I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
Playdates, Continued
February 14, 2013
Tuesday’s post regarding the playdate issue has generated lots of discussion– as I knew it would– and you all had a wide range of opinions.
Some said (very nicely, I might add) they believe I’m overthinking the playdate issue, that I’m hovering, and that I should let my children experience different homes and different parenting styles, good and bad. I agree with that to some extent. But because of the experiences I’ve had raising my two stepdaughters (who are now in college), as well as experiences I had as a kid myself, I’m taking the playdate issue a little more seriously this time around. I feel like laying the groundwork and expectations for my kids now, while they’re young, may save me some headaches down the road.
We were fortunate when my stepdaughters were teenagers that they told us a lot about what was going on among their classmates, many of whom had parents who were friends and acquaintances of ours. We were very surprised about what certain parents allowed in their homes– One mom let her son and his friends smoke pot in the house– and often smoked with them. One bachelor dad frequently let his son have wild parties at his house. Alcohol was allowed and couples could spend the night there if they wanted. Another allowed co-ed sleepovers, without bothering to inform the other parents. These are just a few examples of what was happening among my stepdaughters’ friends and acquaintances on a regular basis. Most of the other parents were clueless that all this was going on.
And it’s not so different from what was happening when I was growing up. I had friends whose parents who let kids and their friends drink in their home, and often drank with them. I had friends whose parents were so detached that it was easy to sneak out a bathroom window and spend the night out on the town in Atlanta, undetected. I had friends whose parents often didn’t come home themselves on the weekends, or went away on regular business trips leaving their teenagers alone– Sometimes, I spent the night at these homes and felt compelled to try some of the things that my own parents would never have permitted. My parents often never suspected a thing, mostly because my friends’ parents seemed lovely. They seemed to have it together. They seemed like they would never allow these things to happen.
Much of the fun I had at friends’ homes was harmless, but I can think of a few too many situations during those times when I sneaked out or stayed out all night and could have been hurt. Or raped. Or even killed. We were doing what teenagers do- making stupid, careless decisions without thinking of consequences- and we still, whether we knew it or not, needed our parents to be our guides.
And some of them did a better job than others.
So yes, I believe that I should give my kids some room to explore their boundaries as they grow. I know they’re going to make mistakes. I don’t want to hover over them too much, and if I do, I want it to be behind the scenes as much as possible, so that they don’t even know it’s happening.
But I also believe it’s my job to make sure they’re spending time in a safe place, where poor decision making won’t mean that they find themselves at a college frat party at 3 in the morning when they’re 15 years old, with only a stranger’s help to get back home. And if that means calling the parent and asking questions or driving over myself to see what’s up, I’m going to have to woman up and do it.
What does all this have to do with playdates for five-year-olds? As it turns out, a lot. I’m setting the stage now in many ways for my parenting style over the next 12 years. I want to be consistent. I want my kids to know what to expect. I believe, again from the experience of raising stepdaughters, with whom I made many, MANY mistakes, that it’s way more difficult to suddenly flip a parental “sleepover screening” switch when your kid turns 12 or 13 than it is to establish a pattern of how it’s going to be from the very beginning.
With all the discussion about this issue, I’m pretty sure that I’m coming across to all of you as some sort of weird parental detective, dusting the doorknobs for fingerprints, peering at parents through a giant magnifying glass. Uh. No. I don’t really think about this issue all that much- I promise!
But at the same time, it’s a serious matter. It is. There is no overthinking it, moms, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise if you’re feeling uneasy or you’re wanting to ask questions or feeling you should just say no to the playdate, in whatever way you have to. You are in charge of your kids’ safety. That’s a huge responsibility, and it’s not one to be taken lightly.
And that’s how I feel about that.
Image via James Thompson/Flickr
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Very well written, Lindsay, and I agree that a LOT more goes on out there than *some* parents realize – especially amongest so-called “good and stable” households. Better to be a bit overcautious (I personally don’t think a parent can be too cautious) than wind up with a troubled or hurt child – or worse.
I do the same sort of research. I do ask the gun question, hadn’t occurred to me to ask about the internet. There is so much that can go wrong even if we are incredibly vigilant. I am trying to balance what our girls want to do, what I am comfortable with them doing and what are the reasonable changes that are going to test my comfort, because I think that knowing that you have done everything you can to evaluate safety and actually feeling 100% comfortable are not always going to match up. Sigh.
Someone else brought up the Internet for me, too. I hadn’t thought about that on my own, but I anticipate it being a problem in the years to come. And with the internet access kids now have on their iPhones and Nintendo DSs, I don’t really know how to solve it, other than to let my kids know that if I find out they’ve been looking at things they shouldn’t online at other people’s houses, the penalty will be severe.
Oh dear GOD the internet and my kids scares the everloving crap out of me.
I don’t think you are over-thinking at all. At 5, we had to make a few decisions regarding our son’s friend’s homes. There is one that he simply is not allowed to play at without me present. Others, fine for the day but no sleepovers. It’s hard to do, but you are 100% correct – WE are their advocates for their safety and well-being. No one else will bother.
“at 5” – meaning when my son was 5
Lindsay, I also had some experiences that weren’t great as a teen. And like you, we will err on the side of caution when it comes to sleepover and time at friends’ houses, even for our teens. John and I don’t think we’ll prevent every possible problem, but we are doing our best to maximize their good childhood memories and keep kids safe as they grow.
Mary, momma to 10
Since you have 10 kids, I will defer to your wisdom. Thanks for sharing! 🙂
Double Yes! Don’t let anyone ever tell you you’re overthinking it when it comes to your kids’ safety. Yes, parents can get too involved in other aspects of a kid’s life, but I think you maneuver these things well 🙂
Thanks, Jenna. I often DON’T maneuver these things well AT ALL, but at least I can share my mistakes with everyone else!
My biggest issue with what you’re doing is you are calling it a play date. If there is a term I despise it is play date. My kids can hang out with their friends by asking not by setting up a date to play. The term irks me to no end.
Playdate.
Sorry. Couldn’t resist. 😉 You can retaliate by using the phrase “We do life together” around me, particularly in a church setting. It’s like nails on a chalkboard.
When I was 10 -11 years old I spent lots of time at my best friend’s house because my parents were the detached type and also working alot. Her dad loved to sit in the living room recliner and watch porn for hours and hours on end. And she had an older brother, whose friends were always over watching the vintage porn on the 8 mm projector in the basement. I don’t let my kid go to anyone’s house without a serious vetting and even then it’s extremely difficult unless it’s a slumber party with lots of kids and lots of parents’ focused attention on the host parent.
Ugh. I’ll add to that- It was at a sleepover in 4th grade at the home of “respectable parents” (who were upstairs fast asleep) that I saw porn for the first time and was introduced to strip poker via the friend’s older brother. We played with about 20 layers of clothing on, but still. STRIP POKER. FOURTH GRADE.
One thing I learned from going through this once before with tweens and teens was that other parents often do not speak up, even when they know there’s a problem with someone, because they don’t want to “stir the pot” or lose friends or social standing. It really sucks, but that’s the reality.
It scares the living day lights to think of my kids doing the same things I did as a teenager. I had friends with parents very similar to you. I remember being so drunk, I threw up at a co-ed party, with PARENTS there, when I was 14!! I remember sneaking out and walking around town and even getting in to a car of strange men (shudder) with a friend and her older sister. I was probably 13!!!! Thank the good Lord nothing happened and they brought us home. I have good parents, but my parents did not have those seemingly obvious conversations about things like this. They were more punishers after the fact, rather than preventers. I am going to be a preventer. I am going to talk about the “obvious.” Luckily now we live in a small town where we know most of the parents of my kids’ friends because my husband went to school with a lot of them. But if something feels “off” I will have no quams with telling my kids they can’t go over to someone’s house.
*qualms
I don’t think you are over thinking this or hovering at. all. Since you wrote your last post, my family has suffered an unimaginable tragedy and it was all because, like you said, a friends parents “seemed” like they were providing a safe place for a group of young girls to spend the night. In reality, they allowed the group of pre-teen girls to do as they pleased even when they “pleased” to go shopping late into the night. The girls were trying to cross a freeway and my cousin’s 12 year old daughter was hit by a car and lost her life. The more I think about all of the things that can happen to our children, the more I think helicopter parenting is the way to go!
Oh Kim, that’s awful. My worst nightmare. I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what your family is going through right now.
I absolutely agree with you. Always trust your instincts. My son is only 3 so play dates are usually at parks. Which brings me to my latest conundrum. I have a very high energy rambunctious boy who often does better in smaller groups or 1 on 1. There is a mom who gets her feelings hurt if she is not invited to every play date. Sometimes you make plans and trying to include the whole circus is just too much. This mom business can be so dramatic!
That struck me about these playdate discussions, too- Many of our rules look great on paper, but there’s definitely hell to pay socially when, for example, you will ONLY allow another woman’s child to come to your house and NOT allow your child to go to hers. It’s tough and awkward and can jeopardize all kinds of things in a school environment. So I can imagine that the mom who gets her feelings hurt is a very real problem…
Amen.
You are so not overthinking this. The stuff you got into when you were young? There’s about ten times more of it at our kids’ fingertips now. And kids are getting into it younger and younger. If we, the parents, do not guide them through this world as they grow up and shelter them appropriately at their tender ages, who will? They may hate us for it but they’ll thank us later. We’re not here to be their friends – we’re here to be their parents.
I think this is all fine and good and I agree with some of what you are saying. I guess I just don’t shelter my kids from as much as you–and many others do. And I don’t think I’m right and you are wrong, i just think we are different. We talk about sex and porn and drinking and drugs and molestation and cyberbullying etc etc with the kids (mine are 9 and 10). We talk about how different families have different rules. My kids know what’s appropriate and the behavior I expect of them. However, I also anticipate that the time will come when they go to a sleepover and sneak a beer from the fridge. or look up porn on an unprotected computer. Or whatever it is. If it happens in 4th grade or 5th grade, I am okay with it–not because I want them to be exposed to that stuff, but because I know that they will be inevitably, and at this age, my kids are much more likely to talk to me about it than they will be as teenagers. (I am assuming here, based on myself as a teenager–I didn’t tell my parents ANYTHING). I try to keep them safe but I also try to trust them– and at least when they are exposed to these things we can have a conversation about it. That’s my position but I know it is not everyone’s, and I okay with that. Different strokes, right? My friends run the gamut of parenting styles but I try to appreciate our similarites and differences.