I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
How Do You Handle the Chronically Late Parent?
November 1, 2013
Several years ago, a woman named Carrie and I enrolled our daughters in a gymnastics class together. Our girls were friends and Carrie seemed nice enough- I figured it would be fun to have someone to chat with while our girls learned to do somersaults and walk on a balance beam. As it turned out, my plans didn’t go quite as I had envisioned. Carrie was part of a very special group of people we all know and loathe– the Chronically Late.
Class would be well underway before Carrie would rush in, dragging her half-dressed daughter by the elbow. Her excuses varied. “Steve has a cold and stayed home from work today,” she’d murmur as she fumbled for Liz’s gym shoes inside her overflowing handbag. Or, “I ran into Portia at the supermarket and she wanted to talk all about next week’s fundraiser. I just couldn’t get away!” At first, I believed her- I mean, we’ve all been there, haven’t we? But after several weeks of this, the excuses started wearing thin. Carrie, I realized, had a problem. And soon, the problem began impacting me.
“Do you mind keeping an eye on Liz?” she asked me a few weeks into the class, shortly after arriving 20 minutes late. “I really need to run to the grocery around the corner and pick up a few things.”
“Uh, sure of course,” I said. Carrie shot me a grateful smile and left.
Twenty minutes after class had ended, Carrie still hadn’t returned. Punky and Liz played together while I sat on the bench, trying not to panic. By this time, even the teacher had gone home. I hadn’t thought to get Carrie’s cell phone number- I didn’t think I would need it. Sitting there, I began envisioning all sorts of horrible scenarios, because obviously, no mother would be 20 minutes late picking up her four-year-old from class! Carrie must have gotten in an accident. Carrie might be an ambulance on her way to the hospital right this minute. What should I do? Should I take Liz home with me? Carrie didn’t have my number, didn’t know where I lived. My stomach twisted as I went through my options.
25 minutes later, Carrie rushed through the door. “I am so sorry I’m late!” she said breathlessly.
“What happened?” I asked her.
“Well, there was a line at the grocery,” she said. I stared at her. A line at the grocery? A LINE AT THE GROCERY?!
I brought a book with me to gym class after that. A very fascinating book that I couldn’t seem to tear myself away from.
This is just one tale of many I could tell you about the chronically late parents I’ve encountered over the years, and I’m sure you have a few choice stories of your own. We all know these kinds of parents. We’ve all been inconvenienced by them. These moms and dads aren’t just late sometimes. They’re late ALL THE TIME. And their excuses never really add up.
As someone who absolutely hates to be late, or even to be rushed in getting to a place on time, I’ve always had difficulty understanding the mindset of people who are chronically late. In my kinder moments, I’ve tried to cut them some slack– perhaps they have stuff going on in their lives that they just can’t talk about. I’ve also wondered, though, if they just don’t care enough about me or the event to make an effort to be on time. The mistake I’ve made is that I’ve assumed that anyone who is chronically late must hate being that way as much as I would. They must feel so ashamed! So disorganized! So out of control!
This week, I’ve been reminded that at least some of the chronically late are sort of… defiant about it.
One of my Facebook friends linked this week to an op-ed on Huffington Post called ‘How Did It Get to Be ‘OK’ for People to Be Late for Everything?’
“Being habitually late is the height of self centeredness,” my friend wrote in her Facebook status. “What you are conveying is that your time is more important than anyone else’s.” While many in her comments agreed with her, a few chronically late people fired back.
“I am late all the time, not because I am selfish or mean to be rude,” someone wrote. “I hate it, I mean really hate it, but no matter what I do or how early I get up, get ready, whatever something always happens. I am just sticking up for some of us who try and I know a lot of people who are late and not selfish.”
“I am always late socially,” wrote another commenter. “My friends have learned not only to accept it, but to check and see how they can help. I own a small business, and my clients come first.”
“My problem is distractions…. ” wrote another. “I’m getting ready, but oh, look at what just came on the news…. oh, let me check my email…. whoops, someone commented on my facebook post…. just one sec to read this text and text back…..”
And when I think about it, I’ve encountered these attitudes before in dealing with people who are chronically late. The general consensus often hasn’t been so much, “I’m trying really hard to overcome this problem by doing A, B, and C,” as it has been “This is just who I am. Deal with it.”
And I’ll be honest- I struggle dealing with it — particularly when kids are involved. Don’t these parents remember how it felt as a child to be late to a practice or game, or how scary it was when their own parents were late picking them up? I’m trying to be kind right now to a chronically late acquaintance, and I’ve picked her daughter up a few times in an effort to help with the problem. But now she’s calling me more and more for help (and only for help), and I’m starting to feel a little… used.
So I’m asking you- How do you deal with chronically late parents? Do you help them out? Call them out? Or cut them off? And if you yourself are chronically late, are you really wondering what all the fuss is about?
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Have you ever noticed how punctually late they are, usually they run 20, 30, or 40 minutes late. They use a different clock. I figure out how much extra time it is and I pad the clock. I have a friend that runs 20 minutes late. I always tell her the time she needs to be there a half an hour earlier then the actual time. It works like a dream.
I’ve tried that, but then -I- get confused! 😉
Hilarious!
I get anxious if I’m going to be late to something. I’m usually early or right on time to avoid the anxiety and because it’s just the right thing to do. I never wanted my kids to wonder what happened to me or worry when waiting to be picked up from school/sports/activities.
I’m never, ever late to pick up my kids simply because I remember the terror I experienced when my mom was late to pick me up as a child, and everyone else had gone home. It’s a horrible feeling. I tend to leave (and arrive) extra early to pick them up from things and in thinking about it, I realize it’s specifically because of that experience.
I had that experience as a child too! My mom was not late often but when she was just 5 min late I would break down in tears sure something awful had happened to her. I arrive early to pick up my daughter for the same reason as well! And, like you, I hate when people are chronically late 🙂 Grrr So rude.
Seriously, first world problems. Your parents showed up. To, what sounds like a lot of things. One time your mother was late. Oh the horror! Seriously, dude. Get something else to fret about. My mother showed up to very little. And if she did she was late to make an entrance and make sure it was about her. Does that make me late or early? I am most often early and occasionally late, my own fault. I do get very weary of excuses. Everyone has things they are going through. Today, my stuff may be harder than your stuff, tomorrow the opposite. In any event, the chronically late, which is what the article is about, is making a self-centered power play. That’s all it is.
Our pastor included this story in a sermon recently . . .
There was a man who had an important job (can’t remember the details now!) who was chronically late and was tired of it. So for a solid week, instead of making excuses he said, “I’m sorry I’m late. I am incompetent to manage my own life.” Clearly, he wasn’t incompetent–he’d risen to a high level in his career and had good relationships–but when he forced himself to say it out loud, he realized that it was true in regard to the lateness and stopped the behavior.
This doesn’t really help your situation, but I thought it was an interesting perspective.
I like it!
I have very little tolerance for people who are late. It really, truly makes me believe that they just don’t value my time or other people’s time. Here’s the thing…we all have STUFF that could potentially make us late. We all have kids or work or pets or family or almost-empty gas tanks etc. Those are fine for one-offs (assuming the person apologizes and texts or calls or emails etc) but they are not good enough for being late for life. These people need lessons in time management. If certain things make you late, you need to change YOU.
Not to pick on anyone but…I have very little
tolerance for people who are intolerant. It really, truly makes me believe that
they just don’t value people or other people’s situations different than their
own. Here’s the thing…we all have STUFF that could potentially make us angry
and ready to judge other people. We all have kids or work or pets or family or
almost-empty gas tanks, bad days, etc. Being frustrated is fine for one-offs
(assuming the person apologizes and texts or calls or emails etc) but they are
not good enough reasons for being an absolute gripe for life. These people need
lessons in tolerance. If certain things make you intolerant of others, you need
to change YOU.
Ah, but the question when it comes to the chronically late is where to draw the line between being tolerant and being used… That’s where I have the difficulty. I want to be kind and understanding and TOLERANT- but I HATE feeling used or taken advantage of. Don’t we all?
the problem with being late is that it inconveniences EVERYONE else. Everyone has to adjust to accommodate the habitual latecomer. And that’s what feels so icky about it. And it doesn’t feel like the late-comers ever really understand–or want to understand– this part of the issue. They just continue to assume that others will pick up the slack for them.
I guess maybe my usage of the word tolerant is what’s upsetting people here? I don’t know. Maybe my comment came off a little angrier than it should have because I *never* call out my chronically late friends. Heh.
My issue really lies where it affects me personally, when my time is involved. When I’m meeting someone or if I have somewhere to be, I plan to be early and bring a book with me. I just always seem to be that friend who is standing around waiting for friends to show up at the movie theater to get their tickets. Literally and figuratively. And it seems to be happening more and more often lately.
This season, my husband coached my son’s baseball team and he had many nights where he was sitting around waiting for parents to pick up their children from practices over 20-30 minutes late—inconveniencing him and our entire family—and their responses were always unapologetic, like, “I’m sorry, I had to quickly run here” or something.
What you call “tolerant” may be disrespect to another. It may be a violation of somebody’s boundaries. Nobody has to bend over backwards for chronically late people. It’s simply immature and self-centered…and people wish for “acceptance” of this behavior? Tolerance does not extend to include such irresponsible habits.
umm ok so you are intolerant or people who are intolerant to the those who are tolerant to being late? yeahhh that makes a ton of sense.
In my case, the chronically late parents are my in-laws! My MIL and SIL were invited to my bridal luncheon that started at noon. I was already prepared by 11:30; they were still getting ready at 11:45 and did not seem to hurry up even though they were told MULTIPLE times that it was important to be on time. My mom and I finally left to be on time, because what bride wants to be late to THEIR bridal lunch? My sister, the MOH, stayed with my MIL and SIL so they could finish getting ready (ugh). They arrived 10-15 minutes late.
Oh, and when we moved to CO from AL, they helped us move (which I’m grateful for) but we left TWO HOURS late (which I’m not grateful for!!!). We planned to leave at 7 and didn’t get on the road until 9, mainly because my FIL has to have everything “just so” in his suitcase. That lateness put us only arriving in OK instead of TX to spend the night before we resumed our move, plus a longer driving time the second day. We had planned to do most of the driving the first day so we could unload the truck during the daytime the second day.
I think for the future, I’ll tell them to arrive/start travelling 1 1/2-2 hours earlier than planned.
I am chronically early, precisely because my mother was always late. What you said about wondering if someone just doesn’t care about you because they are always late hits a nerve with me. With my mother it was always something else or someone else (a client) that was important and she used to say “It was important, you understand right?” And that is what I struggled with as a kid. I don’t think she realized that what I understood was that everything else was more important than me. She would hate to think that was true, but it was true. Later I realized it was just important for her to feel important and running late gave her that feeling. But that’s WAY later. So, yeah, it sucks for strangers and other parents, but when it comes to the kids, it makes a bigger impression than those parents know.
As for your question. With people who have late moments and take responsibility for it, I help where I can when they ask. But for the chronically late, especially when it involves their kids, I’m afraid I tend to distance myself from them. Otherwise I’m not sure I could keep my opinion to myself.
While I’m not chronically late I am sometimes late. I have a couple friends who are absolutely anal about being really early and I can tell when I’ve upset them by being late. Instead of just telling me that they are upset they are passive aggressive about it and that’s really hurtful not only to me but our friendship as well.
My Mom is chronically late. When we have family functions we tell her an hour and a half BEFORE we expect people to be there. This has helped most of the time. With my mom when I was a kid it was this…she had 3 kids, was a single mom, worked full time and went to school full time to try and better herself. There really isn’t an excuse now for her that we are all grown and out on our own.
As for other parents that are chronically late I just shrug it off and remain patient. I know that they most likely have things going on in their lives that are causing them to be late.
I was always a chronically late person. Not to pick my kids up, but to get places. I’m a super scatterbrained person…and always was so flustered & embarrassed when late. I have become waaaaaaay better about it, however I find myself starting really early, and figuring a schedule so I know I will be on time. I am now not late very often, but when I have important places to be I find myself getting anxious way before I should be even getting ready. I love my friends and family and DO respect their time. Its just a matter of ADD mixed with poor time management skills. Which I have had to teach myself, as an adult. Just another perspective… 🙂
I tend to run late and I realized after awhile that I have a terrible sense of time. I will literally think I was only in the shower for 10 minutes but I’ll get out, check the time, and it was 20 minutes. Or I’ll think I spent 5 minutes picking an outfit and getting dressed, only to get downstairs and see that it actually took me 15 minutes. This happens with EVERYTHING. I think the email I responded to only took me 60 seconds. Nope, 3 minutes. Someone below mentioned that they are scatterbrained and easily distracted, and that happens to me also. I’m running around getting ready and see something that needs to be done “Oh it will only take a minute” and then 10 minutes are down the drain.
In many cultures, showing up exactly on time is not normal. People come when they can, and nobody expects everyone to show up at the exact same announced time. So I wonder how much of this is just cultural, and how much of the cultural factor is related to the sense of punctuality and perception of time that the population of people possesses.
It’s cultural even provincially. A prairie person will show up ten minutes early for work. A Wet Coaster will always arrive ten minutes late!
It’s cultural even provincially. A prairie person will show up ten minutes early for work. A Wet Coaster will always arrive ten minutes late!
A friend of mine from here in America married into the family of a man who was Indian. While he personally was born in the U.S., his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (you get the idea) were all born and raised in India, and being on time was seen as an hour or two late. They did a customary Indian ceremony the night before the Christian wedding, and Kait told me not to worry, it starts when it starts. 🙂 Because she was already used to it, she was fine and unflustered; however, I asked her about the wedding the next day, and she said that would be a different story. There were told the ceremony would begin promptly at — and that everyone needed to be seated by then, and so they were. They realized that for their Indian ceremony, the Indian customs (including lateness, lol) were honored, but that for the American/Christian wedding, those customs would need to be honored, and everything worked out wonderfully.
A friend of mine from here in America married into the family of a man who was Indian. While he personally was born in the U.S., his parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins (you get the idea) were all born and raised in India, and being on time was seen as an hour or two late. They did a customary Indian ceremony the night before the Christian wedding, and Kait told me not to worry, it starts when it starts. 🙂 Because she was already used to it, she was fine and unflustered; however, I asked her about the wedding the next day, and she said that would be a different story. There were told the ceremony would begin promptly at — and that everyone needed to be seated by then, and so they were. They realized that for their Indian ceremony, the Indian customs (including lateness, lol) were honored, but that for the American/Christian wedding, those customs would need to be honored, and everything worked out wonderfully.
Do you think your behaviours are unique and therefore this is the excuse to be late? Everyone is the same – but you learn to plan in the time it takes you to do things. eg. I know it takes me 15 mins for a shower, 15 mins to do my hair, 20 mins for the packed lunches. I get up everyone morning and continually what the clock to check I’m running to time – if I have 20 mins in the shower then I know I need to speed up the packed lunches if I want to be at work on time. This is how it is for everyone if you want to be on time.
Wow. You show up a year later and even with all that extra time, you STILL fail to fully read and comprehend my post. If it took me the exact same amount of time every day to dress, shower, and eat, and if I wasn’t scatterbrained at all, there would be no problem, obviously. I don’t think I’m unique but I do think that not everyone is the same.
With my one friend, I go to her. I pick up her son to play with my son. I drop him off, if waiting for her would mess something else up.
This is very good advice. 🙂
I’m not a parent, so I don’t deal with this exact issue. I do, however, deal with chronically late people in corporate environments. If I am leading a meeting, or teaching a class, I ALWAYS begin on time. When people show up late I do nothing to catch them up on what they missed. When they create a buzz while entering the room, I ignore them. When they apologize later for being late I don’t answer with “That’s ok.” Rather, I smile and say nothing or I just say, “Thank you for acknowledging that.”
I used to be chronically early. To a fault. Now that I have three kids, it feels like it takes forever for me to get out the door, BUT I have way too much anxiety to be late for anything important like if someone I barely knew was watching my KID!! That’s weird. I guess I’m somewhere in the middle. I try to be on time because I don’t like the attention I get when I am late, but sometimes, I truly just can’t help it because the kid poops 2 minutes before I’m supposed to walk out the door! 🙂
I think every mom is late from time to time- With kids, it can be unavoidable. But there are a few people in my life who are always, always, ALWAYS late- and never really have a reason or even worse, will say things like “I’m always late. That’s just who I am.” Um. No.
I usually give people a few chances before I label them as chronically late. It becomes apparent pretty quick to me whether or not they actually do have stuff going on, or they’re just late. And I do consider it disrespectful of my time. I’m not saying a chronically late person means to be disrespectful. They usually don’t. Most of the time they simply do not have good time management skills or strong awareness of what time it is. Those are things that can be improved, but unfortunately in life we often find it easier to make excuses for things than to actually do the work to change those things. I can say that about myself in some areas. So I do try to have grace, but if someone is continually disrespectful of my time, I won’t make a terribly strong effort to spend time with them.
I’m a personality type that thrives on schedules. I am almost always on time or early. It’s a habit. If someone I’m with is running late and therefore is making me late, I start getting anxious. I can be a very annoying hotel roommate at conferences and retreats because I’m often the one who is completely ready and standing by the door waiting for everyone else! 🙂
Some people “abuse the privilege” of being late all the time. Others truly just have too much on their plates — work, kids, elderly parents, being a single parent. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt — and also find a quiet moment to ask them how things are going. 9 times out of 10, I hear about people handling more challenging stressors on a day-to-day basis than anyone should have to deal with. That last person, however, usually has a drinking problem.
A few years ago, my husband and some other folks were planning to drive together to an event. They agreed that they should leave at 8:30. One lady said, oh, but if it’s 8:45, that’ll be fine, right? The others were a little outraged: she was planning to be late!
With all friends, you have to decide if their faults are worth working around or assisting them to work on. Never let their faults leave you in the lurch, or put you in a position to make you angry. You have a friend, they have this fault. Decide what you are going to do about it, and tell them. We all tiptoe around our friends too much. I talk too much. My friends have to tell me ‘gotta go–I”m getting on the interstate now or I’ve arrived at the store or the kids are home’ on the phone and when I keep talking, they hang up! They have to. I can’t let it hurt my feelings. I have people I adore, but I don’t ride with them to anything or tell them I will meet them outside. I tell them I will meet you there, I will go in and find a seat or whatever. That way, if they are late, it doesn’t inconvenience me. I recommend calling out. “Jane, you seem to have a problem getting little Janey from school. What’s going on? I can pick her up sometimes, but I’m starting to feel uncomfortable with your calling me so often, when we don’t know each other that well yet.” Why can’t we say these honest things to one another? Why is it so hard? (Not saying I can always do it myself, but I’m working on it.)
That’s part of the problem with time being such a scarce commodity here. We want to help sometimes, but many of us feel so stretched that the Janes with real, big, gaping needs can’t become regular parts of our lives. I can’t be a free life coach to a new acquaintance with a big schedule problem. I have to reserve that for my very close friends, and even that can’t be all the time. It’s hard to say that as someone who wants to emulate Christ. But given that, and given that you aren’t divine, and can’t be all things to all people, what you can give people like this is the truth offered in love. Friends are different from people you take on as charity cases. Friends aim for equity. It’s not friendship if you are the new ‘easy ride’ for her. You have to convey that as gently as you can. In a Christ-like way, you meet the need by not judging, being honest about the need, being honest about what you can do and when, and being honest about the nature of the relationship. Sometimes good people who have taken the easy way out open up and get some accountability when you call them on ‘using’ you just a little. Sometimes it’s the first time someone told them “I need something from you. I want us to be friends, not just be to be your child’s ride.”
Big, important family gatherings happen seldom, and sometimes you can be in danger of being ‘stuck’ picking up a chronically late relative or something. This is harder to get out of than a friend you can work around. Just be the person who means business. Call them two hours before and ask are you up getting ready? I will be there at this time and I’m leaving by this time. I won’t let you make me late! Show up early yourself and help them keep moving. If it’s ADD, keep the distractions away. Be assertive.
For people who like to comment that these are ‘first world problems’ I think that attitude diminishes the richness of life in the ‘third world.’ People always have the potential for etiquette conflicts which can seem minor, but which sometimes reflect the abundance or scarcity of that society. In a country in the developing world, maybe it’s OK to be late, because time is not a scarce commodity. Here it is. Someone who wastes your time being late here in the USA is just as rude as someone who takes more than her share of a scarce food dish that’s offered at a meal in the ‘third world,’ To insinuate that people who live a more precarious economic existence don’t have subtle gradations of behavior or etiquette issues is just as insulting to them as it is to the First Worlders it is suggesting should just ‘get over’ their ‘little problems’ dealing with one another. I’ve grown very tired of ‘first world problem’ as a commenting trend.
This all makes total sense and in the past, I have come up with gentle, honest ways to tell friends when there’s a problem. However, I have stopped doing it- because every time I have, I’ve lost the friend. Even when I’ve prefaced it by saying “I really value our friendship and I want to move past this issue,” and “I want to deal with this and put it in our past and never think of it again,” and every other kind thing I can think of to say, I’ve lost the friend. People just generally don’t like a person who gives them constructive criticism, even if that person genuinely means well and wants to help.
Real friends have done this? Or acquaintances you hoped would be friends? I hate to say this, but, sadly, if friends have treated you this way, maybe they weren’t really your friends. I am making it a point nowadays to only seek companions I can be honest with and who can be honest with me. If I have fewer friends, so be it. I’m really sorry this has happened to you. It hurts to be an open person who really just wants everyone to get along and get treated like you’re weird because you want a little reality or give and take in your relationships. Do people imagine they will never have a disagreement over styles or faults with their friends?
Interestingly enough, when I was working in a third world country and we were trying to get more women to participate in our project we did a survey to ask about barriers. One answer was time- the meetings didn’t start on time and ran too long. They were uncomfortable leaving children at home for unpredictable amounts of time and had too much to do. We made a policy to start within 15 minutes of the scheduled time and follow an agenda. Totally worked. Duh.
Last week was a usual Monday.. the older kids go straight home for lunch after gym (kids go home for lunch this country in most schools) and the little kids get picked up. As usual my 5 yr old comes out holding the hand of a classmate, K. His mom is either very late or doesn’t show up and then his 10 yr old brother brings him home instead.. but Mondays this is different as the big kids are sent home right after gym which is a distance from the school. So I am always stuck with her younger kid waiting for SOMEONE to show up. It’s never been more than 15-20 min before. Last Monday though 30 min went by and half of lunch break was lost because no one cared enough about this child! I finally took him back inside where the kids who stay for lunch are (you pay for this service…and doesn’t include food) and told the teacher I HAD to go home with my kids now. By this time my son had come back to school from home wondering where I was and I sent him trying to bike around to find the mom or brother.. no luck. So the teacher opens the book of numbers, this kid’s mom never bothered to give the school her phone number. I was so furious! This kid is pretty strong and I could tell he was scared and upset by now. He had no food on him so we ran to my bike to get a sandwich I had there for my kid to give him instead. I then left him with the teacher. His brother showed up 10 min later. I told the teacher this happens DAILY. He is always with me waiting for his mom who isn’t even someone I consider a friend. Now I know why she’s been more friendly lately.. babysitting! So I finally confronted her on facebook as nice as I could saying this can’t happen again. So far it hasn’t but it’s only been a week. How can someone be so selfish? She’s never once been on time to get her kids. She left this kid home alone when napping as a baby, big brother had responsibility of him since he was 3 and brother was 8. She’s just the most self centered person I’ve ever met. Most fb pics are of herself posing for the camera. I bet her husband doesn’t know there are rumors she’s having an affair.. I’ll let karma sort her out but meanwhile, I won’t abandon a child so I hope she gets it together.
My husband is chronically late and it is crazy making for everyone. Part of it is cultural stuff- he just doesn’t come from a culture that views time as paramount. He also has ADD and some other health issues. I always bring something to do if there is any potential that I will have to wait. I’m a knitter, so I have transformed the I-am-about-to-lose-my-mind intervals to yeah-time-for-my-hobby intervals. Sometimes we leave separately for things. Other times we’re all late. Recently I’ve gone back to work and he’s become responsible for morning drop off as well as some of the kids’ activities. I’ve noticed some improvement, but we just got a letter about the 10 (!) tardies our son has racked up requiring a meeting at school. I handed it over and said, “I think this is for you.” One comment- I really understand people’s distress at being inconvenienced, but I am amazed at how judgmental people can be even when our lack of punctuality has no impact on them.
Reading this post and then all the indignated comments made me late. How ironic.
There are a few options for me as a chronically late person (developed after I had kids and PPD). I can be either 5 min late, or I can put everything on hold in order not to be late. For example, after I drop off my daughter to prescbool , I cannot run errands at all, because I know they’ll make me late. If I want to be on time or early for a business meeting, I usually have serious anxiety and don’t get any sleep and arrive a couple of hours early. How many sleepless nights would you be OK with just so you are not late?
I’m sorry if you’ve had ppd but your comment is pathetic – putting it on others because you are late. If you drop your child to preschool and there isn’t time for errands – what’s your point? It’s the same for me and everyone else – if I know I have time available I do the errand – if I don’t then I can’t!!!
You need to draw on experience of how long it takes to get ready and get to a meeting and then work that into your schedule – it’s not hard. I have two kids, a full time job in middle management and a husband who runs his own business. My life is a well oiled machine and I’m rarely late for anything – skin of my teeth maybe – but not late.
I’m late a lot. I’ve tried to figure it out my whole life. I think there are many contributing factors, including I have a poor sense of how long things take — I think things will take half the time they actually take. So, I try to double the time I *think* I need and then add a little more. But, I get greedy. I have an overachiever vibe so I start to think “maybe I could just do this one thing more, after all, I left myself plenty of time…” Now, I’m not late nearly as much as I used to be and I’m usually less than 15 mins late. I know people who are often over an hour late to important events. While I have compassion for whatever their situation is, it’s hard to plan around.
I read the other day that chronic lateness is a characteristic of adult ADHD. It’s certainly not the only cause of chronic lateness as no one has ever called me hyper. But, it might explain some people. And there are plenty of undiagnosed adults with ADHD.
Your friend at the community center sounds like she has something other than chronic lateness going on. I had a friend who constantly tried to leave her kids with me and would return hours later than she said, but bring me some stupid gift saying she was late cuz she wanted to stop and buy that for me. Whatever. She was clearly a big liar. Her kids were horrible. They peed on the wall when they didn’t get their way. She was overwhelmed in her life and manic depressive and didn’t know how to raise her kids and would do anything to just escape from it all whenever she could for as long as she could get away with it. Late was hardly her biggest problem.
I have issues with the chronically, compulsively early person, too. Early people get mean about being early. And they clearly hate late comers like me. No one likes to be despised. I have gifts. Being on time isn’t one of them. But, I don’t hate people who don’t share the gifts I DO possess. (not saying your post is hateful at all. but, you know you’ve met those hateful, early people.)
I hate being early. It feels like a waste of time that I could have spent at home doing something other than waiting for stuff to start. I can accomplish a LOT in even 1-2 minutes of time at home.
I say to anyone who is always on time: Don’t get disgusted with people who aren’t on time. Thank God for the gift you were given of being a person who knows how to be on time. It’s hard and not all of us were born with it. It can be learned, but it’s tricky and no one teaches a class on it.
It’s not tricky to learn how to be on time for events. Being late indicates to others having to wait on YOU that you don’t care about their time. Make more of an effort.
This has got to be the most self centred comment I’ve ever read! Denise – read it back. YOU don’t want to waste time being early as you could get a lot done in 1-2 mins – but it’s ok for you to be late so other are wasting time doing nothing waiting for you. The thing with late people is the ones who are on time don’t know how late the self centred one will be – 5 mins (not too bad), 10 mins – 30 mins?? So you just….. wait! What else can you do?
I’m late to this discussion, but I have really struggled with this problem lately. My son has a good friend whose parents can’t manage time. It used to be 30 minutes, 45 minutes. This last time, the child slept over and his mom was supposed to pick him up at 9:00am and at 10:00 I asked the child to call his mom – she was home (sleeping I think) and said she’d be there “as soon as she could.” and rolled up to my house just after 11:00 am. No apology, no excuse even offered…not that I’d have believed any of it anyway. Normally, I would just not have her child over any more, but this is a very good friend of my son’s and it’s not fair to punish the child for his parent’s behavior….but I can’t have her ruin my day anymore where I have to cancel MY family’s plans because she hasn’t picked up her child on time. I’m in a tough spot and it makes me sad and angry at the same time.
could you have taken the child home on your way to do the family things? and plan on doing that every time?
I can understand being up to five minutes late; not everyone is attached to their phone at the hip and the clock on their wall or on their car radio might be a couple minutes different from my watch. I can understand needing an extra few minutes to find a parking space if the parking lot is more crowded than normal, especially if I see them circling from the window. I might be annoyed but can forgive tardiness and last minute cancelations if they’re clear from the get go that there is weather or chronic health problems that frequently force them to change things up. I might be disappointed, but if you give a call or text that something came up, like you locked your keys in your car or got a flat tire and you need to wait for AAA, I’ll forgive. But being the parent that drops their kid(s) off at school no less than ten minutes late every day? Lazy. Fifteen minutes or more late to an event where being on time is assumed, such as lunch at a restaurant because you weren’t feeling it? Self centered. Only showing up for the second half of the party? Only want free food, and you don’t want to look gluttonous.
I know people that are chronically late so when they want to go somewhere with me and say they will be her at 7 I make sure I’m ready by 8….lol
My mother is worse than chronically late. She is never on time for anything there is always an excuse and I use to believe her excuses but after 25 years of the same excuses cycling over and over. I just can’t bring myself to believe that something always happens everyday all day no matter the situation. I don’t know I will never understand because I am not that type of person and there isn’t a way to fix it because the person who is chronically late doesn’t believe they’re that bad or that they are a huge inconvenience for the people around them. I absolutely loath dealing with my mother because she is extremely unreliable and can’t be counted on for anything I love her but her being late all the time for my entire life has impacted our relationship big time and the thing is that she gets mad at me when I try to understand why she just gets defensive and gets mad so I just give up.
My mother is chronically late to everything, and always has been. Family events, doctor appointments, hanging out with friends – and there are several factors that make her lateness so infuriating and hurtful compared to normal lateness (for instance my friend is always about ten minutes late anywhere but doesn’t do the following, so I don’t care as much):
1. As the article mentioned, the excuses. They never end, and they rarely make sense in relation to how late she was (like “I had to get gas” – shouldn’t take an hour). Just admit you were late because you lost track of time of whatever. Don’t blame others – which she’s tried to do to me, when I was a kid.
2. How late she is. We aren’t talking ten or fifteen minutes…hell, not even 30. No: my mom is always a full HOUR OR MORE late. She was over an hour late to my wedding, then threatened me over the phone not to start without her or she’d never forgive me. I wasn’t going to start without her no matter what, she’s my mom and I love her, she belongs at my wedding. But don’t you dare think you can threaten me when YOU’RE the one who should be apologizing.
3. Which brings me to my next point…she never apologizes. Ever. She will blame anyone and anything before admitting her own culpability. In fact, according to her, it’s not her fault she was late and delayed my wedding over an hour…it’s MINE. Yep. Because I allegedly never told her whether I wanted certain brooches in the bouquets she’d volunteered to make my bridesmaids when she texted me about it the WEEK BEFORE. Oh. Did I mention I LIVED IN HER HOME at this time? She had seen me in person since then, not to mention the fact she shouldn’t have been finishing the bouquets the day of the wedding. If it came between having those bouquets (which still weren’t finished btw, my bridesmaids just held them finished-side-out) and having my mom there on time, or rather beforehand to help me get ready the way I had always pictured, I would have of course chosen the latter.
I can deal with late people. True, chronic lateness is totally different, and can and does hurt relationships. I still love my mom and am working on forgiving her…but every time she’s late and lies or has the audacity to blame anyone who gets mad about it, I get angry all over again.
She’s been like this since I was little. I don’t think it will ever change, at least until she admits to the severity of it and owns her actions.
A silver lining, I guess, is that I’m pretty punctual – but I get severe anxiety any time I am late, even for legitimate reasons like car trouble or illness. I hate the shame I feel being late, especially when people joke that I “am my mother’s daughter, after all.”
She’s also a hoarder, and growing up among such chaos has made me compulsively minimalist (a condition known as Spartanism, actually). I’m sure the two are related – she might have adult ADD.
I wasn’t the “all about me” kind of bride at all; every aspect of our wedding, from the short ceremony to the giant party- style reception, was done with our guests in mind. So my lingering anger at her lateness isn’t because I felt entitled to a perfect wedding or anything. It’s because of our guests, waiting around for over an hour (especially the elderly ones). It’s because my mom robbed me AND herself of that special moment we both wanted, where she could be the first person to see me in my dress and just enjoy a moment together before everything began. And it’s because, no matter how much I tell her that hurt me, she won’t apologize and then blames me, traffic, etc., and has never apologized.
Sadly, this is not an isolated incident by any means. She was late to all my siblings’ graduations and mine. She’s late to her own birthday parties.
I love my mom immensely – the lateness hurts all the more because of that. My wedding hurts most because I truly believed, out of all the events in my life, she would manage to make at least that one on time.
Anyway. Sorry to rant…but it was actually painful reading some comments from chronically late people attempting to defend their actions. You might not mean to seem selfish, but you do. And refusing to own your actions impacts and even hurts those closest to you.
((((Hugs)))) I know exactly how you feel.. Reading you comment I felt like you were describing my mother. I loved her dearly, but her tardiness was her trademark. We lived near the airport. I flew often in my teens. She didn’t see the need to leave the house until the incoming flight flew over the house. I missed several flights, needless to say. The day of her funeral my husband giggled softly when they rolled her casket in. He whispered to me ‘She proved me wrong, I always thought she’d be late for her own funeral.’
((((Hugs)))) I know exactly how you feel.. Reading you comment I felt like you were describing my mother. I loved her dearly, but her tardiness was her trademark. We lived near the airport. I flew often in my teens. She didn’t see the need to leave the house until the incoming flight flew over the house. I missed several flights, needless to say. The day of her funeral my husband giggled softly when they rolled her casket in. He whispered to me ‘She proved me wrong, I always thought she’d be late for her own funeral.’
Hey I know this thread is old but I need some help. My mom is always late. Late to take me to school, late picking me up from school. Every event I had as a kid in school I was always late to. Family conferences, Christmas parties, doctor’s appointments. If I asked her to take me to a friend’s house at 2 she’d leave at 5. It gets to the point where people who know her, me, family, friends will literally tell her that it (the event) starts at 3 when really it starts at 5 or 6. That’s how late she is. I tell her nicely, “mom I can’t be late to this” and she gets all defensive and starts telling me how ungrateful I am. I’ve tried to intervene with her, others have tried this too. We get in arguments. It sucks so much because I am old enough to be expected on time, but not old enough to transport myself everywhere. (I’m 15 nearly 16) It’s so embarrassing. “Hey sorry I’m late, my mom couldn’t get here quick enough.” I just missed a very important, necessary conference that I’ve been telling her about for weeks. It’s a 15 minute conference and she was 10 minutes late. So now I’m failing my advisory class and it isn’t my fault! Ugh can anyone help?
Gosh, that’s rough. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m going to crowd source this question with my friends on Facebook- Maybe one of them has been through this in some way and has some helpful advice.
Gosh, that’s rough. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this. I’m going to crowd source this question with my friends on Facebook- Maybe one of them has been through this in some way and has some helpful advice.
1. Assume that no matter what you say or do, she’s not going to change. You need to learn to have a plan b and a plan c. This is going to mean contacting and calling in support from other adults to get you where you need to be. This is a life skill that you’re going to need from here on out, even when you aren’t depending on your mom. If your mother were ill with cancer or were paralyzed, you’d figure something else out.
2. I just read a lot of people with no compassion or tolerance for people who are chronically late, making the situation about them–even as they were calling the later person “self-centered”–when there is a very real possibility that people who are chronically late are suffering from either depression or types of anxiety. This is an illness and not something that someone can change just because another person gets angry at them enough or wants to “teach them a lesson.” You can NOT anger someone out of a mental illness. And to say, “Well, they don’t SEEM ill” belies a complete misunderstanding and lack of compassion for the illness. I’m just shocked at how almost no one considers this. And telling other adults “My mother has been ill all these years” will garner you more support and stop you from being angry with her for an illness she may not be able to ever “fix.”
3. If you want to keep trying with your mom, when you need your her to take you somewhere, you (and your siblings) need to do everything you can to take every other job or chore off her plate. If your mother is overwhelmed by household chores, work, mental illness, adding one more “have to” to the pile is going to feel insurmountable. Check yourself and make sure you’re giving back to the family as much as you are taking. You’re right–almost 16 is almost an adult. Ask yourself if you are doing an almost-adult’s level of work in your home. And again, it does no good to compare and say “so-and-so’s parent does a, b, c, d, x, y, z and isn’t late” because no two people are struggling with the same circumstances.
4. Speak to your teachers and advisers and let them know your mother is ill. You need to work with other adults to get you where you need to be, and they should be willing to organize help, not scold you or your mother.
1. Assume that no matter what you say or do, she’s not going to change. You need to learn to have a plan b and a plan c. This is going to mean contacting and calling in support from other adults to get you where you need to be. This is a life skill that you’re going to need from here on out, even when you aren’t depending on your mom. If your mother were ill with cancer or were paralyzed, you’d figure something else out.
2. I just read a lot of people with no compassion or tolerance for people who are chronically late, making the situation about them–even as they were calling the later person “self-centered”–when there is a very real possibility that people who are chronically late are suffering from either depression or types of anxiety. This is an illness and not something that someone can change just because another person gets angry at them enough or wants to “teach them a lesson.” You can NOT anger someone out of a mental illness. And to say, “Well, they don’t SEEM ill” belies a complete misunderstanding and lack of compassion for the illness. I’m just shocked at how almost no one considers this. And telling other adults “My mother has been ill all these years” will garner you more support and stop you from being angry with her for an illness she may not be able to ever “fix.”
3. If you want to keep trying with your mom, when you need your her to take you somewhere, you (and your siblings) need to do everything you can to take every other job or chore off her plate. If your mother is overwhelmed by household chores, work, mental illness, adding one more “have to” to the pile is going to feel insurmountable. Check yourself and make sure you’re giving back to the family as much as you are taking. You’re right–almost 16 is almost an adult. Ask yourself if you are doing an almost-adult’s level of work in your home. And again, it does no good to compare and say “so-and-so’s parent does a, b, c, d, x, y, z and isn’t late” because no two people are struggling with the same circumstances.
4. Speak to your teachers and advisers and let them know your mother is ill. You need to work with other adults to get you where you need to be, and they should be willing to organize help, not scold you or your mother.
Lots of advice on Facebook in response to your comment. Here are the answers:
https://www.facebook.com/SuburbanTurmoil/posts/1116103438442636
https://www.facebook.com/LindsayFerrier/posts/10153810510605033?pnref=story
Hope some of this helps!
Lots of advice on Facebook in response to your comment. Here are the answers:
https://www.facebook.com/SuburbanTurmoil/posts/1116103438442636
https://www.facebook.com/LindsayFerrier/posts/10153810510605033?pnref=story
Hope some of this helps!
Hey I know this thread is old but I need some help. My mom is always late. Late to take me to school, late picking me up from school. Every event I had as a kid in school I was always late to. Family conferences, Christmas parties, doctor’s appointments. If I asked her to take me to a friend’s house at 2 she’d leave at 5. It gets to the point where people who know her, me, family, friends will literally tell her that it (the event) starts at 3 when really it starts at 5 or 6. That’s how late she is. I tell her nicely, “mom I can’t be late to this” and she gets all defensive and starts telling me how ungrateful I am. I’ve tried to intervene with her, others have tried this too. We get in arguments. It sucks so much because I am old enough to be expected on time, but not old enough to transport myself everywhere. (I’m 15 nearly 16) It’s so embarrassing. “Hey sorry I’m late, my mom couldn’t get here quick enough.” I just missed a very important, necessary conference that I’ve been telling her about for weeks. It’s a 15 minute conference and she was 10 minutes late. So now I’m failing my advisory class and it isn’t my fault! Ugh can anyone help?
dude i feel your pain. my mom and dad dont care ab me at all. they are always late to everything i care about, or worse, dont even show up. just wait til ur 16. life will be so much easier 😉