>All My Gay Sons
>I was talking with a friend not too long ago about her three sons.
“Well, they’re all doing great,” she said, “except our middle one seems to be leaning in the direction of Broadway show tunes and Golden Girls re-runs, so we’ll see how that goes.”
I don’t have sons, so I didn’t have any assvice to give her. But afterward, I couldn’t stop thinking about our conversation, particularly since there’s at least some chance that my unborn child is, in fact, male. Plenty of boys have a fondness for musical theater and don’t turn out to be gay (my own husband being one of them). But what if I do end up having a gay son? I imagined my husband and I seated in our den across from this mythical son eighteen years from now.
“Mom, Dad,” he’d say nervously. “I’m gay.”
My husband would sit, silent and shocked. I’d burst into tears. The seconds would pass like hours.
Finally, my son would say, “Mom. Are you okay?”
“I’ll be all right,” I’d sniffle into an Hermes scarf (Because surely we’ll have a lot more money by then). “It’s just that I can’t stop thinking of all the romantic comedies we could have seen together. All the mother-son shopping sprees. All the darling seersucker jackets and bowties I could’ve bought you. And now… IT’S TOO LATE!” I’d break down sobbing.
The truth is, I’ve decided a gay son could be pretty awesome.
For one thing, there’d be no annoying daughter-in-law to steal my boy away from me and corrupt his mind with her own recipes and interior decorating ideas. My gay son would always come to me first with his questions on how to make a great beef stroganoff or what color to paint his mudroom.
Honestly, he’d probably just want me to go ahead and move in with him. Because the temptation of combining our book and music collections, along with the possibility of all-night Yahtzee marathons, would just too much for him to resist. As an added bonus, I could tweeze his eyebrows and touch up his highlights for him and in exchange, he could one day put a nice blue tint in my hair when my arthritis gets too bad for me to do it myself. And help me get to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Sounds good to me.
My gay son might eventually find a partner, of course, and that would be okay, too. Then we would all save money by getting a family membership to the opera and the museum. And with the added income, we’d be able to buy designer sheets with an even higher thread count.
Of course, I’m aware I may end up with a son who prefers football to Food Network and arm wrestling to Armani, so if that’s the case, I’d totally be willing to adopt a gay man, if anyone’s interested. You must love Moulin Rouge, David Sedaris and Neiman Marcus. Interested parties can apply here.
>BWAH-HA-HA-HA! I love your positive outlook on the possibilities for the future. You crack me up on a daily basis! Thank You.
>uh oh, based on what you wrote, my husband is pretty definitely gay. except that he REALLY likes to have sex with me. hmmm. maybe i’m more masculine than i realized. this could be a problem.
>I have tried to decide which I would “tolerate” more … a gay son or a lesbian daughter. I have decided that having a gay son wouldn’t be all that bad. I already love musical theater and the Golden Girls… wait. Am I a gay man in a woman’s body? Or do those two just cancel one another out?
>That’s funny!!! Did you ever see Family Stone. Your post just reminded me of that movie. It’s a great movie btw.How are you feeling
>My son loves musicals and putting on “lipstick” (Chapstick.) What this means for his furture, I have no idea.Becoming a stay-at-home mom has severely limited my opportunities for friendships with gay men (and everyone else, for that matter). I like the idea of adopting one, however. Tim Gunn on Project Runway is my current fave.BTW, congrats on your pregnancy! Can’t wait to read how Baby takes to the idea of not being the only baby.
>the only problem i would have with my son being gay, is that would mean NO GRANDCHILDREN. i haven’t been going through everything i’ve been going through not to be given grandchildren, i’d feel cheated.
>We had wondered about this having a son too. He went through a phase from about 3-5 where he only liked to play with “grils.” The boys who lived around us were really aggressive and mean and his girl friends all liked to play make-believe and do way more exciting things.Then, came kindergarten and the banning of girls phase where he wanted nothing to do with that. Add to that, his favorite channel is SPEED-TV and he’s starting to become a freak baseball watcher like his Dad and I no longer wonder about the gay thing. Damn, I was looking forward to all those musicals too.
>I wondered this too when my son was born. I didn’t go all crazy with the decorating and highlights though. I just figured we could cruise for guys together.
>I get the feeling my son is not gay. Boo hoo.
>Worse.He might not be gay. He may turn out just metrosexual.Think then, of all the shopping time, all the swapping recipes and all the decorating consulting that you WON’T get to enjoy, because he’s off with your annoying daughter-in-law on a tri-state, Ca,OrWa wine-tasting trip…
>I’m not male – but can I apply? :-)Hope you’re having a wonderful vacation! I miss you!xo
>That was an awesome read!
>you can send him to college out here in metropolis. hahaha… I would totally hang out with him and introduce him to all the happeneing gay places! and all my gay friend’s kids (because unlike the rest of the country, we allow gay adoption here.):)
>ROFLMAO! Love this!
>This is actually pretty timely for me, as I was thinking about the same thing, except I would first tell my son he’s still totally on the hook to give me grandchildren — I don’t care where they come from. Then we’ll go for manis and pedis right after the gym. ;^)
>oooh adopt me!
>You rock, Lucy girl! Great post. I bet you have another girl, though. If we ever have a boy, that boy is going to be pretty miserable if he doesn’t like musicals. Poor thing.
>well for those that dont know this….woman that hang out with gays are called fag hags and we as gay men love them to death…go shopping together eat out and of coarse look at men together…lol….I think that is why female are more adapt to except gay men than men are they are scared to show their female side…lol….this day and age it is more common for someone to know a gay person….
>OMG, you forever crack me up girl! But you know, related to one or not, every gal needs a gay companion. Luckily I have a gay brother so I got one built in, no searching necessary! 🙂 Very cute post, good luck with your gay quest! 🙂
>My mother referrs to Charlie as her “gay grandson,” primarily because of his fondness for shoes and bags and tiaras.And he does give GREAT fashion advice.u
>My maid of honor was my best friend, Jon. I knew my husband was going to fit in just fine when Jon said “Should I wear pink taffeta or chiffon?” and my husband said “Neither. Unless, of course, you are clean-shaven. Then either will do.” Jon has always helped me arrange things when I move–hang pictures, etc. The first time, he came in and saw me pushing a chair into a corner. He yelled “Stop! Stop! *heavy sigh* You straight people would live in an UGLY world if it wasn’t for us!”Every woman needs a gay man in her life.
>HAHAHAHA. That was a GREAT post. Awesome. I was just thinking about this the other day too but I can’t remember why now. (a sure sign of motherhood, memory issues) And I am quite sure my boys are not gay ‘cuz they like boobs already, just like their Dad. Damn my bad luck!
>My J has some interests and habits that cause us to wonder if he’ll be gay. But if he is we’re keeping him anyway, so I can’t help you with the adoptee portion of this post.
>I want a gay son too. I once had a gay friend and we had fun at the mall and at the theater– we even bought this teapot from Russia and used to have tea at my house, but my husband got jealous. So my gay friend and his cat had to go:(
>WIth a gay son you can talk about fashion, he could cut your hair LOL anyway I’ve known lots of gay men who I THOUGHT COULD HAVE BEEN STRAIGHT! As long as the love is there 🙂
>That was great!! (I always dream of everything I’ll have when we’re older too!)
>I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. One can only hope.
>If I was religious, I’d pray for a gay son for you. But possibly that wouldn’t go down so well upstairs, so maybe it’s just as well I’m not religious. Thanks for the giggle.
>Did you see the movie, “The Family Stone?” It’s awful, except for the scene where the mom, Diane Keaton, says that she wished all her sons were gay, that way none of them would ever leave her. She makes a good point!
>LOL! Great post, loved it!
>That’s HILARIOUS. Yes, a gay son would come in handy, particularly for shopping without ridicule as I am afraid my two sweet daughters will some day dis everything I pick out for them. And gay men are sassy, but in a fun way. 🙂
>I do love the idea of a gay son – but what if he’s not? yeah, I don’t know what to do with a teenage guy’s guy either. Maybe I’ll just stick with the one kid… (I keep typing kittenpoi today – maybe a hint I need to go to Hawaii soon?)
>…not that there’s anything wrong with that!
>My third child is a boy. Poor guy, we have enough pics of him dressed up in tutus to torture him throughout his entire adolescence and beyond. His older sister’s treated him as if he were a big doll…and of course, he was thrilled with any attention they threw his way.He now dances ballet and lets his sis’s paint his toe nails pink. He’s eight. He also loves blood, swords, guns and scaring the crap out of his Mother!It could go either way at this point.
>Ah, how wonderful it would be! And could I pretty please visit you and your gay son? Because you two would be so much fun 😀
>Same here. I just want my kids to grow up loving someone and being loved in return. Happy, halthy and productive.
>I wish more people thought like you! Gay guys are SO much fun to dance with. You got a weirdo humping your leg while dancing, all you do is switch with your friend!!! (Yes, this has happened to me, and yes, the friend switched to get rid of the weirdo!!)Thanks for the great post!
>I think thoughts like these have crossed the mind at least once of every mother to a boy. I remember a time when ‘acceptance’ was not nearly so prevalent. I can’t tell you how good it is to see (and read) that those days look to be long gone!
>LOL!Good to see that those crazy hormones aren’t affecting your sense of humor!
>I can’t even count the number of times I laughed out loud while reading that post. Well done! And if you do end up with a son who happens to be gay, I hope he,ll fulfill all of your expectations. One of my best friends is a gay man who is the biggest football fan I’ve ever known (Raiders, no less) and could not be less interested in home decor. He’d be a great disappointment to you. ; )
>I don’t know about other mothers of sons, but I definitely consider the possibility every time my son traipses across gender lines – like when my daughter eggs him on to wear heels and press-on nails, or imitate some character on TV (he’s good. very good.). Honestly, it wouldn’t make one iota of difference to me. I love him with every ounce of my being.
>my mom has been really cool with me being gay..at first when she found out she was hurt but then she came to relize that i was who i was and she couldnt do a damn thing about it…so she was there for me and got to know alot of friends and when i turned 21(many yrs ago) she let me have a birthday party and I was allowed to invite anyone..which ended up being lesbians, drag queens, gay friends and even a male stripper friend of mine.. that night was fun for all..my mother had alittle bit too much wine (she doesnt drink) and the male stripper fed her fritto’s and she loved that…we ar best friends now and live together and do alot of things together…for those that have a gay son and dont talk to them ..your missing out on fun and for those that dont have one then find one and start having all the fun…
>LOL!! You are the best!!
>I like showtunes and David Sedaris, so now I know I’m really gay. That clears so much up. I just need to figure out how to tell my wife. But I think she suspects already.
>So, is your husband rooting for Baby to start showing some butch tendencies?Statistically, the more stressful your life during pregnancy the more likely you are to have a child with homosexual tendencies. The stress chemicals mess with the baby. In addition, second sons (born of the same mother) have a greater chance of being gay than first sons, and third sons more than second sons, and the chances go up with each son born to the same mother. Researchers think that it may have something to do with a woman’s immune system getting more efficient at attacking a (literally) foreign body.But since I don’t wish you a stressful pregnancy, and this would be a first son if it is a boy, I can’t help you there I guess. Good luck on the gay son adoption!
>My two brother in laws are gay, and I totally love what you had to say!