>Everybody Loves an Indulgidaddy
>”So,” I asked Hubs on the phone while I was in San Francisco last month. “Does Punky miss me?”
“Not really,” Hubs said. “But you know how they are.”
“She hasn’t asked about me?”
“Nope. She’s been really busy, though.”
“Let me talk to her.”
In the background, I heard the sounds of a struggle. “I don’t want to talk on the phone,” Punky whined. Hubs said something to her in a low voice. Then, moments later, “Hi Mommy.”
“Hey, Punky, are you having fun?”
“Yeah.”
“I miss you,” I said, my voice cracking.
“I miss you too, Mommy. Bye!” Hastily, Punky handed the phone back to Hubs.
“We’re playing Shrek on the Playstation,” Hubs explained.
“Yeah, okay,” I said. “Whatever.”
“I’m like, their personal valet this weekend,” he continued, obviously feeling sorry for me. “I’ve done nothing but whatever they want.”
I laughed weakly. “Yeah, well, I’ve gotta go.” We said our goodbyes and hung up and I tried not to think about the fact that despite the thousands of hours I had devoted to reading to Punky, playing dollies with her, making her food that she would actually eat, washing her hair, buying her clothes and toys, teaching her to read and write and add and subtract, taking her to the ballet and the zoo and the botanical gardens, despite the hugs and the “I love you forevers” and the endless, endless, endless snuggling? THE KID DIDN’T EVEN MISS ME WHEN I WAS GONE.
When I returned home a couple of days later, Punky didn’t even seem to mind that she was filthy dirty and had tangles in her hair, or that she had apparently done nothing but eat donuts and play video games for four straight days. “Daddy and I had fun together!” she crowed. And the generous and kind part of me had to be happy that she and Hubs were finally bonding. She had been glued to my side for the past four years, so intensely loyal and physically close that I found myself literally stumbling over her any time she was in the room.
But the other side of me? The side that contains, you know, my ego? It was wounded. And a little pissed. That side of me resolved to win back Punky’s loyalty the moment Hubs and the older girls left for an out-of-town soccer tournament the next weekend, starting with a marionette show downtown a few hours after Hubs and the girls hit the road.
“Is Daddy meeting us here?” Punky wanted to know when we arrived at the theater.
“No, Daddy and your sisters are on vacation for a few days,” I reminded her. “It’s just me, you, and Bruiser!”
“Awwww,” Punky muttered, kicking the ground with one Croc. She cheered up, fortunately, once the story of The Frog Prince came to life on stage. Afterward, we went back home and I made the kids lunch.
“When is Daddy coming home?” Punky asked.
“Um, not for a few days,” I said. “He’s on vacation, remember?”
And so went the weekend. I watched movies with Punky. I colored with her. I dressed her up like a princess. I took her to play at the YMCA nursery. I read her about 1,247 books. I made all of her favorite meals. And she responded thusly:
“Will Daddy be home for dinner?”
“When will Daddy get here?”
“Where’s Daddy?”
“It’s dark! They can’t be playing soccer now! Why isn’t Daddy home?”
“Daddy was beposed to wake me up this morning!”
“Will Daddy be home when I wake up tomorrow?”
“Is Daddy coming home now?”
“When is Daddy coming home?”
“When is Daddy coming home?”
“When is Daddy coming home?”
After two days of this, it dawned on me that I very well may spend the rest of my childrearing years in a struggle with an Indulgidaddy. Oh sure, I might teach the kids life skills and discipline. My children would know how to cook before they leave home thanks to me, and how to keep their toilets, floors, and clothes clean. I would be the one responsible for their excellent manners, their compassion and service to others, and their impeccable taste in shoes. But their hearts and their fiercest hugs would forever belong to Indulgidaddy, the man who gave them candy whenever they asked for it! The man who let them play video games for as long as they wanted! The man who never made them take a bath and looked the other way when they missed curfew! Hoo-Fucking-Ray for Indulgidaddy!
Now this is the point where you may feel outrage on my behalf and assume because of this small glimpse into our lives that everything I’ve mentioned makes up the core of our parenting partnership. That, I’m afraid, is not exactly true. Hubs is, seriously, the best father I’ve ever known. He’s absolutely obsessed with his family, as I’ve written here many times before, and if he tends toward indulgence, well give me that any day over the other dads I see, who work 70 hours a week by choice and try to make up for it on the weekends by yelling extra loud at their kids on the soccer field.
I guess I’m just saying that, as much as my head tells me that it’s lovely and wonderful and necessary for my children to forge lasting relationships with their father, my heart is still screaming, Love me best.
>My husband travels a few nights every week. When he is home, he takes them swimming at the indoor pool, includes them on home improvement projects, has them help with mowing. He honestly is tied with my dad as the best dad I’ve ever seen. So I shouldn’t have been surprised (or so hurt) when our four-year-old said, “After this baby comes I think YOU should go to work and Daddy should stay and be the mommy for a while because I just love Daddy so much.”
>I’m with you. My husband is the best father I could ever hope for my kids, but it breaks my heart a little bit when my 15-month-old little girl wants daddy and not mommy. I want her all to myself sometimes. But the boy – well, he’s all mine.
>Yankee is an equal partner in parenting, so the kids turn to him just as often as to me, and I have no problem with that, because deep down inside I know they really need me more. They prove it when the come to my side of the bed in the middle of the night instead of his.
>When my daughter does that to me, I will have had it coming. Suzi currently pushes her daddy away and screams at him when she is tired, cranky, or in some way displeased, and chases after me instead. I know it’s not my sparkly personality though; it’s the power of the boobie. Once our breastfeeding relationship has ended, it will be SO over.
>I could have written this, save a few minor details like you’re with your husband and I’m not. *lol*
>Oh man, I totally hear you on this one. Great post!
>We have an Idulgidaddy here, too. Try as I might, I know when my hubby takes over child care on the weekends that my son will most likely be enjoying a breakfast comprised of oreos and peanut butter cups. And to protect my sanity, I can’t even think about what goes on when I’m out of town. I just take a deep breath and count my blessings that my husband enjoys being a father.Although I smile through gritted teeth when my son starts immitating fight sequences from entirely inappropriate cartoons.
>You might be okay with it now, but having to be the only heavy gets pretty old after a few years. It’s not fair.Both parents need to take on the unpleasant parts of parenting and both parents need to have the opportunity to be the indulgent parent.I have seen several good cop/bad cop families where the bad cop is pretty pissed off at the good cop most of the time by the time the kids are teenagers.I’ve also seen one family where the bad cop passed away. The good cop is not equipped to handle childrearing.Sorry to be so serious, but this is definitely an issue that resonates with me.
>My ego would be scorched. I feel for you tremendously!!!
>Relax-Bruiser will always love you best. And Punky may be Daddy’s girl right now but that is great! Every girl’s first love should be her dad; it sets the bar high for future (WAY in the future) relationships. Remember Punky will always love you even though there may be years she doesn’t show it. And try not to take it personally when she doesn’t show how much she appreciates you. All the cool moms get taken for granted.
>She will always love you both best, in the same way you love each of your children best.But I know exactly how you feel.There is a high that comes from being the sun/moon/stars to them that’s highly addicting. Withdrawal hurts a bit.
>And they wonder why mothers act like martyrs. Because we do everything and get no love.Yes, overdramatic, but I have the same problem over here, too. I think my hubsand even lies to me and tells me that the kids miss me when I am gone. Pshaw!!!
>*sigh*In all fairness, I’ve read two posts that include a monologue about The Hubs. But for each, it reads a lot like an SNL skit where a guy with a heavy Italian accent says something like “Yeran icehole. No offense. I doan meen dat ina bad way. I meen, I luv ya like a brudda. But yeran icehole.”And I have no clue while I feel like I need to defend a dad I’ve never met before. But I do. Maybe I can’t understand posting insulting things about your spouse on a blog. I have too much respect for my wife to ever consider it. We each do things in different ways, and we have disagreements over which way is “best”, but I’d never air out what I thought was wrong among the masses.
>1) No one is making you read this blog. If you don’t like it, there really are lots of other blogs for you to choose from. If I continually feel like making negative comments on a blog, I take that as a good indication that I probably shouldn’t be wasting my time reading it.2) Dude, we all have our faults. I definitely come across as selfish and unreasonable in this post and I realize that. That’s kind of why I wrote it. It’s not necessarily right, but I suspect I’m not the only one who struggles with this issue sometimes. So for you to say, “Oh, not only are YOU selfish and unreasonable, but I am such a great spouse that I would NEVER do what YOU’RE DOING!” just makes you seem like kind of an asshole. Plus, if you were anything more than a drive-by commenter, you would have seen posts like this one and you’d realize how asinine it is to make sweeping generalizations about my marriage based on the very little part of this blog that you actually bothered to read.*sigh*
>I concur. While I may blog about my babe and how LAME single parenting can be sometimes that does not mean she is a bad child. I would assume good ole suburban mom here has the same emotions about her hubby. While it’s I understand not writing about relationship things (I personally don’t) I certainly wish I could sometimes. My weekend SO drives me up a wall too. How refreshing to read some honesty for once!
>My boss’s kids are like this with him. He travels 30-40% of the year and when he’s in town his kids obsess over him. Their mom is a stay at home mom and has given them every ounce of herself along with fun classes, etc, but the love they have for their dad is unmeasurable. Must be something special kids have with a dad that cares.
>I thought this was classic! I am stepmom of two boys,7 and 5, and they have an indulgimommy. Out of their two parents their dad (my husband) is the parent that is trying to teach them manners, eat their food, and tie their own shoes. They also get in trouble when they are disobedient, and, always, the first thing out of their mouth is,”i want mommy!”a few weeks ago,for the first time, i saw the younger boy scream, “i want daddy”, when his mother told him he couldn’t have what he wanted. She become very upset, hurt, and emotional because it was a first for her. I just think, kids will always love and respect both of their parents, but it is always more ‘fun’ to get what they want from the indulgent parent.
>I was recently told by my three year old that I was no longer his best friend, that Daddy was now. I was midly happy that I would have some breathing room, but then I was pissed off that I was sold down the river in a matter of an afternoon of playing with Dad.
>I know. When the girls were little I spent all day amusing them, waiting on their every need, only to be run over in the rush to the door at 5:30 amid cries of Daddy’s home, Daddy’s home. Now that they are grown I notice they tell him different things than they do me when they call. They tell him the fun stuff.
>I think this is why my dad was always in charge of doling out punishments. Because it’s really hard to favor Daddy when he’s the one you DREAD coming home because then you know the trouble is really upon you.I’m not sure what our parenting dynamic will be, but knowing that I have a small (ahem, HUGE) competition problem, I’m sure it’ll be interesting. But I mean, competing for love, that’s like the purest motivation and totally makes it okay to regularly sabotage your husband. I’m pretty sure that’s right there in the bible.
>I could have written this too! There are times when it is hard being the one who thinks of the long term and who DOES NOT indulge. Too bad our kids do not appreciate it…. know that they will someday. I appreciate my mom now that I’m a mom. I can’t believe how strong she was with 4 kids. Your kids will come to you to share their hopes and dreams… video games are nice, but wait until later you will reap what you have sown! (Yes, this is what I tell myself!!)
>It is SO much easier to be the Yes Parent than it is to be the No Parent! And endlessly more fun.Guess which one I am– here’s a clue: husband travels, but his job also provides perks like cruises, trips to South Africa and an extended group of doting grown-ups who think my girls are totally fabulous. My job consists of me holed up in the bedroom with the laptop saying, “OK, OK! I’m coming! Sheesh, give me a minute, will ya?” Yeah, Mother of the Year here.
>AMEN. And that is all.
>I think it’s pretty common for kids to do this when one parent is a SAH parent. They are with that parent all day, every day, and while they enjoy it and they do fun things together, it gets taken for granted because it’s so routine. When there is time with the working parent, it’s like a treat. But I do understand how you feel. I’ve felt it before, myself. btw, I just saw y’all’s little commercial during the news. Punky was adorable! “I don’t need a jacket!” Heh.
>My kids LOVE their father. They even want their Dad when they are injured or sick which seems to go against all sorts of ‘MOM CODES’ (It also makes me feel like a total piece of hud mother.)Oh, well. At least he is the one that gets vomited on and has to clean it up, so it takes away a little of the bitterness.
>I’m glad to see that family life hasn’t changed in the 21st Century 😉 Granted, I have all the personal parental experience of a door knob, but, seems to me that Punky and Bruiser have the best of both worlds: a first rate mom AND dad.
>yeah – I didn’t appreciate everything my mom did for me until i had children. of. my. own. So now it has come around and I will wait patiently for the day my children have their own kids. Then they’ll be all “You’re so amazing. I don’t know how you did it all mom! Thanks for all the hard work, love, time and patience. We love you more than anything!” Yeah – it could happen. Until then I’m the horrid witch who makes them put their dishes in the dishwasher and clean their rooms once or twice a year.
>I can so relate to this one. My husband is the favorite around here that’s for sure.
>I was lying in bed with DS and he calmly announced, appropos of nothing, that he didn’t love me, he loved daddy best.Of course, daddy is SAHD and mommy works all the time. NO GUILT. nope. not me. sniffle.When I was out of town for work, there were plenty of times when the kids (3.5 and 2 yo) just didn’t want to talk to me. DH would ask if they wanted to say good night to mommy. They calmly answered “no.” No drama, no fuss, just “no” or “no, thank you.”Lately, it’s all mommy all the time. I can’t pee alone, there are fights over who sits next to mommy. Daddy isn’t allowed to wipe any butts or change any clothes. It’s not personal. Hell, sometimes, I would like to inform the child who just poked me in the eye, lost my jewelry and won’t let me sleep or read the paper that I don’t like them very much either.
>For the first couple of years, my daughter actively rejected me in favor of my husband, and I honestly don’t think he’s indulgent, though he is a totally awesome daddy (my father commends him regularly). It broke my heart.It’s getting better, but I’ll bet if the two of us were drowning, and she could only throw a lifeline to one, I would be out of luck. It still breaks my heart, and I do wish I could say that she loves me best. But I don’t think it would be true.
>Sounds like a good time to have a week of nothing but donuts and video games!!! Mom n daughter!
>yea, me too, my kids like dad because if he picks them up from school, they come home with fast food, candy and soda (which I totally don’t allow unless they like win the presidential race or something) but when it is time to go to bed…they both want in my bed to sleep by me,I look at dad and say, “no amount of candy will get you that, bah!”
>I can so relate to this. We don’t have a kid — yet — but we have nikki our little yorkshire, and nikki goes everywhere and you want to guess where nikki sits when we go everywhere? On mommy’s lap. And when Daddy asks “Can I see Nikki for a minute?” Mommy reponds “She said she wants to sit here.”Funny, I didn’t know Nikki could talk…
>Yes, yes, yes. I can relate. I just keep in the back of my mind when I became a mom (to a kindergardener). A month into it I was at my mom’s house for advice and literlly sobbed “Thank you so much for being such a great Mom! I don’t know how you did it. I really appreciate you!” It was dramatic, but I couldn’t stop myself. She just smiled. I could tell she had been waiting a long time for that.