The Elf-on-the-Shelf Now Does Birthdays. Oh Hell.

For years now, one thing and one thing alone has been sucking the magic, wonder, and joy right out of my Christmas–

The *@!#ing Elf on the Shelf.

It all began five years ago, when my daughter came home from kindergarten and solemnly informed us that every kid at school except her had an Elf on the Shelf. Being the lemming mom that I am, I had no choice but to quickly order an Elf for our own household– and ever since the little jackass arrived, he’s been wreaking havoc on my holiday season.

I had initially thought that all I had to do was remember to move the elf around every night after the kids went to sleep– but my daughter soon informed me that the other kids’ elves didn’t just move while everyone was sleeping– they played elaborate pranks! And baked brownies! And left handwritten haikus!

And so I tried to step up my game.

Oddly, my kids were not impressed.

And it only went downhill from there.

A couple of years into our Elf on the Shelf tradition, they began to notice that the little guy had some design flaws. For one thing, he had a ‘Made in China’ tag sewn into his side. “I thought he was from the North Pole,” my daughter said in confusion. “How could he have been made in China?”

That wasn’t all. “Why doesn’t our elf have feet?” my daughter asked us. “And why are his hands stuck together?” These were excellent questions, questions I’d had myself. But the obvious answer- “Because he’s nothing but a cheap-ass, factory-made ripoff” didn’t seem entirely appropriate for a seven-year-old.

Things came to a head last Christmas, when my daughter quietly informed us one night that she didn’t believe in Santa anymore. What made her decide he wasn’t real? I’ll give you one guess.

“It’s just that I realized the Elf on the Shelf couldn’t be real,” she told us. “I mean, he doesn’t even have feet. So that meant that Santa can’t be real, either.”

“I knew this would happen when we got that stupid Elf,” my husband muttered after we’d said our good nights and dejectedly left my daughter’s room. “I knew he would be the tip-off. Dammit.”

I clenched my fists and visualized wiping that painted smirk off our Elf’s face with the help of a little nail polish remover. The thought made me feel only a little bit better.

Once I had calmed down, I tried to look at the bright side–  I only had to deal with our Elf once a year– at least until my gullible seven-year-old puts two and two together and we could throw the Elf in the fireplace pack him away for good.

Unfortunately, though, if the Elf’s creators have anything to do with it, that’s about to change.

Yes, friends. It seems that ruining the Christmas season for moms across the nation just wasn’t enough for those Elf on the Shelf asshats… A Facebook friend recently alerted me to a brand new “tradition” that makes me want to stab out my eyeballs with a plastic fork–

Oh yes. The Elf on the Shelf now does birthdays. For just $19.95, you’ll receive a cupcake costume for your Elf, as well as a hardcover book with colorful illustrations detailing all the steps you need to take to make your birthday planning a living hell give your child an Elf on the Shelf birthday she’ll never forget!

In fact, the Elf Makers are so serious about this birthday business that they’ve created a full-on video, one that includes a theme song guaranteed to make your ears bleed.

 

 

As the video demonstrates in all its Stepford-esque glory, a visit from the Birthday Elf on the Shelf means that you are now required to decorate a freaking Birthday Chair for your child. Because clearly, the cake, themed party, presents, decorations, pizza, and favor bags you’ve already spent way too much money and time on ARE NO LONGER ENOUGH.

 

Is the thought of decorating a Birthday Chair overwhelming you? Well, our Elf on the Shelf friends were hoping it would. That’s why they’ve helpfully created a Birthday Chair Decoration Kit that you can order for just $29.95! How thoughtful of them! How kind!

How insidious.

I’m now wondering exactly where this is going to end. I mean, is the Elf on the Shelf going to start turning up at weddings next, wearing a tiny garter? Family reunions? Funerals?

This is not okay, y’all. THIS IS TOTALLY NOT OKAY.
 
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