The Buttcracker
On Sunday, Punky and I met up with a couple of moms and their daughters to watch some of the older girls from her dance group perform”The Nutcracker.”
Punky was totally enthralled by the show, solemnly miming the ballerinas’ elegant moves and expressions from her seat. I was also charmed; the dancers all were tweens and teens, but they were very, very good. The Sugarplum Fairy in particular was marvelously limber and precise. She made her entrance onto the stage along with her “Cavalier,” a young man whose job it was to spin her around and around in graceful pirouettes. I watched, holding my breath as she spun, until the Cavalier turned his back to the audience. And then my breath came whooshing out.
Dude had the most enormous rear end I have ever seen on a ballet dancer.
And?
He had a major wedgie.
The corners of my mouth started twitching. I’ve seen plenty of ballet performances and never noticed the male dancers’ butts. Really, I haven’t. Generally, as I recall, male ballet dancers are sinewy and muscular, with hardly a bulge anywhere. Well, almost anywhere. Ahem.
But this guy? I couldn’t help but notice that he was in possession of what’s commonly known as a bubble butt- something you just don’t see that very often in a ballet dancer. It didn’t help matters that he was wearing flesh tone tights- with the wedgie, it was like seeing a big round naked butt on stage every time he turned around.
And in case you’re wondering the same thing as my husband when I told him about it later, no, I didn’t like it. Men wearing tights? Not my thing. Nor are bubble butts.
Therefore, I tried my best to focus my attention on the talented Sugarplum Fairy and ignore the massive gluteus maximus before me. But it was difficult. After a moment or two, I stole a glance at my mom friends beside me. Both of them looked back at me….
..and we all cracked up.
“You should have been here last year,” my friend Millie, who has four daughters, whispered beside me. “The girls noticed the Cavalier’s you-know-what for the first time. They were in an uproar.”
“Normally, I wouldn’t have noticed,” I whispered back. “But his butt is just so… big!”
“Oh, last year, it was worse,” Millie assured me. “Much worse.”
“Was it the same guy?” I asked.
“No, it was a different one,” she said. “Actually, I haven’t seen him since that performance.”
“Probably because he was arrested after the show for corruption of minors!” I murmured. “This really should not be legal.”
It took Millie several minutes to stop laughing beside me. I haven’t hung out with her much until recently, but at that moment I knew that Millie was my kind of mom friend.
>I think I need to move to your neck of the woods! It seems like things are more fun near you!
>Hee-larious! Although being from L.A., a view of a “ghetto booty” was quite common no matter what type of dance show, lol.
>That’s hilarious. I get bored easily–maybe a bit ADDish–at those types of things, even though I want to like them. It’s things like that which help me make it through! *smiles*
>I loved your take on this- I would have busted out laughing as soon as anyone made eye contact with me!Probably why My hubby won’t ake me out much!
>Just snorted my Diet Coke, thanks to you!!!
>Many years ago my parents took us on a family trip to see Coppelia (a ballet, just in case you’ve not seen it) in London. It was being filmed for tv. There was one moment when 3 male dancers in codpieces exploded onto the stage – and one of them had such an impressive – um – ‘leap’ that the whole audience broke into laughter. So much so that they had to stop filming and start the scene again…
>I just laughed so hard I choked.As with your mom-friends…my daughter uncomfortably noticed the forefront of the garment at the nutcracker in Seattle last year. We were sitting there quiety, we gave the custumary applause at the end, the Girl looks over and says with the most disgusted look on her face “uh. Yeah. could they were something else?” emphasis on the ELSE as she point ‘down there’. awesome.
>LMAO…and it can spare some, trust me 😉
>So funny! A few years ago I went to the ballet with a cousin of mine. OMG the “packages” on these guys were embarrassingly large. So much so it was distracting and took away from the show. One look at the audience and I knew why they casted men like these. The audience was filled with hundred year old ladies who apparently got turned on by these men. Yuck!
>*sigh* I wish I could find a mom friend like that. No one has a sense of humor around here …Okay, no one has MY kind of sense of humor around here. *grumblegrumble*I didn’t see the bubble butt but I have a feeling I’ll be seeing that wedgie bubble butt in my dreams tonight. You have such fun way of describing things!Write From Karen
>OK- glad to hear I am not the only one who notices these things. We just put up a 15 foot inflatable Santa in our yard that my 9yo son begged to buy for $4 at a rummage sale last year… well.. let’s just say that due to the way the front seam of this thing is sewn- Santa appears especially jolly, if not “glad to see us”! Now, all I see when I pull into the driveway is a gigantic Santa, experiencing priopism! (sp?) Who knew Santa was on Viagra!
>Tooooooo funny!!
>I love ballet (especially the not quite professional level, it’s so much more entertaining.)As the somewhat proud owner of a bubble butt, I can feel the guys pain. But I think it’s a given that the first rule of bubble butts is not to wear tights, spandex or any other super fitted clothes.
>My friend Sherri sent me over here (she made me say that)Anyway, that story was simultaneously horrifying and delightful! Thanks for the giggle!
>i have a problem controlling my giggling fits every time i see a male ballet dancer.hi. i’m 12.
>well i will tell you that male dancers are required to wear “dance belts”. they look like thongs…but you put the big part in the front and the “thong” part in the back. but i have seen MANY a bubble butt in male dancers…my daughter and i call them “coconut butts”!
>Brooke is right about the dance belts. I have no earthly idea why some dancers choose not to wear them.A few years ago, I worked a production of The Nutcracker danced by a Russian ballet troupe. I needed to be near the stage during the show, but the venue was so tiny that “near the stage” meant “in the wings, two feet from where the dancers exit”. Someone thoughtfully provided me with a chair … which put me right at eye-level with the dancers’ crotches. Not a single one wore a dance belt. I don’t know those dancers’ names, but I can tell you which ones are circumcised! My friend/coworker Courtney dubbed me “G.I. Robin.” I’ll tell you that the I stands for Inspector. You can figure out the G on your own.Anyway, the point of this rambling thing is that I will take your spandex-clad bubble wedgie over being up close and personal with Russian dancer junk any day.
[…] my husband whispered. He had heard stories about the male dancer I’ve referred to as “The Buttcracker” for the last four […]
I am a gay guy who is constantly falling for male ballet dancers. I have no idea where that sissy image comes from for two reasons. First, they are excellent predators. If they want to bed you, they WILL bed you. Second, their legs could split concrete slabs. Once they get you in a leg hold, you better hope they set you free sooner rather than later! 😀