I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
April 1, 2006
>A few summers ago, my 12-year-old stepdaughter (then 10) and her friend, Libby, were playing in the backyard when I heard a shrieking that sent me dashing for the back door.
“What’s wrong?! What is it?” I shouted, looking around the yard. I was met with a scene that has burned itself forever into the tangled wires of my brain.
Libby lay before me, pulling her way up the stairs of the deck with her hands. Attached to one skinny, blue jeaned leg was… Dipper. Our decidedly neutered beagle. He was busy humping her calf with a wild abandon.
“Get him OFF ME!!” she shouted hysterically. “GET HIM OFF ME!!!!”
Nearby, 12-then-10 stood laughing uproariously. And of course, I did what any good stepmother would do. I laughed until I cried.
Libby, thank God, was a good sport. A budding slapstick comedienne by nature, she made exaggerated faces of horror and reached out to me in desperate supplication.
“Hellllllp meeeeee…” she pleaded, reaching out her arms to me. “HELP MEEEEEEE PLEEEASE!”
The moment I finally managed to extricate Dipper from his leg o’ lovin’, Libby raced for our back yard hammock to escape his feverish clutches. Undeterred, Dipper followed close on her heels. As Libby leaped into the hammock, Dipper jumped on top of her.
And then he peed. On Libby. Which wasn’t so funny (or so I had to pretend). But after a change of clothing, she took it fairly well, even agreeing to go back outside and let him do it again (the leg grabbing and the screaming, not the peeing) so that we could get it on video.
This was only the first of many episodes between Dipper and various prepubescent girls who’ve been lured into our backyard over the last two years. I don’t know what it is about their gangly shins that sends our ball-less beagle into paroxysms over what might’ve been. I don’t know why he only sniffs disdainfully at the legs of family members, small children and adults. I know only that when tweenage girls come over to play outside, our canine knave must be banished to the garage so that innocent maidens may retain their virtue.
Unless the maiden in question is Kelsey Lombardi.
Kelsey started out nice enough. But by seventh grade, she had morphed into a cheesy Paris Hilton wannabe, using a fake California-style accent and generally driving me from of the room on the rare occasions that she was in our house.
“Like, are you going to eat that?” she asked my 15-year-old stepdaughter (then 12) about the sandwich I had just made her for lunch one summer day. “Because it looks good, but the calories. Why do you think my stomach is so flat?” She shook her highlighted-at-home hair and patted her tummy, sucking in hard. Pushing her own sandwich away, she turned to me. “Lucinda, do you have any cottage cheese? Or just… Lettuce?”
I gritted my teeth and said nothing, busying myself with unloading the dishwasher so that I didn’t say something really nasty about how guts come and go, but an underbite is forever. Fortunately, my stepdaughter was immune to Kelsey’s preteen propaganda. She looked calculatingly at Kelsey for a moment, then…
“Lindsay, can we let Dipper out and play with him?”
I turned to my brilliant stepdaughter with a huge smile. “Sure!” I said too brightly. “Of course! Yes! I’ll let him out for you!”
“Come on, Kelsey,” 15-then-12 said. “Dipper is really sweet.”
“Um, okay,” Kelsey said. “I just love puppy dogs.”
The girls headed for the back yard while I went to the garage to release our favorite four-legged lothario. As he trotted out the back door, he stopped, lifting his nose to the breeze. Oh yes. Love was definitely in the air. Pausing only to let out one long, lustful howl, Dipper took off in amorous pursuit of his unsuspecting prey.
“What the…” I heard Kelsey say from the deck. “AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE! Get him OFF ME! GET HIM OFF ME!!!!!”
Believe me, I sprang into action. I simply had to find my camera.
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>BWAHAHAHA! I’d have done the same thing. Generally, twisted moms are the most interesting anyway.
>As I’ve always said (or meant to), unwanted canine dry-humping is the best revenge.This is riotous. Thanks for a morning laugh.
>You are soooo evil. I bow to you. Thanks for the giggles.
>15 is a girl after my own heart. I hope the pictures turned out good! Hehehehe
>Oh yeah! Perfected retaliation is an art form in itself. Those pictures will be worth a thousand words and then some.Of course all that screaming is good for flat abs.
>I’m reminded of when my younger sister (then about 19) briefly considered getting a beautiful Samoyed Husky who was having his first season of lust. My youngest sister, then about 7, and I visited and admired the very excitable dog in the very small apartment. My sister was seriously considering keeping th edog, but when he knocked my littlest sister down and mounted her from behind, she changed her mind. Luckily, my littlest sister had no idea what was going on and figured the dog was just playing around.
>Bwahahahaa!! Good for 15! Don’t ALL 12 year olds have flat stomachs? And what 12 y/o worries about that anyway? She definately got her just desserts!
>Your video camera, right? 😉
>All-round good fun, I’d say. So I’ll say it: All-round good fun. (If you’re the one with the camera.)
>Oh my GOSH that’s a riot! I have three beagles (2 males) and they haven’t tried that one YET. Maybe Kelsey would like to come over and play?
>What a great image. Don’t dogs just always have our backs in the most meaningful of ways? 🙂
>So? Any chance we get to see a picture? It could help launch the start of Kelsey’s illustrious career as a Paris Hilton wannabe you know.
>I love how you got her to agree to a reenactment. LOL. Dogs are goodtimes
>OK, this is hilarious, but the best part of most of your stories is how great of a Mom you are for your girls 🙂
>I hope Miss Paris In Training was thoroughly slobbered, humped, and peed on by Dodo! What a SMART dog. What a DUMB girl. You and stepdaughter were brilliant for doing that. LOL.
>LOL. you are the best stepmom ever!
>Classic 😀
>Wait, there’s a joke here somewhere……Nope, I’ve got nothing.
>Great post and great to catch up with you! Look forward to the pictures!
>Hell, Paris’ great career started out with a video of sex with a dog of the human kind, I’m sure this is will be a favour in the long run! (meanhile – HA! What a smart kid you have there!)
>Brilliant!
>Aren’t we glad to have such upstanding and well-spoken blondes as our kids’ rolemodels. I know I’m confident about the future. Like, it’s in good hands.
>Ah yes. The canine jump, bump, n hump. Gets ’em everytime! That is awesome.
>Lucinda, lucinda, lucinda!- why HELL aren’t we neighbors!!!! Damn it!ok, go to my site- i’m trying to get names for our soon to be new dog-it’s appearent that you have a natural nack for this. hahahaHave anice week:)
>This is why I need to have a girl child so that she’ll have girl friends and I can laugh at their expense till night falls.Well told as usual!
>Omg.. I almost peed myself!Too funny! (and too perfect!)
>Beautiful! I hope Dodo marked Kelsey with his scent too!!
>Hooray for the Smart Girl(s)!
>lmao! you are my HERO!
>I love that your stepdaughter is confident enough about herself not to fall for that kind of peer pressure and to actually fight it with a good dose of humor. It is so much fun to screw with clueless people.
>Kelsey SO deserved that one!
>LMAO!!!!This is soooo funny!!!I so love your sense of humor and fairness!!!LBC
>Thanks for the laughs! ROFL, has Kelsey come over since?
>No. But as you can imagine, she wasn’t invited back!
>Thank you – I needed the laugh!We have a girl dog that was “taken care of” as a pup, so no worries here!
>Holy Crap that is SO FUNNY.Wow.