>Brace Yourselves! It’s a Three-Way!
>I always thought Susie Sunshine would sound like Lauren Bacall.
Chicly domestic, with a freshly pressed vintage apron and perfect hair, she’d talk to me breezily on a rotary phone while holding a martini and kissing her husband hello as he walked through the door.
Last night, my image of La Sunshine was blasted to smithereens. It turns out the real Susie is ten times better.
“I’m out on the porch, where I can get some privacy,” she confided to me over the phone in a girlish voice. Yes, Susie Sunshine sounds girlish, in a good way. She has the tone of a well-educated best girlfriend, shyly confiding to you late at night that she has a crush on Ricky Schroeder. You hear her speak and instantly want to carve your names into a tree together, along with the initials B.F.F.
Lisa from Niihaus is another story.
Many of you have heard her sweet Southern drawl in the audio clip she posted a few days ago. Just imagine that melodious voice saying, “You never know when you’re reading a post that says ‘I don’t like apples,’ whether they mean ‘I don’t like apples ’cause the skin gets stuck in my throat,’ or whether they mean, ‘I don’t like apples, so fuck y’all motherfuckers if ya do!”
Lisa is the girl who’d close down the bar with me and then climb a fence in heels to drink beers in the cemetary.
Not that I’ve ever done anything like that.
Anyway. I got to hear both of these lovely voices on the phone last night in the first ever Niihaus-Underpaid Kept Woman- Suburban Turmoil Three-Way!
Three way phone call, people! Get your minds out of the gutter!
It actually started, as many three-ways do, online…
7:54 PM
me: Um. Hi? I feel dirty.
theunderpaidkeptwoman: Hello there! Not dirty, this is great. I chat with my friend in Paris this way all the time. Free, baby!
me: did you just call me baby? I’m archiving all this, you know!
theunderpaidkeptwoman: I’m drunk.
me: Hey, how do I get Lisa in the same chat box as you? She’s appearing in a separate box.
theunderpaidkeptwoman: oooh my didn’t know that would happen. fuck fuckety fuck fuck
me: Yeah. I told you I felt dirty.
theunderpaidkeptwoman: I didn’t realize this was a monogamous chat thingy
me: We need a room or something.
theunderpaidkeptwoman: Damn it too hell.
Meanwhile, Lisa was typing in a separate chat window…
niihaus: I think I’m lost in gmail land. Are you guys chatting?
me: Hi! How do I get you and Susie on the same thing?
niihaus: Like I have any idea??
me: Susie doesn’t know either. And she’s DRUNK. All she can do is curse a blue streak.
niihaus: And I’m missing it.
me: It feels weird doing two people at once.
niihaus: Sure it does my dear. But it gets easier after the first time ;-)) You just have to figure out who’s on top.
me: Ha! Didn’t we already establish that Susie is?
niihaus: yes. Yes. Susie should be on top! HA!
It was soon decided that Lisa would put both of us on a conference call. Bless her. Because we had a hoot. We talked about everything you can think of. These women? Who are so funny online? Are even funnier on the phone.
One of the main topics of conversation was the BlogHer conference. No, none of us are going. And while a lot of my favorite people will be there, reading the workshop schedule just made me feel like a big loser. Monetize my blog? Learn how taxonomies and folksonomies can give me an edge? Decide whether the Web is a feminine construct? Forgive me, but I would be the one face down on my keyboard in the back of the room, drooling. Or giggling with Kristen or Karen Rani and being asked to leave.
Yes, I’m a little envious that so many of my blog friends are going and I’m not. And I’m sure it’ll be a pure and utter blast. But Lisa and Susie Sunshine helped me realize that it’s not so much the conference I’m craving as it is the gettin’ together. I mean, what if we all met somewhere and just… drank? For an entire weekend? And threw in some shopping and maybe a museum tour to boot? I would totally be down with that. Wouldn’t you?
And one more topic that came up? Hate mail. You guys are so great. You really, really are. Do you know that I’ve never gotten one single solitary piece of negative e-mail? I took that for granted until last night. I can even count the “negative” comments I’ve received on one hand, and none of them were that bad- I think all of them had a point and weren’t seriously intended to hurt my feelings.
The point is, I could not believe that both Lisa and Susie have gotten mean e-mails from readers. Seriously, what kind of a person would write a mean e-mail to either of these women? It’s so rude and evil. That shit’s gotta end.
We talked for more than an hour before I had to go and put the baby to bed. But I think we should do it again some time. I’ve even promised my husband that next time, he can watch.
>Hi Lucinda…I’ve had to change names and blogs, to do a …..ummm…security issue. Yea, something like that. Anyhow, I used to a Krazzee sort of fruit, but now i’ve changed food groups. I can be found at pickalish.blogspot.com, and I know all about ugly hate mail. =(
>No, no! I think that’s why most of us are going to BlogHer – the gettin’ together bit! Did you see all the “poolside” things and “cocktail” things going on that weekend?? If it were just blah blah conferences blah, I would NOT be going.You should all really reconsider.Kristen and I will totally be giggling at the bar. You should join in!
>Maybe I shouldn’t say this, but I haven’t even thought about the actual conference… just the “getting together…” Oh well. :)And, I get the nicest emails… and nicest comments! Although I’m kind of jealous I never get questions asked of me – like “who’s your favorite movie star…” It seems like everyone gets those. Maybe it’s because I say so much on my blog LOLOLOL.
>Now, I’m sure I’ll get a bunch of trolls that I just said that. Oh well… 🙂
>Well, I know the reason I haven’t gotten hate mail is that I don’t have enough comemntors to HAVE hate mail. HA! Of course, it helps if you DO something to get more comments, which I haven’t bothered to do. (grin)Seriously though, if y’all decide to make Texas your drinking destination, I’d love to take a spin over and have a few ‘ritas with you. That Lisa…now I’m just sure she knows how to have a good time. And, I’m pretty sure you do too, Lucinda. Oh, and no…I’m not going to Blogher either. Sniff…sniff…
>You naughty girl! Three ways and such. *blushing* Hate mail? I’ve gotten a few…3, I think. I just delete them or make fun of them on my blog. I don’t understand the point of sending hate mail. If you’re gonna hate someone, do it out in the open so we can all watch! ;)I’m not going to BlogHer, either. 🙁
>it is so weird 2 think people even take tha time 2 send hate mail at all …buncha twits, u may substiture ur fav vowel.
>Negative emails are sad…I’ve gotten some and then I salk them because they forget I CAN SEARCH THEIR ISP!Ah yes…drinking at the cemetary…that’s what all kids do for a night of fun!
>I missed all the fun – waaaaahhhh!!!
>Sounds like you guys had a fun chat!No Blogher for me either. I saw your husband yesterday, actually I was pretty darn close to him, for a while, and, I almost told him I was your Internet predator.
>Next time…I want to be on the phone! ME ME ME… I WANT IT NOW AND I WILL SCREAM UNTIL I GET IT!!!!!Have thought about blogher…just don’t know if I have time…ToriLove your blog by the way…
>I simply MUST be a part of the next call. Better than a 3-way? A 4-way, baby! I love you 3 too much to NOT be a total joiner! ;-)As for Lisa, one of these days we really WILL have lunch!
>BlogHer? You have to go! Have to!! BlogHer Scholarship at mommybloggers can get the conference paid for! 😉
>I’m so jealous! I was so in love with Lisa’s audioclip, I wanted to hear more!!!I just assumed all you BigWigs would be at BlogHer. Now I’m mad. I’m with Kristen. What conference? I’m just going to see what you all look like. Of course I have a head start with you Lucinda…the skinny chick with the beer gut, right?
>The truth is, if I had money for airfare, hotel and conference fees and if I had someone to handle the kids while I was gone and if I could convince my husband that BlogHer wasn’t going to be like the Star Trek convention that rolls into town every so often, I would totally be there! Totally! I’m telling you, I’m envious. I don’t even wanna think about it, ’cause if I do, I might just cry big fat tears!
>WELL, since I am a lurker i would just LUV to be included in your conversations next time. I will even mute my phone and just sit and listen to ya all with your cute accents. I wouldn’t have anything funny to add anyway. :)I have never gotten a hate anything either. However, I do have comment moderator because if somebody said something mean it would make me cry. Down with blog trolls, DOWN! Mean hideous creatures.OHHHHH, we should hunt all the blog trolls down and put them in 12’s room, they’d get lost under the laundry and never find thier way out. 🙂 12 wouldn’t be home OF COURSE. that would just be silly…
>I wanna party with you people!!I would like to go to Blogher, but it ain’t happening… I have to go to Hawaii instead (insert sob here).
>That totally sounds like fun. Why can’t I be in that convo?!! : )Oh, and this:”I mean, what if we all met somewhere and just… drank? For an entire weekend? And threw in some shopping and maybe a museum tour to boot?”…that IS what I was thinking BlogHer is all about, that’s why I’m going! Shoot, you mean it’s not?Well, I for one wish you were going too. They have childcare; bring the baby, get on the bus.
>FREE? you mean, someone had vonage or something? i’m confused…only a little.my god. i would be terrified to talk to bloggers on the phone. but some of them have asked. i’ve gingerly skirted the issue. yikes!
>I haven’t got any hate mail either, but then on average only three people read me, and I know them, so if they sent me hate mail, I’d have to kick some ass!But getting together to drink, shop and visit. That sounds like a bit of heaven. I’d even drink in a cemetery with you!
>hahaha! It does feel weird to chat with two people at once, especially if they don’t realize it. I always feel like I have to disclose that information up front to both of them. LOL.
>Kristen, at first I thought you were talking about on the phone. I was like, ‘She talks to two people without telling one of them?’ Ha ha!
>3-ways are fun!! The one’s on the phone are alright too! haha 😉
>Who’s sending hate mail to Susie Sunshine? I’ll kick their asses!
>I’m glad you had a conference call, but why wasn’t I included? What am I, chopped liver? What do I have to do, post my telephone number on the internet? And wouldn’t that make for some interesting real-time comments, when the phone rings at 2:00 a.m. and one of those weird guys who only checks out my blog for the picture of Gisele Bundchen asks me whether I have Prince Albert in a can.