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November 11, 2013 posted by Lindsay Ferrier

Warped Childhood, Restoration Hardware-Style: VOLUME II

Warped Childhood, Restoration Hardware-Style: VOLUME II

Last December, while sifting through a ginormous stack of holiday catalogs in search of appropriate gifts for various family members, I got sucked into the weird, weird world of Restoration Hardware Baby & Child. Don’t get me wrong- I love RH as much as the next person and I seriously covet this industrial steel pipe bunkbed for my son- but the catalog photos? I mean, sorry, RH stylists, but… what were you smoking?

I wrote a post with handy captions for some of my favorite pages from the catalog, and people seemed to like it. But it wasn’t until ten months later that something sort of… crazy happened- and if I could tell you what happened or how it happened, I would be The Pioneer Woman right now. Basically, over the last two months, more than a million people have read my Restoration Hardware post, and that number continues to grow by tens of thousands every single day.

And wow. That’s awesome. But again, I wrote that post a year ago, and so it started to worry me that Restoration Hardware had changed its ways since then. What if this year’s RH Baby & Child rooms were more… realistic? More… stain guarded? More… appropriate for actual children? I felt compelled to check out this year’s Restoration Hardware Baby & Child Fall Source Book, and it’s safe to say that over at RH headquarters, absolutely nothing has changed.  Check out the latest hallucinatory images:

Whale-Nursery

It was rumored that Champ Hargrove had insisted on the nursery’s whale theme as motivation for his wife to lose the 10 pounds she’d gained during pregnancy.

 

Wigwam-Friends
The Cavenbottoms proudly informed friends that the playroom’s wigwam was purchased after Eugenia Cavenbottom discovered her 7th great aunt was half-Cherokee. “Once we got over the shock,” she confided, “we decided it was of utmost importance that Cameron and Callista remain in touch with their roots.”

 

Tales-of-the-Unfortunate
“When Nanny was small, she lived in a house with only four rooms!” Caspian told his siblings in a mysterious voice. “Oh that can’t possibly be true,” his brother giggled. “Where did she play?” “In a bedroom… that she shared… with her two sisters,” Caspian replied dramatically. The children shook with laughter. Caspian certainly knew how to tell a tall tale!

 

More-Light
“I need more light for my sketches!” Matilda Century-Fox imperiously informed her parents. “More light! MORE LIGHT!”

And as all of Holmby Hills knows, whatever Matilda Century-Fox wants, Matilda Century-Fox gets.

 

World-Traveler
“Minions!” Pax Dunderworth IV shouted at his Stuffington Hall classmates after being pushed to the ground. “You think your homes are anything special? I’ve got an entire room devoted to planning my world travels!”

No one believed him.

 

Lil-studier
No one knew until it was too late that Thurston Winstead’s weekly missives to his ailing grandmother were actually addressed to a felon named Curly Rumpsnort, and contained detailed instructions on how to access his father’s safe.

 

Fear-of-Flying
Studs Gewgaw wasn’t Greenwich’s top interior decorator for nothing- When Nan Farkwater told him that her youngest’s fear of flying was threatening the family Christmas trip to Gstaad, he knew exactly how to proceed.

 

Running-Away
Upon learning she was the first Pembroke ever to be denied admission to Northminstershireton Preparatory School for Young Ladies and Gentlemen, five year old Hadley decided to run away from home.

Though she was never found, it must be admitted that her parents didn’t look very hard for her.

 

Nerd-Chic
Encouraged by his devoted parents, Langley Witherspoon was determined to be the world’s first 21st-century explorer to use only 19th-century maps and tools. His stuffed animals weren’t sure this was wise– but they kept their opinions to themselves.

 

Garrett-Child
Delia Von Crumpet insisted she didn’t treat her stepson any differently from her other children.

But everyone knew poor Jasper slept in the garret.

 

Shoes-on-the-floor
Sinclair had always known mummy had a fragile temperament, but her therapist assured her she couldn’t have known leaving her shoes on the floor would cause the nervous breakdown.

 

Unfortunate-Accident
Sadly, Dermot Hogsforth was never quite right after the ‘A’ tipped whilst he was drawing on the playroom chalkboard.

 

Brainiac
“Atticus is really quite brilliant, you know,” Mitzi Rothchild-Bousquet told her tablemates at the annual Conservatory Luncheon. “He often works on complicated equations late into the night, and insists on sleeping in his study. His preschool teachers simply don’t know what to do with him!”

Thanks for the good times, Restoration Hardware!

Did you like this post? Check out Christmas, Restoration Hardware-Style!

And for more warped humor, like my Facebook page and follow me on Twitter!

  • Guest

    I love all of these names! PLEASE tell me they are fictional, and not real Belle Meade names.

    • suburbanturmoil

      Totally invented. I don’t want to ruffle the feathers of the ruling class! ;)

      • http://camelsandchocolate.com/ CamelsAndChocolate

        Be honest: You met them all at the annual Belle Meade polo fundraiser, right?

        • suburbanturmoil

          I was just trying to get them to invest in Rayna Jaymes’s record label…

      • Andrea

        Pax Dunderworth IV is definitely my favorite.

  • Tara McDaniel Brooks

    I must repeat the earlier comment – the names are AMAZING!!! Please keep these updates alive!

  • Sarah M

    These are HILARIOUS! Love it!!

  • http://camelsandchocolate.com/ CamelsAndChocolate

    Oh, I just love you.

  • Nunu Hurt-Doyle

    hahahhahhahaa!! you made my morning. i was all grumpy too!! better than a cuppa!

  • Tyanna

    over-the-top HILAR!! Love!!

  • Jenna Francisco

    Sheesh…many of these look like they were inspired by the grandpa’s hobbies. One reality that’s clearly missing is that kids LOVE the Avengers sheets they spy at Target or the hideous Angry Birds toys all their friends have. While we can help shape the look of kids’ space, they need to feel that they can show their own identities, too.

  • anr

    Volume 2 equally witty and less mean-spirited! I love!

  • MommyTesters

    I now believe that there is a true purpose for adult diapers. Thank you for my Monday giggle.

  • Traci Ling

    You kill me with laughter every time!!!!

  • Stapler Confessions

    Fabulous! Thanks for giving me the giggles.

  • TamsynRiley

    Hilarious!!

  • http://www.mamaworkinprogress.com/ Courtney Buxton

    Bravo!!! Encore!

  • Patricia Bowers Payne

    Hilarious!

  • Kathleen Bell

    Hilarious!!!!

  • Cecilia Bramhall

    ROTFL! Those are just hilarious! Thank you for starting my day off with a huge smile.

  • Sharon

    Absolutely screamingly funny. I have sent both on to friends and everyone loves them. My daughter (two children under three) sent the blogs to me after I brought her the HR Baby and Child catalog!!!!!

  • Jenn AJennuineLife

    I’m not sure if I should be honored or offended that my daughter Hadley’s name made it into the pretentious ranks. I’ll choose honored and know that she would scoff and tear these beautiful rooms to pieces in mere seconds!

  • Dr. Casey

    The rooms are gorgeous…dont really get the humor out of trying to make fun of them. Beats walmart or target decorations any day of the week:)

    • http://www.kimbowid.blogspot.com purejoy

      That’s the point. They’re gorgeous and worthy of a fairy-tale novel because most of us only have half the budget to even decorate Target-worthy.

  • Ahnnie

    Brilliant! Wish you could make it into a coffee table book with pictures. I’d be first in line.

    • http://www.kimbowid.blogspot.com purejoy

      YES!!! I’ll be right behind you!! Oh please do!

  • Megan Karetny

    This series is absolutely fantastic! We need more! haha!!!

  • Andrea

    I was really hoping you would do another of post about RH. This one did not disappoint. Hilarious.

  • Lesley Warren

    Awesome! And I too have absolutely swooned over there rooms. However the fact that they are just plain boring has kept me from mimicking them in any way.

  • Wendy Lane Bailey

    Brilliant, and yet, oh so close reality in my part of the Eastern Seaboard.

  • Krysstyna Shields-Schmitt

    I’d LOVE to sleep in the “Garret!!”!!

  • RRRegena f

    oommggg..love your dry wit..and the names!!! too much

  • Emily

    Bravo! In the one about Sinclair and the shoes, there’s GOT to be something said about those dresses. Hmmm…something like:
    Nanny was out sick so Mummy ironed my dresses THE WAY THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ironed. Completely impressed with herself (and her single domestic chore of the decade), she framed the result as a daily remainder of her hard work.

  • Jean

    Even better than the first installment!! You’ve outdone yourself.

  • Gertie

    Love it. So funny!

    But really, aren’t the rooms really kind of creepy?
    Like maybe these kids are orphans sent to live with their eccentric grandfather (who doesn’t like children) in his spooky, cluttered mansion?

  • Christina

    This is a hater website. So easy I guess…if you can’t ever afford it……make fun of it. Awesome…two thumbs up..you’ve grown up so much since grade 9.

    • fob

      I think, mayhaps, you have missed the point. These bedrooms are stylists’ ideas of what wanna-be-wealthy people think wealthy children’s bedrooms look like. I will take it that since you think they are realistic, that you are one of the wanna-be-wealthy types. Actual wealthy people do not decorate their children’s bedrooms in this way–the rooms are very nice, but they don’t look like adult bedrooms with whimsical themes. These are bedrooms designed by people who don’t have children to try and guilt people who don’t have money into spending money that they don’t have so that their children won’t know they aren’t wealthy. Yes, it’s funny (and, yes, I meant all the double negatives).

      • Estate Manager for the Wealthy

        Actually, they do….and their children have better manners than to make fun of people that have more, or less, than they do.

  • Katie James

    Please take a joke “purejoygetalife”. Life is too short. Don’t read it if you don’t have a sense of humor.

  • Katie James

    Hilarious! Not sure why some people have to make rude comments. If you can’t find the humor in it, don’t read it! I think your brilliant! :)

  • b4pangea

    These rooms are tasteful, understated, adult and classy; as
    are the catalog children pictured in them, engaged cooperatively in charming -and tidy- creative and intellectual pursuits.

    You don’t get what those of us with real, live children find
    hilarious about that?

  • Finley St Claire Worthington

    I am completely convinced that the rude comments come from the same people that think other people don’t like them because “they are just jealous”. This is hilarious.. Don’t take yourselves too seriously.

  • KMR

    Can we talk about the white-padded walls that Matilda Century-Fox resides in?

  • Ron Fazekas

    purejoy–Learn to spell- the word is “plain” and a question is followed by a question mark.–The fact that people CAN afford such foolish bedrooms for their kids doesn’t mean they SHOULD!–A kid needs a room with linoleum floors and furniture that can get scratched.–He won’t sleep better in a $2,000 bed than a $200. one.

  • Fonda Rush

    absolutely delightful! i just moseyed over from Vintage Rescue Squad, and look what i find! i will be spending a little more time here. hopefully, i will find more unique stories within!

  • T. Kenney

    Laugh-out-loud funny!!

  • Anon

    You should check out this blog (which I actually really like). She goes through basically the same images but gushes about how much she would’ve liked these rooms as a 6-year-old!

    http://7thhouseontheleft.com/2011/11/six-years/

    • CBC

      Yeah, but she wasn’t joking. She’d actually buy it. Weird.

  • CheTh

    You should write a children’s book.

  • a2z

    Please show us the Clinton-Soros-Obamabilt rooms!

  • http://www.southshoredecoratingblog.com/ Stacy Curran

    I’m so glad I found these – totally hilarious! I LOVE RH and would shop there if I could afford it, but I can’t, so it’s fun to see you make fun of them ;)
    Stacy @http://www.SouthShoreDecoratingBlog.com

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  • Sugar Nest

    Heeelarious! Love the names too…karen

  • spinetingler

    “then move on” says the person taking the time out of his/her busy “Dr” schedule to read (and comment) on a blog entry mocking his/her taste.

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