I CAN’T BELIEVE I WROTE THIS
But I did. For Her Nashville Magazine. Another day, another dollar.
Forever Hairless
A few years ago, I read an alarming statistic in a magazine: according to the publication (which, admittedly, was not exactly known for its scientific research), three out of four American women had opted to go completely hairless “down there.”
Three out of four?! I had never heard of such a thing! In shock over my apparent faux pas, I went straight to the drugstore and winced my way through various waxes until I finally came upon my (now discontinued, of course) miracle solution: Sally Hansen’s Painless Bikini No-Wax Hair Removal Brazilian Formula.
It took me a few days to find the courage (not to mention the time) to use it. I won’t go into the particulars, but I will tell you that yes, it was painless. And yes, it did the job it claimed it would do on the box.
But how on earth would I present my, um, self, to Hubs? And what if he hated it? I pondered these questions as I got ready for bed that night, and decided it would be best if I were subtly sexy.
“So, are you sleepy?” I asked as I came into our bedroom.
“Yes.”
“Really sleepy?”
“I’m sleepy.”
“But are you really, really sleepy?”
“I’m not that sleepy.” Hubs seemed confused. Was this my version of a come-on? Because if it was, he sure as hell didn’t want to screw things up.
Awkwardly, I got undressed.
He watched. Then, he did a double take. A real, honest-to-God double take. And then he … he …
Laughed.
HE LAUGHED, PEOPLE.
So I, in turn, did what any woman would do. I yanked the sheet from the bed and covered myself, in one quick, most-embarrassing-moment-of-my-LIFE motion.
“What???” he said, laughing helplessly. “What the … ?”
I feebly tried to explain.
“Wait,” he said once his laughter had subsided. “Let me investigate.”
“No!” I said, anxiously clutching my sheet around me. “Let’s just pretend this never happened.”
And that’s what I’ve tried to do ever since.
Occasionally, of course, the topic comes up among my girlfriends. When I tell them my sad tale, all of them scoff at the three-out-of-four statistic, claiming that it’s simply not possible.
“Besides,” one of my mom friends said yesterday at my daughter’s fifth birthday party, “I’m 40 years old now. I’m sorry, but I’m not going off somewhere getting my you-know-what you-know-whatted.”
Her words reminded me that a few years ago, a good friend of mine not only had gotten her you-know-what you-know-whatted, she had done it permanently, with laser hair removal.
What better time than now, with a beauty column deadline staring me in the face, to get the specifics?
My friend, who asked to be referred to as “Sally April” for the purposes of this story, told me that it took about seven treatments (at about $300 per treatment) to remove all the hair from her hoo-ha. Each treatment lasted about 45 minutes.
The treatment process itself sounded, well, humiliating. Sally would lie down on a padded table in a private room, spread her legs, and allow a nurse to cover The Area in a cold, clear gel. Next, the nurse took what Sally says looked like a dildo with a light at the end of it, and covered each hair follicle with it for about three seconds, at which time she heard a zapping sound.
“My best advice,” Sally concluded, “is to be sure and use the numbing cream ahead of time. Lots and lots of it. There’s an over-the-counter cream you can get, but I didn’t know about it until, like, the third treatment.”
“But it still hurt, right?” I asked. “Even with the numbing cream?”
“It hurt like hell, Sally said. “Oh, hell yeah, it hurts. There’s nothing pain-free about the process. It’s just miserable. But it’s totally worth it.”
“Well, that’s why I wanted to talk to you now, three years after having it done,” I said. “Is it still all gone?”
“I have to shave or wax every once in a while,” Sally admitted. I probably need to do a series of two to three more treatments. But I’m just not down with going through that kind of pain right now.”
“I think what the people want to know,” I asked, in my best Katie Couric interviewer voice, “is if you didn’t shave or wax, would it look really … crazy?”
Sally paused. “Yes. It would.” She sighed. “It would look like I had mange.”
We both started laughing uncontrollably.
“OK, anything else we should all know?” I asked.
“Well, it doesn’t work for people with blonde hair, apparently,” she said. “People who are naturally blonde, I mean.”
“Which is, like, nobody,” I said.
“And they said it doesn’t work for people that have gray hair.” We were both silent for a moment, imagining how sad it was that our mothers were no longer candidates for laser hoo ha hair removal.
We talked briefly about getting a Brazilian wax at a salon and saving a few thousand dollars. Sally had tried that first.
“You have to get on all fours to do that,” Sally said. “And they spread your butt cheeks. It’s invasive.”
“Oh yeah, speaking of,” I said. “You can get your butt hole waxed. Did you know that? I saw it on the list of services at a salon here in town.”
“I don’t have a hairy butt hole,” Sally sniffed.
“I think I’m going to end my column with that quote,” I said.
I don’t think she believed me.
>Did that seriously get published in your local newspaper?? SERIOUSLY? I would die.
>LOL!!!! That was awesome. And I’m going to leave it at that, because I’m guessing nobody wants to hear about my you-know-what.
>Girl, you and I would get along fab in real life!
>Oh, how AWFUL!! Getting on all fours to get a Brazilian? No thank you.
>Hilarious! I was laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes.
>WOW! I was also told “everyone goes hairless now”, both girls and guys. But I don’t think I’d want to endure the waxing or laser treatments….how embarrassing!!
>That was too funny! 3 out of 4 women? No way! Thanks for the laugh!
>About 8 yrs ago I was newly divorced and decided to do something crazy. I could never imagine getting on all fours to get my butt hole and hoo-ha waxed so I took the razor and did it myself. It took a bit of getting used to but 8 yrs later, I’m a pro at it. My man loves it and for some reason things seem fresher..uuhhmmm, down there.I just had a root canal done a couple of hours ago. I’m typing with one hand while the other hand holds a bag of frozen corn to my jaw. I’m also hopped up on percocet so that’s probably the only reason I’m sharing this.I’m sure I’ll regret it tomorrow, but I believe I’ve spelled everything correctly.
>Hilarious. And I loved the ending quote. Getting on all fours for humiliation, not to mention pain, and then I have to pay you? No, thanks.
>That was HILARIOUS! Great article. :)I’ve not had a brazillian…can’t imagine showing my hoo haa like that. Not to mention a regular bikini wax hurts enough.I shave sometimes….but that’s it.
>oh my lord, I can’t believe you actually had that PUBLISHED. But it’s all true, and us girls discuss these things…so I suppose it’s public knowledge, in a way!
>I am honestly blushing after reading that column..oh my goodness!! (And FYI..you can still get that wax at Walmart..or at least you could about 6 months ago.)
>AMAZING.AMAZING!!!I am still very torn on this whole issue. And I too will leave it at that!
>I’m still laughing so hard at that last line, I’m not sure what else I can type!
>I would like to know what establishment lists “butt hole wax” on their list of services?! I think I would leave immediately…
>I have several girlfriends who are bare down there or barely down there. Not me. That stuff scares me!
>oh did i just read about waxing my (as my daughter would say) privacy?? oh, the joy of a bald whoha, but then the absolute agony of hair growing back in. ohhh, i cringe. but i seriously need to wear depends when i read your stuff. not for the weak of bladder!!
>That is just TOO hilarious!
>i stopped cuz it would always itch.
>Could you please review that “Bump it up” hair thingy? Please? I mean, ANYTHING made by a company called Big Happy Hair just has to be good. Right? Alas, my hair is short and curly and not bump-uppable. I need you.
>Loved it.Srsly.
>Zudusu, I ordered a Bumpit for the column (and paid FIFTEEN DOLLARS for shipping!). After literally clicking through about eight pages of “No, I don’t want to add this bridal bumpit or this snazzingit or this whoozit to my order,” I was finally able to submit my order, only to be told that it would take SIX WEEKS TO ARRIVE.So be patient. That was about 4-5 weeks ago.
>Now only did I hysterically laugh out loud while reading this – at work – I forwarded to my co-worker in front of me who also couldn’t contain her laughter. Thank you for a much needed LOL during the day. I read your blog frequently and you often make me laugh, but this one went a long way!!
>Lasering does hurt like hell, but for me it’s worth it.
>Seriously the best post ever! BTW, I shave(will never wax) and have for 5 years and hubby loves it.
>I just can’t get over being creeped out by the totally nude hooha thing… I know that “everybody” does it and maybe I am just unhip (maybe?)- but it just seems really pedophile-ish to me for a man to prefer the look of a pre-pubescent girl, down there. Am I crazy? I guess I grew up seeing that (hair) as one of the physical differences between a child and a woman- so while a littlel hedge trimming, decorative or otherwise is always in order… I just can’t wrap my mind around the totally bald- look. Oh, that, and no way am I getting on all fours and spreading my butt cheeks…
>This is not meant to sound gross, but to all the women that keep saying, “I’d never do that!” — do it, and see what your husband really thinks. I guarantee your …um, life… will improve. It’s not about men wanting you to look pre-pubescent; rather, it makes it look “cleaner” and much more pleasant to be around. It doesn’t have to be bare-down-there bald, but any trimming and/or shaving makes you look like you care about your appearance (to your man, at least). He’ll appreciate it.
>Going through infertility treatment means that everyone in the clinic’s building.. short of the janitor has been in or around my hoohaa. (And at times, when the Janitor smiles at me I wonder…)I cannot imagine spreading my cheeks and having them rip away. I have, however used Nair on my pits once. Once. Awesome article as usual. CeCe
>My husband doesn’t prefer bald, but I do. It feels cleaner and fresher and cooler and that is what matters to me. My first and last Brazilian was the day before I left for my wedding/honeymoon. That was a mistake. Lets just say it takes more than a day for your lady bits to feel like having company. Now I just use a razor…Funny article! But I really think you should go for a Brazilian for your next column 🙂 I am positive that your story would be hilarious!
>Been shaving my undercarriage completely bald since I was 16 or so. I’ve grown it back a few times but now it just looks weird to me. I can shave the whole thing in 3 min or less, you get good at it after a while. And during “that time of the month”? It’s fantastic for cleanup purposes. I love it! But not on a man, that’s just weird. LOL
>I can believe you wrote it.And I’m so glad you did. Hilarious. (“He laughed. HE LAUGHED.”)
>LOL!!!!! That made my day, Lindsay!
>That was hilarious.I bought my husband and I a spa day for our 5 year anniversary. He was down with everything until I had him convinced (and the spa lady went along with it) that he was getting a brazilian. I’ve never seen him get dressed so fast.Is it bad to say I was tantalized by your article, I couldn’t stop reading and laughing! 🙂
>I started shaving about 9 years ago, and the upkeep sucked. My older sister told me about the brazilian wax and I’ve never gone back. Although I don’t need to do the “get on all fours” thing. The growing back hasn’t been an issue with waxing as it was with shaving. Showing a little asian woman my hooha was never much of an issue for me, it’s the OBGYN i dread.
>I’d like to think I had $2100 to blow on pubic hair. At 33, I color my hair to hide the white, silver and plain old gray, but it never occurred to me I might get gray down there too. Rats!Loved the ariticle. In the words of Larry the Cable Guy, “Now that’s just funny. I don’t care who you are.”
>That is soooo hilarious! Loved the last line… I’m going to chuckle all day long over this!Suzanne @http://sugarloafcottage.blogspot.com
>GOOD LORD!!!
>All I can say is…..I shall steer well clear.Cheers
>”imagining how sad it was that our mothers were no longer candidates for laser hoo ha hair removal”Funniest line EVER. I totally snorked my coffee on that one. Oh, and btw? Just as scary a thought to think of gray hoo-ha hair in general. Eek!Thanks for sharing this story, Lindsay. It was very funny.
>Funny Article, my eyebrows are the only thing I care to get waxed by someone else. I do shave and trim my uhmm, my lady part. The results are good for my desired bedroom activities and is something I can reccomend.
>but what about the itching?
>I am laughing HYSTERICALLY!!!!
>Girl – You are friggin’ hilarious.Seriously, hilarious. AND, I’m reading this, laughing out loud, while my 4.5 yr old is putting her socks on my head, computer and on my face.She thinks I’m laughing at her, so she continues. Won’t she be sad when I leave your blog and I am no longer laughing “at her.” *Sigh* Somedays, it’s nice to have illiterate children.
>BEST.POST.EVER. I did do it and I have to say it would only be done ONCE..it hurt like well worse than childbirth let me say.
>i’ve had my eyebrows waxed numerous times, but stopped when i read that it can make the skin there more crepey as you age. i’ve had my upper lip waxed exactly one time, and i almost jumped out of the chair to slap the woman doing it. brazilian? i’ll pass. if my upper lip hurt that bad … thanks for sharing. that was a great post.
>I just had my brows and upper lip waxed last week. First time for the lip. I told the girl, based on the pain during the lip wax, there was No.Way.On.Earth. I would ever experience “The Brazilian.” ‘Nuff said.
>Okay, now I’m not so embarrassed. When I told an online friend that I was going to start dating again, he referred me to a few websites to bring me up-to-date with current trends. I have to tell you, when I saw naked hoo haws I was shocked. But, being in my 50’s I felt I should get with the program. I tried one of the patterns. The only problem with that was that it took away my brown hair, and left the grays.
>I can’t get over the $300 per laser treatment! I’ve done the Brazilian a few times, but I’m too terrified to go back.
>I can’t believe I’m admitting this. I must be too sleep deprived. Anyway, I love to be bare “down there.” Hubby likes it, and it makes me feel sexier, like I have a little secret or something. However, after I had my son I’m too fat to shave it myself, and I’d be more embarrassed to have anyone see my belly and stretch marks than my hoohaa so I won’t have it waxed! Isn’t that sad! Like I said..I must be nuts to admit this.
>pph…that’s nothin’! It’s really not that big of a deal to get a brazilian…more people do it than you would think. I started doing it almost 3 years ago, before I got married and I’ve been doing it ever since. I LOVE IT! You do have to get on all fours at one point, but it’s not for the entire time. Plus, like with your OB/Gyn, you really want to keep the SAME person – that way, you’re not flashing your hoo-ha to any/every Sally in town. I love my wax lady – we have great conversation and I rarely realize what’s happening. Plus – if you go every 4-6 weeks like you’re supposed to, it actually doesn’t hurt. Just my 2 cents….
>You are too funny! I laughed and laughed! So funny but plenty of women are bald there and they don’t think twice about it. I prefer well groomed not hairless.