I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville wife and mother with a passion for family travel, (mostly) healthy cooking, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries with you, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark.
November 21, 2011
On Thursday morning, I held my 4-year-old son as he cried.
“You’re going away?” he kept asking. “Am I going to be left all alone?”
Welcome to my new reality as a working mom who travels, where personal fulfillment comes at a gut-wrenching cost.
“Can’t I come with you?” Bruiser begged after I assured him that at no point would he ever be ‘left all alone.’ “I be very quiet!”
I soothed my son with promises of a toy from Iowa and play time at Miss Laura’s house and fun adventures with Daddy over the weekend.
But my heart, you guys. MY HEART.
And now comes the never-quite-right balancing act that some of you already know all too well, where I attempt to do a job that I love, that I felt morally compelled to take, that is for the GREATER GOOD with …. my kids’ big, sad eyes and tears when I leave.
And yet I have to admit- Bruiser’s tears came as total surprise. I had thought my childcare plans for when I’m away were very nearly foolproof.
For one thing, I’m lucky to have a husband who loves taking care of the kids when I’m away, and they love all the treats and attention that accompany a weekend with just Daddy. I also have a network of trusted friends and teachers in place who are more than happy to take both my children home after school and stay with them until my husband gets home from work. In theory, it’s perfect! The kids are supposed to hardly even notice I’m gone!
So why, then, was my son clinging to my neck and crying?
And why was I, in my heart of hearts, not surprised?
It simply seemed like the karmic cost I have to pay as a mom for landing the perfect job— I can’t feel that old pull of wanting to do what I was trained to do, what I’m good at, without feeling a giant tug in the opposite direction, from the ones I was born to bring into this world.
How do I stay true to my children and to myself?
I have a feeling I’m going to be asking myself this question over and over again for years to come.