Kids Not Invited? Just Put Them in the Coat Closet!

Last Saturday night, my husband, kids and I went to a party. We wore the right kind of party clothes and arrived bearing appropriate party food and drink… yet as soon as we walked in the door and I saw the startled faces of my friends, I knew something was very, very wrong.

It was an adults-only party.

This particular social faux-pas is one I swore would never happen to me. I always check to find out if kids are invited before I bring them. Always. But because this was a church Sunday School party, it really hadn’t even occurred to me that children might not be welcome. I say that now with great chagrin, but there it is. I f*cked up, y’all. And upon realizing this, I stood frozen in the entryway for a few moments, trying to decide what to do. We could turn around and leave, of course, but since all of the guests know our entire family well, I was pretty sure that no one wanted us to take the kids and run (as much as I wanted to). At the same time, I didn’t want my children to sit in a corner watching everyone else drink have fun while they twiddled their thumbs…. And that’s when I hit on the perfect solution.

I WOULD PUT MY CHILDREN IN THE COAT CLOSET.

Yes, you read that right. My name is Lindsay Ferrier and I put my kids in the coat closet at an adults-only party. It was a walk-in closet and they were equipped with chairs, overhead lighting, and Netflix Kids on my iPhone, but still. I put my children in the coat closet so that I could party like a (Sunday School) rock star.

And if that isn’t worthy of a Dr. Phil episode, then I don’t know what is.

Throughout the rest of the party, whenever someone asked if the kids were okay, I’d respond breezily, “Oh, they’re fine. I just put them in the coat closet!”  Sure, I got some doubtful looks, but heck, that’s nothing new. Occasionally, one of the kids would come out for a plate of food or a cup of water, then dutifully head back inside. No one seemed to mind. And of course, I checked on them every so often. Fortunately, they’d found Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves on Netflix and were intensely focused on the iPhone screen. My presence in the coat closet was clearly unnecessary.

My husband and I stayed at the party for an hour or so before I decided that the coat closet solution could only last so long. “Dennis,” I said loudly to my husband, who was merrily holding court at a table of friends, “I think it might be time to get the kids out of the coat closet. They’ve been in there for an hour now.” I won’t say a part of me didn’t enjoy the ensuing silence and shocked stares from the people sitting around the table. “When you pray, go into a closet and shut the door…” I told them, smiling sweetly. “Matthew 6:6.”

As it turned out, I didn’t need to worry about the kids– When I went to the coat closet and told them it was time to go, they both complained bitterly. “That was so fun!” my seven-year-old son said as we left. “Can we come back next year and do it again?”

“I don’t see why not,” I replied. “It would certainly save us some money on a babysitter.”

“Three different people walked in on us while we were in the closet,” my daughter announced proudly. “It was so funny to see their faces, Mom! One man opened the door and just froze.” She made a shocked face. “Then he backed out very slowly and closed the door again!”

I’m wondering now if he was the one who called Child Protective Services…

Anyway, parents, the next time you inadvertently bring your children to an adults-only event, I urge you to at least consider the coat closet as an option before you decide to leave- It may be a great spot for your children to hang out while you get your groove on! At larger events, you might even want to look into leaving them with the coat-check attendant. Those coat check rooms look quite cozy, and your ticket would ensure that you don’t accidentally get some other partygoer’s child when you’re ready to leave.

Winning at parenting is really very easy– particularly if your standards are as low as mine!

Like this post? Keep up with all the hilarity by following me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!