I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
A Stepmom is Not a Mom, and That’s Okay
October 10, 2014
A blog post I wrote called 10 Brutal Truths About Being a Stepmom ran in the Huffington Post recently, and while the vast majority of the e-mails and comments I’ve received as a result have been positive, not everyone was happy with the post.
One of my Truths in particular raised the hackles of some stepmoms, especially those who were new to the role or were step-parenting kids who hadn’t yet reached puberty. Their anger didn’t surprise me. In fact, I would have been just as irritated if I had read my post back when I was a new stepmom. And maybe that’s why I put this particular Truth first on my list:
You are not their mom.
Here’s a sampling of some of the irate responses I got:
“If what you were saying was true about being their mother, then there would never be a successful bond between a child and it’s adoptive parents! Sooooo way off base, totally wrong!”
“Wrong! My step kids are my kids and i am mom and will be mom just as i am to my others.”
” I didn’t give birth to them, but they know the MOM they can count on to always be there!”
“I stopped at number 1. Total crap. If you can’t be the parent in your own home, there’s something wrong. I have two stepkids, have been a stepmother longer than I’ve been a mother. yes, they have a mom. but they are also my kids.”
Whoa, ladies. Simmer down now.
Since I now have a few thousand new stepmom readers via Facebook who’ve been clamoring for commiseration and advice, I thought it would be good idea to talk more about this Truth and why it tends to make some stepmothers foam at the mouth. Even if you disagree with me, I think it’s worth listening to what I have to say– because I spent a lot of wasted years trying to be Mom after my stepdaughters’ mother moved away, and I had to learn the hard way that my focus was completely off-base.
Here’s what I’ve learned from the 12-year (and counting!) roller coaster ride that has been my stepparenting experience:
When I say to stepmoms that you are not your stepkids’ mother, I don’t mean that you shouldn’t show your stepchildren the same love and care that you would show your own children. I don’t mean that they shouldn’t think of you as their mom- or call you mom- if they want to. I don’t mean that you can’t love your stepchildren with all your heart– in fact, I hope that you do!
But I’ve noticed that many stepmoms out there, particularly new ones, are fixated on earning Bonus Mom or Better-Than-Mom status. I know this in part because I was one of them. And I’m here to tell you that making that your goal- your proof that you’re DOING IT RIGHT- is a big mistake.
Anyone whose own parents have split up knows that divorce and all that results from it is really, really hard on kids, and it affects their entire childhood (and beyond). I’ve dealt periodically with the fallout from my own parents’ divorce my entire life, and I know I’m far from alone.
A kid whose parents have split will have some difficult feelings to sort out about both parents as the years go by– and once that kid reaches puberty, many of the toughest feelings about the divorce, the aftermath, and his parents’ roles in it, begin to surface in some really awkward and painful ways.
Two years into my marriage, my stepdaughters’ mother moved two states away and they came to live with us full time. I was determined to be their replacement mom– to make sure that they felt as little pain or anguish over their mom’s move as possible. I killed myself trying to mother them to the very best of my ability, and since I really did have the very best of intentions, I just KNEW I was doing the right thing. Looking back, though, I didn’t take into account that I could never hope to have made up for their mother’s absence, nor could I have prevented them from experiencing the anger and grief in the aftermath.
It also didn’t occur to me that with all they were going through with their own mother, perhaps the last thing they needed was another woman trying to assume the role. I mean, yuck. What was I thinking?
Years passed before I realized that what my stepdaughters really needed was for me to be the best ME to them that I could be. Because really, stepmoms- What does it matter whether your stepkids think of you as a mom or not, as long as you have earned their love and respect and are a positive, caring influence in their lives? When you think about it, the Mom label is purely an ego thing– It has nothing to do with the quality of your relationship with your stepchildren. You could easily end up being the most trusted, best-loved, and most influential person in your stepkids’ lives when it’s all said and done, whether they think of you as a second (or first) mom or not.
Does this make sense?
So if your stepchild wants to call you mom or tells you that he or she thinks of you as a mother, consider it to be a blessing. But if he doesn’t, don’t beat yourself up about it. Maybe you’ll fill the role of Most Trusted Advisor or Best Listener or Number One Role Model. (Don’t laugh, stepmoms. It could totally happen.)
But you are not your stepchild’s mom. And you never will be.
And that is totally okay.
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Header image via Michael Coghlan/Flickr Creative Commons
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Lindsay I can’t even begin to explain to you how much this post, along with all your others about step-mothers, means to me. I have been going through complete hell for about the past 12-13 years since my ex started a relationship and eventually married someone. This woman from the beginning wanted to be called Mom. She has always posted things on Facebook about “her daughter” being so wonderful and so beautiful. My daughter went to live with them 4 years ago. That’s when it got so much worse. Turning her against her “biological mother” (that’s what they refer to me as on Facebook, was their number one goal. My daughter is turning 19 in December and just recently moved into her own apartment and is going to college. I don’t see an end to this ever. I wish somehow this post could reach her step-mother. Although I don’t think that would change anything. It crushes me as a mother. Every time I see something it sends me into a horrible depression. I hope step-mothers everywhere take your advice. Thank you for being so amazing.
I’m so sorry. I really wish that divorced parents and their new spouses could all work together and get along for the sake of the children involved- but I know that that’s rarely the reality. I can honestly say that I have never said one negative word to my stepdaughters about their mom, and today, even as I think of all the things I would go back and change if I could, I’m pretty proud about that! 🙂
I have never tried to take the place of my step daughter’s mom but, I do feel like she is our child to raise along with her mom. Fortunately we all get along which makes a huge difference. I will say that I don’t care for the term step anything. It’s as if you’re less than which couldn’t be further from the truth. So for us, I’m simply Kelly and she is our daughter who also has a mom. People have asked different things at times and I’ve explained that she is my husband’s daughter from his first marriage but we prefer to just simply be a family. I’m not a step, a bonus or anything beyond “her Kelly” and I’m the lucky one. She has always been uncomfortable with people pointing out that she isn’t mine and will tell people that I’m her mom if they ask rather than get into the details.
I had the same experience, Kelly- When people believed I was my stepdaughters’ mom, they generally didn’t correct them, and I simply called them ‘my girls’ when I referred to them because ‘stepdaughters’ just seemed— blech. I totally agree that stepparents are taking part in raising their stepkids, in a very significant way. I just think that ‘mom’ is a vanity label that stepmoms shouldn’t be striving for.
Lindsay, you are spot on. I have been a stepmom for 11 years now, and am now a stepgrandma and I know that I am never truly hold either “office.” My position with either title is honorary at best.
The girls have a mom. On any given day, I am a coach, motivational speaker, truth-teller, comic sidekick, comforter, big sister, aunt, teacher… even an annoying voice in the back of their heads. But one thing I’ll never be is their mom.
I started my adventure of stepmom-dom knowing that I needed to honor their mom. Even if I disagreed or thought she was completely off her rocker… I chose to do my level best to honor their mom, both the person and the position.
I didn’t give birth to my girls. I didn’t ever bear kids of my own. In my heart, these are the only children I will ever have. But that’s the extent of what I can offer… my heart. We have an AWESOME relationship and love each other dearly.
I don’t need the title of mom. I’m good.
Awesome perspective. Thanks for sharing!
You are absolutely totally completely correct. Being a stepmother has at tines been the most soul destroying relationship I have ever experienced.
Even in the best of circumstances, it is definitely WAY more difficult than I think any of us realized it would be!
Children should never be placed in a position to have to choose who their parentals should be. They should feel respect and love and honor about the other parent. As a step parent you can honor their other parent and respect your partners past by doing your best to hold that child up higher than any battle to win. They are not a trophy. Unfortunately, over the years of belonging to the stepparent realm, I have seen many “steps” try to fill shoes that aren’t theirs to fill because of the bad mouthing and trashing of the ex. You can love your partners child without stepping on toes and without winning the war.. Its more about a life long journey….. a side note about the name of mom or dad… a step kid being forced to call a step parent mom or dad is wrong. Its good if they choose. Second marriages often end in divorce and that lose of another mom or dad is super hard.
I am always surprised at the number of stepmoms I hear/read bashing their husband’s ex. It just seems like an obviously good idea to keep that shit to yourself- particularly when there are kids involved.
I won’t say that I never ever bashed my oldest’s mom, but I was always very careful to do it where she couldn’t hear/read it, and only to one or two trusted friends. You have to be able to vent sometimes, but my need to vent should never trump her need to see me respect her mother.
I’ve approached step-parenting as a bonus adult to love her. I’m not her mother, and I will never be, but I am her mama and always will be. (and for the record, she’s about to turn 21 and I’ve been her mama for 18 years. We still have a strong relationship that has had to weather some rough patches.)
I thought your HuffPo piece was thoroughly thought out and well-written! Don’t worry about the haters; I’m sure all the stepmoms here reading are doing so because they’ve found a teammate in you =)
Thank you! I knew I’d ruffle some feathers with that post- It got a very interesting discussion going in the comments, so that was good.
I’m in my second marriage, and my second round as a stepmom. This time, stepmothering is going SO MUCH BETTER, and one of the major reasons?
Not trying to be my stepkid’s mom.
I just am what I am as well as I can be, and that seems to work for both of us. We gradually found our own unique footing with each other, and her with my kids too. It certainly wasn’t easy, but at least it was natural and, most important, WORKED.
Trying to be mom wouldn’t have.
And understand that my “not being mom” still involves advice about boys and lady issues, clothes shopping, and lots of things you can do with your mom. Cooking for her, running out to get special food when she’s sick, thinking up great Christmas presents, stuffing her stocking, filling her Easter basket, throwing her birthday parties. (These are all things her dad *can* do, but I *love* to do, so he lets me.)
But we’ve never had a mom-type relationship, and I don’t think we will. And we like it!
And should my earlier stepdaughter be googling and run across this – she *is* old enough – this is in no way commentary on you. I wish I hadn’t made my worst stepmothering mistakes with you, and though I’m not your mom, I would have been privileged to have been so.
Great advice! Thanks for sharing.
The conclusions people jump to after reading one line of something never cease to amuse me. Read the whole article, consider the author’s backstory if you have any questions, and then think before hitting those computer keys. Sheesh. America is so freakin’ defensive these days. You can’t say anything without people wailing and pulling out their hair in anguish.
True! I understand that people might not agree with what I have to say- What I never understand is why people have to get so ANGRY about the fact that they disagree.
Slow clap.
Absolutely true. I’ve been a step mother for 30 years and this was the single most difficult to learn and important to know thing that I learned in those early days. They don’t want a second mother but if you work at it they can be happy to accept another caring adult into their lives.
This can be achieved if you give up the Brady Bunch fantasy and just work at being the you who has decided to be a part of these children’s lives to the best of your ability. It also helps to accept ahead of time the certainty that some of what you do will be an epic fail.
My excellent relationship with my husbands (now adult) children was hard won and succeeded mostly because we both came to realize that I never wanted to BE their mother.
YES. 🙂
Loved this! Another huge one people don’t realize is never speak negative about the real mom. Even if she isn’t around, helping or awful that is that child’s mom no matter what. My stepson would say things he heard ( she wasn’t in the pic) and I would tell him I don’t know her but we can pray thing are going well for her.
Very long story made short……my fiancée has two kids, a 10 yr old girl and a 14 yr old boy- started off great, all got along. Until their mother got ticked because they liked me and she has gone to extreme measures to poison their mind and has told them lies about me. Even to the extreme of taking the kids to be interviewed by a judge and the kids telling him they didn’t want to be around me. This didn’t happen but makes it so hard to be around them now. I actually avoid them when they visit. It’s making it very tough on our relationship though. Advice? This is very shortened version…..
Amen! After 5.5 years of this, from day one i have told my step children they have a mom and i am just an extra person to love them, after 3.5 years they started calling me mom by choice. I have always said, because i have always tried to put myself in a Mothers shoes as i did not have any children entering the relationship, would i want my biochild calling another woman mom or having another woman raise my child? I will NEVER try and take the MOTHERS place but I will always be the BEST parent/stepparent/PERSON (ME) i can be because when the kids grow up and see i always put fourth 100% towards collaborative coparenting with their mother and ALWAYS stayed level even when things may have gotten out of hand, then I did my job and showed this children how to parentģcoparent with grace confidence and dignity. I have showed them unconditional love and I have shown them that through anything your character is important. My setpchildren will grow up to be better people over all because they had someone in their life to be a positive role model. I love them equally to my own children as i am now a mother but i will always vow to NEVER take their moms place but to be the best ME i can be! Thank you for sharing your story i believe at least 50% of step parents need to focus on being the best THEM they can be and not focus on being better as the child will be the one effected. Do it for love not out of spite.
Stepmom ten years, and I know your point well. Yet, I still beg to differ in some ways and even deep down. I will never be their mom mom, but I have been “a” mom to them, whether they see it that way or not (they do). I can’t leave my worth, actions, love, and my entire family’s dedication to them as their own grandchildren and nieces in their mom or even their terms. Everyone, now, recognizes me as one of their moms, just as many stepdads are surrogate dads. We don’t even have this debate for men as stepdads, a continuing double standard. As a foster parent, I am a mom. As an adoptive parent, I will be a mom. The comparison is accurate albeit imperfet. Further, my parents are my stepdaughters’ grandparents. My husband’s stepdad was a parent, and was his functional dad. I can’t see how we can accept these relationships but not only for our particular role.
Your point can be taken well regarding “trying too hard to replace” their mom, but at the core, I am my stepdaughter’s other mother, title or not.
I’m a stepmom, and I agree with you. My husband’s ex has been so competitive and has assumed that I was the same, yet I never wanted to take her place. I just love the kids the best I can and do what I think is best for them. It’s not a popularity contest. I take them to the library and on nature walks and stuff… not to Disneyland.
When I try to get them to eat whole food instead of junk, it is not a criticism of whatever their mom feeds them. I just like that (a) they behave better and (b) they will be healthier grownups if they learn to like a few healthier foods.
When the kids have questioned my right to tell them what to do (or what not to do), I tell them it takes a village to raise a kid, and I’m part of their village. I’m one of the grownups who loves them and helps take care of them. They accept that pretty easily.
now that you bring it up i don’t really want to be their mom (i started reading this thinking i would be insulted but am not). she walked out on them. i NEVER will do that. she misses everything in their lives as she moved half way across the country to live with a guy. i don’t like that i am not at every dance class or taekwondo practice. my kids live with me and my husband most of the year. when he is deployed i have them. none really call me mom and have never been told to. they describe me as mom to others because that is easiest for them. we have a great relationship and i hope they parent like me in the future but honestly, if they consider a mom to be like theirs i am not sure i ever want to be that…
now that you bring it up i don’t really want to be their mom (i started reading this thinking i would be insulted but am not). she walked out on them. i NEVER will do that. she misses everything in their lives as she moved half way across the country to live with a guy. i don’t like that i am not at every dance class or taekwondo practice. my kids live with me and my husband most of the year. when he is deployed i have them. none really call me mom and have never been told to. they describe me as mom to others because that is easiest for them. we have a great relationship and i hope they parent like me in the future but honestly, if they consider a mom to be like theirs i am not sure i ever want to be that…
Thank you so much!!!!! I’ve never been a step mom, but I’ve had two step moms and you will nvr be their mother! But it does it mean you can’t love them w all your heart and play a very special roll in their lives! But, I totally agree It is an ego thing! My four year old goes to her dads & he’s now remarried. (She’s actually my granddaughter… My oldest daughters baby girl & she’s no longer in the picture at all) but I’ve had her almost her entire life even when her parents were together. She’s called me momma from a very young age even knowing I was her grandma. I have complete custody of her & her father gets her the first, third and fifth weekend of every month…. He has no other rights at all. He pays no child support or insurance he only has the visitations. Not only that he has no rights concerning her school, religion or anything else. It’s very different than most custody cases. But the problem I have us he’s newly married to a woman w three kids and she tells her to call myself & my husband grandma & grandpa and them momma and daddy. And before she was ever in the picture we all agreed to allow he to call me momma. She tells me you are my mom, you take care of me. But they still reinforce to her we r the grandparents. She tells me it’s awkward when they say ur. And she informed her she has to call “her” mommy… I think that is so not get place! If she wants to call her mommy…., then that would be ok w me…. But she’s repeatedly told me she does not want to. Also, she is very strict. We have no problem w her every once in awhile if she’s super tired she gets cranky…. And we may have to spank her or get on to her nut for the most part she’s highly intelligent and she is a very good kid. She’s very mature for her age. The stepmother has told me she runs her house like a drill Sargent and I am ok w it but she slapped her in the face at only three yrs old. I was very, upset by it! And she whipped her for puking at three! Totally blew my mind! Y would you whip a baby doing something she totally couldn’t control??? Who does that!?! But it was at their house and I couldn’t control it. Then just a few mid ago one of them and we think it was him… Bc that’s what my daughter told me pulled her pants down and whipped her w a wooden door and left a huge bruise on her bottom! I totally lost my religion! But I did not talk to him cause I was to upset and afraid I’d let my anger control how I spoke to him so my husband did and he lied and said idk what happened maybe she fell down. Ya right into a wooden spoon sticks out of your hand!!!! It was the perfect circle and matched perfectly with the shape of a wooden spoon! Now don’t get me wrong I whipped my kids but the law in our state is that u cannot use anything but ur hand! And then u cannot leave marks. Yes my lawyer has the pics. But in the mean time we have to pray nothing else happens….
Thank you so much!!!!! I’ve never been a step mom, but I’ve had two step moms and you will nvr be their mother! But it does it mean you can’t love them w all your heart and play a very special roll in their lives! But, I totally agree It is an ego thing! My four year old goes to her dads & he’s now remarried. (She’s actually my granddaughter… My oldest daughters baby girl & she’s no longer in the picture at all) but I’ve had her almost her entire life even when her parents were together. She’s called me momma from a very young age even knowing I was her grandma. I have complete custody of her & her father gets her the first, third and fifth weekend of every month…. He has no other rights at all. He pays no child support or insurance he only has the visitations. Not only that he has no rights concerning her school, religion or anything else. It’s very different than most custody cases. But the problem I have us he’s newly married to a woman w three kids and she tells her to call myself & my husband grandma & grandpa and them momma and daddy. And before she was ever in the picture we all agreed to allow he to call me momma. She tells me you are my mom, you take care of me. But they still reinforce to her we r the grandparents. She tells me it’s awkward when they say ur. And she informed her she has to call “her” mommy… I think that is so not get place! If she wants to call her mommy…., then that would be ok w me…. But she’s repeatedly told me she does not want to. Also, she is very strict. We have no problem w her every once in awhile if she’s super tired she gets cranky…. And we may have to spank her or get on to her nut for the most part she’s highly intelligent and she is a very good kid. She’s very mature for her age. The stepmother has told me she runs her house like a drill Sargent and I am ok w it but she slapped her in the face at only three yrs old. I was very, upset by it! And she whipped her for puking at three! Totally blew my mind! Y would you whip a baby doing something she totally couldn’t control??? Who does that!?! But it was at their house and I couldn’t control it. Then just a few mid ago one of them and we think it was him… Bc that’s what my daughter told me pulled her pants down and whipped her w a wooden door and left a huge bruise on her bottom! I totally lost my religion! But I did not talk to him cause I was to upset and afraid I’d let my anger control how I spoke to him so my husband did and he lied and said idk what happened maybe she fell down. Ya right into a wooden spoon sticks out of your hand!!!! It was the perfect circle and matched perfectly with the shape of a wooden spoon! Now don’t get me wrong I whipped my kids but the law in our state is that u cannot use anything but ur hand! And then u cannot leave marks. Yes my lawyer has the pics. But in the mean time we have to pray nothing else happens….