Fall 2014: The Year Fashion Smoked Crack
Dear Fashion Designers, Editors, Arbiters, et al.,
We are entering your Most Wonderful Time of the Year– that season known as Fall, when temperatures start to drop and women suddenly want to wear more than an old t-shirt and gym shorts, when fashion magazines weigh more than a newborn child, and when Nordstrom and Saks and Bloomingdales fill to overflowing with everything that YOU say we should all be wearing this fall.
I was as excited as any Vogue magazine subscription holder to see what you would deem Fashionable this fall. I had soooo many questions. Would leopard print stage a(nother) comeback? Would leggings finally go away? Would dead sexy footwear be all the rage? Could we all, please God, dress like Betty Draper again in Season One of Mad Men?!
Well, I have done a little investigating on behalf of my glorious and oh-so-fashionable readership and discovered that the answer to all of my questions is No. No, no, no, and no.
Big. Fat. NO.
Want to know what you SHOULDN’T be wearing this season, ladies? Here’s the short answer: Anything that’s a) flattering, b) sexy, or c) attractive.
Let me put it plainly. FALL 2014 FASHION IS ON SOMETHING. Something thats illegal even in Colorado. And it shows no signs of coming down any time soon.
Witness my findings:
Source: JCrew
I don’t really even know what to call these $248 pants. Capri-lottes? Car-lazzos? Even the model is all I don’t get paid enough to wear this shiz. Whatever they’re called, they are everywhere this fall, ladies, and we are supposed to wear them.
Source: Zara
According to Zara’s fall lookbook, we should all go TOTAL PRINT this fall.
And we should accessorize the look with a loincloth.
Expect emergency room reports of bleeding eyes to skyrocket.
Source: Madewell
Madewell has debuted this bold new ensemble for fall.
Madewell drew its inspiration this season from my seventh grade yearbook.
Source: DKNY
Some of you are going to be thrilled about this new trend… This fall, you can throw on your husband’s sweatshirt and be at the very FOREFRONT of FASHUN.
Expect to see this super-chic style at car rider drop-off lines nationwide.
Source: Celine
I can’t wait to wear this HOT FALL FASHION out on my next date night! I can’t decide what my husband will love most about this look– the clashing prints? The trouser socks? The strait-jacket-shrug?
All I know is that it will definitely be an evening to remember!
Source: The Row
Great news, biznesswomen! This fall, chunky knits are the new power suit!
Wear this to work and you will be promoted to partner! I guarantee it!
Source: Chanel
I think I can guess the names of Karl Lagerfeld’s muses for his Chanel Fall 2014 collection:
Mr. Tumble, Pinwheelio, Noodles P. Noodles, and Bonzo.
Source: Dries Van Noten
Prints continue to dominate the runway this faaaa… I am getting very sleeeeeepy. My eyeeeeees are getting heavy… so heavy I can’t holllllld them up….
Source: JCrew
In honor of FALL, I just wrote a new drinking song:
Puffer vests are back! Yay! Puffer vests are back!
Now we can all look TWICE as fat!
Puffer vests are back!
Source: Proenza Schouler
Proenza Schouler hired a bold new designer to revitalize its fall 2014 collection.
His name is Stewie Dorfman.
And he is five years old.
Source: Dior
Unfortunately, you can’t afford this Dior confection without taking out a second mortgage on your house… However, there is another way to get this look…
And those are your options for this fall, friends!
Which look will you wear first?
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Header image via Christopher Macsurak/Flickr Creative Commons
Yipes.
Come on, people–have we learned NOTHING from the 80’s??? (And the last time I saw those pants-thingys in your first picture they were called ‘gauchos’– and they were every bit as unflattering!)
I would pay to see you in gauchos, Tori!
I love how all of the models are wearing the, ” I hate my life” expression. lol
So appropriate!
The model wearing the straightjacket shrug: are those pointy-toed pilgrim shoes?
One can only hope…
So funny, love the sheep dog one!
I sheepishly admit, if I were young and model thin, I would wear the channel lime green and bright print outfit. I do so love color!
I am so unfashionable but must ask a question. Why do leggings need to go away? Aren’t they perfect for comfy and cute?
I’m just tired of seeing leggings worn as pants! My eyes can’t handle another season of that.
And I was going to go and buy my first pair (I am almost 40) but now think I will stick to jeans. Thanks!!
The sixth outfit is perfect for work….if you work in a zoo as an orphaned baby animal cuddler.
It’s also perfect for a job as a guerilla/gorilla marketing rep.
fabulous! can’t wait to see you in the carline so we can compare outfits!!!
Matching jumpsuits, perhaps? Our girls will be thrilled!
I love the trouser socks and shoes. Reminds me of somebody’s old grampa. I’m guessing the gloves and suit
in the last pic are inspired by HAZMAT?
I predict that the women of America will embrace trouser socks and men’s brogans as the new platform stiletto!
Inspired by recent headlines concerning the ebola virus, I’m sure.
I have no words.. oh yes.. I do. WHAT THE EVER LOVING HELL??????? These were atrocious in the 70’s, 80’s and early 90’s.. they’re worse now.
What can I say? Ugly is in.
I’ve said it before, I say it every new fashion season, and I’ll say it again. I’m convinced the fashion gods of the world gather in secret penthouses in New York, Paris, and Milan to conspire as to how ridiculous they can convince the general public to look so they can laugh at us.
Okay, I’m not going to lie, but I am going to whisper: Iactuallydon’thatethefirstoption. I am, however, shocked that I went to JCrew’s site and found the pants/capris/gauchos were sold out at the cost of $248. Crazy pants – that’s what I’m calling them.