January 3, 2006

>In Which I Go to the Gym and Lose My Fucking Mind