>Party of Too Many
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Back when I was pregnant with Bruiser, my neighbor told me she had a great idea for one of my upcoming newspaper columns.
“You have to write about how weird people think you are when you have four kids!” she said. “Three kids don’t turn heads, but once I had my fourth, I got all kinds of stares and crazy questions. It’s insane!”
Truthfully, I didn’t think that would happen to me. After all, two of my kids are teenagers, and it’s not like I personally had four children. But as it turned out, she was absolutely right. This world simply is not made for families of six or more.
Read all about it in this week’s Nashville Scene edition of Suburban Turmoil, reprinted below in its entirety.
The Ferrier Family Circus
It was your average Nashville art show fundraiser, the kind where you see women of a certain age flaunting their furs and calling everyone “Deah,” wealthy bidnessmen sporting bow ties and enormous paunches, and so many pained expressions that you’d swear a group proctology exam must have preceded the event.
At one time, I might have been there dressed in black and happily sipping wine from the open bar, but on this night, my oldest stepdaughter was a featured artist and so my family was on hand for the occasion—my entire family. My husband pushed a stroller holding our 8-month-old son, my two teenage stepdaughters huddled along together as one wild-haired, whispering unit, and I brought up the rear, wearing a coat buttoned to the chin to hide a T-shirt stained with baby food and grasping the hand of my 3-year-old daughter. As we bumbled our way through the crowd of Sperry’s regulars, we drew everything from smirks to stares of irritation.
“We’ve become the Ferrier Family Circus,” my husband murmured once we’d found a stopping point.
“We are total losers,” I replied. The string quartet in the corner finished playing and my preschooler began clapping enthusiastically. “Brah-blow!” she shouted. “Brah-blow!” No one laughed.
I had thought that going from three kids to four wouldn’t be that big of a deal. I thought wrong. With just three children, we could still fit comfortably in a restaurant booth. We could pile inside just about any car on the market. We could go nearly anywhere we wanted without drawing undue attention to ourselves. With four kids, though, we’ve become something of an oddity, fair game for questions such as, “Do all of your babies have the same daddy?” and “I guess you all just kept trying ’til you got that boy?” and, most often, “You’re not having any more, are you?” And it’s not just me; ask any mother of four or more, and she’ll give you a long list of rude questions and clueless assumptions that strangers and acquaintances have made about her personal life.
“I’ve had people come up to me and ask if I’m Mormon (which I’m not, and have nothing against Mormons either),” laments Traci, a Suburban Turmoil reader and mother of six. “They tell me I should ‘figure out what keeps making that happen.’ Other questions: ‘Don’t you have cable?’ ‘How old are you?’ ”
“Please don’t ask me personal questions about my fertility,” begs another reader with two sets of twins. “I am thinking of making a pamphlet.”
Author and mom-to-four Meagan Francis (www.meaganfrancis.com) has written an entire book about the phenomenon, called Table for Eight: Raising a Large Family in a Small-Family World. I asked her why so many people seem to view large families as oddities.
“The birth rate has dropped dramatically since the 1970s, and the trend has been to have fewer children and then to invest far more money, material goods, time and energy into each child. We’ve really raised the bar for what counts as ‘good’ parenting, and with that bar in mind a lot of parents are exhausted raising one or two kids. They simply can’t imagine how being a ‘good’ parent to three or four or five is even possible.”
It’s true that my husband worries from time to time that our older girls will feel like they missed out on the expensive vacations and nicer cars that inevitably would have come their way if we hadn’t chosen to add two more children to the family. Yet none of us can imagine life now without our youngest two. Besides, the Ferrier babies could have a huge impact on the older girls’ futures by making a more compelling argument for abstinence than I ever could.
“All our friends say they can’t wait to have babies,” our 17-year-old said at the dinner table not long ago. “But I’m not sure I want children. I mean, I love my brother and sister, but if I have kids, I’ll never go out anymore or have any fun.”
“Yeah,” our 14-year-old agreed. “I feel the same way.”
I smiled ruefully, pleased that my example had taught my stepdaughters at least one thing: have children and you’ll turn into a social zero, just like me.
I guess I can while away all my boring nights at home coming up with snappy responses to the stupid questions I field all damn day. My readers have some ideas.
“My mom’s favorite [comment] was ‘How do you do it?’ ” recalls Sarah, one of five siblings, “to which she always responded: ‘In the dark, like everyone else.’ People used to give her looks to kill at that statement.”
And Meagan Francis has a great answer for the old, ‘Don’t you know what causes that?’
“Yes,” she likes to respond, “and it appears I’m getting more of it than you are.”
>Good post. We’re working on that large family.Reminded me of this recent article.Good post. We’re working on that large family.Reminded me of this recent article.http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1692041,00.htmlNow if I just had the money for a nanny….Now if I just had the money for a nanny….
>Loved the column! Sent the link to my friends who have larger families as well. I also loved what you said about it being good for teenage abstinence. Two of my six kids are teenage girls and they have let me know that having younger siblings is the best argument for birth control and abstinence yet. They tell me that they want to bring their friends over so that those girls won’t thing having kids is “fun.” I want to get defensive but in truth I love every minute of it. I’m definitely not ready to be a grandmother!
>Help! I see no link to click!
>Maybe its just me but I dont see a link.
>Great column!
>My mom came from a large family (8 kids) my dad did too (11 kids). They only had three but then I married into a large family (9 kids).My honest reaction when I see a large family is that I want to be one of them. I decide that those are the people I’m gonna go and talk to first.Perhaps it’s because I’m just used to it, it feels like home to me to have many siblings around, even if I only had 2 siblings. I guess it’s just that once you know large families they seem like pretty loving accepting places to hang out, at least the ones I know.It’s my experience that children from larger families are more able to work with others, their often more helpful and less spoiled or selfish than the same age kids I see in families with 2 or less, especially if they are close together in ages. Perhaps it’s better parenting, or perhaps it’s just the natural outcome of having more siblings to play with and share with. It’s more normal to have jobs and responsibilities younger and to consider them normal to have to do, so there is less whining and fighting about them.I realize that I’m probably way outside the mainstream in my reaction, but I think it’s largely because I have familiarity with large families that other people don’t have.I want at least one more, which would bring it up to 4. But I still think about adoption and foster care after that. As the woman you interviewed for your article also said, I don’t think kids need a lot of stuff, or expensive vacations, though it would be great to be able to give them that, I think they need family, and basics, and books, and a chance to use their minds and imaginations to explore and learn. They definitely don’t need designer clothes or expensive toys/accessories. It shocks me that people think they do. Even if I could afford designer labels for my kids, I wouldn’t spend the money on that, they could earn their own if they cared that much. I’d save the money and take them to a third world country to see kids that have nothing and people who work in sweat shops and garbage dumps and find the places where children spend years making cigarettes all day long because their family owes the factory worker $30 and can’t pay him back so their child will grow up there in virtual slavery. When $30 can set a child free, and you’ve seen it, it’s hard to spend that much money on a new shirt.I don’t think there are too many people in the world, obviously. But I do think there are too many people behaving selfishly.I guess that’s a sidetrack, but it ties into one of the major arguments against large families.I will step down off of my soap box now
>Okay. That was weird. The link was there and then it disappeared. But I put it back. Sorry.
>I have three, so I don’t usually get this type of flack. What I get is some pretty blatant stares of disbelief when I tell people my oldest is in college. (My other two are five and a half and 11 months.)Sometimes I want to just kick people in the shins. Instead, I reassure these “oh, dear God, you look so young” aholes that I did not have her when I was 12. I just look REALLY REALLY good for my age.
>Very funny.Interesting — we get a lot of questions having just one child. I need to work on the snappy comebacks. They’re not as fun as the ones for large families!
>As a mom of 4 and expecting number 5, i get quite a few of these comments. My favorite response to,”Don’t you know what causes that?” is ” We’re not sure, but we think it has something to do with whipped cream…”
>I wanted 3 or 4 until I had my 2nd and besides being poor, I was very tired! But mainly, I thought it would be selfish to add any more children when I should be worried about the 2 I already had. I had a boy and a girl, what the Hell else is there to have?And I’m glad I only had 2, but now I think about stuff like, I wish I would have had more for when I’m old and if they might need (want, I hope) to support me. But still, when I see a large family I think-“Your vagina – it’s not a clown car.”
>I have seven children ranging in ages from 19 years to 7 years old and there’s nothing wrong about it. Except that I go through a washing machine every year and need to build an addition to my home to house our shoes. My husband and I knew what we were getting into and parent with joy and enthusiasm.I don’t care if people are disgusted with our choice to populate the earth with more than the socially accepted amount of carbon footprints. I don’t care that I can’t give each child their own room, television set and computer. Everyone here is happy, well adjusted and well behaved. Honestly.
>Ok, when I see the photo you posted, I always think of the version that is subtitled “VAGINA: It’s not a clown car.” I kinda get warm fuzzies when I see large families out and about, probably from reading books about large families as a kid, like Cheaper by the Dozen and the Hollister series. Oh and watching old movies like Yours, Mine and Ours. I’m not cut out to be the mother of a gaggle of children, but I think it’s neat that families still choose to be large. I agree with your interviewee that there’s been a change in what it means to be a good parent, but it would be a shame if large families became a rare thing.Oh and one of my younger brother’s female friends swore off children after I showed her what my stomach looked like post-partum. I just thought I’d let you know that you’re not alone in the “I’m a loser now that I’m a mom” department.
>Mind your own vagina!
>Large Family . hum lets see let me get my check list out 1 husband check 2 girls check 2 boys check 6 cats check check 2 dogs check prozac most def and a plot with my name on it already working on it … dont get me wrong i love my chillren. but i would never ever eva eva do it again i think EBAY just might work …. i cant wait i have 12 yrs and counting then i get to buy the last set of LUGGAGE oh the sweet thought of chasing Rock stars with a walker and the little yellow tennis balls attached .. yes .. have a great day
>I always think, “Geez, pace yourself.” but then I think I would like to have more than I do. Then I think about how just the one I had made me stupid tired. Then I think about how having more would make instant playmates. Then I think about how they probably wouldn’t get along. And then my brain explodes.
>Ack! The Duggars! I’m a reporter living in Arkansas and we run stories every time a new little Duggar pops out. Let me put it this way — — Our archives brimmeth over with Duggar stories. I’m strangely fascinated by them, as are many people in this state.
>Did you know that that picture is even outdated?! There are more Duggars than you can even see there! 😀
>I know. That’s Duggars 2007, but I know she just had another and all the Duggar pictures on their own site are flash and can’t be pulled. Dammit.Oh and jennine, of the “Everyone here is happy, well adjusted and well behaved,” statement, are you serious? Because if you are, you’re the only person I know in any sized family who can honestly say that! 🙂
>Every time I see that family I hope that that mother will get the call from 1988 that it wants its mullet back.
>People freak out at me when I say I want four kids. It’s not like I said 18. You know no one said that crap to my great grandma with her 9. Nice article.
>When I see large families out and about I just feel…longing. I’d have a house full of kids if I could.
>Came from a family of 5. I am currently a family of…me. Personal preference, me thinks, for large or small families.
>Loved the article! Since I am also from a blended family with 7 kids, we had 5 kids in the house (the two oldest girls lived with their mom. We would get lots of looks growing up, because the ages of the 5 of us ranged within 6 years. My mom would say,”We just LOVE children!” I had originally wanted 4, but 3 is enough– I just do not want to be pregnant again. Yet, I always wanted to adopt from China, so maybe our family isn’t complete yet– but there aren’t going to be any more coming out of MY body!!I think the Duggars have 16 by now, maybe 17? They are amazing.I also liked the “whipped cream” comment. I will have to pass that on to my sister who is pregnant with #6, and shows no sign(or desire) of this being her last.
>”Oh and jennine, of the “Everyone here is happy, well adjusted and well behaved,” statement, are you serious? Because if you are, you’re the only person I know in any sized family who can honestly say that! :)”I’m glad to be the first that you know. It’s a genuine honor.
>Geez, and here I am being paranoid about having my third!! With our youngest still in a car seat, and a new baby in a few months, our vehicle choices are limited now too, which makes me realize that we are borderline oddities as well. Also, I have been asked these questions too, from my own good friends and family!! Won’t this affect your quality of life? Don’t you think you are taking a “chance??” having another child? Do you think you will be able to handle 3? Give me a break.. Both my parents come from large(r) families, and I was an only child. They have way more funny growing up stories regarding their siblings and crazy family life than I will ever have, and I want to provide that kind of environment for my children as well. The duggars on the other hand….
>:) I wish I would have had the “I’m getting more of it than you are” comment when I was being asked, “Don’t you know what causes that?” Of course, the lame comment wasn’t in relation to our family size but to the spacing of our children. (N and P are two years, one week (exactly) apart.) I really liked the column. That said, I was a social zero before I had children. 😉
>Your article was great. I can’t believe some people are so rude. I can’t imagine saying some of those things to anyone. I was an only child and wished that I had lots of siblings. I think it’s great when I see large families. I do have some family members that want large families but can’t seem to provide financially for the ones they have. If you are having trouble providing the basics then you probably shouldn’t have more. Now for me personally, 2 is plenty. I feel like we can provide more if it’s just the 2. I like being very involved in their classes and activities. I think if I had more it would be harder for me to be so involved with those things and I know that is something I would really miss. I want to provide the cars, college and so on. I know that it might be a struggle to do that if we had more.
>Honesty, right? I think, when I see a large family, “How do they afford Christmas?” No, not really. I think large families have a large support group, and I admit to being in total awe of the parents of those large families because I am often at my wit’s end with just one (and another on the way). My own child gives me a new appreciation for parents, particularly those who have their hands more full with a larger group of children. Part of me is envious of their size, because I have only one sister, and I’ve seen the closeness of a large family firsthand (my dad is one of 8). So I wonder what it would be like to have that many siblings, both to rely on and to help out. But that size of family also comes with its own set of challenges, some of which I wouldn’t want to deal with myself. That’s why, after I have the baby I’m carrying now, we’re not having any more kids.Where I grew up (rural mid-America) large families meant farming families, or cattle ranching families. It’s not as unusual to me when I see a family with 5 or more kids because I grew up around it more so than maybe someone who lived in NY or LA. There was one guy I went to school with who was the youngest of SEVENTEEN. Yeah, that was a little odd, even in my farming/ranching town, but it quickly became something that just was. I say, if people really want to keep having kids and they have the means to do so, by all means, copula…er, I mean populate!As for rude comments from people, they’re just bored with their own lives and looking for something to judge.Andrea
>Great column!My first thought when I see a big family is usually something like “Bless their hearts”. I know my limitations and many small children would do me in. I love my daughter. I am pregnant with our second. My theory has always been they can’t out number us. But I think a big family would be fun for kids.
>I teach in an urban school. It’s significantly more common for my low-income families to have 4 or 5 kids. Those families generally have lots of issues…one or two kids (or in more common cases, most of them) have severe issues, and the parents don’t seem to have the time to help sort out the issues.Because of that, when I see larger families, I generally assume that the kids don’t get enough individual attention. I also make a lot of financial assumptions-those are parents who aren’t going to be able to retire well, who probably have a lot of credit card debt, the kids will never get international vacations, the kids will probably have to take out huge college loans.Mostly though, I feel sorry for the moms, because they usually look more exhausted than the average mom.
>I get comments from the other end of the spectrum because I’ve been married for six years and have no kids. I guess anything outside of some very restricted social “norms” makes many of us freaks!
>My mom was number 10 of 11. = I’m an only child.
>Funny article, but the best part with the first paragraph. The rest was not a good testament to your mothering.Listen, it’s OK to hire a babysitter to show up early and give you time to get dressed properly. Combed hair, fresh makeup and nice clothes don’t go down the tube just because you have kids. Spend some time on yourself – you are part of the family image, too.It’s OK to hire a babysitter and leave the little ones home so they don’t disrupt everyone’s dinner at Sperry’s – that’s not a place for small children. I don’t think the stares were for the size of the family as much as for the ages of the little ones. Take the little ones to kid-friendly places, not fine dining establishments.It’s OK to hire a babysitter and let the two older girls have a night where the focus is on them and they don’t have to share the spotlight with the younger ones.If you can’t afford a babysitter, find someone who will trade nights out with you in exchange for watching their kids, or ask for help from your church.Peace out.
>You know what they say about assumptions, anonymous.You should probably read the column, not skim it, because I have never taken the little ones (or the big ones for that matter) to Sperry’s. There were several families with children at the fundraiser- Just none as large as ours. Art students and their families were invited to attend.We do regularly hire babysitters so that we can take the older girls alone to events- We did so last week and this week, in fact. We also take turns taking them places while one of us watches the kids (my husband did that last night and I’m doing it next week). We also take vacations with the older girls and leave the little ones with my parents. The older girls are getting plenty of individual attention- something you would have known if you bothered to read more than one of my columns before chastising me. And if you’ve ever seen me in person, you’d feel a little ridiculous about instructing me to have “combed hair, fresh makeup and nice clothes.” I might have kept my coat on, but it was a nice coat, darn it!Not that I’m perfect. I’m far from it. But if my column was a not a testament to my good mothering, then I’d say your comment was a testament to your insecurity and general assholishness (like that word? I made it up!). I find that women who give other women snarky, anonymous parenting advice generally turn out to be the most unpleasant, least-loved mothers of all, and I’m sorry for that.Happy Holidays!
>Reading the article and then re-reading it, maybe you weren’t clear. The only reference to location of the events is when you mention Sperry’s regulars.”and so my family was on hand for the occasion—my entire family. My husband pushed a stroller holding our 8-month-old son, my two teenage stepdaughters huddled along together as one wild-haired, whispering unit, and I brought up the rear, wearing a coat buttoned to the chin to hide a T-shirt stained with baby food and grasping the hand of my 3-year-old daughter. As we bumbled our way through the crowd of Sperry’s regulars, we drew everything from smirks to stares of irritation.”I raised 12 children – all boys. (Try having three boys in the 7th grade and not losing your mind.) They are all well adjusted, successful, caring, grown men now – except the one who had a terminal illness throughout his teen years and died at 19. That was hard. But I think I have the mothering thing down pretty well, thank you very much.You are young and enthusiastic but a little snippity (like that word?) and now a little defensive over some basic suggestions from a first impression of your own printed words. It makes for entertaining reading and is a good reflection of the missteps your generation is making. You will find that children are pretty resilient and most manage to grow up in “spite of” or “to spite” their parents. The point you seemed to miss is that you may be a mother of a large brood, but you are also a young woman and a wife. I encourage you to keep all your life roles in balance. Don’t “let yourself go” or neglect your appearance and your health. Your children and your husband need and deserve the whole you.Peace out.
>Geez, anon, you may (think you) know everything about raising kids, but you don’t know amusing writing when you see it.Stick to your dry parenting manuals and just give up trying to understand writing like Lindsay’s that is ENTERTAINING, OK?
>Great post! I don’t think a family is large until I see 5 or 6 kiddo’s. And I don’t think of it in a bad way…I’m in awe over them. I WISH I had the stamina and patience to have a large family 🙂
>The only thing I think when I look at the Duggar’s anymore is “Jesus Christ, someone get that woman a new haircut already.” As for other large families, I’m generally envious. I wish I had the constitution for having more kids. I currently have two, and three would definitely be my limit.
>Anon, Wow what a stick in the mud!! I just read this load of crap you write – OH PULEASSEEE – giving Lindsay advice on going out and hiring a babysitter so she can get ready (she is gorgeous and looks lovely when she goes out- putting most women to shame). If she wrote her articles with that kind of crap none of us would read her. We all love her because she is real and we have all(even you miss prissy pants)have gotten caught in a situation like hers where we had to button the coat or we feel a bit noticeable for something other than our ravishing beauty. You do understand she is writing a story, a bit of a comical story that brings people in because we have all felt like that. I am quite certain that everyone was not noticing them as they “bumbled our way through the crowd of Sperry’s regulars, we drew everything from smirks to stares of irritation” Probably no one even noticed them for anything other than being a nice family, but if you never felt like she did (especially with 12 boys) then you never made an appearance with your family anywhere which is sad in it’s self. Lindsay, I love the way you write and making us laugh about things we feel the same way about – hope you don’t take “Miss Perfect” to heart and slow down on the hilarious laughs at yourself (it allows us to laugh at ourselves)
>My aunt has 5 kids in her household. They do not make good money. My aunt lives off of the government while her husband supplements their income. I have nothing against any family that can support their own kids, but I feel sorry for the 5 little ones (all under 8) that aren’t allowed to participate in any sports, go to any friend’s birthday parties because they can’t waste money on an extra present, and they can rarely have seconds at any meal. The shame of it is she’s had 3 C-sections and she wanted more kids. Those kids aren’t allowed to do anything because they can’t afford it. Why would she want more? Besides it being a danger to her body, they’re just deprived from life.If you can afford your kids, great!! I just can’t stand when people keep having them and can’t support them. I had a sister pass on when I was 4, she was 3 and since then I have been an only child. I have 1 and would sort of like 1 more, sort of not. I just want to be able to provide the most I can for my daughter. I know I’m not rich.
>I just found your blog and I am still reading my way through it. I had to stop though to tell you how much I appreciated this post as a mother of 4 (ages 2-9). I haven’t had to deal too much with the stupid comments and questions, but I have had my share of “looks”.
>Im from a family of 7 kids. I have cousins who come from much larger families than mine. I have 3 of my own, and might have had more had I started younger or had less fertility issues. Im biased, but think that large families breed kids that are less spoiled and self centered, more used to compromise and working as a team.I agree with the author you quoted, that people have become so consumed with making sure each child has “everything they need”, and they find it hard to do that for every child. What happens, is that child misses out on other important things, things that cant be bought, like learning to take turns, share, help out, and go without. Character isnt sold in stores.
>Ok, the “Your vagina isnt a clown car”was such stinking funny! Especially since she has that poofy clown hair.
>I am the youngest of 7 and I have 5 kids of my own (ages 2 to 14). I get comments and looks all the time. Some skanky guy at Walmart argued with me the other day that he didn’t think I was *really* old enough to have a 14 year old as a daughter (as he looked me up and down and told me I looked 21 – gross!). I’ve gotten the “don’t you know what causes that?” and “how are you going to put them all through college?” and “you look too young to have so many kids” and “are they all yours?” questions among many others. I’m usually polite, unless I’m having a rough day anyway – then I offer whatever sarcastic remark I can come up with. I’d have probably had one more child, but the last pregnancy was too hard on my body – so we’re done. My kids are generally happy, well- adjusted, and well-behaved (most of the time) – as the mom of 7 sort of said… BUT we DO have our moments, and we go through the terrible twos just like everyone else and we have sibling arguments just like everyone else, and I do have my days where I just want everyone to shut up so I can have some peace and quiet – ha! 🙂 (those are the days that my husband will say “hon, why don’t you just go out and see a movie or something – I’ll watch the kids” (thank God for him!!). But overall it’s absolutely wonderful and all my kids definitely get individual attention from both parents, and I wouldn’t have my life any other way. I love having lots of kids and they (the kids) tell me I’m a great mom – so I guess I’m doing something right. :)p.s. to answer your question about what I think when I see large families… when I see families with 4 or 5 or even 6, I think “thank God I’m not the only one!” and I try to smile at them. When I see families of 12 kids who are all dressed alike, I think “I wonder what cult they are a part of?!” Even though I have a pretty normal cousin who has 9 kids (5 are adopted), and she sometimes dresses them all similarly so she can keep track of them.