>I Eat Boredom for Breakfast
>I’m basically a failure at Parents’ Night. I don’t know why I get on my stepdaughters to pay attention in class when I can’t listen to a single one of their teachers drone on for even ten minutes. Instead, I sit in my desk doodling on the syllabus or better yet, staring at the other parents, dreaming up all sorts of personal problems for them (Ebayholic, Swinger, Ritalin addict, PTA fund embezzler, etc.) in a desperate effort to pass the time.
Last night, though, imagination wasn’t required. As my 13-year-old’s Spanish teacher buzzed in the background, I heard it.
PFFFFFFFPPPPPPTTTT.
Someone had passed gas. Loudly.
For a moment, I thought it was probably Baby, who was playing in the aisle beside me. But then I heard it again.
PFFFFFFFFFPPPPPPTTTT.
A wave of nostalgia crashed over me. There is nothing quite like the sound of a fart reverberating against the plastic seat of a school desk. It belongs on the soundtrack to the junior high experience, along with the slam of a locker door, the snapping in of a retainer, and the bus driver’s voice shouting over the screeches of 40 puberty-riddled tweens.
Quickly, I looked to the asses around me for clues. I’m not sure why that was my first impulse. Butts generally tell no tales, particularly after committing an egregious aural faux pas, and the ones I saw around me were no exception. Everyone’s ass seemed extraordinarily still, in fact, as if a lack of movement would make it the unlikeliest of suspects.
The Phantom Pharter struck several more times throughout the evening; Audaciously, he or she followed me from class to class. I’d hear the PFFFFFFFPPPPPTT from various parts of each school room, only to be met with a dozen poker faces when I whipped around.
The Parent Pooter was outdone only by the Maladroit Mama, who reached down to pick up her ringing cell phone during Social Studies and somehow managed to roll right out of her desk and onto the floor. Before I could smother a giggle, another PFFFFFFFPPPPPPT erupted somewhere to my right, distracting me.
“Show yourself!” I whispered angrily at the parents in the aisle beside me, but they only stared in response.
I have another Parents’ Night coming up on Thursday and I can only hope it’s half as interesting as the first.
>OMG, I would have died laughing at seeing someone roll out of the desk and onto the floor, fart or no fart to distract me!BTW, I’m using Firefox, and I’m having trouble viewing your page. The things in your sidebar on the left are covering up the edge of your posts. Has anyone else mentioned it to you or is it just my browser or stupid computer?
>Too funny! I would have been snickering by the second toot for sure! Hey- at least the toots were not stinky.I’m so immature.BTW- I’m on Firefox too. Everything looks OK here.
>Oh my. Perhaps they’re on a new high-fiber diet. Make me think of the parody…http://www.amiright.com/parody/2000s/blackeyedpeas13.shtml
>Tonya, the only way you might have a problem is if your resolution is set at 800×600. Try changing that and it should work okay.
>It’s easy to figure out who the culprit is. Next time follow the golden rule of farts:”The One Who Smelt It Dealt It.”Thanks for giving me a laugh today.
>That was too funny! You reminded me that I have Back to School Night at the end of the month. It’s elementary school so I won’t be traveling from class to class so much. I doubt it will be as “interesting” as your experience.
>Um … it followed you from room to room? Early pregnancy? Just saying …
>Probably the first time EVER that those things happened and the classroom didn’t erupt in cheers.Grownups are just no fun.
>Oh that is TOOO funny!!! I can only imagine…I had problems with your site too, but it was out of nowhere IE just stopped working and the site kept freezing trying to download blog pictures. I had to get firefox and now have no problems. Kind of weird…
>Oh, MAN! I was totally waiting for the punchline that you realized it was YOU!Hhahaha!! Glad to hear it wasn’t, at least…though that would have been a riot! 😉
>Was it really a fart, or were someone’s legs having an issue with the plastic chairs? I wonder if people thought it was you, if your head really whipped around immediately afterward. “That flatulent, 12-year-old trophy wife is trying to deflect attention from herself by subtly implicating others!” I can hear the whispering now… ;^)
>omg..,.. that is hysterical! When I was in high school, some kid went to sneeze during a test… Ah….ah….Ah….PFFFFTTTSTTSSTTT <– fart.
>Uh-uhhhhh!!!! I would have sooo not made it through the first round of gas-passing. Someone fell out of their chair??? Did the ghost of freakin’ Chris Farley show up at this parent night? I’m still laughing….they fell out of their chair!!!!! What kind of idiot falls out of their chair at parent night? (my apologies if you are, in fact, the farting idiot and you’re too embarrassed to confess).
>I didn’t do it! I swear! Although I did start to wonder after a while- “Am I farting and I don’t realize it???” Then, as I was wondering it, I heard it again, and KNEW it WASN’T ME. Seriously, It wasn’t.
>I’m a teacher, and I HATE Parents Night. Not when I’m presenting, but I am with you. I have NO patience for teacher presentations. They all stink at it. They don’t know how to talk to adults.Many don’t know how to talk to kids either. Luckily it’s not too many…
>LOL! Tooter and Farter!At least you were not caught snoring in one of the desks…!
>Nothing that interesting ever happens at the back to school nights I go to.I’m wondering if I’m even going to find out when back to school is night is, seeing as my fourth grader so far doesn’t have any homework, any notes home and any other thing…I wonder if I’m even sending her to school…
>”phantom pharter” = phriceless
>Was the mom who fell out of the desk the one you labeled as ‘alcholoic’?Those of us who couldn’t have helped but giggle at the second or third pfart must not be out of school long enough to br sitting in that desk asthe ‘parent’!. . .
>It was SOOOO you that was farting. Don’t try and deny it. Phantom Farter indeed.
>THAT WAS HILARIOUS!! You never fail to make me spit our my Lactaid milk so early in the morning!! You’re my hero!
>Thanks for the belly laugh!!You know, those pregnancy hormones can play funny tricks on a girl… are you SURE they weren’t slipping past you so quick you didn’t realize it?Or maybe someone downloaded the Phhhhhht ringtone?
>I love the fact that you stare at the other parents and dream up their personal problems. This is one of our favorite things to do at the movie theater when we’re waiting for the film to start. We just pick out random people and make up stories about them. Nice to hear that I can play this game at future parent night conferences also!
>”Show yourself!” lol
>Hopefully the Mad Pharter will be at the next one too!
>Oh My God! Someone has a serious problem. I would have been on the floor laughing. If only my parents night had been that interesting.
>Ooooooo…I have a Parent’s Night coming up.Now I’m going to have to keep a straight face through the whole thing while I’m thinking of this post. 😛
>I’d have laughed out loud after the second one and any subsequent farts. By the end I’d start asking for names and apologies cause dude if you’re that gassy take a walk.
>Laughing my butt off here! You know, when I was in the Navy, I had to attend some training at a Big Government Contrancting Company. It was a class full of Marines, Sailors, and Airmen. I was the only female. One day after lunch, I was feeling gassy, but confident that I could sneak one out without notice. Your mention of the plastic seat brought that memory back to haunt me. I was in a plastic seat, sitting near the back. I could see shoulders moving up and down in front of me from guys trying not to laugh out loud. Oh, the horror.
>If I lived close to you I would so love to go with you! And I’d pay you to come with me to mine!
>This had me rolling!!!”Show yourself!” hahahaha
>MhMMM. SURE you didn’t do it. It was FOLLOWING YOU AROUND. Uhhuu.. :: nods like she believes you :: Suurrereeee. 😉
>How cool!! I can’t wait for my first parents night, they sound like so much fun..!I would be the parent cracking all the weird jokes.
>As usual my dear, you have me roflmao!!
>I thought I was the only one who looked around imagining people’s personal problems. That’s cool that we have that in common! As for the phantom pharter, too funny! That happened when I was in line at the post office once, someone kept on going. I don’t know how I was able to not laugh, especially when my son asked “what’s that noise?” Very loudly. Too funny!
>But how did they react? Did they laugh? Did the classroom inspire 13 year-old behavior in ordinarily proper parents? This is hilarious!
>How did you not bust out laughing is beyond me. It’s those moments where I feel my face turning red and I would’ve had to leave the room. Although everyone would have blamed me at that point!
>Good Lord in Heaven you have got me ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!SNORT