>Carpool Court

>INTERIOR: A courtroom formidably outfitted in shades of brown, light brown and dark brown.

BAILIFF: “All rise for Carpool Court!”

ENTER Lucinda from back door as music swells in the background. Something along the lines of Ba dum dum. Ba dum dum DUM! (tick a tick a tick a tick a) Ba dum dum. Ba dum dum DUMMMMM! Lucinda takes her place at the plaintiff stand.

ENTER Diane, an annoying-looking woman in a track suit who has beady eyes that dart nervously back and forth. She has the appearance of being totally guilty.

CAMERA PANS to Doug Llewelyn, standing in the back of the courtroom.

DOUG: This is the case of the Carpool Cunt. The plaintiff Lucinda claims that defendant Diane completely abandoned all carpool duties for a period of three months (the courtroom spectators gasp and tsk tsk), leaving only Lucinda and another woman to take her daughter home every damn day.

MUSIC swells. Ba dum dum DUMMMMMMMMMM!

Enter Judge Fopner, who takes his place at the dais.

JUDGE: You may be seated. The spectators sit as he shuffles some papers in front of him. Now it says here that you, Lucinda, have been taking Diane’s daughter home without any reciprocation on her part since November.

LUCINDA: That’s right your honor. Diane’s father had an operation at the beginning of November and she said she needed to be with him in the hospital for a few weeks. So another mom, Jeannie and I split carpool duties down the middle and took her daughter home every day. After the first couple of weeks, Diane’s daughter told me her grandfather was much better and was in a nursing home for rehab. But I didn’t question Diane when she called each week to say she couldn’t handle carpool- Until last night, when she called and said she and I needed to give Jeannie a break because poor Jeannie has been taking her daughter home every single day since her father went in the hospital. That was when I decided Diane had gone too fucking far.

JUDGE: What did you say to Diane?

LUCINDA: I said the burden had been on me just as much as it had been on her friend Jeannie. And she backtracked and said she knew I had been running carpool too. But it was too late. The damage had been done.

JUDGE: Diane, what do you have to say for yourself?

DIANE: Your honor, my father is a very sick man. He needs me to sit beside him every day during carpool.

JUDGE: But it says here that you’ve been taking your daughter to her weekly orthodontist appointments after school.

DIANE: Well. Yes…

JUDGE: And you’ve been picking her up on the days she’s had track practice.

DIANE: Yes, but…

JUDGE: And why is it that your father is fine on those days, but on carpool days, he can’t be without you?

DIANE: I… I…

JUDGE: And why is it that, according to these papers, you’re always home when the other carpool moms bring your daughter home?

DIANE: Well, I have to come home sometimes…

JUDGE: Judgment in favor of the plaintiff. I hereby sentence the defendant to three months of carpool jail, to be served during all episodes of Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy and Lost.

DIANE: (weakly) Not Desperate Housewives…

Diane feigns swooning as the Judge strikes his gavel. She is supported by Rusty the Bailiff as she stumbles out of the courtroom.

Lucinda smiles grimly as Doug Llewelyn rushes to interview her.

DOUG: Lucinda, how do you feel about the judge’s decision?

LUCINDA: I think justice was served. I hope this is a lesson to carpooling freeloaders everywhere that we moms aren’t gonna take it anymore.

DOUG: I bet the sick father story really threw you for a loop.

LUCINDA: It did. I felt really guilty for being resentful, even though Diane had a long history of last-minute excuses as to why I needed to pick her daughter up most of the time. I finally realized it was time to take matters into my own hands.

DOUG: That you did. (turns to camera) And that’s gonna do it for this episode of….

DEEP REVERBERATING, BOOMING VOICE: Carpool Court!

Music swells: Da dum dum DUMMMMMM. Da dum!