Fall is right around the corner– so I turned to the moms from last night’s VMA awards to figure out what I should be wearing to PTO meetings and baseball practices this season. I’ve learned many valuable lessons from last night’s red carpet looks and I wanted to share them with you so that we can all look our best in the car rider pickup line this year!
1. Crotch is the new cleavage.
Lady crotches were definitely on full display at the VMA awards this year, which was something new, I’ll admit. But we all know if Beyonce is wearing it, it MUST be okay– and if that means we should all be showing up at our kid’s recitals in see-through dresses with gigantic feather collars? SO BEY IT. 🍋 🍋 🍋
2. Make sure your fall outfits all call attention to the fact that YOU ARE TOTALLY NAKED UNDERNEATH THEM.
No one sets a better example in this department than North West’s mama, Kim Kardashian.If you’re going somewhere and you know you’re going to be seen by lots of people (like church for example), just make sure you’re wearing something that lets them see as much of you as possible.
3. Shirts are soooo 2015.
Amber Rose is a busy mom who clearly couldn’t be bothered with trying to find a top to match her pantsuit. Follow her example the next time you’re dressing for an important business meeting and simply omit the shirt altogether!
4. Feeling extra stylish? Leave the bra at home, too!
Judging from the majority of the women at the VMAs, bras have gone the way of the corset. So just throw on a jacket and some jeans before Parent’s Night at your kid’s school and you’ll be good to go!
5. Makeup is for the weak.
Okay, okay. There’s hardly a suburban mom out there who hasn’t stumbled into an important event at least once wearing her favorite nightgown and no makeup. But it’s nice to see Alicia Keyes got the memo!
6. To get the look for less, take your favorite little black dress and strategically slash it with a sharp pair of scissors. Voila! You’re red carpet ready!
Britney has always had a way with scissors, hasn’t she?
7. Mom jeans are back in style!
Add some sassy appliques like the ones on Dascha Polanco’s jeans (I bet you can find some at JoAnn!) and the moms at the playground will be green with envy!
8. Latex makes everything better!
Good Morning America anchor and mother Sara Haines proved last night that latex is for more than washing dishes and preventing pregnancies! As an added bonus, latex dresses are one-size-fits-all… a great option for busy moms who don’t have time for the dressing room!
9. Your new style inspiration? ELVIRA.
Forget about Jackie Kennedy and Audrey Hepburn. Mother of two Jenni Farley knows that this season, mom style centers around everyone’s favorite Queen of Darkness. Wear this when you volunteer at Field Day and see if you don’t get jealous stares from the other moms! Haters gonna hate!
10. If you’re killing it at the gym, you get a free pass to wear whatever the hell you want.
Teen Mom star Teyana Taylor caught everyone’s attention in Kanye’s latest video, Fade, which premiered on the VMA Awards last night. Do enough squats and you’ll look good in a trash bag, if that’s your thing.
You are now officially ready to slay at your next Homeowner’s Assocation meeting, ladies! No need to thank me– I just love helping the moms of America look good!