Things Have Gotten Super Weird in the Target Women’s Department
Target isn’t my favorite place to shop for clothes, but it’s hard to resist checking out the women’s clothing section when I’m there. Sometimes, I’ll find something cute and on trend at a good price — but this season, things seem to have taken a turn.
I knew something very strange was happening at Target when pictures of these acid washed, button-fly jeans appeared on my Facebook feed three separate times after various freaked-out shoppers spotted them on the racks.
It was clear I needed to launch an investigation and find out what exactly was going on at my beloved Tar-zhay. I headed straight over, armed with my camera phone and a credit card, just in case. What I saw scarred me for life:
As soon as I entered the store, I saw these high-top sneakers and shrieked involuntarily from aerobics-induced PTSD.
As the former owner of three Jane Fonda VHS tapes, I’m here to tell you we cannot go back to these days, y’all. My glutes can’t take it.
But if Target has any say in the matter, we have no choice.
Because they’ve also brought back bodysuits, you guys — bodysuits that look eerily like the hideous Swimsuit of Shame my dad bought me at the beach back in 1984 when I forgot to pack one for the trip. Thanks, Target, for that walk down Memory Lane.
And speaking of memories…
Really, Target? REALLY? There is only one person in America who is qualified to buy and wear this vest.
And he is called The Boss for a reason.
BUT WAIT. THERE’S MORE.
CABOODLES are now in stock at Target. I guess I’ll have to stock up on Scrunchies and a rainbow assortment of Wet n’ Wild eyeliner now so I’ll have something to put in mine.
‘Oh Lindsay,’ I bet some of you are saying right now. ‘You’re so dramatic. The 80s weren’t that bad. Acid wash was bound to come back into fashion at some point… and it’s not like Target’s trying to sell us clown suits or something!’
Oh yeah?
Think again, friends.
Target is indeed selling clown suits to women this season. Lots and lots of them. And if you’re wondering exactly how you’re supposed accessorize a danged clown suit, well Target’s got the answer…
Yep.
THEY’RE BA-ACK!
You’ll have to get right over your Bozophobia if you want to shop at the ‘Zhay this season, because it’s a freaking circus in the women’s department right now.
These prints are so bright, you’ll have to wear shades.
And the tops Target has designed to go with these clown pants are just as bad.
Take it from one who successfully rocked this top many years ago — He has some THOUGHTS now about Target’s Fall 2018 line…
I literally can. not. wait. to show up at car rider pick up in this outfit.
“Hey, kids! Who’s ready for some Sunny D?”
But if clowns aren’t your thing, Target does have other options…
There’s WESTERN WEAR!
And MOM JEANS FOR DAYS!
And for work, there are BUSINESS CAPRIS, which you can pair with a polyester floral shirt only your grandmother could love!
There’s … Well, I don’t really have a name for this look.
Dressing in the Dark, perhaps?
This outfit just SCREAMS “I let my four-year-old choose my clothes today!”
And then there’s the most radical look of the fall 2018 season…
THE BOOB BAG.
If you read this blog, you’ve seen the boob bag before and no doubt you’ll probably be seeing it again soon in person. Because once it hits Target, IT’S OFFICIALLY A THING.
The good news? Well, there is no good news. Unless you’re broke — In which case, BY ALL MEANS go shopping in the Target women’s department! Try on a few Bert-n-Ernie tops and clown pants! Parade around the dressing room in a leopard-print bodysuit and sandals-with-socks! You will never feel LESS TEMPTED to buy new clothes!
The bad news? My trust connection with the Target women’s department is now irrevocably destroyed.
I’m still a fan of its bath mats though, so there’s that…
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