A Playgroup of One’s Own
Choosing the right playgroup is crucial to a toddler’s future social prospects.
At least, that’s what some of the kids’ moms would have you believe. In this week’s Nashville Scene, Baby and I attempted to explore Nashville’s widely varied playgroup scene, with disastrous results. The full text of the column is here…
A Playgroup of One’s Own
“I finally decided to visit your playgroup,” a blonde housewife named Margaret confided smugly to the half-dozen moms seated with their babies around my friend’s den, “because the catfighting at the Green Hills MOMS Club has been just horrible. So now I’m looking for something a little less… social.”
I frowned at her darkly. What exactly made the Green Hills MOMS Club more social than my Bellevue playgroup? I mean, besides their Junior Service League memberships. And their luxury cars. And their clothing from some place other than Old Navy. Well, we didn’t need any of those things and we sure as hell didn’t need Margaret, either.
But lying awake in bed that night, I began to worry. By denying my toddler a fashionable playgroup, was I sending her on a downward spiral that would continue on through an assortment of Wrong Birthday Party Themes and Wrong Schools and culminate in her serving up Dilly Bars at a dingy Fentress County Dairy Queen? I couldn’t sleep from the horror of it.
At four a-m, I did the unthinkable. I e-mailed the Green Hills MOMS Club and let them know I wanted to join. Three days later, I headed off to a member brunch at the home of a woman I’ll call Mugsy.
Baby and I joined four women in Mugsy’s toy-filled backyard who were deep in a yawn-inducing conversation over the pros and cons of nipple shields. When the conversation at last turned to organic baby food, words tumbled out of my mouth that I could only attribute to a mild attack of lunacy.
“My daughter loves those dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets from the grocery,” I blurted. The other moms politely looked away. “You know,” I went on. “They’re like, pre-made… from God knows what. Hell, they could have ground beaks in them for all I know.” I laughed weakly. “I’m just glad she’s getting her protein.”
The shocked silence that followed left me prickling with embarrassment. Why, why, why had I exposed my shameful processed-food-feeding habit to the Whole Foods crowd? I could see Baby’s social prospects floating away like the bubbles from Mugsy’s backyard bubble machine.
Thankfully, at that moment, some Grand Poobah of the Green Hills social set arrived and Mugsy spent the rest of the brunch genuflecting. Within a few minutes, Baby and I were able to say our goodbyes and beat a hasty retreat.
I spent several days bemoaning the likelihood that Baby would never be a debutante before fate intervened in the form of an e-mail from a mom inviting me to her East Nashville playgroup.
My brow wrinkled in confusion. A Bellevue-East Nashville playgroup union seemed about as likely as Jack White and Carrie Underwood appearing in concert together. But now that raising a Swan Ball Baby was out of the question, I began to mull over the prospect of bringing up an Artsy Baby. A Funky-Galoshes-Wearing Baby. A Historic-House-Renovating Baby.
We made plans to attend the East Nashville playgroup the next week.
As we drove into the ‘Hood on the appointed day, I took a good look at the hookers on the street corners, the broken glass on the sidewalks, and the dozens of men carrying that quintessential East Nashville accessory known simply as the Brown Bag. Once we arrived, I ripped Baby from her car seat and ran down the sidewalk to the coffee shop, brandishing my keys like brass knuckles at every confused pedestrian we encountered.
“Hey,” one man said as we passed.
“So help me God, this wedding ring is a diamonelle and I don’t have a dollar to fuel your crack habit!” I shouted.
“Lindsay. I’m Jonathan. We used to work together?”
“Don’t try that crap with me, cowboy,” I said, scowling. “I didn’t watch Trainspotting for nothing!”
Once inside Bongo Java, Baby and I settled in among a small group of kids and their moms whose life stories were as offbeat as their eyeglasses. Soothed by the intoxicating effect of shared dysfunction, I quickly found myself telling these perfect strangers all of my secrets.
“I have no money either,” I admitted dreamily. “Yet I’ve been downloading songs on iTunes like there’s no tomorrow.” The moms seemed unimpressed. “Oh! And also!” I continued quickly, “I’m thinking of getting a tattoo.” I wasn’t, but I hoped it would satisfy them.
We spent an idyllic two hours drinking coffee and later, watching the kids play at Shelby Park before Baby and I headed back to Bellevue. But the farther away I drove, the more I realized that if I joined this playgroup of Urban Pioneers, I’d be doomed to forever play their Mrs. Olsen, puttering around my safe little general store and bringing out Nelly every once in a while to remind them of what they weren’t missing. Yuck.
So here we sit, Baby and I, back at playgroup square one. I can’t help but imagine her sitting in some shrink’s office 30 years from now, trying to discover the roots of her paralyzing identity crisis.
“My mother was a playgroup hopper,” she’ll say from the couch in her groundbreaking eureka moment, “unable to commit either of us to any one social persona. That’s it, doctor! It’s all my mother’s fault!”
And you thought this stuff was child’s play.
>Omgoodness, I’m totally going through the same thing right now, though there’s less class distinction in my area.
>Oh, this is so true. What was also quite amusing was, while I was reading of your mad dash to the coffee shop, this advertisement was displayed adjacent.
>We have exactly one (one? I mean come on! I can’t be the only displaced socially awkward freak in my town. Right?) playgroup in my town and I’ve given up on feeling anything but out of place.
>I am a member of 5 different playgroups- and they are all seriously nuts! Here was something that I wrote not too long ago on my blog. It’s along the same lines as your article. :)How to Be a Super-Mommy at Playgroup
>So glad I missed out on that. hee hee sounds very stressful.
>omigoshi have total playgroup issuesI joined a mom’s club totally for the playgroup, hardly ever make it and when I do, i’m totaly the ‘one that doesn’t belong’.and i’m not hip enough to know how to even locate the other playgroups. For all I know, my neighborhood has one and I’ve just never been invited…
>I am so glad that this part of my kids’ childhood is behind us. So glad!
>Ugh. I desperately wanted my playgroup (we call them coffee groups) to work and we’d become life long friends. I had two on the go. But yea, after a few months I realised I just didn’t click with any of them and was always saying stuff that I wish I didn’t.So I gave up. Thank fuck.
>OY! I have a really great friend in Nashville and I swear, you two would be fast friends. I wish I could fix you up.
>Okay,]so all the moms that ditched the play groups…where do you go? lol just give up introducing jr. and hang out at the park and community art classes? …just wondering in case I decide to flee…
>I never ended up even finding a play group I don’t think. We went to the park a lot, and the community center activities, and….the library. Fortunately I had friends that I liked already with kids of similar ages, so we just spent time with them. Everyone won.
>I am officially in awe. As a full-time worker (out of the house) I haven’t been able to find or cultivate playgroups. The one I made – a yoga mom’s group – has ONE other person. Of course I had no idea they were so dramatic either. Wow.
>Oh, it is so good to read that I am not the only one. I attended a playgroup/bible study and quit in tears after someone insulted me worse than anyone else in my whole life. What a bitch clique! How do you find normal moms who aren’t into one-upmanship?
>I think this is my favorite column yet.I guess I need to get off my ass and find a playgroup. I’m kind of scared and nervous about it, but my kid doesn’t deserve to be socially stunted just because I am.
>oooh. poo.. just for the record i LOVE nelly and mrs. olsen.. but, you, however, don’t fit the bill..the great thing about finding a playgroup is realizing that you have started a successful one – away from the initial playgroup- without knowing it.. we started going to the e.nashville one (and still do, which is the day you joined us) and, now, three or four of us spend a lot of time together as friends despite the playgroup itself.. so, when we feel like we don’t want to be social and hear about how it is perfectly ok to smoke pot around your kids (hey, not all e.nashville folks are COMPLETELY out there.. some of us are just a *little* out there.. ok. that’s a lie. we’re all out there – just in our own different ways…), we just hunker down at one of our houses or inside the safe constraints of the coffeehouse…it’s great fun – the trick is just finding people who are as *offbeat* as you are and enjoying..thanks for joining us lindsay! we loved having you and would love to see your sweet ass again.. ok. not just your ass. the entire you. and the baby.. is she really famous in japan???
>See, there’s another awesome thing about these East Nashville women- They blog. *sigh*Yeah, I’m definitely going to meet up with you guys again, whether I’m invited or not! 🙂
>I have been putting off this ordeal since we moved here in August. I was lucky to join a really good playgroup during our short time in Cincinnati–it was in my development. Now that we are in PA, there aren’t many kids in my neighborhood the same ages as my girls, the MOMs Club is too far away, and quite frankly, I am tired of being “The New Mom” yet again. Sigh.
>Boy am I glad those days are over! With boys, I don’t have to worry about whether they’ll be debutantes- just whether they’ll have acceptable manners to escort the debutantes to the balls.
>You know your rendition is bullshit of what the green hills moms club is like. That particular event you went to had a few moms who serve those fucking dinosaur shaped nuggets to their own children and if someone chooses not too what they fuck do you care. Does it matter to you if your friends shop at wild oats or Wal-Mart? Some of those women drive mini-vans with NO DVD PLAYERS….i know it’s seem so out of zip code but it’s true. Shall we call the Tennessean so they can report on this crazy scene? You seem like someone who just likes to spew out bullshit to make yourself seem really clever and funny. Hope you are not grooming your “baby” to be like that or does “baby” not really matter since no mention of “baby” playing and having fun or NOT in your article just your fucked up comments about the green hills moms club and how awful they were to you and your incredible old navy loving self! These are fellow women whom you have met once – who invited you to their play date so you and your baby would have something to do. Mugsy should have thrown your stupid ass out there! Maybe you and “baby” could go play at the Bellevue mall and talk shit about the people who hang out there or is that crowd just not spewing with the obvious social commentary that any amateur writer could pick out? Just think you could eat chick-filet and go to old navy – oh wait it is gone…shoot not enough Bellevue peeps shopping at the old navy? What are they hitting Green Hills Mall or even worse the 37027….the COOL SPRINGS GALLERIA? It’s sad that you wrote that not funny article, you all of all people should know that becoming a mother can be really hard on the best of us (I classify you as an us since I assume you are woman) and many of us need the support of other WOMEN who are in the thick of it. I sincerely hope that there is not some Mom out there who was considering joining the Green Hills or any moms club and is now rethinking that based on the crap you wrote. I live in GH and I don’t even know what the fucking junior league does…do you? I am sure that it has nothing to do with some social class and the right birthday parties though.
>I am a member of the GH Moms club and was really offended by your article. It’s really too bad that you have a voice that so many people will listen to since you are not writing very truthfully. You obviously went to the brunch hoping to find women who are what people would like to think the stereotypical Green Hills mom would be. It’s like you wrote the article before even going to the brunch. I know the moms who went to that brunch and know that they would not have treated you that way. Why do you think you have to be mean to be funny? I joined the club a year ago when my son was 1 and I was dying to get out of the house and have some adult conversation. The club has been the best thing for me and my son. There are events every day of the week where we can go and do something fun around town where my son has fun with the other kids and I enjoy the company of other moms. I am also in a playgroup within the club which has been a great way to really get to know some other women and provides great entertainment for my son. I have met so many good friends in the GH moms club, it’s too bad you didn’t give the club a chance. For you other ladies out there who are genuinely looking for some support and some fun people to spend your days with, you should give our club a try. We really are very welcoming and won’t judge you about what food your child eats. I drive a minivan and on my good days, I wear Old Navy.
>Obviously many more than will now want to join your group since you seem like one who has such harsh judgments of people after you have met (aka researched) them once! Just because I choose to use swear-words to make my insults rather than hide behind mediocre back handed comments as you do does not make me bitter?!?!?! I mean WTF? I am a mother who helps promote other mothers, other women – NO MATTER WHAT THEIR ZIP CODE IS! You have no idea who you were talking about and where they come from and what their struggles are or have been. I myself waited tables for 12 years before having my first child and now I work from home full time and raise 2 kids under 4. Does that classify as struggle in your book? One of the mothers at the event you attended is living in a small apartment with her husband and two kids on one salary while they both go to school, does that kind of struggle get street cred with you? You are the one that sounds bitter and your writing is so 90’s! Been done by a many in that decade, it is about time women like you stop with your witty satire of what is means to be a mother in today’s world and start supporting other women and your children by treating other PEOPLE the way you yourself would like to be treated. You don’t seem the type that would like to be judged by someone who met you oh i mean researched you once. Oh and I mean fucking researched! How dare you present that not so pretty and welcoming image of the Green Hills MOMs and its members or any moms club for the sake of entertaining! You should be ashamed of yourself! Have a great day suburban turmoil, hopefully you and “baby” can get in some fun playtime somewhere in this cruel social scene :)ps: I joined the moms club 2 years ago and have had a blast and met some women that I plan to call friends for a lifetime and just as importantly my children have too! We all work very hard to make everyone feel welcome and supported and that they all have fun!!!
>Lindesay,I am the other grand “Pooh Bah” of the GHMC. I think you and I talked via email once or twice. I am sorry you did not have a good expeience at the member brunch you attended. However, you only met 3 of our 55 members and frankly that does not make you an expert. I can’t believe you felt like a good journailst actually printing that stuff. It seems like you had already made up your mind about us before you even met any of us. None of the three members you met are in the junior league, none drive a Mercedes or Lexus. Several of us work part time to help pay the bills. Yes, we have members who are “rich” but I would imagine many MOMS club do too. We are a loving open group and we are here to help fellow mothers, because it is a tough job! We all need all the help we can get. Anyway, again I am sorry you were disapointed in the group. I would love to have you for a playgroup sometime so you can meet more members and really write an accurate portrayal of our club. Good luck to you in your mothering and please don’t hesitate to drop us line if you ever need any support. Sincerly,Leslie
>ps: maybe you could get a book deal out of all your witty writting of modern day mothering then you would not have to work at the red lobster at night! I support you fully in that. ps: my name is Angela I spent a year as the activitues coodinator (aka social director) of the MOMS club. Hope to see you around you might not notice me though I am not dressed in old navy rather a mix of target, walmart, southern thrift, with some lands end. No make-up just too busy in the am’s with my full time job and my two kids to mess with all that plastic stuff ya know! i am sure you can relate…thank god my PLAYGROUP does not judge be from the outside:) Peace Out ST – 🙂
>I didn’t think I’d actually waste my time leaving a message on this blog page but here I am. I was the Green Hills Mom Club member driving the 1999 Mercedes 4-door sedan at the member’s brunch. I’m completely offended by your comments (trying not to take them personally) and don’t feel at all that we’re a snobby group of rich women…we’re all moms just like you, trying to find support for ourselves and our children…that of which the Moms Club of Green Hills does a fantastic job of fulfilling. And since you, Ms. Suburban Turmoil, completely embellished retelling of that brunch, I just have to say your repeated comments that day about the Charlotte Pike Walmart being such a “sketchy area” hit home for me since I live right down the road from there…and you thought we were snobby. And to think I was going to contact you about your sticky bun recipe!
>From now on, I’m going to always read the comments. Nothing says “I married up” quite like a misspelled diatribe that lacks punctuation.Ahh. This is excellent.
>I’m with you Sarcastic Journalist…. your comment made me gaffaw my coffee all over my keyboard.I really should be doing something -housework, finding my children around here somewhere – but I think I will spend the rest of the day reading the comments and watching these ladies dig themselves deeper and deeper….Oh what entertainment on a cold day here in Australia.
>quote of the year:”And to think I was going to contact you about your sticky bun recipe!”..its really a shame that sticky bun recipes are so hard to find these days, what with the need to type the word ‘sticky bun’ on a keyboard and all.There is something very mean and angry about the MOMS Club organization in general – you have to read their literature and by-laws to truly appreciate it. A recent event ‘rule’ said that children were ‘of course welcome’, but if they became noisy/disruptive(ie.acted like children) they would be forced to leave with the parent that brought them – and the two of them would be out 80 bucks. Kids less than 2 years old, charged 40 bucks for a brunch with some bizarre cult to 50’s mentality parenting and ‘friendship circles’.
>As a past president of a Moms Club, I really love this thread of your blog!! It’s great to see that I am not the only person who experienced a group of whiny, self-entitled women who couldn’t find something to do with a newspaper in front of their nose. The particular Moms Club I was part of was a mean-spirited bunch of cliquish people whose children, I can only assume, will turn out just the same. I don’t want my kids to grow up thinking mommy supports that!