When we moved to our neighborhood, I thought we had found our own little suburban paradise. I loved walking on our tree-lined streets, chatting with friendly neighbors, and watching my kids play with the other children in our community.

Then I joined NextDoor.com.

That’s how I discovered  that everything I thought I knew about my neighborhood — and my neighbors — was wrong. You really haven’t seen the seedy underbelly of suburbia until you’ve joined NextDoor, and maybe that’s why I can’t stop logging on. Grab some popcorn, buckle your seatbelts, and check out these 8 TRUTHS I’ve learned about NextDoor.com.

 

1. No matter how safe your neighborhood seems, wild animals are definitely trying to kill you.

 

Thanks to NextDoor, I now know that my neighborhood is literally crawling with MANY VERY DANGEROUS ANIMALS, including bobcats masquerading as pets, brown recluse spiders, skunks, mountain lions, bears, wolves, and venomous copperheads. It’s really a wonder I’m still alive.

 

And how could I forget the Possible Rabid Coyotes (otherwise known as PRCs)? The next time you see a coyote that just doesn’t look right, for heaven’s sake, don’t try to give him a Milk Bone!

Stay the hell away — and post about it on NextDoor, ASAP.

 

2. Loud bangs are either firecrackers or gunshots, and therefore either super annoying or terrifying.

 

 

What’s that loud noise? Who cares? Just be sure to complain about it on NextDoor, preferably at 2 in the morning so they know YOU MEAN BUSINESS.

Bonus points if you mention sedating your furbabies.

 

3. When you spot someone you don’t recognize in the neighborhood, follow this simple three-step procedure: 1. Take lots of pictures. 2. Call the police. 3. Tell NextDoor.

 

 

Woe to any stranger who dares to show up unannounced in a NextDoor neighborhood!  Stop whatever crimes you were trying to commit doing and say ‘Cheese,’ Unknown Person — You’ve entered a land where all residents are armed with cell phone cameras, and they’re not afraid to use them!

 

And don’t even think of wearing Mickey Mouse ears and a flashing red light, because WE TOTALLY KNOW IT’S PART OF YOUR CAR BREAK-IN SCHEME.

 

4. Seen any bad drivers lately? NextDoor wants to hear from you!

Hear ye, hear ye, all speeders, tailgaters, distracted drivers and teenagers: Prepare for your devilish road antics to be put ON BLAST.

Bunny Killers, take special notice — The Great Eye of NextDoor sees all.

 

5. Sh*t Happens.

If you’ve found poop in your yard you’re pretty sure doesn’t belong to you, you must live in a NextDoor neighborhood! Tell your fellow residents about it. Provide photos to convince the skeptical.

 

6. If you had a dollar for every lost and found pet notice on NextDoor, you’d be a millionaire. 

 

Lost and found animals are basically the glue that holds NextDoor together. Between losing pets, finding pets, and shaming those who’ve lost and found pets, NextDoor neighbors stay very busy! So the next time you see a dog or cat whose owner is more than 10 feet away, take a picture and post it on NextDoor!

Bonus Points if you include a warning about pet-eating predators (see No. 1), including but not limited to hawks, PRCs, bobcats, eagles, owls, narwhals, mountain lions, bears, wolves, or T-Rexes.

 

Keep a close eye on your koibabies, too.

 

7. Think your neighborhood is crime free? Let NextDoor change your mind!

 

Don’t let the city crime maps fool you — Thieves, vandals, solicitors, the UPS guy, and a motley assortment of Suspicious Strangers are prowling your neighborhood on the regular, and you’ll learn to fear them all once you join NextDoor.  When you can’t even put a pumpkin suit on a goose, you KNOW things have gotten bad.

 8. People are weird. 

‘Nuff said.

There’s more, of course — Petty arguments about HOA rules, complaints about local businesses, complaints about the complainers, complaints about the complaints about complainers, passive-aggressive behavior and general rage… Essentially, NextDoor has turned what used to be pretty ordinary days into Days of Our Lives… and I, for one, AM LOVING IT.

How about you?

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