8 Truths About NextDoor.com
When we moved to our neighborhood, I thought we had found our own little suburban paradise. I loved walking on our tree-lined streets, chatting with friendly neighbors, and watching my kids play with the other children in our community.
Then I joined NextDoor.com.
That’s how I discovered that everything I thought I knew about my neighborhood — and my neighbors — was wrong. You really haven’t seen the seedy underbelly of suburbia until you’ve joined NextDoor, and maybe that’s why I can’t stop logging on. Grab some popcorn, buckle your seatbelts, and check out these 8 TRUTHS I’ve learned about NextDoor.com.
1. No matter how safe your neighborhood seems, wild animals are definitely trying to kill you.
Thanks to NextDoor, I now know that my neighborhood is literally crawling with MANY VERY DANGEROUS ANIMALS, including bobcats masquerading as pets, brown recluse spiders, skunks, mountain lions, bears, wolves, and venomous copperheads. It’s really a wonder I’m still alive.
And how could I forget the Possible Rabid Coyotes (otherwise known as PRCs)? The next time you see a coyote that just doesn’t look right, for heaven’s sake, don’t try to give him a Milk Bone!
Stay the hell away — and post about it on NextDoor, ASAP.
2. Loud bangs are either firecrackers or gunshots, and therefore either super annoying or terrifying.
What’s that loud noise? Who cares? Just be sure to complain about it on NextDoor, preferably at 2 in the morning so they know YOU MEAN BUSINESS.
Bonus points if you mention sedating your furbabies.
3. When you spot someone you don’t recognize in the neighborhood, follow this simple three-step procedure: 1. Take lots of pictures. 2. Call the police. 3. Tell NextDoor.
Woe to any stranger who dares to show up unannounced in a NextDoor neighborhood! Stop whatever crimes you were trying to commit doing and say ‘Cheese,’ Unknown Person — You’ve entered a land where all residents are armed with cell phone cameras, and they’re not afraid to use them!
And don’t even think of wearing Mickey Mouse ears and a flashing red light, because WE TOTALLY KNOW IT’S PART OF YOUR CAR BREAK-IN SCHEME.
4. Seen any bad drivers lately? NextDoor wants to hear from you!
Hear ye, hear ye, all speeders, tailgaters, distracted drivers and teenagers: Prepare for your devilish road antics to be put ON BLAST.
Bunny Killers, take special notice — The Great Eye of NextDoor sees all.
5. Sh*t Happens.
If you’ve found poop in your yard you’re pretty sure doesn’t belong to you, you must live in a NextDoor neighborhood! Tell your fellow residents about it. Provide photos to convince the skeptical.
6. If you had a dollar for every lost and found pet notice on NextDoor, you’d be a millionaire.
Lost and found animals are basically the glue that holds NextDoor together. Between losing pets, finding pets, and shaming those who’ve lost and found pets, NextDoor neighbors stay very busy! So the next time you see a dog or cat whose owner is more than 10 feet away, take a picture and post it on NextDoor!
Bonus Points if you include a warning about pet-eating predators (see No. 1), including but not limited to hawks, PRCs, bobcats, eagles, owls, narwhals, mountain lions, bears, wolves, or T-Rexes.
Keep a close eye on your koibabies, too.
7. Think your neighborhood is crime free? Let NextDoor change your mind!
Don’t let the city crime maps fool you — Thieves, vandals, solicitors, the UPS guy, and a motley assortment of Suspicious Strangers are prowling your neighborhood on the regular, and you’ll learn to fear them all once you join NextDoor. When you can’t even put a pumpkin suit on a goose, you KNOW things have gotten bad.
8. People are weird.
‘Nuff said.
There’s more, of course — Petty arguments about HOA rules, complaints about local businesses, complaints about the complainers, complaints about the complaints about complainers, passive-aggressive behavior and general rage… Essentially, NextDoor has turned what used to be pretty ordinary days into Days of Our Lives… and I, for one, AM LOVING IT.
How about you?
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September 18th, 2017 at 5:34 am
[…] And in case you’re not familiar with Nextdoor, here’s a pretty good example of every Nextdoor neighborhood on the platform. […]
April 26th, 2018 at 1:20 pm
Hilarious/sad — thanks for the heads up!
May 8th, 2018 at 9:36 pm
While most problems on Nextdoor are inherent in any social forum anywhere, it is their corporate staff who are the most alarming. We started a group on ND as alternative to the vindictively censored one run by our domineering and cliquish neighborhood association on Yahoo. Nextdoor has tons of groups like ours. They said they would respect and defend us. They let us grow to hundreds of members but then they let people from the Ass’n harass us online. Then they abruptly kicked us off and re-assigned admin control to members of the Ass’n!!!
Google “Dawson Seized” and pick the top result. That’s us.
Prior to that, a member of Nextdoor’s executive staff personally suspended all of our admin “lead” accounts and held us hostage to force us to assist him in testing the website’s security! He spent several days turning the screws on us, treating us like a fly in his web. He would have terminated us for refusing, if not for the fact that we were organizing a neighborhood picnic and people were missing us online. He re-instated our accounts to LOOK like admin accounts, but we no longer had our abilities. We had to get his permission to do things. Also, he arranged that we admins would no longer get most posts from our city officials and police, likely so we couldn’t leave comments there about ND that the whole city could see. That act denied us access to our public officials and left us uninformed about dangers in the area!
Please do not put your neighborhood community on Nextdoor! Democracy and free speech are not a part of their DNA! They might be a private corporation who can make up their own rules, but in a country like ours, free speech is (was?) central to our way of life. It is horrifying that they scorn civil liberties and ban open conversation in favor of a hazy “community guidelines”. They use those like a hammer to quash anyone who they don’t want to become a community “influencer”. They micromanage and pick our leaders! Neighborhoods aren’t allowed to develop their own boundaries and culture.
Nextdoor exists to herd people into channels and ferret out those who are good at debate. Like facebook, they’re trying to train people to think it’s “fun” and “neighborly” to divulge all sorts of personal details, marching ahead into a brave new world.
May 12th, 2018 at 5:16 pm
I cannot give enough ‘Thumbs Up’ to those exposing this bunch of instigators.
October 28th, 2018 at 4:27 pm
Oh my god!! Thank you for writing this. Hilarious! My husband just brought in the mail and there was a solicitation from NextDoir.com. Previously, the only time I had ever heard of “Nextdoir.com” was in Andrea Savages’s show “I’n Sorry” and I honestly thought it was just a plotlibe joke! Boy … was I wrong! Now I am torn about signing up .. I mean .. who couldn’t use a daily bout of hysterical laughter from neighborly insanity and lack of common sense! Thanks again for the wonderful, hilarious heads-up!!
October 28th, 2018 at 4:30 pm
Shoot! Passenger texting can be a bad idea, too!! Sorry for typos … : )
November 7th, 2018 at 6:29 pm
Its a pet lover’s site, 80 plus percent pet site. I’m out. I love animals, but most pet owners are obsessed with their pets and they adopted Nextdoor, then took it over.