>An important message for parents everywhere

>February 25, 2006

Robert Mueller
Director, Federal Bureau of Investigations
935 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20001

Dear Mr. Mueller,

I realize you’re pretty busy trying to catch terrorists and stuff, but I have a problem that I believe to be of global, if not universal importance.

I’ll be frank. Aliens have invaded the bodies of my adolescent stepdaughters.

I know it sounds odd, but the evidence is overwhelming. Six short months ago, my 12-year-old was a cuddler. A hugger. A baby talker. Today, hugging her is like trying to embrace a wooden Indian in a cigar store, with equally embarrassing results. The baby talk has been replaced with outrageous jargon like, “Dude.” “Harsh.” “Chill.” And cuddling? Um. No.

All this is accompanied by many sighs and vacant stares, slumped posture, and a weird insistence on sharpening her colored pencils on the playroom carpet instead of over the trash can. This, Mr. Mueller, is not normal behavior.

I must admit that I did not initially trace these symptoms to aliens until yesterday, when my 15-year-old stepdaughter’s body was similarly overtaken.

Ordinarily kind and upbeat, 15 came home yesterday accompanied by an acquaintance named Britany. The acquaintance in question exhibited the same symptoms as my 12-year-old. I carefully noted the same hunched posture, the same one-syllable responses, even the same smudged Great Lash mascara on her eyes. Within minutes, the effect had transferred to my 15-year-old! For the last 12 hours, she has been surly, cynical, and heaping on the eye makeup.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t you Mr. Mueller? Of course you do. You’re not the head of the FBI for nothing.

The aliens have sent decoy “teenagers” to our planet, to walk among our children and infect them with some sort of extraterrestrial, attitudinous goo. It’s so obvious; I can’t believe it took me this long to figure it out. It is now clear that my 12-year-old’s best friend (Denise Anderson, for your records), is an alien decoy as well. I can trace 12’s body snatch to the week that she and the alien “girl” began “chilling” together!

Now that I think of it, Mr. Mueller, this has been going on for some time. I distinctly remember a pair of identical twins at my high school (Ambrose and Alistair de Margrave. They should be in your files somewhere), who, it was whispered, were leftover spies from the Russian cold war, sent to glean the secrets of Atlanta’s most prominent families. One, it was said, was merely an automaton, created by scientists to allow the other to move freely and gather information.

And yet now, I’m not entirely convinced that both twins weren’t in fact a cruder model of alien invader. Certainly strange things happened when they were present. Solar eclipses. Disruptions in the magnetic field. Parents coming home unexpectedly to find a raging kegger in their living room.

While that alien experiment obviously failed when Alistair dropped out of school two weeks before graduation in order to nurse the herb garden in his “mother’s” kitchen window, the aliens have had at least a few hundred light years to modify and improve their teenage decoys.

They walk among us, Mr. Mueller. I am urging you to do something about it now, before it is too late.

Sincerely,

Lucinda