I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
The Dreaded Friendly Hug
July 6, 2011
Our discussion last week about the awkwardness of making conversation with acquaintances led in the comments to a related topic that is, if possible, even more awkward. It’s so awkward, in fact, that I can’t believe I haven’t covered it here before:
I’m talking about the friendly hug.
I mean, seriously. Who among us is unfamiliar with that prickly, uncomfortable feeling that only a badly-executed “friendly hug” can bring?
Anyone? Anyone….?
I didn’t think so.
I don’t know about other places, but here in the south, the friendly hug is a social staple. If I see a friend that I haven’t seen in a while, I’m supposed to hug her. Except when I’m… not.
The rules are vague and unclear and I’ve learned not to stress about them. Unlike running into acquaintances, the friendly hug is less about rules and five-step processes and more about a feeling. If I feel like hugging a woman friend, I do, and generally, my gut turns out to have been correct. The recipient is happy, the hug is successful and everything’s cool. I’ll admit that it took me years to get this social sixth sense down pat, but I think I can safely say I have now conquered the friendly hug!
At least when it comes to women.
A friendly hug with a man is a whole ‘nother story. It’s something of a problem for me.
And, as usual, I blame my mom.
I specifically remember a time in high school when I had a certain vivacious and charming friend whom my mother didn’t like. Mom thought the friend was, in her words, “fast,” and much of the evidence centered around the fact that when she came to my house and hugged my parents in greeting, she didn’t keep enough personal space between herself and my dad. She gave, according to my mom, “a full body hug,” and this indicated all sorts of flaws in her character, flaws that, according to my mom, would begin with her stabbing me in the back as soon as she got an opportunity and likely culminate in a teen pregnancy and work as a cocktail waitress (if she was lucky) for the rest of her life.
I, of course, was outraged that my mom would infer all of these horrible things about my dear, sweet, loyal friend all because of a simple hug. Surely, my friend didn’t realize that her hug was inappropriate! Obviously, my mother didn’t know what she was talking about!
The fact that my so-called friend went on to attempt to steal my boyfriend out from under me and then smear my name behind my back every chance she got for the next five years was PURE COINCIDENCE!
Ahem.
Anyway, the memory of this hug dispute stands out in my mind today for two reasons.
One: How did my mother always manage to correctly predict which of my friends would do me wrong?
Two: Up until that moment, I had never thought twice about hugging a man. After “the incident,” though, I became a little obsessed with it. I didn’t want to give the wrong message! I certainly didn’t want that former teacher/friend’s dad/church pastor to think that my hug indicated there was more to me than my Laura Ashley prairie dress had initially indicated! Therefore, from that moment onward, hugging a man became less of a social convention and more of a desperate scramble to implicitly reassert my modesty and lack of interest. To this day, when I am forced to friendly hug a man, it is an extremely awkward experience.
During those times when I see that a friendly hug with the opposite sex is inevitable, I typically lean in gingerly and make every attempt possible to touch the man’s body with only my shoulder blades. This can be incredibly difficult and time consuming, particularly if the man is paunchy. Woe to the man who attempts to give me a friendly hug, because what he thought would be a 3-second greeting inevitably turns into an extended round of Twister.
I’m realizing now as I finish this post that most of the men who give me friendly hugs when they see me are probably going to read it. What will they do? Will they silently offer a friendly handshake the next time they see me, even though we’ve been doing the friendly hug for years? AWKWARD. Will they make some lame joke about not knowing whether or not to hug me? OMG. WHAT HAVE I DONE?
If you need me, I’ll be hiding in my bedroom for the next six months.
Image via Solo, with others/Flickr
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Gah. The awkward hug. Been there, suffered through that.
How about meeting the daughter’s new boyfriend? I go for the handshake, he zeros in for the hug. Oh, a hugger, I say. And then we proceed to have this super-awkward hug! Like the frontal-no-wait!-side-hug. Gah again. If you didn’t want to commit to the hug in the first place, then why initiate the hug??
I’m not a fan of the limp butt-out-so-my-body-doesn’t-come-anywhere-near-you kind of hug. Either hug or don’t bother.
Seriously.
LOL. The limp butt-out-so-my-body-doesn’t-come-anywhere-near-you kind of hugbutt-out-so-my-body-doesn’t-come-anywhere-near-you kind of hug is TOTALLY MY KIND OF HUG.
So when we meet, uhhh, let’s just shake hands? 😉
I grew up in the south but I’m still not much of a hugger. My husband jokes about the invisible hula hoop that I maintain at all times. You basically have to be a best friend or a really close relative to break it.
The invisible hula hoop -Love it!
I’m an uptight northerner living in an uptight northerner kind of town, who somehow has gravitated to a “hugging” church. Gah. I’ve finally gotten used to it with the women; there are a few men who are huggers, but my body language must clearly state “hugs off!” as I’ve not had to face the question.
I think my body language says the same thing- because I have had a few men begin to bob in for a hug and then quickly abandon the idea- which is perhaps most awkward of all!!
I’m living in the same type of town, and my conservative church has become more huggy in the last year or two. So far, it’s just women hugging women. I know the pastors are against men hugging women they aren’t related to. It’s biblical for men to keep their hands off women they aren’t married to. I hope my church stays “uptight” in this regard, because I won’t hug any men other than my husband, sons, and brother. What’s wrong with shaking hands?!
There’s always the church-friendly “side hug!”
AWKWARD. ;D
Yes, but less awkward than the full-frontal hug on your children’s pastor!
EEEEWWWWWWWWW.
Oh yeah, and I shook my boss’s hand at church the other day after he shook my husband’s hand. That was pretty weird too. Since, you know, I see him every day so the hand shaking was unnecessary for me. But a hug would have definitely been worse.
An awkward boss hug. The thought makes me CRINGE.
Yeah. I’m lucky only one of my managers is male. When I hug my female bosses
it’s not nearly as weird. But, still. I try to avoid hugs with co-workers.
If I’m sensing an awkward hug coming on, I just say, “Oh, sorry, I’m kind of sweaty.” Works every time!
That’s good- but what if it’s winter time?
I’m more of an armpit to armpit man hugger. You know — one armed, around the shoulder, quick pat on the back/shoulder. Unless I know the man, and then it is a full body hug and a smooch. But a loud MUAH kind of smooch so the wife knows I don’t have designs on her man. As if.
Whoa. 😉
Did you see my recent tweet about how I inexplicably hugged the electrician? I think I’m off hugging for life now.
Hilarious! My husband has occasionally accidentally said “I love you” at the end of a business call. LOL.
ahahahahahahahahahhahaha
This is tangential, but sometimes when I’m holding hands with male acquaintances (like prayer circle in Sunday School or similar) I spend the majority of the time worrying I’m holding their hand too tight, or too loose, or that my palms are sweaty, or clammy…instead of, y’know, praying. Holding hands: also awkward.
Ha! No kidding. Also being told to introduce yourself to your neighbor sometimes at church. AWKWARD.
Ugh. The almost-hug where one or the other decides at the last minute that there shall be no hugging is what makes me the most uncomfortable. I never know if a hug is the right thing to do unless a hugging protocol has been previously established.
I live in New England (it’s not just the weather that’s chilly…) and we’re hoping to move to parts much more southerly. I’m going to need lessons in being a good southern lady when it comes to the hugging thing.
Just go with your gut and you’ll be fine. 😀 It might take a few years, though.
Yeah, we call those the “AVOID THE GROIN!!!” hugs– verrry popular in the Christian circles I run in. And I’m right in there with your Mom, those full frontal hugs may indeed = Warning: Fast Girl!
(Except in my case. Then it’s more likely just another example of my near-legendary lack of depth perception.)
Oh, phew. I had always wondered about your full body hugs…. 😉
My friend Michelle has perfected what we call the “Hug-5”. When you sense an unwanted friendly hug coming in (ESPECIALLY from a member of the opposite sex), you quickly throw your right hand up and pretend that you’re mistaking their arm moving toward you for a high-5, and turn your body so that you can squarely, and pre-emptively, high-5 their right hand.
Works every time.
That’s awesome. AWESOME. I’m dying for someone to try to hug me now, just so I can try this! It’s like taking the awkward and sending it right back atcha!
Ugh my step-sister is one of those that hugs EVERYBODY… And ten I Stan there next to them and wonder if I am obligated to hug said person as well… Gah!
Stand there… Can’t type with a toddler climbing all over me!
Stand there… Can’t type with a toddler climbing all over me!
Oh, that can be awkward. Because if you’re with a hugger, then it seems weird if you don’t hug. Been there.
I’m a hugger, my whole circle of friends hug. Even the spouses. We have also introduced the cheek/air kiss thing. But I promise if we meet Lindsay, I won’t hug! We laugh when someone new comes around the whole group. We state we’re huggers and that seems to make everyone comfortable.
Oh no, I hug women all the time. It’s the men where things get tricky! When there’s a question as to whether I should hug or not hug and a woman’s involved, I tend to hug. Once or twice that has ended up being weird, but it generally turns out okay. 😉
Cool, if I ever get to move back to Nashville (meaning a new job) we will have to meet up for a coffee and a hug! And I promise, I am not a hooch! I just like to hug! LOL
Bwa ha ha. I’m one of those evil West Coast huggers. I hug everyone. I was made that way. But yeah, I get it. If I get the “don’t hug me” vibe I can usually tune into it and cool it. So I think you’re safe with me.
Kathy, I would expect a hug from you! Unless, you, you know, turned out to be a man! LOL.
Gee! All we have here is the European double-cheek kiss. It is perfectly acceptable to replace this with air-kisses, in which you make the motions (particularly with man-friends) but do not make any actual physical contact. A lot less stressful than what you’re describing.
I have tried air kissing, but too often, the person moves while I’m trying to do it and I end up ACTUALLY kissing them, and then… you guessed it… AWKWARD.
You all better never come and live in Belgium – they all kiss each other! On the cheek, but still!!
When you see your friends you kiss them on the cheek. When they leave, you kiss them on the cheek (men & women)
O and not to mention men kiss men on the cheek! There are even some people who kiss their colleagues every morning when they get to the office and again every afternoon before they leave.
Then there is the 1 kiss vs the 2 kisses version (1 kiss per cheek ) not to mention the 3 kisses version – and unless you know the person very well you tend to forget what it is that they do. The whole 2 kisses vs 3 kisses tend to depend if they are Flemish speaking or French speaking (after all my years here I still get it wrong).
What really gets me is that people kiss you on the cheek when they just met you. So you are out with friends and they run into friends who you don’t know … introductions … and then kiss kiss kiss – why on earth would I want to kiss someone I have just met?
But what I really don’t like is: You go to a place eg. the local pub (everyone hangs out in pubs here with their kids after work it’s not dingy or dirty or sinister at all, well it’s not at 6 in the afternoon or on a Sat. or Sunday afternoon when everyone is in there watching sport) ok back to my point. So you walk in and as usual you have to kiss everyone (cause you know everyone) but then there is that certain person who you just can’t stand! They will, inevitably be smack bang between 2 of your good friends so you can’t exactly walk in kiss kiss everyone until you get to this person, nod your head and move on to kiss the next person – that is awkward!
WOW. You’re right, the social kiss in Belgium is WAY more awkward than the friendly hug in the south. It’s all about perspective, right? I FEEL BETTER NOW. 😉
I can be hugger but it depends who you are. My family and close friends (including guys) get big bear hugs all the time. Then there are people I’m not as close to but still have hung out with a few times. They get the ass-out-please-don’t-touch-me-groin-to-groin hug. Then there are people I work with or my boyfriends’ friends who, for some reason, are all huggers. They get the I’m-just-going-to-stand-next-to-you-and-put-my-arm-around-and-act-like-we’re-hugging. The one-armed hug is my go to in awkward hugging situations.
Oh yes, the one-armed hug. Very familiar with that. But now I want to turn one into a “hug five.” (see hilarious comment below for more info on that!)
My MIL is a hugger and kisser… right on the lips. A little awkward for the first couple of years. lol
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
She still does it. She’s usually sweaty. I just try to turn my head and get her cheek. Ewww. lol
Hugging is most definitely awkward. Even when I’m hugging my father-in-law goodbye, he gets all weirdo. It turns into a armed, pat on the back thing. Soooo uncomfortable!
Oh yes, the FIL hug is definitely the most awkward hug I’ve ever encountered. 😉
I’m not a hugger. Never have been. I had a friend that “required” 12 hugs a day. She told everyone – and hugged them all and told them what number they were for the day. I got used to her doing it, but I still HATE hugging. It’s just too intimate for me.
Yikes. That girl needs a Passive Aggressive Note! 😉
Girl I have a male CLIENT who always wanted to hug. That about put me over the edge. He’s not a creep at all but I’m not a fan of crossing the personal/professional line…
My usual move for aquaintances is thus – the one side air kiss with the opposite hand as the kissing cheek on the person’s shoulder. Personal enough without full frontal.
Yeah, that’s so wrong. No hugging from clients of the opposite sex!!
I haaaaate hugs. Unless they’re with family or someone has died.
I don’t understand the rules that go with them and I really wish we could all agree that fully body contact is not needed to say hello!
There definitely needs to be some sort of official rule book!
Try being 4’11”. When a short person goes to hug, our head can end up nestled in the armpit of a man or a woman. AWKWARD!
Hysterical. I do a lot of friendly hugs w my hubs fraternity brothers- likely bc we don’t see one another as often and are just excited to all see one another- and he’s the same way w my “sisters”. I think the closeness of dorms and such in college lend to that. But, friends w hubs who came around later or friend- couples I don’t really do the hug with.
However. There is a guy that is a fraternity brother and my DH and I spent a lot of time w him, esp when we had first began dating- anyway, it’d been years since I’d seen him and I saw him at a college function. When I saw him he was holding a drink and a smoke- total class- and so I thinking his hands are full, hug him. It was STRANGE. Weird. Something was wrong.
Come to find out, after his father’s death, he became OCD and totally anxiety ridden-esp w personal space issues and I MADE him hug me!!!!!!!! I totally set him back years in therapy! Oh the shame of being a happy hugger!
Hysterical. I do a lot of friendly hugs w my hubs fraternity brothers- likely bc we don’t see one another as often and are just excited to all see one another- and he’s the same way w my “sisters”. I think the closeness of dorms and such in college lend to that. But, friends w hubs who came around later or friend- couples I don’t really do the hug with.
However. There is a guy that is a fraternity brother and my DH and I spent a lot of time w him, esp when we had first began dating- anyway, it’d been years since I’d seen him and I saw him at a college function. When I saw him he was holding a drink and a smoke- total class- and so I thinking his hands are full, hug him. It was STRANGE. Weird. Something was wrong.
Come to find out, after his father’s death, he became OCD and totally anxiety ridden-esp w personal space issues and I MADE him hug me!!!!!!!! I totally set him back years in therapy! Oh the shame of being a happy hugger!
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