Remove turkey from packaging. Remove turkey neck from inside the bird. Loudly insist there’s no bag of giblets inside this particular turkey, then locate giblet bag in turkey’s neck cavity and quietly remove it, saying nothing.
LIberally salt and pepper turkey inside cavity and out.
Place stuffing inside cavity.
Baste turkey with melted butter. Use your hands instead of a brush because you are a manly man.
Place turkey inside roasting bag because that’s how your mom does it. Turn turkey over so that it’s breast side down and place in roasting pan.
Place turkey in 350-degree oven. Set timer for 4 hours and 15 minutes. Ignore timer when it goes off and leave turkey in the oven for another hour. Refuse to explain why when asked.
Remove turkey, cut into the top of it, and curse. Allow wife to turn turkey over. Carve breast meat from the bird. Discard legs and wings.