Beware the Flying Crotch
I caught a cheerleading competition on television yesterday while I worked out at the gym and was totally awed by the athleticism of those little tarts. Tiny young women were repeatedly flung up into the air like rigid plastic dolls, twisting into flips and somersaults before landing on one perfectly balanced tennis shoe atop some dude’s outstretched palm, brilliant smiles plastered across their faces.
It occurred to me that these girls really don’t get enough respect. Being a cheerleader is hard. I know because I was the world’s worst one of them, and I still bear the scars. Emotionally, anyway.
I mean, I did okay with the actual leading of cheers, but stunts? Oh girls, please. When I made my school’s junior high squad, I was expected to be a base, allowing the smallest members of our squad to climb up and stand on my shoulders. To me, this seemed to fly in the face of the laws of nature. Because if someone came up to you and asked if they could climb up your body and stand on your shoulders, you’d say no, right? Your self-preservation instinct would kick in, just as mine did. And so….
“I don’t think this is going to work,” I hedged when instructed to lunge and let little Marci put her nasty shoes on me. “I mean, she weighs just ten pounds less than I do.”
“That’s not an issue,” our dyed blonde sponsor snapped, putting one hand on her tracksuit-clad hips. “You should be able to hold twice your body weight on your shoulders. I read it in the manual.”
With the other girls glaring at me, I reluctantly agreed to give it a try. Four cheeleaders surrounded us as Marci scrambled from my bent leg up to my shoulders. The rubber soles of her athletic shoes scraped against my skin, and I felt my spine twist as visions of scoliosis danced in my head. Oh hell to the no. I was so not going to end up in a back brace for this. Instinctively, I crumpled to the ground and Marci fell on her face.
“I’m sorry,” I gasped, writhing on the floor in pretend pain as the other girls surrounded Marci. “I can’t.”
From then on, I was the gratuitous cheerleader in the front of every stunt, lying perkily on my side or my stomach with my feet up in the air, grinning the secret smile of one who knows she’s escaped lifelong back problems and the imprint of size two track shoes that have seeped from her shoulders into her very soul.
What I hadn’t taken into consideration at that point was the pep rallies. That’s where all the cheerleaders from junior high on up to varsity got together and built one massive megastunt. I may have been a base on my squad, but once the high school girls entered the picture, I was definitely flier material. And that, as far as I was concerned, was even worse than being a base.
I had watched plenty of times as other girls climbed precariously up to the top of a ten-foot-tall conglomeration of girls, only to teeter off within seconds of standing. Of course, there were always spotters standing around, giving the appearance that they would catch the fliers if they fell. But when one did come hurtling toward them, the big haired spotters all instinctively gasped and took a step backward, watching as the flier landed squarely on her ass. Or her arm. Or her head.
“Omigod, like are you okay?” They’d ask as mascara-blackened tears trickled down the flyer’s face. Then an argument would begin over whose fault it was, generally ending with the conclusion that I had caused one of the bases to trip by purposely lying too close to the stunt. Funny how that worked.
But I digress. As we prepared for our first pep rally, it was decided that I would do a “shoulder sit” on a girl named Katy. Now shoulder sits I could handle. All I had to do was step up on Katy’s bent leg and then swing my other leg around to sit on her shoulders. No problemo.
But this shoulder sit was different. Instead of climbing, I was told to run toward Katy, grab her shoulders, and launch my body into a sitting position on top of them. Gamely, I ran at her and jumped, ending in an awkward piggyback, one leg up over her shoulder, the other dangling near the ground.
“Try it again,” Ray-ann instructed. She was the varsity captain and I was afraid of her.
I tried the jump a few more times, only managing to land it once, at which point I immediately fell backward and ended in a handstand, with Katy holding the tips of my shoes to keep my head from hitting the floor.
“Hey, this looks sort of cool, right?” I said from my upside down position. Ray-ann sneered.
“You need to run harder, Lindsay,” she said as I got back on my feet. “You need to, like, actually try.”
Narrowing my gaze, I backed up a few extra feet and sprinted toward Katy’s impossibly skinny frame. Leaping high into the air, I pushed down on her shoulders with all that was in me. My crotch slammed into her head.
“Gauuuggghack!” Katy shrieked, her body snapping forward.I landed on my feet, Katy face first between them.
“Oops,” I whispered. “I am so sorry.” Beneath me, Katy’s body shook as she quietly sobbed.
The varsity cheerleaders surrounded her. I couldn’t have chosen a worse target. Katy was our school’s quintessential girl next door, a doe-eyed teenager whose popularity was based on her sweetness and frail femininity. She sat up and cried helplessly, her forehead pressed against her knees. A few of the other cheerleaders looked over at me with murder in their eyes.
“Well, at least we know she’s not paralyzed,” I said, trying to be helpful.
“Just go away!” Katy moaned.
And that’s what I did. I left that practice feeling like Sarah Palin at a NOW conference. It was the first and last time I allowed my crotch to be used as a weapon.
Which is why I urge all of you to give cheerleaders the respect they deserve. Who knows how many of them have been the victims of flying crotches, inattentive spotters, or track shoe scars? Probably all of them. It is totally possible that Katy uses a walker today because of me and my errant crotch.
And for that, I will never forgive myself.
>my fave cheerleading memory is the girl on the top of the pyramid who got beaned in the forehead by a football in the middle of a varsity game. it’s true I saw it…er…from the stands..er where I was sitting with my friends…er BAND mates 🙂
>And band, I’m sure, had its own set of hazards. Those tubas are nothing to sneeze at!
>I so cannot relate, being a total dork in high school. But I’ve memorized Bring it On, so I sort of know what you mean. Yup. I’m super cool now, huh?
>OH, how things have changed. My daughter is a senior and a varsity cheerleader. Let me tell you, these girls WORK. Their competitions these days consist of cheering, a dance routine, and stunting. They get extra points for difficulty (cringe) and every single girl on the squad must have her back handspring and all that stuff. They practice 5 days a week after school for three hours. My dd’s forearms are covered in black and blues, and the other girls are total bitches, but she loves the sport. I’ll send you a YouTube video of them one of these days 🙂
>Wait. Are you saying my flying crotch wasn’t work? Because I’m telling you, the flying crotch is not easy!And we did dance routines, too! I even choreographed one, to an NWA song. Boy, that went over like a lead balloon.
>I can’t stop laughing…I was a varsity cheerleader, and I too had my share of crotches used as deadly weapons. During one particularly exciting football game, I was the flyer in an extended suspended split- the one where one girl is up in the air in a full split (me) with one girl holding each ankle (let’s say Suzy and Sarah)and a third ( We’ll call her Dumbass) in the middle for my hands…Dumbass, in all her excitement WALKED FORWARD to cheer to the crowd as I rolled forward, dangling by my ankles. A dislocated hip is nothing to laugh at…well, unless you hated me in high school, in which case, you probably laughed.
>It’s hard to pretend I am working when I can’t stop laughing. I’m supposed to be working with un-funny numbers and my co-workers are looking at me funny now!
>Oh yes. Another flying crotch veteran here. We also did a orthopedic-friendly little stunt called ‘knee-drops’, anybody remember those? My mis-matched patellas certainly do!My favorite cheerleading memory? The time the hot 6’4″ captain of the opposing basketball team that I had been openly flirting with during the game dove for an errant pass and landed smack on top of me– I was on the receiving end of the famed flying crotch that time.Wasn’t bad….
>I just snorted coffee into my nose laughing so hard.Nice mental image Lindsay. Thanks for that.
>I knew it was gonna be funny the second I saw the title, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the snort-laugh-inducing mental image.Poor Katy. *snort*
>Ooh Autumn, I had forgotten about those extended suspended splits. We did those, too, and the most hated girl on the squad always had to be “the butt”- the one who held the flier’s rear end in the air. Another job that defies the laws of nature. Why was I a cheerleader again?
>omigod, this is, like, your funniest post ever! While I was interested in cheerleading in high school, I decided to turn my focus on other less dangerous sports like soccer and volleyball (riiiggghhhtt). The decision maker was when I noticed that all 10 varsity cheerleaders were in at least one knee brace and I think more than one had suffered a concussion!
>Man, this just makes me feel so good about my decision to be a metalhead in high school. The only crotches flying at my face were on the Guns ‘N’ Roses posters in my room. 🙂
>ummmm, i just laughed out loud reading that! hysterical!!!great meeting you in person yesterday!ps – after i posted today my hometown friend linked the “fire” story to her blog and included a high school cheerleading picture of me… i cringed when i saw it! just painful to see!!
>Boy this makes band seem cool – or at least relatively physically injury free…but my nieces do competitive cheering and the stuff they do is crazy! They actually had a parent team last year – my SIL runs the gym – and yes, I cheered. And herniated a disk for my efforts – but it was a helluva roundoff, I tell ya.
>OMG… this is the first time, in a long time, that a blog has me seriously laughing out loud. I think I may have woken my napping toddler! Thanks!
>My daughter is a gymnast and so I spend a lot of time in a gym(where they also have cheerleading classes) both types of athletes are insane! The things they do with their bodies is amazing. I bought my daughter a poster that says I run like a girl, I jump like a girl and I flip 6 feet over a 4 inch beam like a girl. The same could be said about cheerleaders except I flip 6 feet over other girls!
>I just laughed so hard my co-workers are staring. They tried to get me to be a male cheerleader back in high school but something mentally pulled me away. I saw the guys that took one of the spots that would have been mine and thought to myself, “wow, their standards are a little low. I really could be down there.” Then they dropped one of the varsity fliers on her face….during a pep rally. Needless to say, I’m glad I wasn’t down there with them.
>I am also in awe when I come upon those competitions on tv and drive my family nuts as I insist we watch it and endlessly explain to them how difficult those moves are and how they are just as athletic as my two soccer/ basketball/ softball daughters are…yet somehow, before I know it, I’m left to watch by myself which isn’t too bad as then I think back on my own cheerleading days (which were not as rosy as I like to remember them according to my mom!!). I know I could NOT do what they do today…they do defy odds w/those stunts!!
>Yep. Reading this made me really glad I was a choir geek. I just had bad outfits and groping baritones to worry about.
>Lindsay-I am laughing my head off!! So funny!!
>Lord, how many folks have you damaged with that errant crotch?This was so freakin’ funny.
>You are so freaking hilarious!BTW, I never even learned to go a cartwheel! My over-protective parents told me I’d land on my head, break my neck, and end up a quadraplegic in a wheelchair for life. I was maybe 9-years-old! I’m not scarred for life or anything…
>HAHAHAHA My children do allstar cheerleading and they do all those things you see on TV and more.17 year old http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzkMyprp_RcThe 9 and 14 year old.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t9JbeIfrksA&feature=channel_pageHope someone enjoys!! Lindsey I could find you a gym close to your house. There are quite a few good gyms in Nashville. (We actually were just there last week for a competition at the Gaylord)
>I laughed so hard because we did those exact mounts to stand and sit on shoulders! We had times when people just could NOT jump onto someone shoulders or a base didn’t have the arm strength to get someone on their shoulders. I can totally picture it and I bet I could still stand on someone’s shoulders! Of course I did a cartwheel last month and sprained my thumb so maybe not!I LOVED cheerleading – the yelling, the routines, the football games, the cute uniforms! I watch the competitions whenever I see them on TV.
>Glad my daughter is the tuba player for the band. We’re band geeks here. 🙂
>haha i was so one of those flyers who ended up being dropped…constantly…i think it was probably a conspiracy against me huh???
>LMAO here. Sorry, not at you or Katy…but the story’s a hoot. A former cheerleader I know here related a story that when she was teamed with her Hawaiian partner — a male cheerleader named “Nob” — they had a throw and catch routine. Namely, Nob would throw Lois, with the objective of catching her. At a rally, Nob threw Lois…right into the bleachers, scattering laughing and shrieking students.But yeah…I always liked cheerleaders. Especially the ones I dated 😉
>My favorite was while kneeling between cheers during a basketball game ( we were in the auxillary gym and you had to kneel so the spectators could see the game!), the ref, who was running backward, tripped and landed with his butt square on my head… so more of a “falling crotch”- not oone of my better moments- although, my Paul Mitchell Freeze and Shine, satellite dish bags held up quite nicely under the abuse!
>I wanted to be a cheerleader badly, but was told by our sponser that I would never be as good as my sisters. Now looking back I think I got a pretty good deal. 🙂
>Cute story. But, you referred to the cheerleaders you watched on TV as “tarts.” You do know what that means, right? 😉
>You’re miles ahead of me in the agility category…I could barely do a somersault. My mat routine for my final in PE was a laugh riot, let me tell you.
>I was never in better shape than when I was a *cough*substitute *cough* cheerleader. (The flier got mono, so I did actually get to cheer for most of the season.)The best was the full-on cheerleader brawl we had with a neighboring district. It was such a typical girl fight…the ponytail pulling, the slapping, the coaches and parents… They even called the cops. It was awesome.
>You are so funny, I look forward to reading you each and every day! My daughter left this morning in her uniform (game day) but the top was a little hard to get on OVER HER CAST… when the flier lands on your wrist, and you’re in the wrong position that wrist will break! Seriously.. I had no idea how hard those girls worked until my daughter made the squad this year..she leaves the house at 7am for school and never gets home until 6:30 or later.. each day there’s either a practice or a game during basketball season. Until she broke her arm (limited activity now, obviously) she was in the best shape of her life due to the constant exercise. She looks and feels great… and we both laugh at the ‘girl drama’.I love your blog.. thanks for the laugh this morning.
>HA! I can’t stop laughing – you are so right!I was also expected to be a base, because you know at 115 lbs I was much to heavy to be tossed up in the air. So I had the pleasure of standing perfectly erect with tennis shoes digging into my shoulders, while yelling a ridiculous cheer with a fake smile plastered on my face.Maybe that is why I have shoulder and neck issues…
>OMG I am cracking up over here… I was also once a flier, but they couldn’t keep me from shrieking every time they boosted me rapid-fire into the air, and so that was the end of that. I was happily a base after that!
>I never cheered because, well, because I hated those biotches. But, I took gymnastics, tap, jazz, etc. for 12 years. Yep, it’s raining and here I sit almost 20 years later and my ankles and wrists still scream at me, “what the hell were you thinking?”.I thought briefly about enrolling my own girls in gymnastics recently. I was snapped back to reality when the coach started talking about my 8 year old needing to loose a few pounds and dieting, blah, blah, blah… Then it occured to me that unless I was absolutely certain the kid had gold in her future then I would be absolutely insane to set her up for a future of joint pain and arthritis like I have…
>As a former high school dork, one of my great fears is that my girls will grow up to be cheerleaders. I’ll have no flying crotch stories to share with them.
>Too Funny!! I was a band geek, so I just had to chime in about the dangers of field show. I was a colorguard (flag team) member; and I sent many a band member running away in terror.Danielle
>oh god yes! I cheered throughout middle and highschool. That is until pot smoking and skipping school was more important during my senior year!I still can feel the kaepa’s digging into my shoulders and neck. Leaving long red hickey-type marks. Also, the girl who was sitting on my shoulder’s nether regions stank so bad I had to hold my breath. Oh, and being a spotter to a girl in a shoulder stand. Were at a home game and she pisses herself and it flows down her legs and feet to her base. OMG, cheerleading is tough and at times nasty!!! But I did enjoy it!
>OMG!!! That was so funny. I’m crying I’m laughing so hard. I was a varsity cheerleader for a competition squad (we placed 7th in the nation!!!). This brought back so many memories. Cheerleading is a contact sport! The flying crotch, the sprained ankles and wrists, the tennis shoe bruises, all of it. And I would do it again if I could. I remember getting ready for competition, one of the fliers came down wrong and totally flashed the parents! We had to stop the routine we were all laughing so hard!
>just found you through afterthebubbly.com. I LOVED THIS POST! I was a hockey cheerleader. Yes, we cheered on ice and none of us were professional skaters. It was a nightmare.
>OMG! Seriously, I was crying from laughing so hard! Why, because I was that Katy in my high school cheerleading squad. Oh, the memories, sweet…painful memories! I was a base, at 5’9″ and the tallest girl, I knew I’d never fly, so base I was. Plus, after hauling hay on the farm for 15 years, I was strong and could handle the throwing of the tiny ones. But the pain was from the shoe “hickies” during stunts and when flyers didn’t keep their elbows tight to their bodies! I now have a deviated septum from a broken nose caused by my flyer’s elbow. I loved it so much, but I swore to kick her scrawny butt if she didn’t learn to tuck her elbows next time!
>I just cracked up at this post! My daughter is a high school cheerleader (freshman). I picked her and her friend up on day from practice and they were laughing as they got in the car. I said “ok share what is funny”? So they went on to tell me that my daughter was spotting a girl in gymnastics (that they have to take) and she was lets just say not shaved. My daughters friends said it was similiar to chew baka from Star Wars. I did not even know how to respond to that! I laughed and thought hmmm was that the mom thing to do but I couldn’t help it.
>This may be quite possibly one of the funniest things I have read in a long time! I am sitting at my desk laughing hysterically at my computer. Thanks for helping this Friday along!
>This was hilarious!!! Even though I was once the victim of a scoliosis backbrace (I realize in typing that statement you might have stopped reading this altogether, but if in fact you’re still with me, I have quite the story about it: http://mrandmrshaynes.blogspot.com/2008/12/three-eyed-back-brace-cool-girl.html), I thoroughly enjoyed this post. You’re a great writer! :)Meredith
>I am laughing so hard I am crying! Both of my girls have cheered, so I tried to read this out loud, but could not get all the way through…they had to read it themselves.Thanks…
>So funny! I gave a girl a bloody nose in practice. We were not spaced enough apart and I was trying to be extra sharp when I did a side arm, "Push back the Tigers" Just found your blog. Very great.