> Noted Scientists Discover Center of the Universe in Tennessee PASADENA, Calif.– In a stunning reversal of theories widely accepted by the world’s top astronomical experts, planetary scientists at the California Institute of Technology now say they have pinpointed the exact location of the center of the universe to the brain of an unidentified 15-year-old […]

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February 9, 2006

>This Just In…

>I was at the grocery a few weeks ago when I noticed that one woman kept smiling broadly at me every time our paths crossed. Hesitantly, I finally smiled back. Who the hell was she? “Hi,” she said as I passed her in the frozen foods. “How’s that sweet baby?” Instinctively, I put my hand […]

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February 8, 2006

>Whooooo Are You? Who? Who? Who? Who?

>As most of you know, I have a husband. A husband who thinks he’s always right. This leads to periodic bickering, in which he tells me why he’s right and I’m wrong and then I tell him why he’s wrong and I’m right. Loudly. Almost all of our arguments fall into the category of “dumb […]

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February 6, 2006

>Love, Marriage and Outdoor Parking

>Last night, my 12-year-old stepdaughter underwent a mall metamorphosis. I had dropped her and a friend off at our sad excuse for a neighborhood shopping center at 5pm. Makeupless, elf-sized, hair pulled back in a simple ponytail, eyes peering out from behind funky little glasses, you would have thought she was closer to 10 than […]

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February 4, 2006

>Limbo

> It was another dreary morning at Suburban Turmoil, Inc. Lucinda sighed as she put her 1,247,504th load of laundry into the washing machine. Was this what her life would amount to? The ability to make a paste from Spray n’ Wash and Oxyclean that would eliminate even the toughest stains? She knew she should […]

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February 3, 2006

>Welcome to the Dollhouse

>Starting a new job requires all kinds of training. You might receive a 500-page employee handbook that you’ll never read. You may be assigned to shadow a bitchy fellow worker for a few days who will set you back weeks with her false information. And you will likely find yourself tete-a-tete with the stringy haired […]

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February 2, 2006

>The Merkin

>When I left home for college, my mom was all about the empty nesting. “I just don’t know what I’m going to doooooo without her,” she moaned to her friends on the phone, prompting dozens of sympathetic ladies-who-lunch dates. “I’m just too sadddddd to go to church this morning,” she whimpered to my father on […]

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January 31, 2006

>Lucinda’s Secret

>It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was my Saturday night. Hubs was up for A Big Award at a locally televised ceremony last night, along with several of his co-workers (my former co-workers). We decided to make a date night of it, pulling our dusty formalwear out of […]

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January 30, 2006

>My Big Night Out

>Last night, Baby was standing in front of me holding half an orange crayon. Thoughtfully, she put the end of it in her mouth. “No, Baby,” I said. “We don’t put crayons in our mouths. No.” Quickly, she removed the crayon, looked at it quizzically for a moment, then popped it in her mouth again. […]

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January 28, 2006

>Orange

>If anyone ever offers you a bag of Arbonne products to try for a week? Just. Say. No. About a week ago, I mentioned that one of my friends had become an Arbonne consultant and loaned out a $266 skin care line for me to sample and return, along with (She hoped! She hoped!) a […]

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January 27, 2006

>The Cult of Arbonne