January 5, 2007 posted by Lindsay

What Not to Wear, *UPDATED*

I’m afraid of having a boy.

There are many reasons, from the decision over whether or not to have him circumcised (personally, I lean toward no, but every male in my family is all, Are you kidding?! If you don’t have him circumcised, he will hate you forever!) to the old, eternal question of, “What the hell am I going to do with a boy?” Because around here, it is all Disney Princesses all the time. I don’t know that there’s room for, say, a train table or Hot Wheelz track amid the current decorating scheme of pink sequins, tiaras and maribou that’s somehow managed to infest nearly every room in this house.

Today, though, I’m stressing over something altogether different: his attire. I’ve already bought Boy’s entire newborn wardrobe, flipping past the blue nightgowns (I will eat raw chicken livers before allowing my son to wear a nightgown!) and choosing instead the more masculine sleepers bearing puppy dogs, frogs and fire trucks.

That was easy enough. But then, the Easter catalogue arrived. It’s the catalog I’ve used for nearly every one of Baby’s Easter and Christmas dresses and I was excited to see what they had to offer for boys. Was excited. Was.

Now, I’m just depressed.

Because first of all, smocking on boys’ clothes is definitely not okay. Smocking is a girl thing, all right? Sure, this kid is smiling now, but one day in the not-so-distant future, he’ll be the first one to get a bloody nose in dodgeball.

The only thing worse than smocking on a boy’s shirt is smocking on a boy’s bubble. Boy’s bubbles should be outlawed by the International Fashion Legislature. Buy your son a hand smocked bubble and you’re practically guaranteed extensive therapy bills for years to come.

Why do people ever think that madras is a good idea? It’s supposed to scream, “Money!” but to me, it simply screams, “Butt ugly!” I just want to cry, knowing that across the US, little boys will be forced to wear this outfit all summer long. I am considering setting up a Madras Survivors Network online for former madras victims, so if anyone’s interested, send me a note- or at least, a picture.

A couple more rules of thumb: big collars on boys are always a bad idea. And monogramming is the kiss of death, unless you’re embroidering a big “L” for LOSER. Mark my words, a boy dressed like this today…


…will end up looking like this before you can say, “grosgrain.”

Folks, the fashion situation is looking pretty damn bleak as far as my son is concerned. And here you all kept promising me that boys were supposed to be so much easier than girls…

It seems that TEAM SMOCKING has developed in the wake of this post- a group of women defending the rights of young boys to wear smocked shirts and collars. I guess that makes me TEAM OVERALLS. It’s time to decide, ladies! Whose side are you on? This debate has the potential to knock the whole circumcision thing right out of the water.