I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
This Might Be the Best Advice I Ever Give You
October 4, 2011
Right around the time I turned thirty, I learned to apologize.
I learned to apologize even for things that weren’t entirely my fault. I learned to apologize knowing full well that the other person probably wouldn’t return the favor for his or her part in the mess. I learned to apologize even though it was generally embarrassing, and it wounded my pride, and in some cases, I wasn’t even sure of what I was apologizing for– I just knew the person had an issue with me and apologizing was probably a good way to start resolving the problem.
I learned to apologize and my life radically changed. Because I quickly discovered that in a world where we’re all taught to vehemently defend our words and actions and to never, ever admit that we may have been mistaken, an apology goes a surprisingly long way when it comes to righting a wrong and mending a relationship.
Learning to apologize was the best lesson I’ve learned in the last decade. I’m now able to do it freely and with very little hesitation. I mean, let’s be honest: I make a lot of mistakes. I may as well own up to them.
But while many of my relationships were definitely salvaged or enhanced by my willingness to apologize, I’ve realized over time that others were perhaps made worse by it. Some people in my life have begun to count on the fact that I will inevitably be the one to say I’m sorry– whether it’s my fault or not. I know you know what I’m talking about. This dilemma is widespread, and probably as old as humankind. Those who are more prone to conflict and turmoil tend to push those who will do anything to keep the peace just as far as they’ll let themselves be pushed.
In my life, obviously, this has led to problems. I want to do the right thing. I want all of my relationships to be peaceful ones.
But I don’t want to be a doormat.
And now we come to the takeaway, and let me tell you, this one is HUGE– I don’t care if you’re Christian, Jewish, Mormon, Hindu or atheist. Think of this as wisdom, plain and simple, because I believe that every one of us could use it.
In the Session 5 video of Beth Moore’s Living Beyond Yourself Bible study (which some Suburban Turmoil readers are doing online with me right now), she talked about a time when she was having trouble with a relationship much like the one I’ve described. She went to a counselor to try and figure out what to do and her counselor told her this: Stop trying to be a peacekeeper and focus instead on being a peacemaker.
Let that one sink in.
Because there is a HUGE difference between peacekeepers and peacemakers.
When I heard these words, just like that, I had a solution to some of my most troubling relationship problems. I had been attempting to keep the peace (often fueling it with my apologies), and I had ended up feeling anything but peaceful. Instead, I felt used.
But when I begin to focus instead on what it would take to truly make peace in these relationships, everything changes. Because the truth is that in some cases, there are problematic behaviors on both sides that need to be addressed and modified– ignoring them or covering them over with apologies simply doesn’t work. And while sitting down and addressing those problems means some definite boat rocking, if done lovingly, and with the intention of making peace…
Maybe that boat rocking isn’t such a bad thing.
While this advice isn’t limited to Christians, there is a Biblical standard for it. Jesus said in Matthew 5:9, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.”
Not “Blessed are those who are the first to apologize….”
Not “Blessed are the doormats…”
Blessed are the peacemakers.
Have you learned how to truly make peace in your relationships, or are you still simply keeping it?
*We’re in the fifth week of Beth Moore’s “Living Beyond Yourself” online study, but you can join at any time and go at your own pace. For more information on how to do that, go here.
*And if you’d like to join my Facebook group for women doing the study right now, e-mail me at suburban.turmoil@yahoo.com and I’ll add you to the group!
Image via Ion Bogdan-Dimitrescu/Flickr
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I clearly need to take this class. Every time you post about it, I feel like I’m hit with a wave of understanding.
Peacemaker vs peacekeeper. I am such a peacekeeper, it’s pathetic. I do often feel like a doormat. I was always taught to keep the peace and apologize, even if I was clearly not at fault. Afterwards, I would never feel peaceful, even though I had (in my head) made peace.
Thank you for posting your progress through this Bible study.
The interesting thing about these posts is that I generally only take one small point from the entire session and write about it- so it’s very possible that you would see the same session and get something entirely different out of it, depending on where you are in life. I LOVE that. 🙂
I love love love Beth Moore bible studies. Her’s are the first where I actually learn about the Bible. I really enjoyed this post. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
I am going to be chewing on this one, for sure.
I’ve been forced to do a lot of peacekeeping in my life during the past several years, and it’s just recently that I’m realizing how unhealthy it is and that I don’t have to cater to it any more. But finding the balance has been difficult. This post gives me some new perspective. So thank you. 🙂
I think it’s a way to do the right thing without feeling like you’re getting emotionally beaten up in the process. 🙂
Exactly!
I love the part about boat rocking. I recently went through a situation just like this. I told myself I would not apologize this time and be a doormat. I emailed the person and lovingly explained how I felt. She didn’t talk to me for a whole year, but just recently began contacting me again. I didn’t bring up the situation, I just loved her like and old friend. It was the best thing I ever did. I didn’t want my daughter to see people treating me that way and think it’s ok!
Jenna
callherhappy.com
Oh we could have a LONNGGG conversation about this, Jenna. I have at times tried to be very honest with people when something has gone wrong in the relationship. I have told them I’d rather tell them to their face that something is bothering me rather than tell everyone else behind their back. In my mind, I thought they’d really appreciate it and see that I was a true friend to confront the issue- but it has NEVER worked that way in real life! Instead, I’ve lost a few friendships over the fact that I said anything at all. Most women do NOT appreciate being confronted, even lovingly. I’m glad that not many of my relationships require making peace, but some definitely do and I’ve just got to take my chances and make sure I go about it the right way.
But, in the end, what have you really lost? If you can’t be kindly honest with a friend without losing them, that person is not the kind of friend you need. They are just someone who will be friendly toward you if you continue to placate them.
The part about peacekeepers vs peacemakers is exactly what hit me in Beth’s talk this week as well. What a great concept! I was always confused by that passage in Matthew because I knew that sometimes you have to stand up for what is right (Jesus certainly did!) Now, understanding the difference between peacekeeping and peacemaking, it all makes sense. Learning how to be a peacemaker is much harder…still working on that part!
Totally agree, Anna! I have always had trouble with how to live in peace with my family and neighbors without being their doormat- and this session TOTALLY cleared up a problem that’s been plaguing me for years! And it makes perfect sense, too.
I loved this session – it really hit home for me.
It’s so much easier to be a peacekeeper than a peacemaker because in keeping the peace you can just smile and nod your head and keep quiet not making any waves. But making peace would require us to speak up, voice our thoughts and opinions about something or someone that we have a problem with. It brings me back to when I was younger (ok, even now), when as soon as I would start to address a wrong to someone my chin would start to quiver and I start to cry!
Not only that, I think I care to much about other people’s feelings….even when someone has said something cruel or unthinkingly to me (aren’t sisters wonderful for that??). I think “if I express my thought and make ‘my’ peace, she’ll feel bad”.
“Sometimes peace comes with a sword” was pretty powerful. There is a couple that my husband and I should clear the air with but I don’t see that ever happening – they’re too scary (always right, you’re stupid), and they are family through my brother in law! So if we are disinvited from future events so be it!
These sessions really give me alot to think about because their on two different levels – our relationship with God and our relationship with those on earth.
I think that SO many women are peacekeepers- We are sort of taught to behave that way from birth.
My next steps with peacemaking is HOW to go about it. If I’m trying to make peace, I want to make sure that every word I say is carefully thought out and absolutely necessary. That’s so hard to do!
Hmmmm…interesting. But I am wondering what peacemaking involves? How to go about it? Your post reminds me in a way of Siblings without Rivalry, a parenting books that explains that if you want your kids to be nice to each other you have to let them express the bad feelings that they have for each other in a safe and accepted place. But maybe that’s not the kind of thing you are talking about…
I thought about this too, Kathy. I think peacemaking involves deciding what it will take to make you at peace with the relationship and talking to the other person about it, lovingly and honestly. Peacekeeping generally involves covering over the wrongs or pretending like they didn’t happen, and it leaves you feeling unpeaceful. Does that make sense?
It does….but I’m still not totally sure how to apply it. I think I suffer from peace-keeperism syndrome like so many moms. Peace making does sound harder but better!
Wow! This one really hits home! This has been something I have been working on for a while. It’s hard when you are the type of person who wants peace to such a degree, you will apologize for things that others should really be apologizing for. You get to a point where you end up not feeling true to yourself, because you are agonizing in private over things that often aren’t even your mistakes.
I’ve learned that that I can’t fix anything, I can only help. As simple as that sounds, it was huge to really let that one sink in! It doesn’t help when everyone is so used to coming to you and expecting you to fix everything for them. That’s the hardest part for me. People come to expect from you what you have taught them to expect. Sometimes there is just no making peace, even with those we love. Or at least no moving on with the relationship if someone can’t respect that you don’t be a doormat anymore! I’ve been there. It hurts, especially when you’ve been so patient for so long with someone and you haven’t asked much in return. Then when you need someone to have a little patience and sensitivity with you, it just doesn’t happen.
It’s a hard thing and people are not always easy to deal with. Then there are some of us who never speak our mind and we keep it to ourselves, and this is really no good either.
I think the most important thing is to treat people lovingly. Try to give others grace, even if it’s not easy and they are undeserving. That’s what makes it grace, right?! I try to remember where I’d be if God didn’t extend so much grace to me. We just have to learn how to be kind and good to others without being a doormat. I’m working on it…
Great perspective, Jo Ann!
I heard not too long ago “You can’t fix what you didn’t break” and I LOVE this when I think about my relationships with people. Sounds like you might be able to use that little gem, too. 🙂
I am too tired to search and find thr whole bible verse but there is one that talks about giving your worries to God “my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Know that verse? Anyway I had the biggest conflict of my mom career last year and when I finally decided I could’nt make things better and couldn’t let this person live rent free in my head and heart anymore I gave the problem over to God and prayed for my “frenemy.” I prayed so hard for her and her bitter cold soul that I FELT INSANE! Every time I prayed or talked to God in silent prayer I prayed for this girl.
Fast forward one month into my frenemy prayer I got a phonecall and it was my freneny wanting to talk. She was aound the corner. She arrived at my house ninety seconds later. We cried. We yelled. We talked. We cried. We made up. In my life I have prayed but I never felt such an answer to my prayer than resigning. Giving it to God. It came full circle and gives me chills when I think about how the prayer was so definitively answered. I have peace in that relationship and it feels so good.