The Girls Club
Despite my 4-day-long meeting with a thousand women, I’m generally not the type of person who enjoys hanging out with more than a couple of girlfriends at a time. If you haven’t noticed from some of the post-BlogHer gossip, when large-ish groups of women get together, a little bit of bitchiness tends to follow, and I guess I just don’t have the right genetic constitution to handle it more than once or twice a year.
This was all fine and good when I was young and single, but as a mom with small kids, it’s like a social death wish. It’s up to me to find playmates for my children right now, and my success in that area often hinges on how well I can get along in groups of other mommies. Read in this week’s Suburban Turmoil newspaper column how I’m handling my time spent In the company of women. The full text of the column is below.
In the Company of Women
I’m not what you’d call a girls’ girl. Plunk me down in a group of women and it’s not long before the squeals, the shrill gabbing and the veiled bitchery leave me jonesing for my migraine medication and a nice, dark room.
As a single girl, this was OK — glorified, even. I was the hapless chick romantic comedies are made of — the one who’d rather hang out with the guys at the pub than share Cosmos with a bunch of Sex and the City look-alikes at some sleek bistro.
There’s a reason, though, that those movies all end with the low-maintenance heroine’s capitulation and marriage to the man of her dreams. The fact is, once a woman weds, her guy friends (the hetero ones, anyway), sort of fall by the wayside. And when that heroine becomes a mother, her aversion to other women is a downright handicap. I learned the hard way that if I wanted my kids to have playmates, I’d have to lose the ‘tude, put on a sundress and sandals, and mix it up with the mommy set.
That’s exactly what I’ve done over the last four years, with varying results. I’ve made some great girl friends, but I’ve also inadvertently rubbed a lot of cashmere-blend sweater sets the wrong way.
You can understand then, why I was a bit nervous when I signed my daughter, Punky, up for summer art camp. For five straight days, I’d be locked in a room with a bunch of 4-year-old kids and their mamas. Even thinking about it gave me a stomachache, but I’d heard something about sacrifice when it came to being a parent and figured in my case, ‘Mommy and Me Art Camp’ certainly qualified.
“Are you ready for camp?” I asked my daughter that Monday morning, hoping she’d say no and we’d instead spend the day making pigs in blankets and doing interpretive dances to the Zorba the Greek soundtrack, like we usually do. No such luck.
“Art camp? Yeah!” she replied. “But I want to wear the shoes Grandma Mackie gave me. Because they will be perfick!”
“Um, OK,” I said. Those shoes were two sizes too big, but if they made my little punkin happy, then what-the hell-ever. Off we went to art camp, clown shoes and all.
Once we arrived, Punky ran ahead of me, stumbling along in her shoes like a 90-year-old arthritic woman fleeing a house fire. Her awkward gait, in poetic contrast to her pigtails and eager grin, were enough to bring tears to the other mommies’ eyes as they turned to watch my poor child bravely ignore her physical limitations in the pursuit of art. But while the tables filled up around us, Punky and I remained alone. As we busied ourselves painting paper bags, I’d look up every few minutes, trying to make eye contact with another mother. No deal. These dames were tough to crack.
The next day, I subtly changed my game, bribing Punky to wear sandals instead of her new “silly shoes,” as she now called them, and choosing a no-fail outfit — capris, topped by a loose-fitting shirt. Putting my hair in a low ponytail, I assessed myself in the mirror. “I am mommy,” I muttered. “Hear me bore.”
Punky and I still sat alone, but a couple of moms actually spoke to me that day. One asked me to hand her the glue, while another wondered if I knew where the restrooms were. Score! My good feelings evaporated, though, as I watched a mom make the rounds and invite everyone but us to her son’s fifth birthday party. Driving home that afternoon, I glowered from behind the wheel. I was wearing capris! My God! What more did they want?!
Miserably, I slogged my way through the rest of the week, molding clay, gluing on pompons, and coloring like a pre-programmed mombot. On Friday, class ended early so the kids could play outside. Reluctantly, I stood with the other mommies in a huddle while our kids tumbled about.
“Lloyd is turning five soon,” Party Mom said, smiling at me. “He’s having a little shindig and we’d love for you and Punky to come.”
“R-really?” I breathed. “Wow! Thanks!”
“Let me give you my e-mail address,” another mommy said, fumbling for a pen and paper in her purse. “We really should get Punky and Grayson together to play one day.”
“OK!” I beamed. “Sure thing!”
As Punky and I walked to the car, I gazed proudly at the e-mail addresses in my hand. I was in. In! Just like that. I stashed the numbers in a pocket of my bag and drove home, reveling in my victory.
A few days later, I cleaned out the bag and threw the e-mails in the trash.
Don’t give me that look. I told you I’m not a girl’s girl. And I’m damn sure not wearing capris again.
>I’d have to say that over the past ten years I’ve gone from being an extrovert who thrives on groups to being more introverted and less enamored with the group scene. I have actually thrown a party with 40 people and not had a great time even though I knew 100% of the people present.My kids are 7 and 9 now, so the mommy group thing isn’t such a big part of our lives now. Pretty much, their friends come over, but the parents just do a drop and run, which is great.
>I survive mostly by nodding, smiling and making listening noises. I don't say much in real life in groups of 3 or more. I'm shy, putting myself forward is painful. I tend to know about the latest dramas because people tell me about them but I don't add to them & remove myself if I am brought into them. I'm also oblivious to a lot of subtext because I just don't pay enough attention to know that K was being insulted by J when J had K tag the yard sale clothing rather than her usual job of sorting the clothing for the taggers.I prefer listening & a great many people prefer an audience, so it works out IRL. Not so much on the net because people can't see me nodding & smiling but I'm working on it.
>Mom friendships can be hard because everything seems to be done in groups…but I have gone out of my way to set up more “one on one” kind of get-togethers because the dynamics just work better for me. I actually run mom’s groups, but my goal is always to get people to splinter off into close-knit twosomes and threesomes when the group is over, because I think they need that as much as or more than the larger group stuff. So, in groups I tend to hang back and watch people to get a sense for who I might click with the most, then make an attempt to get together with them one-on-one, away from the group. And I try (but sometimes fail) to stay far, far away from committees, because they make me crazy. That’s why I angled for an officer position in my sons’ school’s parent-teacher organization. That way I can decide how often to hold meetings (not very, I just delegate via e-mail).
>Committees! I cringe thinking of the PTA. My local elementary school has like, the most active neighborhood PTA maybe on earth. It will be major BLOG FODDER when Punky starts school in another year, I feel certain.
>there’s nothing like spending two hours on a Wednesday evening discussing what color paper to use in the confetti you’ll use to stuff the teacher’s end-of-year gift bags…
>I can totally relate to your story and I am so glad I am not the only one who feels this way. I feel like me and my girls are always alone while other socialite mommies are chatting about this or that. Sometimes I find myself evily smiling to myself about some inane thing they are talking about but then when they FINALLY include me in the convo, I’m thrilled. And then I kick myself for it later.
>Umm, being as I was kicked out of a mommy group earlier this year I don’t survive mixing with other women very well at all. 🙂
>I wish that blogger let us edit comments, because that didn’t turn out right. I have never done mommy groups for a few reasons…One was that we moved 4 times in 10 years, so by the time I actually made friends, we had to move.Another is that we went through a really rough time when Jake was little and not diagnosed, and sometimes women were just mean and all, “Oh MY kid is doing this too bad YOURS isn’t. ” I had enough on my plate and couldn’t handle that.Groups really aren’t my thing and I become really quiet, usually. Especially since I keep arriving as the new Mom, and the “group” are women who have known each other for years. If they are school Moms, I’ve had some really bad experiences, so I tend to stay away.
>I feel the same way, though I’ve had girlfriends and not guy-friends. I’m shy and I hate going up to people and introducing myself. As I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten better, but I’d still rather sit inside than have awkward conversation with other moms.Want to alienate yourself? Tell another mom you’re going to homeschool when she asks if your kids are going to neighborhood school in the fall. Yikes. I know it’s for the KIDS, but it’s so hard to put myself out there. The kids usually have an easier time of it though, and I’m just along for the ride.You most likely will never catch me dead in a playgroup, though.
>Wow! You already pissed somebody off!That was fast!Elvis 666 obviously has deep unresolved art camp issues…
>I have a 15 month old with Down Syndrome. Other mothers are so misinformed about it that once they ascertain that something is not "typical" about him, they will tell their children not to wave at him because "he's legally blind!" (wtf???… I assure you, he has better vision than I do) or completely avoid making eye contact with me, much less _talking_. I don't think my Mommy & me prospects are very good.
>I hate to hear generalizations about women being bitchy in large groups or just bitchy in general, after all, some of my favorite people are strong, empathetic, wonderful women…but unfortunately the opposite can also be true. I think one big thing to overcome is this belief that, just because two women get knocked up and give birth that we have enough in common to form a relationship.For me, the “we both reproduced” thing just hasn’t provided enough commonality in a small Arkansas town where I’m an “older mommy” at age 30, I don’t go to church, I let my kids know I think it’s okay for them not to always believe what everyone else around them believes, and I have several tattoos. Oh and write “smut” :). I also write young adult fiction under another name, but people tend to think that’s pretty weird too.It’s also not easy when you’re an attractive women. A lot of other women are threatened by that. It sucks since you can’t really control your genes and I find it depressing to go without makeup and live in sweats just to fit in with the crowd.Blechk. Friendships are hard anyway. Who has time with all the work to be done and kids to be raised? My kids have fun playing with each other and the occasional strangers we meet at the park. I don’t go out of my way to make them friends. My mom certainly never did that for me.Anna
>Great article! I completely understand where your coming from and I’m not even a Mommy. (Yet! We’re having fun trying though!!) I’m right there with you “girlfriend”.
>Mmm, I don’t do the playgroup/playdate thing. I have a pretty good excuse since I work full time, and even though my husband is home with our three year old, I don’t try to push him to go to playgroups. I haven’t found a single one that includes dads, for one thing. Our little guy gets lots of interaction with other kids three days a week at preschool. Maybe he’ll get some playdates out of that, but if he doesn’t I don’t feel like he’s lacking in social interaction.I don’t have a lot in common with a lot of the moms I meet. I’m an older mom, not too many of us 48 year olds that have preschoolers, and I also have a 22 year old. I’ve done the single mom thing and now I’m married, I have a career…I have friends but most of them aren’t moms of kids my son’s age.
>I was actually part of a small, low key baby group when my youngest was a baby and it worked for me. I made a couple of very good friends that way. But then there were only 5 of us. When one of the moms got all enthusiastic and started inviting everyone she could and the group expanded… well, let’s just say suddenly I was sitting in the corner wondering why no one was talking to me. Now I realize that you have to put yourself out there in group situations. My problem, I don’t actually feel the drive to do that. Knowing 200 local moms on a superficial level? Would make me look popular but ultimately, is not very fulfilling.
>I’m not much of an extrovert to start out with, and when I’m in a group/party situation I usually end up hanging out w/ my husband and the other guys…they are far more likely to laugh at my jokes.That being said, the women I met and hung out with at BlogHer seemed to be for the most part guy’s girls like me. They laughed at my jokes, at least…and cracked me up, too!
>I’m shy and not-shy at the same time. The shy part shows up at parties. I really, really hate parties, unless I know everyone there. And sometimes not even then. But the rest of the time, I’m fine. I’m a pretty self-confident person, and I do okay with other women.Sometimes I just don’t want to make new friends, though. And sometimes, I just want to be alone. Being alone when you’re a mother is SUCH a luxury.
>I can’t help but ask myself, what’s so bad about capris? Does that make me one of ‘them’?
>Yes. It does. Not to worry, though, because that means that every so often, I’m “one of them” too.
>I just love you er…your wit. The snubbing has to be in part due to your looks- those capris are just not flattering on some post baby bods!
>I dunno. The more I read you, the more I understand that you really look for the absolute worst in situations. I understand that part of being a “writer” is dishing about the funny/kitchy/dark side of life – it’s always funnier to make fun of something.. I get that. I really do. You are reaching out for laughs and, fine, I get it. It just so happens, though, that I knew several of the mothers that were at that exact art camp with you. I say this knowing you are going to lash out with your swooning hand to your forehead and play like you were the victim, because, well, it gets readers to keep reading. But, the reality is that most of the women at that playgroup, it seems with the exception of you, went to really spend some quality time with their kids. Really. They just wanted to do some thing fun with their babies. They didn’t sign up just to be a part of a “group” or to be seen (though it was said to me that you made sure you were lacquered up each day in order to be “seen” and excepted). These are very down to earth women who were probably just as uncomfortable as you. Maybe if you let your guard down and stopped acting like you were someone to be coddled, people might approach you. People might feel like you weren’t putting yourself above all the others. Because, honestly, that is what it sounds like. I know you don’t care. I know you think your perspective on all other mothers is so cool and quippy and clever – but, really, it’s getting old. Really old, Lindsay. And this is coming from some one who gave you a second chance after you came to our playgroup just so you could make fun of us later. I know that it’s hard to get along with other moms and other women in general. Trust me. I know. I’m not a “Green Hills Mom” nor do I wear capris. I actually live a life very contrary to most moms. I do understand that it’s hard. But how, exactly, are you contributing to the positive aspect of any of this? People like you are most of the problem – you go into these situations thinking your better than everyone else and then get pissed off when no one excepts you? How exactly does that work? It’s not easy for anyone. It really isn’t. Most of us are also just trying to be good people, good women and good mothers. Who needs this kind of drama and immaturity scooped on top? Talk about feeling like you’re in high school again. You are perpetuating the very thing you say you hate and avoid.
>I’ll have you know I get lacquered up everywhere I go! Ask anyone who works at Kroger. I am the most lacquered up person maybe in all of Bellevue! You are just jealous of my lacquer!