>Belly Up
>Like most conversations, it began so innocently.
“I really want to go to the gym four times a week,” Hubs said the other day. “That is my goal.”
“That’s a great goal,” I agreed. “I’d like to do that, too.”
“I mean, we both need to lose weight,” he said. “We need to just stop talking about it and do it.”
Um. Did you just hear a needle scratch here?
We need to lose weight? We?
Speak for yourself, Dough Boy.
I’ll admit that when the topic of weight comes up, I’m likely to be wringing my hands over my frantic desire to lose ten pounds… Why can’t I lose ten pounds? It’s just ten pounds. I’ve got to lose this ten pounds.
But you know what? That’s my business. I don’t want anyone else commenting on it, least of all my husband. And as we continued talking, I’m surprised that buttons didn’t start pinging off of my shirt, because my mental image of myself fully doubled in size.
We need to lose weight was all I heard as he yammered on. We need to lose weight.
Of course, my husband is a sensitive man. Obviously sensing my discomfort, he came up with just the right words to soothe my wounded ego.
“You don’t gain weight like any woman I’ve ever seen,” he said. Your arms and legs have like, no fat on them. Nope.” I started feeling a little better. But the man couldn’t leave well enough alone.
“You gain weight like a man,” Hubs said, sitting back in his chair. “It’s all in your stomach.”
It was all I could do not to run shrieking from the room in search of the nearest full-length mirror.
Instead, I stood there, stone-faced. So this was what the military was talking about when they referred to a ‘shock and awe’ campaign. Hubs’s one-two weight whammy pretty much reduced my self-esteem to a steaming pile of rubble.
Since that fateful day, I’m a different person. I used to stride into a room with confidence. Now, I walk hunched over, protectively clutching my enormous man belly and praying that no one will notice. I guess I just never realized it was there, since my boobs were sort of in the way when I looked down and even my smallest pair of jeans still fits fine. But if Hubs says I’ve got a guy gut, then it must be true. What’s next for me? The beginnings of a moustache? Male-pattern baldness?
At least you’ll know me when we meet. Just look for the skinny woman with the gigantic beer belly.
Fuck.
>Most guys don’t think about what they’re saying when they start talking like that, so he sorta gets a pass here, but I wanna know what you said to him! Does he not know that the best way to make sure he doesn’t get laid is to start talking about your weight? Hmm. Or maybe celibacy is one of his goals, too? ;^)
>I gain weight like a guy too lol… I guess according to your hubs we should be happy we dont have fat everywhere. The saying goes those we love can hurt us the most. Im sure your hubby meant well though.
>They can’t help themselves, can they? They just keep digging themselves that hole – convienently enough graves are also holes!! Saves time.I’m sure you’re fabulous, Lucinda! Although I must hate you if you still fit into your smallest pair of jeans after Baby. Bitch! 🙂
>I gain weight like a guy too, oddly enough.
>I got the gut and the skinny arms and legs! It ain’t no guy thing if a lot of women gain in the same areas.Women have flabby guts men have pregnant stick out five feet guts!;) I am sure your belly does not look like that!:)
>I feel like a guy…all hunched over and flabby…sigh..I NEED LIPO!!
>Geez! What a lovely thing to be told by your husband! LOL Let me know when you start sprouting ear hairs.
>After reading mooselet’s comment and looking at the tag in my sweats, it occurs to me that I must hate you and your small jeans, too. Starting tonight at 5:00 p.m. And I can only give you until 9:00 p.m. But consider yourself hated. ;^)
>Small jeans. Biotch. Some of us gave up on the before-baby-jeans looooong ago. And if you can pinch even a tenth of an inch I’ll probably throw up. I think you should ask Hubs if he’s gotten any enlargement ads lately…
>Your “gut”(heh, I crack me up)feelings are correct, I can vouch for the fact that Lucinda looks fabulous. Hubs simply spoke himself into an unfortunate corner, there is no beer belly.
>Kick him in the balls next time he makes you feel like that and then tell him to watch his f***ing mouth. “Shock and awe” is no way to treat your lover!Now stand back up straight and ask him to go for a walk around the block after dinner. While you are both out there getting some light exercise together, ask him what type of jewelry he thinks will make up for that nasty comment.
>Ten pounds? Pshaw! You are so much better than that tiny number! Look at you in your tiny jeans – I mean really look! You, mother of baby, look fabulous!
>omg, I’m in the same boat as you. if I gain weight, it goes straight to my belly pooch! at least if it would distribute evenly, I wouldn’t even care about gaining a little weight!! also, I use depillatory on my ‘moustache’, so I imagine how I feel! lol it’s only a matter of time before I need to start trimming my ear hair!!
>ha. I’m with wirewoman on the jewelry. Or at least a lovely pair of shoes. Tell him you need something to make you feel feminine again after such a blow. Otherwise you might just start scratching, belching, and spitting in public…
>Ahahahahaha. Can’t wait to see how Hubs gets out of this one!!! Can I add that I am impressed by how restrained you were? Stone-faced? I’d be running around the house looking for things to throw!
>Lucinda, take him to see “Friends With Money” and he’ll see what happens to the guy who comments on his wife’s eating habits/derriere size. On second thought, uh, don’t. But, maybe you’ll feel better if you see it!You are fab: if DaringYoungMom says so, then it’s true! :-)C
>They just don’t get it. They cannot win with ANY comment they may make about weight. Sounds like he needs better training – has he read this post?
>He read this post when only the first two comments were up- He said, “See, it wasn’t that bad… Your readers felt sorry for me.” I said, “You need to look at the comments again!”And I didn’t say small jeans as in Size Small, I said -my- smallest jeans. So no hating, please. 😉
>No hating? Well, shoot. Now what am I supposed to do with my evening? ;^)
>so tell me, does his fat belly fit into the doghouse?
>Oh man. I had a friend whose husband told her something similar, then he tried to make up for it by calling her what he thought would be an endearing pet name: his “little pot-bellied pig”. I think she bit his nose off after that.
>Men=Pigsenough said.besides, you can point out that you have brought forth his off spring and that should be enough!!oh what an asshole!! sorry I am pissed at men right now (just finished the thesis which was very nerve racking for me.)why is it that guys never realize the impact that they have with the stupidest little staements? I had this discussion with MY once. he couldn’t understand why girls were so self concious. I just let him know that no matter how nice someone looks there is always someone they think looks better and that’s why stupid bullshit comments can cut tothe quick. Grrrrr….. aaaaauuuurrrrggghhhhhh!!!!!OK, I am done now.
>I’ve got a man belly, too. I always wanted to be pear-shaped. Alas, I’m a caramel apple on two stick-legs.
>Oh Lucinda – I feel you. For SEVEN years my husband managed to not insult me with the weight thing…until last week.I referred to us both looking fat in a recent pictures and he AGREED with a “yeah, WE DO.”I’m hunched right beside you. Pass the chips and the beer.
>Oh man.I would have killed him.Killed.Him.My husband doesn’t say I need to lose weight he just says (constantly) that I need to work out. Uhhhhhh…. Isn’t that the same thing?Yeah. We argue about this quite frequently.And. I cannot picture you with a beer belly . I just can’t.Therefore, It must not be true.
>You are so getting flowers and dinner out tonight. ;?)
>Oh crap, that was funny…Since I’ve seen your pretty little self, I can tell you with authority that you are a drop-dead-gorgeous-very-thin -woman-bellied woman. Men just like to be on a “team”.
>I see a new purse in your future. That’s what my friend bought herself every time her Hubby made a dumbass remark. And we’re talking Louis Vuitton Baby.
>L – Wanna borrow my nose hair trimmer?(Belch. Scratch. Snort. Hack.)Ridiculous!Maybe you should set the dog on him.
>Men are so sensitive that way! Remember this – it probably makes him feel better to assign the need to lose weight to you too. Ten pounds is not a lot Lucinda. You had a baby not that long ago! Sheesh! Ignore the hubs.
>Well at least Hubs knows exactly what to say when he doesn’t want to get laid for 3 months.
>Yikes! Well at least you’re not me, gaining weight like a pregnant woman when I’m um, not pregnant.
>Am I the only guy on here? Yes? Well, ok, then allow me to apologize on behalf of a fellow member of our gender. Don’t know how your hubbie could let those comments spill out. Has he learned nothing? When my wife asks me if her ass looks fat in a certain pair of jeans, I don’t even need to look up before answering, “no, honey. You look awesome in those jeans.” It’s part reflex. It’s part survival instinct.
>The fact that you showed enormous restraint by not putting your foot up his ass, has me applauding you, Lucinda. Well done. And the next time he wants to climb on top of you and get frisky, just tell him not tonight. You don’t want the friction of both of your man gut’s bumping together.
>Oh geez, that sounds exactly like my husband! And everytime he loses a pound and I don’t he brags about it. It makes me want to shove a candy bar down his throat as I giggle hysterically. Welcome to DotMoms by the way. I look forward to reading your posts both here and there.
>Ah…as I describe my mother….A watermelon on 2 toothpicks…Look what you have to look forward to!! 🙂
>Oh no he di’n’t. I’m new here, but I’ll totally kick his ass for you!I’m with Kelly – the Mister is always telling me that I “need to work out,” which I believe is man-speak for, “you’re fat,” which in certain dialects sounds a lot like, “I never want to get laid again.” It’s a beautiful language, really.
>Aww that’s not very thoughtful of him! Guys never think before they speak anyway, and I bet your perfect in his eyes and he’s just too chicken to lose weight by himself so he has to drag others to the gym too, even when they don’t need it.
>I munched away happily on a donut while reading this. The neighborhood kids use my belly as their bounce house.This entry reminds me I have a draft in the wings about REAL Milfs. I gotta finish that.Confidence is sexy, baby. Cover the rest with a t-shirt.Otherwise get a pin-up of some hot poolboy and let your husband discover it between the sheets. Then he can take his “WE-iner” to the gym.
>Dang, I pegged Hubs to be smarter than that!Once when we were out to eat, Foreigner pointed out the “Lite Fare” side of the menu. I really thought I was going to stab him in the eye with my fork.
>OMG! I don’t know what to say. If it makes you feel better, my 10 lbs is in my belly. Yes, I measured for some Old Navy pants and my “waist” was bigger than my hips. How the hell am I supposed to find any clothes? I suck it in ALL THE TIME. I do 100 crunches a day. I lost ONE inch.Maybe I should just stop eating and drinking altogether!
>Yeah, yeah, yeah…share something I DON’T live with every single freakin’ day. HA!But, seriously, beer bellied women could be a new trend. Think we could start it? If stupid low-rise, show your crack-ass jeans are over with, why can’t flabby tummies be the next big thing? I might FINALLY be in style!
>”I know of a real quick way for you to lose some weight, honey. Let me just go and get that lug wrench and we’ll have those nuts right off! It’s not like you’ll be needing them again.”
>You are funny…Don’t those weight comments just suck…My mother is the Queen of them…
>oh my god. i’ve been up all night and this just made me laugh so hard my eyes watered. only i had to hold it inside so the dogs wouldn’t hear and start barking.