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January 27, 2014 posted by Lindsay Ferrier

If Your Kids Were pottery barn kids…

If Your Kids Were pottery barn kids…

 

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No one would EVER forget their names.

You’d make sure of it.

 

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That color blindness diagnosis from the pediatrician’s office would be no big deal.

Seriously.

 

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No.

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 Big.

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Deal!

 

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You wouldn’t hesitate to move your daughter’s canopy bed outside for a tea party with her BFF…

Because this is a totally normal thing to do…

Right?

 

 The moment you finished your son’s ridiculously expensive Star Wars bedroom makeover…

he’d tell you he wanted a Spongebob bedroom instead.

 

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Your family would take co-sleeping to a whole new level.

Kids in the bed…

Parents on the floor.

 

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You’d wake up one morning to find this happening in your daughter’s bedroom,

and you’d scream, because it would be just like that scene in Poltergeist

Except this time, you’d suspect your Ambien prescription might be to blame.

 

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You’d be too afraid to check your son’s room down the hall.

 

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Your children would mainly communicate with each other via Skype on their personal laptops- even in the same room.

 

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Your controversial co-ed sleepovers would be the talk of the neighborhood.

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Your baby would develop the most vexing calluses on his knees after learning to crawl on your nursery’s fashionable jute rug.

 

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You’d never regret the decision to turn your master bedroom into the kids’ “learning center.”

The road to Harvard starts NOW.

 

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Your daughter would pretend to bake cookies in her mini-kitchen– just like Cook makes them in real life!

 

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Your sons would become known among the other kids for their organizational skills.

You’d discover too late that this kind of reputation is not necessarily a good thing.

 

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A nightmarish bout with head lice in 2011 would result in individualized pillows for every child who spent the night.

 

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When your son whined that Druthers Hannover’s new nautical-themed room was cooler than his…

 

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You’d enlist your decorator’s help to quickly and decisively put those upstarts in their place.

 

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Your eldest would be packed off to military school after the infamous ‘Rope Cutting Incident’ on the night of October 9, 2012.

Don’t you wish your kids were pottery barn kids?

 

For more warped humor, follow me on Facebook and Twitter!

Header image adapted with permission from Lance Shields/Flickr

All other images via Pottery Barn

  • Meg McCormick

    YOU ARE HILARIOUS! I love this. LOVE it.

  • Kimberly

    Awesomeness!

  • Camilla Kostic

    There were two things about the Pottery Barn catalog I always wanted to know: Didn’t those kids get super hot under all those layers of sheets, duvets, blankets and throws? And also, was I doing something terribly wrong because none of my kids’ rooms, or frankly any room in my house, ever look as clean and crisp or organised as their rooms! And, I’m actually pretty neat!!!

    • waterflowers

      None of their rooms were ever lived in. EVER

      • Stewie

        actually they shoot a lot of the catalog photos at the homes of different executives, vp’s, and such…they just make sure to have the “best of the best” come in to make everything look super sterile…er, i mean perfect

        • HarveyMILF

          Not exactly. We’ve had several PBK shoots at our house and don’t have any connection with the company. They pay us a daily fee and basically take over for 2-3 days. They take photos of the rooms with all our ordinary crap in them, take all our stuff out, paint/stencil and decorate the rooms in the furniture, etc that they are shooting, take their photos and then put everything back exactly they way they found it. The money is nice and it’s cool to see our house in the catalog.

    • Katie

      The kids don’t get hot, because after spending all that money at PBK the parents can’t afford to heat the house.

  • http://camelsandchocolate.com/ CamelsAndChocolate

    This is GOLD.

  • Nashvillegirl

    Hilarious!!!

  • http://whisperingwriter.blogspot.com/ Amber

    Haha, I like their items but if I bought any, we wouldn’t be able to eat for like a month. And also, my kids are messy and would destroy these nice things in a matter of hours. My daughter recently carved her name into her (real wood) dresser that has been passed down from family member to family member for about 50 years. Nice things do not last in our home. They just do not.

    • Lisa

      Nothing nice lasts in my house, either. So glad I’m not alone.

  • Amanda Henry

    Epic blog except not all of the pictures open :-(

    • suburbanturmoil

      My server is straining with all the people viewing this post right now- Try loading a time or two and everything should work. :)

  • Jen

    I love the basket of baseballs. You know, so the kids can practice pitching in the house. They can aim at the ceramic tiger.

  • Kathy

    These are hilarious! Have you ever gotten any feedback from Restoration Hardware or Pottery Barn on these blog posts? I’d love to hear what they think! Even if they won’t admit it, I’d bet they secretly think they’re hysterically funny.

  • Allie Smith

    I love it! Ridiculously funny.

  • Ema

    Hilarious!!!

  • Chocoholic

    Even if I wanted to live the PBKids lifestyle, abandoned snack packets, cookie crumbs and Xbox controllers strewn around the room would ruin the look. And that’s just after I’ve been on the Xbox. (I love your sarcastic humor, Lindsay!)

  • lena cook

    This was funny…… Now we are not rich (hubby works at the homeless shelter) however we have several pottery barn pieces that were either passed down to us or I found them for cheap on craigslist . All 4 of my kids have pottery barn chairs (thanks to grandparents and one passes down from cousins ) so they do make those pyramids ……and they are great , kids use them all the time . Also our school room (just one computer on the desk…….however when we homeschooled 2 laptops would ve been so handy ) and kids rooms look close to the pictures . Even though i do not have labeled bins , EVERYTHING goes in it’s place and our older kids ages B 9, B 7 and G 3 ….know it . When it’s time to clean up after the play whey put it where it belongs . The key to the ‘Crisp” room is to not have too much stuff …….our kids have tons of toys (again thanks to thrift stores or yard sales), but I try to “weed out” pretty often and donate the toys that they outgrow. All the wall decorations you see on the walls can be easily made from stuff found at Michael’s or AC Moore or ebay :)

  • Angel

    Hilarious! I just snorted! I worked for p.b. for seven years and their stuff is great; I would help people lay out their entire homes, down to the soap dishes. I would try to explain that real kids wouldn’t keep their rooms ‘catalogue shoot’ ready, but they would try anyway. All fun – like Vogue – we go there for visual perfection – not reality :-) Still laughing!

  • Stewie

    perfect…having been a manager at pbk previously…this hits the nail on the head…those entitled young parents are the absolute worst, i can only imagine what their kids will be like when they grow up!

  • Stephanie

    You just made my day! Thank you for making me feel better about not being able to afford anything out of that stupidly beautiful catalog.

  • HHHalldin

    OK. I admit it. I not only got pb linens for my kids when they were babies for their nurseries – I also corralled my folks into getting the furniture to go with it! And the rugs. (hangs head in shame) Of course my kids almost never slept in said cribs. Which made selling the stuff on ebay easier. But damn, they’re rooms looked cute. And given their ultra-traditional nordic names, well, I had to make sure everyone knew how to spell them. I just wish I’d gotten the phonetic version. So they’d know how to pronounce them, too. Thanks for the laughs regardless.

    • HHHalldin

      They’re? Really? Sigh.

  • BK

    As the former product development director of Pottery Barn Kids- Just want to say I love this so funny! I can’t speak for everyone- but it’s refreshing to see your healthy perspective on the “fantasy” rooms we created. The idea was to inspire– but so many folks like what they see literally and want it just so! It was always a challenge to come up with new ways to show a room and I’m so glad you were able to have fun with it! Keep us laughing! Thanks.

  • Trina @afewmineradjustments

    Brilliant and so funny!

  • KimSue

    The suspended beds in the last photo might be cool. Swinging whenever one turns over and real easy to clean under; but how do the kids get to the top bed?

    • suburbanturmoil

      Ah. That is the question.

  • sara

    This is so funny,,,,So witty and totally enjoyable to read. Thanks for the fun.

  • Kimberly

    You need to do a post on raising kids in a minimalistic one room home:

    http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2014/02/13/greathomesanddestinations/20140213-LOCATION.html#1

  • Lena

    This is great !!! My husband cracks jokes all the time;)

  • Cyndi

    Hysterical! And pure genius. I am sad to say neither Pottery Barn post has kept me from wanting to live in a Pottery Barn house–not as sad as my husband–but it has helped me come to terms with my grief.

  • Jessica Hehir

    Love it! I’m with Kathy, I’d love to hear what they have to say. I’m sharing. Thanks for the laugh!

  • Samantha Smith

    This is hysterical! As someone with the “perfect PB home” I love your satirical take on it! ‘The rope cutting incident’ had me in tears! Lol :)