So You Say You Want Your Child to Succeed…

The ‘I Hate Homework’ post I wrote last week has sparked a ton of discussion, both on this blog and on Facebook. But while plenty of you echoed my belief that the homework load is too heavy for our kids, there were also a number of teachers who said that parents complain when they don’t give enough homework, as well as parents who said they were all for homework because they felt it would help their kids achieve more academically.

I know very well that academic achievement is incredibly important to many, many, many parents out there — I mean, that’s why all of those Kumon centers and Kaplan test preps and teach-your-baby-to-read-at-birth DVDs exist, right? But it wasn’t until a mom left one particular comment about her second grade son that the bottom line in this homework discussion basically slapped me across the face. First writing that she had enrolled him in a private school because he was “ahead of the curve” and public school would have bored him, she then wrote:

“While the amount of homework often seems overwhelming to me, my son has never known any different and seems to be able to handle it all. Including scouts, violin, soccer, and even his 20 minutes of reading a night. I do miss time with him. And I can tell he misses me too. But as long as he can carry his load and I make time where possible I hope he succeeds.”

And that’s when I realized the great divide that exists between myself and some other parents in this particular discussion. While I think we can agree that we all want our children to succeed, I believe that our definitions of success are radically different.

For a lot of parents out there, a ‘successful’ child distinguishes himself early on, academically, athletically or creatively. He makes good grades, takes advanced-level course, and ends up getting admitted into a well-regarded college or university. After that, he’ll hopefully graduate with honors, get a good job, make a lot of money, marry well, buy a large house, and give his own children all the same advantages that he was given. This is probably what most parents out there mean when they say, “I want my child to succeed.”

And I realize this may ruffle a lot of feathers out there, but I don’t think that’s necessarily a successful life at all. For me, it all boils down to this– Have you ever heard of anyone on his deathbed asking to be surrounded by his medals, stock certificates, awards and press mentions? No. People who are dying want to go out looking at the ones who love them. At the end, relationships are what matters most, not achievements. And that pretty much tells me everything I need to know about what I should be teaching my kids about success.

I believe that a truly successful person puts people and relationships first– which means that a successful person works hard to extend grace to others, even when they don’t deserve it. A successful person gives time and resources to those in need. A successful person isn’t afraid to apologize when the occasion calls for it, without expecting anything in return. A successful person prioritizes his or her family (in whatever form that family takes) over everything else. A successful person knows at the end of it all that he or she touched a whole lot of lives in a positive way.

This is the kind of success I want for my children.

Of course, I also want them to make good grades and participate in extracurricular activities, and I try to help them with these things in any way I can. I want them to go to college and I want them to find a career that they love. And I’ll freely admit that I’m happy when my children do well at school or win a medal. But let me tell you- That happiness is nothing compared to the feeling I get when one of them decides to give all of the money in their piggy bank to a charity, or befriends the kid that plays alone at recess, or takes the time to give me or their father a hug and an “I love you” for no reason at all. That’s when I have hope that my children will truly succeed and have good, meaningful lives.

I felt like this post needed to be written mainly because this is not a definition of success that’s embraced by our society. We’re encouraged as parents to constantly push our children to do more, learn more, achieve more. I’ve fallen into this trap more times than I like to admit. But I think it’s important to take a moment to envision our children’s adult lives. Do we want a high paying, 90 hour a week career for our son that results in a loveless marriage with his wife? Do we want a daughter who has learned from our example to be so driven with her own kids that she never takes the time to simply relax and enjoy the few years she has with them? How can we as parents try to prevent this from happening to our children? Are we modeling for them the kinds of relationships that we hope they’ll have some day with their spouse or child, or are we so caught up in the rat race of earning meaningless accomplishments that it’s all they’ll know to do as adults?

When you say you want your kids to succeed, what does that really mean to you?

It’s a question worth asking.