>Keep your boobs to yourself
>Baby has been in a play group since she was about four months old. And in its first incarnation (before I took over, thus forcing the bitches to drop out), longtime readers (all three of you) will remember that some of the moms really didn’t like me very much. At the time, I couldn’t figure out why, but a year’s worth of newfound maturity, wisdom and stretch marks has enlightened me.
I am a breastmilk-filled-boobaphobe.
Want proof?
I would be sitting, idly chatting with a mom about, say, an unbelievable child furniture sale at Target, when her baby would wander over and get in her lap.
“…and then I found, for just $40 each!” I’d be saying, “two of the most fabulous…”
I would stop abruptly as the mom casually whipped out a boob for the baby to suck on. I’d look down quickly at the floor. No! That feels weird! I’d move my gaze to a lamp on the other side of the room. No! Who looks the other way when she’s talking to someone?!
“Two of what?” the mom would ask in a fake-innocent voice.
“Two of,” I’d look at the mom again, then my gaze would slip to her boob. “Two of the…” Oh God. I can see her boob! Stop looking at her boob! You freaking pervert! I’d settle for staring dumbly at a picture on the wall to to the right of the mom’s head.
“Two of. I forgot.” I’d finish lamely, before turning away red faced, and playing solely with my baby for the remainder of the meeting.
Variations of this scenario happened every week. These moms were Big Time Breast Feeders, and proud of it. There were more boobs on display at our weekly get togethers than there are at a Bush cabinet meeting (Shut up. I voted for him in a wild moment of panic. I’m entitled to say it).
I could not and cannot hold a conversation with a breastfeeding woman. And I was ostracized for it. Cast out of the inner circle. Because I insisted on keeping my breastfeeding to myself.
Yes, I, too, was a breastfeeder. And I support the right of a breastfeeding woman to do it wherever and whenever she needs to. I’m appalled that women have been asked to leave restaurants and public places because they were feeding their babies.
The problem I have with breastfeeding is strictly a personal one. I can’t stand being flashed by a woman while I’m trying to have a normal conversation with her about cauliflower puree. At least give me a warning. A simple, “Breast! Incoming!” will suffice. Because there’s nothing more embarrassing than unexpectedly being faced with an oversized nipple when all you’re trying to do is find out where the dame found those pink and purple Robeez.
I breathed a sigh of relief when the moms all had reached the 12-month mark and weaned their babies. But the damage had been done. I was marked with a “U” for “unbreastfeedingfriendly”, and realized when I opened the door one day and a bucket of paint dropped on my head that I was no longer welcome at The Breast Play Group Ever.
Live and learn, I guess.
>I think my comment got eaten. Damn. All I wanted to say was that discreet is key. I’m not so much for the booby flashing myself.All I can think of was my first LLL meeting with the crazed leader who, while totally giving a presentation, whipped OUT her boob for her 3 year old to STAND and nurse. I have no idea what the hell she was saying because all I could focus on was him riding on his bike and then coming back for a snack.
>Where to start? Where to start?The first time my best friend whipped out her…hooberstanks to breastfeed I blurted out, “So THAT’S what they’re gonna look like afterwards??”That simmered things down a bit. But I’m still haunted by the image. Don’t get me wrong. I give props to anyone who can do it. I was blessed with giant orbs and was unable to breastfeed. So does that mean I have to fake being discreet when the other party is all on display like, “Hey ya’ll! Welcome to Hooters. Would you like some fries with that breastmilk?”NEXT, what kind of decent woman interrupts tale of a Target sale to breastfeed? I mean COME ON…FINALLY, for the clueless mother who threatens the integrity of your playroom carpet…tell her you’re going to wipe your ass on her bedroom comforter. Maybe then she’ll get the clue.
>By the way, one good boob story deserves another. If you find free time, take a peek at my story “Booby Holders and Cupcakes” Followed by “A pleasant, baby scent”. I think these are RIGHT up your alley, Suburban Turmoil.
>I agree, I think that the boobies should stay covered….or a warning should be given. But that’s a funny story 🙂
>I was a private breast feeder too. Who wants the whole world to stare at your tits when you have a baby going to town, munching away? But I feel your pain. My sister gave birth on Sunday and already I have seen her boobs so many times I could paint them while blindfolded. And the poor men in my family. They have all seen nothing but nipple for the past few days. Not cool. At least not when they are dripping milk.
>Oh, don’t get me started on breastfeeding three-year-olds. I know some moms do it. I don’t really care. But for the love of God, don’t do it in public! I was at story time at the library several months ago when a woman breastfed her three-year-old in front of everyone- men, women, everyone. I think the whole room got silent. The truth is, it looked very, very weird. You just can’t nurse a gangly three-year-old discreetly.
>After I had my second daughter last year I was getting ready to go home and my nurse, who was very young and single and obviously not a mom COULD NOT STOP STARING AT MY BOOBS. My milk had just come in and let’s just say I had vewy vewy scawy milk-filled canteloupes for boobs. I think I frightened her a little with my boobs. I am pro-breastfeeding, but was always pretty modest about it. I bet that nurse has nightmares about my boobs.
>I never understood how some women can just whip them out in public.I was a very private breastfeeder. I’d have been an red-faced wreck if I tried to do it in public. Can there be performance anxiety w/ breastfeeding? If there is, I’d have totally had it. My babies would’ve starved. “I’m sorry honey, mommy’s milk is HIDING!!”But, yeah….I’d be ostracized from boobie flinging play groups, too.
>I’m with you, Lucinda! I was not a breastfeeder, but that doesn’t mean I want to get up close and personal with everyone else’s boobs. I have a friend who is still nursing her 5 year old twins – EEEWWWW!! I think nursing is fine, but don’t let me see you whip it out… I really don’t need that much information. Besides, didn’t momma always say to be discrete? I guess I’m just a prude. As for your poopy diaper changer… hmmm… you gotta get that to stop and soon! I let the dog in when people tried that on my livingroom rug… my dog would sniff anything and a baby’s nekkid bum in the air was a primo sniffing target! They didn’t change them on my rug after that!! They used the changing table in the baby’s room. :-)Have a great day!!LBC
>My feeling is – if they can ask for them by name – it might be time to stop. For some, it may be early or never at all. You won’t see me forcing the boobs upon you. I’ve seen a few were nursing kids that could spell the word breasts and say it in 5 different languages.Methinks it’s time to put the boobies away (and I did it for 20 months – so don’t be all hating on me people). 🙂
>there is no way in hell I’m ever going to breastfeed in public. I’m not one of those people who would kick a woman out of a restaurant to breastfeed – I just don’t understand WHY they’d want to do it in public in the first place!
>I am like you. I can’t stand the full frontal flashing of the boobies. Discreet is a long forgotten word by many. -Oh, you know what I think about breastfeeding toddlers!!!
>Women ought know that when they boob-feed in front of guys it’s a different problem. Guys have to make a decision – sneek a peek or act like she’s invisible?
>Oh whatever, its just a boob.
>I was VERY private about nursing, and would have been even if I HADN’T had major nursing problems, which I did. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, was a big public breastfeeder. She came over to see the baby when he was two weeks old. I was still having issues with his latch, etc., and was upstairs in his room with him trying to feed him for at least 20 or 30 minutes. My stepdaughter told me later that my sil was rolling her eyes and impatient, wondering why I just couldn’t feed him downstairs, what was taking so long, etc. Um, little tangent there, sorry. The point is…I can relate.
>For the poopy-diaper-changing mom: As soon as you notice that she’s about to change the kid on your carpet, sweetly say, “Oh, gosh, that can’t be comfortable! Would you like to use Baby’s changing table, or shall I get you a little blanket?” Have a little blanket *right there* and spread it out in front of her if necessary. Good luck! 🙂
>I’m all for breastfeeding rights, but I’ve always been uncomfortable around “the ones that feed with breasts”. My aunt used just just whip it out when we were talking. Same with my sister. Only time will tell if I start whipping it out too.
>I’m all about discreet. I’ve nursed 2 of them, and they always had a blanket or my danged shirt over their head. I wasn’t about to give a peep show…those monsters were ugly to me, big and veiny. I always look away or find someone else to talk to when the super-pro nursing women just whip it out!I set the rules for our playgroup right away. I had a changing table in the baby’s room available, and if the baby was napping, there was a makeshift “changing station” on my dresser in my room, complete with changing pads and wipes. Worked wonders. I just told the ladies where to go when/if necessary. One mom insisted on changing the baby in her lap…till it was a very “messy” diaper…she left early!
>Breast-feeder-a-go-go, hows that as an alternate title for this post?
>I plan to join a lactation free playgroup. I tried the boob thing but it didn’t work…the kid sucks too hard!
>This cracked me up, because in Italy you see boob everywhere you look. Turn on the tv, open a magazine, drive down the street past an advertisement. Bare breasts everywhere. Women sunbathe topless AT THE PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL!It used to get to me, but now I don’t think anything of it. And neither did anyone else when I nursed my son in public, very discreetly, with a sweater over my shoulders to cover up bare skin and that unsightly post-partum belly.Once, I was at a birthday party for a friend’s daughter and we were all outside in their yard. I moved to a quiet area and sat down to nurse my son. PEOPLE CAME OVER TO WATCH! My son was about 2 months old at the time and it was the weirdest thing. These little old ladies with their granddaughters all saying how sweet a breastfeeding baby was. That was a little weird. I’d rather nurse in front of a salivating single guy any day.
>Yeah, I too don’t understand the whole “breastfeeding while standing.” It brings to mind one of the episodes of Desperate Housewives a couple of weeks ago, where the new employee was bf her 5 year old. Oy vey.I can handle it being done discreetly, but that is just freaky. I don’t get it. And then they’re shocked when they realize you’re shocked. Huh?
>I saw that Desperate Housewives episode – it was hilarious! 5 years old! I am just like you and many of your commenters – I can’t concentrate when I see a boob. They are acting as if it’s all normal, so I want to act the same way, but I can’t and then I get all worked up because all I can think about is her boob and trying to act normal which just makes me act abnormal…..you get the picture.
>This whole post brings back a quite unpleasant memory of a Mommy & me group or something I attended once when my youngest was a baby. What prompted me to do this is anybody’s guess. They turned out to be the Nipple Nazi’s. I breastfed, but my babies got a bottle of *gasp* formula when I wasn’t with them because I couldn’t pump to save my soul. This group was going on and on about the virtues of breastfeeding and how they couldn’t imagine giving thier baby a bottle, blah,blah,blah. And because I can NEVER keep my mouth shut I put my hand up and publicially acknowledged that not only did my baby get a bottle it was filled with formula. The gasp was audible throughout the whole room, I kid you not. Not of those Nipple Nazi’s would look at me in the eye for the rest of the time. Perhaps my wicked ways would rub off or my kids would give thier kids some kind of a formula-induced-plague? Don’t know…I left and NEVER went back.I don’t know what to say about the poopy diaper thing. i always use to change my kids on the floor, but on a blanket or a changing pad or something.
>ew ew ew ewI hate when people think they can just change a poopie diaper anywhere. I’d rather see 20 boobies than a mom trying to get the poop out of the below the belt crevices every baby has. No warning there either.”Oh you’re poopie” whip off the diaper & wipes proceed to get down and dirty on my living room and then ask”what should I do with this?”Get out and take it with you, Mrs. I-have-no-manners-and-didn’t-even-wash-my-handsEW!
>hehehehe…now you know why I never bought into the play group thing.
>I am so with you on this. I was Jane Perfect Breastfeeder but guess what? I ALWAYS insisted on going to another room and doing the job because I could never get down the Quick Draw McGraw technique necessary for maximum discretion and I could never get out of my head that I was EXPOSING MY BOOB IN PUBLIC and someone was drinking from it, etc.Bravo to you for calling attention to the awkwardness!
>MommaK, you crack me up! The only people who don’t mind if you change a diaper anywhere in their house are generally grandparents. That is a good rule of thumb. I have a changing table and the good moms take their babies out and use it. But there’s always someone who just changes a diaper right there on the floor. Hmph.I was even worse about my own boobs when I had to breastfeed in public. If I was shopping, I’d do it in a dressing room. If I was at a restaurant, I’d even do it in a stall or the ladies lounge. And then I acted like every woman who came in the door was a pervert trying to get a look. I probably totally offended so many people! I see this as my own personal neurosis, not a a statement about whether women should breastfeed in public, but I’m glad I’m not alone! 🙂
>What about “baby and boob under a blanket” in public? Is that acceptable?
>Who is this “anonymous” person? As Snape would say “Reveal!!!!”
>Yeah, Anonymous. I got it. You don’t like the post. Roger that. Capiche. I read you. Ready to move on now? ‘Cause I got some really horrible potty training techniques that you’ll want to check out…
>I have a friend that’s still breastfeeding her 3 yr old. She told us at lunch one day, as she was nursing, that breasts were for feeding and people needed to stop looking at her breasts simply because America has inappropriately linked breasts to sex.To that I replied, well then vaginas are for birthing babies, but you don’t see my ass climbing on this table, spreading my legs, and squirting a baby out onto your plate, now do ya?Yes Anonymous. Drape a blanket over your breast like the dark cloak of anonymity you’re choosing to wear over your name and suck it.
>Oh Lisa. I am now giggling uncontrollably.