I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
August 23, 2010
>iVillage recently published a post called “15 Things Moms Secretly Want to Say to Stepmoms.” While the author made a show of being very gracious in her notes to stepmothers, I found it disturbing that she still managed to portray the typical stepmom as being a man-stealing hussy.
Um, thanks.
I’ve been a stepmother now for nine years and a mom for six. I don’t write much about being a stepmom because my stepdaughters are teenagers and I try to respect their privacy as much as I can– but let me tell you, being a stepmother is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done, harder even than being a mom, and at times I feel like a total failure. What’s kept me sane over the years is my eventual discovery that most stepmoms feel every bit as confused and frustrated as I often do. I’ve learned to feel fortunate that despite my family’s imperfections, we’re making it work. We get along for the most part, there are very few arguments in this house, and for all my mistakes, I can feel very good about that.
But I don’t feel good about the iVillage post. So as a stepmother a mother, and an adult child of divorce and subsequent remarriage, I’m offering a rebuttal, with “15 Things Stepmoms Secretly Want to Say to Moms–” And by the way, I’m not talking specifically about myself in this post (although I have had some of these experiences)– but stepmoms in general. Here goes…
I’m not a bimbo.
I may be younger than your ex-husband. I may have clearly taken time with my hair, makeup and body when he met me (just as you likely did when you were single). The fact that I fell in love with a man who was married once before doesn’t make me a slut or a sexpot, and it’s unfair of you to label me that way, either implicitly or in actual words. I would love to have been his first wife. It’s not easy knowing he experienced all of his “firsts” as a husband with you and not me.
Please don’t turn your mom friends and acquaintances against me.
I’ll have a hard enough time finding friendly faces at your children’s school and sporting events without you adding to the difficulty. Trust me, few moms like to see a second wife, no matter how nice she tries to be, or how good she is with her stepkids. I’m going to get the cold shoulder without your help. You’ll come off looking far more noble if you’re civil when you see me in public.
I will probably inadvertently take some of “your” milestones.
Maybe I took the kids to see their first musical before you got around to it. Or maybe I gave your daughter her first manicure, even though you wanted to. If I didn’t know of your plans and was simply trying to be a good stepmom to your children, I’ll put this in the simplest terms possible: Get over it. Your child will experience hundreds of milestones with you, both small and large. Be glad that I’m making an effort to have a good relationship with your kids, and imagine how much worse it would be for them if I wasn’t.
Your kids aren’t perfect, and neither am I.
Maybe I lost my temper with one of your children. Maybe I didn’t handle a situation in the way you (or I) would have preferred. As a stepmom, I’m experiencing a true trial by fire. I’ve been thrown into this parenting thing and I’m not always going to get it right. What’s worse, I know your child will probably tell you all about my mistakes in excruciating detail. Take these stories with a grain of salt and make an effort to think about them objectively. I’m very sure that you’ve made mistakes as a mom- Allow me to make a few, too.
Treat me like you want your ex to treat your Mr. Right.
Now that you’re divorced, I’m assuming you want to meet your true Mr. Right (if you haven’t already). Treat me like you hope your ex will treat him if the two of you decide to marry. And remember, at your age there’s an excellent chance he’ll have children, too, and you’ll find yourself in my shoes. Consider how you want to be treated if you become a stepmother some day.
I don’t want to take your place.
You’re their mother and while I’d like to have a good relationship with your children, I have no desire to take your place. Believe me, I couldn’t even if I tried.
It’s better for everyone if you and I try to get along.
Your kids have been through enough as it is, don’t you think? Let’s not add to the stress of this situation by being at each others’ throats. They’ll feel better about themselves if we’re civil.
Please don’t say bad things about your ex or me in front of the kids.
I know it’s tempting, but as a child of divorce, there was nothing worse than feeling like I was being put in the middle of my parents’ conflict. By saying bad things about your ex or me in front of the kids, that’s exactly what you’re doing, and it’s hurting your child, not me.
Take comfort. Your revenge fantasies will probably be realized without your doing a thing.
Did you know that 70% of blended family marriages ultimately fail? Trying to make a blended family work takes a huge toll on even the best of relationships. I am going to have a very, very difficult time finding success as a stepmother, and all you have to do to ensure that is… absolutely nothing!
You’re not doing anyone any favors by pretending I don’t exist.
You didn’t want your husband to remarry, but here I am. Deal with me. Acting like I don’t exist or trying to prevent me from having contact with your child whenever you can isn’t going to solve anything, and will only make things more uncomfortable for your child.
Think of me as Switzerland.
I’m not an extension of your ex unless you think of me that way. Frankly, I’d like nothing better than to stay out of your conflict altogether. I’ll promise to keep my comments and thoughts about you to myself if you’ll promise not to blame me by proxy for everything that went wrong in your failed marriage.
A little kindness goes a long way.
I’m not expecting us to become friends, but any small kindness you can manage to show me is probably going to be reciprocated, whether you include me in an invitation to your child’s birthday party or save a seat for me when I’m running late to your son’s piano recital.
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
I started a new Christmas tradition with your kids. I bought your daughter a pair of sunglasses you think are too expensive for a 12-year-old. They like my brownies better than yours. You can let the small stuff nag at you, but what purpose does it serve? We are all living in an imperfect situation, and we are all (hopefully) doing the best we can. Learn to let the little things go.
I might have to discipline your child.
I should never, ever spank or hit your child and if I do, you have full permission to go ape shit. But if your child acts up or is disrespectful in my home, I have every right to send him to his room or give him a time out. It would be fabulous if your child never put me in the position of having to discipline him. If he does, try to keep a cool head about it.
If I had an affair with your husband while the two of you were still a couple, I need to come to terms with the fact that we will probably never get along.
If I didn’t get romantically involved with your husband until after you both called it 100% quits as a couple, then I think you owe it to everyone involved in this situation to try and treat me with decency. If, however, we had an affair and ended your marriage, all bets are off. I need to realize that I will probably be a thorn in your side every time you see me and frankly, I probably never should have married your husband and put your children in this situation in the first place. You have full permission to hate my guts. Just um, try to keep the kids out of it.
P.S. I know you’re curious, and you’ve probably already guessed that I didn’t meet my husband until after he was divorced. Now, though, as a mom, the thought of my husband having an affair and eventually making that woman my kids’ stepmother is one of the worst nightmares I could possibly imagine, so I don’t have much sympathy for stepmoms in that situation (although I have a LOT of sympathy for the kids). Sorry.
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