Big Baby

As Baby choked on a meat stick today and regurgitated a pungent mixture of chicken and creamed spinach all down the front of my shirt, I began to meditate on why she’s got it so good and I… don’t. Not only does she have someone to follow her around all day and clean up her messes, she also has roomfuls of stuff designed merely to make her easy living even easier. Well, I’m sick of it. Hey, baby gear designers- What about making my life easier? Here are a few ideas to get you started…

Big Bjorn Bouncer: Baby spent much of her first year comfortably snuggled in a Baby Bjorn bouncer, much like the one you see here. Ergonomically designed for her big Baby butt, the Baby Bjorn Bouncer worked its mojo on her- She rarely cried and spent hours smiling up at us from her little Swedish comfort zone. But why should Baby have all the fun? Ladies and Gents, I propose a Big Bjorn Bouncer… a gigantic bouncer for the kid in all of us. Cheaper than a Barcolounger but twice as comfy, the Big Bjorn Bouncer will have you snoozing in front of the Disney Channel in no time!

Onesies for the Rest of Us: Onesie, I bow to you. You work well as a foundation piece underneath cute little jeans and a jacket- yet you also look great on your own. You epitomize the concept of “day-to-nightwear.” That’s why I’m formally requesting that Carter’s make onesies in adult sizes. I could definitely use a few t-shirts that stay tucked in. In fact, if I could find a three-pack of long-sleeved black turtleneck onesies, I’d be in really good shape. Mr. Carter? Are you listening?

And Speaking of Fashion, Hey Calvin! Ralph! Tommy! Baby Fat is In! Awwww, look at that adorable double chin! I just want to pinch those little fat legs! Look at those dimples in his arms! That round little belly is so cute!
No, I’m not talking about your baby. I’m talking about your husband! Baby fat is in! And so are bald spots! Whoopee! Short? Fat? Bald? Georges Marciano wants you for his next ad campaign!

Big Boppy. Admit it. You used the Boppy for things that had nothing to do with your baby. And so did your family. Big Boppy will make everyone happy. Baby will have her Boppy. And so will y’all.

Sippy Cup for Men. It works like a sippy cup, but it has man things on it, like golf clubs or footballs or a “Pabst Blue Ribbon” logo. Put an end to your husband’s messy malt liquor spills with the Sippy Cup for Men!

The Wiggles Uncensored- Director’s Cut. Ever wondered what Anthony’s Hot Potato really looks like? Put the kids to bed early and let Captain Feathersword show you what really happens when you push the second button.

These are just a few of my ideas. If you have more, I’d love to hear them- I’ll add them to the list. We could change America here, people! Get on board!