I Am a Christian Offended by the Starbucks Holiday Cup Controversy

I’ve tried very hard to avoid this whole ‘brew’ haha over the 2015 Starbucks holiday cups, but my Facebook feed is making it impossible. It is filled to overflowing with reactions to the teeming mass of Christians across the country who are apparently freaking out because Starbucks elected to leave traditional Christmas symbols- like snowflakes, reindeer, and candy canes- off of their cups this holiday season.

YES. A massive, writhing horde of Christians, according to my news feed, is highly offended by the decision. They feel that Christmas is under attack, and all the evidence they need is Starbucks’ new plain red ‘holiday cup.’

Well, friends, it’s time for you to know something about me if you don’t know it already.

I am a Christian.

And I feel deeply hurt by the fact that not one of my so-called Christian friends ever bothered to send me the Hey, Christians: We are All Going to Be Offended About Starbucks Holiday Cups! memo.

Honestly, y’all, I’ve put some real Google effort into it and still have not been able to track down a single one of these Christians – either online or in person. The only solid evidence I could find that this controversy even existed on that end was some raving lunatic’s YouTube video and an opinion post on Breitbart London by a guy who doesn’t actually share his religious affiliation. And after all this research, I’m left wanting to know one thing.

WHERE ARE ALL THESE ANGRY CHRISTIANS AND WHY ARE THEY HIDING FROM ME?

What I have found are plenty of people objecting to Christians who object to the Starbucks holiday cups. I’ve even found some folks objecting to the people objecting to Christians who object to the Starbucks holiday cups. And after mulling over the issue for a few days, I decided it was time for me, as a Christian who was completely left out of the Starbucks Holiday Cup Shit Fit, to take a stand.

Therefore, let it be known:

I object to the people who object to the folks objecting to Christians who object to the Starbucks holiday cups. And I feel persecuted by the Christians who felt persecuted by Starbucks and didn’t even bother to share their persecution with me. And I am offended by the people objecting to Christians who object to the Starbucks holiday cups, because, well, I’m not sure why but I’m pretty sure they’ve done something wrong. And although I was already boycotting Starbucks ever since last winter, when I asked for my usual Salted Caramel Mocha and the barista sniffed, “We’re getting rid of that drink forever. We don’t even have the salt anymore, I can only make you a CARAMEL Mocha,” and I was all, “Caramel without SALT? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”, I have recently discovered that Starbucks has restocked its salt supply and brought back the Salted Caramel Mocha, probably because of my boycott, so now I am UNboycotting Starbucks, and I call upon all Christians who feel scorned and betrayed by the Christians who object to the Starbucks holiday cups, and anyone else, really, to join me in raising a plain red Starbucks cup full of  Salted Caramel Mocha and offering a toast to something we can ALL agree to love this holiday season:

PRESENTS.

AMEN.

Like this post? Keep up with all of them by following me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram!

Header image via Starbucks