>Warning: Self-Absorption, Unhealthy Obsession with My Kids and Annoying Middle Class Angst Ahead
>Here in the suburbs, failing to put your four-year-old child in preschool is right on par with locking her in the car on a 100-degree day and going shopping.
At least that’s what I’ve deduced from the wide-eyed stares, the raised eyebrows, and the stunned “Oh!‘s I’ve gotten after telling people that Punky still stays home with me.
Oh, the guilt I’ve suffered over denying Punky the privilege of attending Dee’s Kuntry Kinder Kare or Little Hands for Jesus Academy with the other kids. While they’ve been learning the Spanish word for “carrot” and making Baby-Moses-in-a-Baskets out of Play-Doh, Punky has been right here under my nose, playing Kingdom of Hearts on our Playstation or collecting rocks on the neighborhood playground or thumbing through an endless array of library books (which I check out each week for entirely selfish reasons: I can’t stand to read the same book over and over and over again).
Oh, for a while I tried the preschool thing here at home with another mom friend. Then Bruiser started crawling and class came to a screeching halt. Activities were all but impossible with a screaming little imp underfoot. This summer, I fearfully consulted a few resources on preschool standards, terrified that I had dropped the ball on Punky’s pre-education and was setting her up for kindergarten failure. I wasn’t. Preschool standards are ridiculously easy- count to ten, recognize shapes, know your alphabet. She met them all, and then some.
But still. The stares. The open mouths. The guilt.
This year, I’m even making enough for us to afford preschool without it being a huge financial burden. But frankly, I’m home, I like having Punky at home, and with that said, preschool seems like a waste of money. I opted instead to sign her up for dance classes, to take her to plenty of social activities with other kids her age, and to buy a kindergarten curriculum so that we could have an hour of “school” every day. I figured we’d work our way through the lessons without pressure, so she’d get a feel for the concepts she’ll be learning next year. We started yesterday.
And it’s not going at all like I’d expected.
The first lesson called for her to take a set of teddy bear “counters” and put them into four groups of three. No big deal, right? Wrong.
“Does it matter what color they are?” she wanted to know.
“Good question,” I said. “No.”
Quickly, she put three teddy bears together. “Good job, Punky!” I said. “Only two groups to go.”
She thought for a moment. “Well, this one doesn’t like groups,” she said, picking up a blue teddy bear. “So he can’t do it.”
“Okay,” I said. “Use the other bears.”
“These two are fighting,” she added, pointing at two more teddy bears. “They’re having an argument about points. He says it takes a lot of points to win the game, and the other teddy bear doesn’t have any.”
“Just put the bears in two more groups of three,” I reminded her with a gritted smile.
“Well, I could put this bear and this bear together. But these bears over here aren’t playing.”
Twenty minutes and endless teddy bear negotiations later, we finally had four groups of three. We moved on to phonics.
“Now you’re going to color all of the bubbles this fish is blowing that make the “aaaa” sound,” I told her, opening her workbook.
“But why does this fish want me to only color the “aaa” sound?” She asked. “Why would this fish want that?”
“Because he likes that sound best of all,” I said. “He likes the ‘aaaa’ sound.”
“But he’s a fish, mommy!” Punky laughed. “Fish can’t talk! Silly mommy!”
“Just. Do. It.” I said.
She frowned, and then colored in all the ‘A’ bubbles on the page.
Wearily, I put my head in my hands. Now I’m imagining her failing kindergarten for entirely different reasons. While the other kids are dutifully completing worksheets and activities, Punky will be woefully behind, stymied over how the dragon feels about his name starting with the letter ‘D’ as opposed to the much more interesting ‘W,’ concerned that the subtraction symbol is angry since he’s so much plainer than the other math symbols.
It’s going to be a lonnnnng year.
>LOL. Great post! Don’t worry about her acting that way for her teachers through. She won’t. I’m a big fan of homeschooling, and as far as I can see, the only real drawback is the way children question their parents more than their “real” teachers. But I guess that could be considered an upside too!
>I think the stares you’re getting are more of a “You’re a braver mom than me” look than anything. I know my share of moms who use preschool as a pressure-relief valve as much as a socialization opportunity for their kids. Don’t worry she’ll get it and in her own way. It sounds like she;s getting plenty of less-structured learning opportunities with you.
>She will do just fine once she goes to school. Kids seem to follow instructions with a “stranger” and in a group setting. I wish I never would have put my daughter in preschool at the ripe old age of 2.5 yrs old. I fell for the hype. I wish I would have saved that money for her education, today. My son will not go to school until he is either 4 or 5 yrs old. It depends on his skills at the age of 4 and if I feel he could pass the test to get into his sister school. He will need to know his ABC’s, count to 100, shapes and write his name. On my side is his Feb birthday which will make him a slightly older 4 or 5 yr old in his class.Good Luck
>I totally homeschool my kids as well as putting them in Preschool, which I refer to as daycare for stay-at-home-moms, because it is. Anyway, our second child will not learn from me. I tried to show her how to hold a pencil, she threw it at me. I tried to count with her, she told me that I count the wrong way in litaland. I tried to play a really fun “hunting for the baby letters to match them with the mommy letters” game. She took all of the baby letters and put them under a cover telling me that, “They are tired and I’m the babysitter.”I hope her teacher/sanity saver has better luck.
>PS: Fuck the stares. I really wanted to home school my kids through the fourth grade. My friends argued I would be sheltering while the home school crowd argued that putting them in in 4th grade was asking for them to be introduced to blow jobs and cocaine. We moms just can’t win.
>Her attitude is perfect! Hope she never loses it.Logic is worthless without imagination.
>I agree with your thoughts on preschool, but I will say that part of the reason people actually pay to put their children in it is so that they don’t have to grit their teeth while doing teddy bear grouping and fish phonics. Let someone else be paid to be tortured like that. And yes, some kids do act that way with their teachers. I know because I taught preschool for a couple of years. It was hell.
>OMG you put more effort into Punky’s pre-education than I did at my kids’ coop preschool where I worked one day a week! I really thought of preschool as a break for all of us. My older got his own space while I had uninterrupted time with my little guy. By the time my little one was in preschool I was desperate for a break from both of them. Do what works for you! I am impressed that you have the energy (and the patience) for both of them at once.
>It’s why I can’t homeschool. There isn’t a valium large enough. (“Nogin: It’s Like Preschool On TV.” That’s my motto.)
>I think it is great that you are keeping her at home. I did put Smith (and Polly) in a church program when they were 9 months. First, one day a week then slowly progressed up to 4 days. I did it so that i could have a break. I did activities at home with Smith. Preschool was just for socializing; I didn’t expect learning from them (although he did learn). Most of what he learned came from home, going to the library, and playing outside in the yard. Punky will be fine. There are plenty of years for her to go to school!
>Part of the reason I bought a curriculum, I have to admit, is so that I wouldn’t feel guilty about working from home.For instance, right now, Punky is playing Shrek on Playstation, but we just spent an hour and a half doing school, so I don’t feel the slightest bit bad about getting a little work in right now and letting her do her own thing!
>I love Punky’s way of thinking! May she never lose it!I love how my kiddos think outside the box even though it is frustrating at times. (lots of times)My kiddos never had preschool and did just fine when they went to school. Preschool is starting to become more popular here and I would see these little three year olds going to class and wonder what they did in their all day. Basically, they sang, played, and colored all day. My kiddos can do that at home. Needless to say, I’m not a fan of preschool but can see where it’s helpful to some parents.
>My kids went to 2 half-days a week of totally play-based preschool. They had fun, I got a few things done. I am fervently anti-organized academics for preschoolers. Why put the stress on the them–it they’re ready they’ll pick it up–if they’re not ready it’s just annoying everyone.I think the most important lesson in preschool (if your kids are going to regular school) is that they learn to follow a routine, go with the flow, follow directions, etc.
>Take your time and enjoy her. There will be time enough for organized education to stomp out every bit of the creativity that she obviously has going for her. BTW, that is a totally awesome photo of you on your masthead.
>Do you really want her to blindly follow directions? Personally I think we already have enough followers in this country. I say, let’s nurture some creativity and individual thought rather than turn out more cookie-cutter kids. I homeschooled my kids from 4th and 7th grades through highschool and my only regret was that we didn’t start sooner. We ended up with two of the most creative, interesting, interestED, non-conformists any parent could hope for. I know you have already said you don’t plan to homeschool but that’s all the more reason to let Punky be Punky now. Make sure she has access to lots of creative objects (dress-up clothes, dolls, art supplies, blocks, etc.), play with her when she asks, talk to her a lot and then leave her alone. If you can locate a copy of “Better Than School” by Nancy Wallace (it’s out of print) read it. It is about an early homeschooling family but aside from that aspect the descriptions of the dramatic and creative activities of the two children will warm your heart and give you lots of ideas for setting up your own home to nurture these attributes. And then ignore the naysayers. As a mother of two adult children who has “been there, done that” I hereby give you permission to raise your children precisely as you and your husband see fit.
>I’m doing an hour of “school” (or less, if she can get through it faster) 4-5 days a week and I think it’s good for Punky to get used to doing a worksheet or two, learn to write, follow directions, and get through lessons she doesn’t necessarily want to do- because all of those things (along with fun things) will happen when she goes to school. If she’s not used to disciplining herself even the tiniest bit, I think that she’ll face unnecessary um, hardship, for lack of a better word, in kindergarten. Also, I want her first year to be fun and easy, so if she’s already familiar with the concepts, I think she’ll have a better time.
>I agree with the other posts. Sounds like your daughter is bright and imaginative – she’ll do fine in Kindergarten – pre-school or no pre-school. I was suprised too when other parents seemed a little stunned that my three year old wasn’t going to pre-school. To me those years were prescious and we only have those few years to enjoy them at home before they are in school full-time so we should cherish that. I did send her to four year old pre-school at the public school (2 1/2 hours day), to get her used to the school routine. She loved, loved, loved it. She can be really timid in new situations and refused to take any type of class, so we felt it would prepare her for Kindergarten, which it did. But I really wouldn’t worry about it.
>HAHAI have that going on over here as well.I have to keep reminding myself that the goal is ultimately not to have her put the teddy bears in groups of 3 but to understand numbers. And next time use rocks. :)Actually, in a few months she’ll have figured out the lesson format and you won’t have those conversations anymore. Mostly.I love the way kids can point out how stupid some things are just by the way they react when they encounter them the first time. Punky is really smart. 🙂
>Hee! This totally reminds me of the ‘interview’ I had when going into kindergarten – I was young for my grade (Dec. baby), and they were very concerned about my maturity, since I’d do things like play under the table in my fort between the tests. I passed my ‘probationary’ period and had a great time in the classes that year. I think that if anything, Punky’s going to be far ahead of everyone since she’s doing the kindergarten stuff now!
>Silly Linday…who ever said that pre-school was for kids? It’s when mommy has coffee with friends, goes to the gym, gets a pap, or shops ALONE. Pre-school is for the momma! As a matter of fact, I’m wishing there was a summer preschool for my 12 and 8 year old…
>Thank you! I have been getting “that look” when I reveal the ultimate wasp no no- gasp- no preschool at age 4. I just can not stand the thought of my creative strong willed albeit WILD son being tamed just yet.
>Ha ha. Well, I’m totally planning on sending Bruiser to mother’s morning out next year when Punky goes to school. He’s not the fragile flower she was at that age- He gets bored easily, he stands up for himself, and he loves playing with other children. He’s a perfect candidate. And I’m about ready for some down time.
>No wonder she is so independent. She’s her mother’s daughter. You have a wonderful column and I always read it. I even send it to my grown children to remind them of times gone by and things to look forward to.
>I tried to do some summer workbooks with my boys & had the same sort of response – "Things that are different still belong Mama" I was told by my 5 year old when he was asked to sort out what is different & doesn't belong in the groups. I don't think I could homeschool.My younger one was not going to go to preschool this year (horrors!!) but did just suddenly get into the afternoon preschool class at the public school. I think all my acquaintances were happier for me than I was. They'd been suggesting schools to me for months even though I was ok with him not going.
>I sent my daughters to pre-school and pre-K for 3 years. They enjoyed it. Pre-K was taught by a retired Kindergarten teacher, with her mother as assistant. They did “too good” of a job; both my daughters were reading and writing before Kindergarten. The downside: around here (West TN), Kindergarten starts back at square one. My girls were quite bored in Kindergarten. If I had it to do over again, I would have just taught them at home and enjoyed having them with me longer.
>heck, she’s not ready for kindergarten. she’s ready for 4th grade. 🙂
>When the guy downstairs from me was in the first grade he went to the boy’s room at school and didn’t come out. The teacher sent another little boy in there to get him. He was calmly sitting on the toilet using two make believe soldiers and doing their voices for them.He’s in Mensa now.
>I think the other parents are not staring at you like you’re a crazy bad parent, but like you’re just crazy. My mom used to say that if I had been homeschooled I probably wouldn’t have lived to see 1st grade. Which is ironic because my 1st grade teacher wanted me to be tested for a gifted program. My mother alternated between thinking it was hilarious and also considering how many more hours a day someone else would have to deal with me…
>Sounds like they should all be leaving their kids with you! Don;t worry, I won’t tell.
>I think Punky and I are twins. When I was ‘assessed’ to see if I was ready for kindergarten and I didn’t know an answer, I said “I’d rather know how you would do it.” Needless to say I spent another year in preschool. Good for Punky for thinking out of the box… It will serve her well!
>I think it’s wonderful she thinks about things that way. She’s using her imagination. And besides–in the end, she knew how to group the bears. It doesn’t even sound like it was that hard for her. I can see how it would be irritating when you just want to get through the table work and move on, though.I am planning to homeschool my daughter. After the way my schools completely disregarded my learning style and I was distracted by mean teachers and children, I feel I could have learned a lot more at home.Oh, and the illnesses kids pick up at daycare. That part sucks too.
>I have 6 kids, 3 went to preschool and 3 did not. My oldest is 22 and not everyone went to preschool then. My 2nd, 3rd, and 4th went to preschool. My 5th and 6th are twins, and I could not afford preschool for 2 kids. Our public school had a 4K program that was free. I had them screened, and one got in while the other was wait-listed because she was not as “needy”. I was not going to send only one, so I kept them home. They are in 3rd grade now and doing well in school. Looking back, the biggest advantage I see to preschool is that this busy stay-at-home mom got a break a few mornings a week while the kids did something fun. I don’t believe it gave them any educational advantage. Education begins at home.
>That is one smart cookie! Here, we don’t even have preschool unless your kid is behind or needs “special attention.”
>HAHA! I like Punky’s way of thinking. She sounds like she has it all figured out.I agree with the pp that said preschool is mostly for Mommy. Sure, it’s fun for them but really it’s much more fun for Mommy. Both of my older two went but only because I needed them to so I could get some work accomplished. Most everything they “learned” there they already knew when they got there.
>Congratulations– you have obviously given birth to a budding songwriter. Or a therapist. Either way she’s in the right town for it, so you got that going for you.I know it all depends on the kid blah blah blah, but I think a 4 year old can benefit much more from family time than school time. She’s got plenty of years of formal education ahead of her, but laid-back time spent hanging with her mom and her siblings? Priceless.
>She’s better questioning everything anyway. Are there not complaints at the minute that students aren’t really learning anything but the answers to exam questions.Plus if she questions everything, she’ll always stand up for herself.
>I loved your post.My daughter will be starting at one of the private schools in town. I have yet to meet a parent at the school whose child didn’t attend a preschool of some form and for some period of time (be it all day every day, or half days twice a week). It’s probably the crowd I run around in. The kids in my children’s preschool that will be attending a metro school will all have a preschool education (duh). I think the reaction is due to the fact that in my zone in Nashville, 52% of high school students go to private school (Metro Data), therefore, at least that percentage will attend private elementary schools. The Bellevue data is probably up there (but not as high). By and large the kids of upper middle class parents (on up) have some sort of preschooling going in. It’s just what folks do down here.Punky will be fine when she attends kindergarten, especially if she attends the excellent school she is probably zoned for. If she attends a private institution, she will probably teach them a thing or two about interpersonal relationships between sorting objects.
>Oh, I so could not homeschool. I think my husband woiuld frown upon me having a morning glass of chardonnay.And who could blame him? It would get too expensive.
>See? You’ll never need those little happy pills — you have your own in-house shrink! Good for her!
>Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this. I have been feeling like there is a cult of pro-preschool moms out there and somehow I have avoided the brain-washing. I guess I don’t have a problem with preschool per se, but I just don’t think that every child needs or has to go to preschool. They have 13 plus years of structured education ahead of them, why start early? I love my little boys and I want to spend as much time with them as possible (especially while they still like me 🙂 By the way, I did not go to preschool, my mom just worked with me at home, and when I went to kindergarten, I already knew how to read, and was more advanced than most of the kids in my class and so they did not know what to do with me, I spent much of my time teaching the other kids in my class how to read and then they just let me watch movies my myself the rest of the time. By them time I reached third grade, my parents had enough and I was homeschooled through twelveth grade. Boy, I had more to say than I thought! Thanks!
>We’re toying with the “pre-school” thing with our 3 year old. I’ve got him doing worksheets and such like you do – and he over thinks everything. I think our kids are just too SMART for pre-school, lol!
>Punky’s already ahead of the public education curve. And she’s right: why would a fish just say “aaaaaa”, if they talk at all? Does “a” in fish mean the same thing as in human? Punky is onto something.But you best be ready: you’ve got some years of tough, poignant questions from Punky coming up 😉
>I disagree that daycare/pre-school is just a way for moms to get a break. That may be true for some moms (and there’s nothing wrong with that) but as a former pre-school teacher, I can say that there is an obvious behavioral difference between kids who start preschool at age 3 or 4 and those who have been in preschool for longer – the ones who had been there for a while were more comfortable with rules and got along better with the other kids as a result. Kids socialize differently in a structured environment than they do in a casual environment like a play-date or the park. I had kids in my class who did very well with other kids in groups outside of pre-school, who had a lot of behavioral issues (hitting, biting, etc.) when faced with socializing in the structured environment.This is all in a general sense, of course… because every child is different, and you can never really know until you try it.
>Brianna brings up an interesting point, while also noting that each child is different. Next year after Punky’s been in Kindergarten for a while and you’ve had a conference with the teacher, I’d love for you to come back and revisit the whole preschool thing. Are there things she might have learned in preschool that you think she didn’t? Or perhaps there is no discernable difference, in the teacher’s opinion?
>What’s interesting is that on the news not long ago, there was a new study on kindergartners showing that kids who attended preschool were neither ahead academically or socially of kids who did not attend preschool. It made news because it had always been thought before this study that kids who had attended preschool would socialize better than kids who stayed at home until K. But the study showed no impact whatsoever. It made me feel a little better, too. 🙂
>You’re a beaut, Lucinda!!
>I think it’s pretty safe to say that with THAT conversation setting the bar, that child is going to have NO problems ruling her school. Keep her thinking outside the box because using her brain is the most important thing you can give her. My 4 y.o. went to preschool mid year and was disgusted because they “expected” her to color things in a specific order. Me too.
>She’ll be fine. Just think, the qualities that are making your home lessons a little, err challenging, will serve her really well as an adult.
>I have a masters in education and am a certified 1-6 teacher. There’s no way we’re shelling out the equivalent of a vacation to London to put our daughter in pre-school when the time comes. From personal experience, the only thing kids who didn’t go to pre-school encounter in K is some struggle with the concept of lining up and staying seating when you’re supposed to…but that settles down within a month or so. No big at all.The whole “curriculum” thing? Eh. You could try playing “store” with her, doing the whole “what does a say?” schtick and she’ll get as much or more out of it. Plenty of time for her to learn how to fill in worksheets later if they’re not her speed now.
>She is too funny. Very clever and witty, you’re in trouble.We actually have a Kuntry Kinder Kare here and a ‘little red barn day care’It’s mortifying. The pressure is here too and although I have her enrolled in a 2 day a week preschool, it’s for my sanity and I love it because it’s laid back and no competition from ‘those’ mommies.Thanks for the laughs.
>I’m usually a lurker here. However, I’ve worked as an early childhood educator for 12 years now, so I feel I can say with some assurance: Don’t worry about it.Preschool is nice and can be invaluable in some situations…but Punky lives in an enriched environment. If you want some professional advice, ditch the worksheets and keep reading to her, go for walks, give her crayons and paper and let her draw. Play with legos or other blocks. Go to playgrounds. All these things cover pre-reading, pre-math, small motor and gross motor skills. As well as promoting problem-solving, reasoning and logical thinking.If she really likes worksheets, go ahead. If she doesn’t, ditch them. She’s doing great and you’re doing a great job.
>Pressure here is nothing like NYC.If your child doesn’t get into the 92nd Street YMCA for preschool, FORGET Ivy Preparatory League private schools.Collegiate School in ManhattanDalton School in ManhattanFieldston School in Riverdale, BronxHackley School in Tarrytown, New YorkHorace Mann School in Riverdale, BronxPoly Prep Country Day School in Bay Ridge, BrooklynRiverdale Country School in Riverdale, BronxSt. Luke’s School in New Canaan, ConnecticutTrinity School in ManhattanThat’s stress.
>Is there a post somewhere that tells how she became “Punky”? One of my friends says her favorite part about being a mommy is rediscovering the world through new eyes. Her experiences are partially what led me to decide to go to mommyville. She has 3 kiddos and is a SAHM. I’ll bet she has mediated lots of bear disagreements too. Great post!
>This is a great post. Don’t worry about kindergarten- she’ll do fine! I love that she had to figure out how all the little bears could get along in groups- that’s some serious problem solving skills! Do some research into child development and you will find that the under-seven (esp.under five) year olds live in their imagination- in their heart place. This is nourished by staying home with a caring family unit, and VERY HEALTHY. For math, try using manipulatives that cannot have their “own opinion”, like pebbles or cleaned peach pits or something else that is interesting in a tactile way. No matter what, you are doing a great job that should be commended.
>She sounds very intelligent. She actually asks questions about things that seem silly.
>She sounds very intelligent. She actually asks questions about things that seem silly.
>I’ve been thinking about this post since I read it. I had so much to say at first that I didn’t say anything. Then, tonight, as I was reading more current posts I remembered something.True story. There was a little boy and girl and their mom was a sahm. Previously she worked and the kids were in preschool. The boy was old enough to remember. The little girl was whining about not having enough money to buy something she wanted and “why don’t you go to work, mom?”, etc. The little boy said something to the effect of, “no, you don’t remember what it was like, all day long all we did was wait for mom to come back and get us.” Really, at this age, all kids want is to be with their mom or at least know their mom is near and accessible. I was a preschool teacher. I really don’t believe in preschool.
>You know what’s odd…? A friend that works at a Montessori school here in Music City swears that Punky goes to the preschool there.I thought that seemed a little out of character for your writing. Although it would make for some awesome adventures for us to read.
>I totally agree with you, Carol. I went to a really good preschool when I was little (meaning that the teachers LOVED children and we felt it) and I went to a not-so-good “aftercare” program. I loved my preschool, but I remember really missing my mom- At the aftercare program, I literally sat at the playground fence for hours, waiting for her to come back. It makes me sad just thinking about that now.And Michelle, that is funny! Maybe she’s confusing Punky with another newscaster’s kid. I love montessori- just can’t afford it. 🙂
>Who knows you may just decide to home school…
>Honestly, preschool was mostly a break for me. I loved having those four precious, kid-free hours in the morning to shop, go to Dr.’s appt’s, clean, do yard work, work out at the gym or just lounge around in a deliciously quiet house. I don’t think, academically, kids need preschool. But my kids loved it, I loved it, so it worked out great for us. We don’t know many other families with kids so it was a good opportunity for them to socialize with other kids.