“I wanted a different life. I didn’t want to live in the suburbs. I didn’t want to be a wife or a PTA mom. I just had bigger aspirations.” -Jessica Alba, Jane Magazine, October 2005 There’s a reason that magazines like In Touch and People are on the stands instead of In Touch with Reality […]

I did it. Spending just under thirty minutes and just over sixty dollars, I have ensured that Baby will have a veritable mountain of (slightly-used) toys to open on Christmas morning. If you could see this mountain, you would surely gasp, “Lucinda! How did you manage to buy all of these expensive and oh-so-popular toys […]

“Mommy goes potty.” I’m sitting on the toilet, talking to my 1 1/2 year-old, who’s eyeing me curiously. “Pah-ee?” she asks hesitantly. “Poo poo?” “Yes! Poo poo! Mommy goes poo poo!” She looks unconvinced. “Unh!” I say. “Unnnnnh!” I try to mimic the face she makes when she’s pooping. My performance is far from Oscar-worthy; […]

Hi, everyone. I apologize for the comment deletion, but I got one too many e-mails from people telling me that they couldn’t comment on Haloscan. Add to that the fact that Haloscan deletes comments on old posts and that I can’t get my comments via e-mail and I finally decided to go back to Blogger […]

So now that we’ve made the horrible mistake of buying 15 an iPod for her birthday, we’re frantically pouring all of our earnings into trying to make the damn thing work. $200, a computer technician and several hours’ worth of updates later, we’ve yet to download a single song. I won’t bore you with the […]

How can I describe the exquisite torture an angst-ridden 12-year-old can inflict upon an unsuspecting stepmother? Tiny knives to the heart? A sucker punch to the gut? A bitch slap? 12 is going through a rough spot. And I am totally unprepared to handle it. She’s navigating the dark waters of adolescence in her own […]

You’d think I lived in a funhouse with crazy, slanted floors. Either that or certain members of my family were genetically cursed with an inner ear disorder that causes them to lurch inexplicably whenever a beverage is placed in their hands. I’m talking about Hubs and my 12-year-old stepdaughter. Both of them have an extraordinary […]

There’s almost nothing a domestic goddess won’t do to spice up her life. Susie Sunshine uses frilly aprons to drive her husband wild, while Angie’s developed a meatloaf that doubles as a potent aphrodisiac. Me, I’m enjoying a little fling- with Mr. Clean. I’ll have to admit that I got his number from Ms. Sunshine. […]

There are way too many sappy childbirth stories on the Internet. Women dreamily recount their water births (…and then my mer-cherub swam to the surface and gave me a dazzling smile), their caesarean sections (…as I held my little crumpet in my arms, I knew it was all worthwhile) and even their epidurals (…I felt […]

Ah, the pageantry, the excess, the gaudiness that is Suburban Halloween… We did it up right last night, in so many ways. For starters, Hubs and I forced our croupy, cranky baby to dress up in a ballerina costume and go begging around the neighborhood for candy- candy that was clearly for Hubs and me. […]