>If Life Were a Prescription Drug Commercial
>”How was school?” I asked my 16-year-old as she walked through the door this afternoon.
“Good,” she said. “But I was so tired. We spent all of Human Geography taking notes and I, like, couldn’t concentrate.”
“Sounds like you need Focalin XR,” I said sympathetically.
“The what?” she replied.
“Focalin XR,” I repeated, “It’s a a once-a-day treatment for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD.”
“Okaaaay,” she said carefully.
I smiled brightly and continued. “The most common side effects of Focalin XR in a clinical study of adults were dry mouth, dyspepsia, feeling jittery, dizziness, anxiety, and throat pain. Other side effects seen with Focalin XR include vomiting, dizziness, sleeplessness, nervousness, tics, allergic reactions, increased blood pressure, and psychosis.
“Why are you telling me this?” 16 asked.
“I don’t even know!” I laughed. I put my arm around her shoulders and said in a confiding tone, “Now, tell your doctor if you have ever abused or been dependent on alcohol or drugs, or if you are now abusing or dependent on alcohol or drugs. Also tell your doctor if you have blurred vision when taking Focalin XR. This could be a sign of a serious problem.”
“Whatever,” she said, before bolting to her room.
An hour later, her 13-year-old sister got home.
“Well hi there,” I said gaily. “Everything go okay at school today?”
“Yeah,” she said. “But I had a stomach ache in third and fourth periods and I almost called you to come and get me, it hurt so bad. It got better, though.”
I clucked with concern. “I think Donnatol might have solved your problem, missy.”
“Donnatol?” she said. “I was thinking TUMS.”
I ignored her and went on. “The most serious side effects from Donnatal are confusion, blurred vision, difficulty in urination, and decreased sweating,” I said, counting each one off on my perfectly manicured fingers. “If you experience these symptoms call your doctor immediately. Take care to stay hydrated, particularly in hot weather.”
“Are you on something?” 13 asked suspiciously.
“Hmm, I suppose it might be the Percocet,” I said, yawning. “Percocet is prescribed for moderate to moderately severe pain. In my case, that pain would be caused by- you guessed it- childbirth. Side effects may include dizziness, light-headedness, nausea, sedation, and vomiting. Whoa!” I stumbled across the kitchen and puked in the sink.
“You may be able to alleviate some of these side effects by lying down,” I muttered weakly, sinking to the floor.
“I’m gonna call Dad,” 13 said, edging around me.
“Good idea,” I said hoarsely. “Remind him to pick up his refills at the pharmacy on the way home.”
>Now THAT was funny.Personally, I prefer vicodin.
>That was hilarious! You have such a gift.And yes, I remember wanting a refill of my percocet too! That’s when I realized I liked the stuff a little too much!
>LMAO! My husband has a love/hate relationship with those commercials. He always says What happened to the good ol’ days when you just took a pill & STFU?
>wait? you had to take pain pills after you had the baby? I thought he was about two weeks old or so? are you ok?i was told to take plain old tylonol after my three…hugs!
>It was a joke. But yeah, here in Nashville, every new mom is sent home with a bottle of Percocet. It’s like a little parting gift from the OB.
>dang that dont give us percocet in “the oc”i wanna move
>Ahhh sweet sweet Percoset.
>Tres funny and amusing! So true, too! There really IS a drug for everything these days. I can see why your kids were freaked out, though… 😉
>AHHHHH!! Percocet!!!! I had some after each of my kids and after a couples days they always disappeared down the toilet “by accident” according to hubby. ROFL!!
>Damn, I’ve always heard that Percocet rocks but I’m just totally unable to keep it down long enough to relish the full effects.Don’t be pulling an Anna Nicole on us now. Keep it simple, no mixing!
>”Mom? Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?”
>SO UNFAIR!!! Nobody ever gave ME any percocet after any of my babies…Sigh. I’m totally and completely jealous. Hey, you’ve already got pain, hormones, bleeding, sleeplessness, why not throw in some wacked-out pain killers?
>ikkk. We are all sent home with tylenol, lol.
>Hahahaaa! Watching a lot of late night TV there, nursing Momma?Ahh. Percocet. It was my friend after the C-section.
>I didn’t even get sent home with Tylenol, they told me to go buy some. A lot of the time, when I hear one of those commercials, I’m just dumbfounded why anyone would take them. The side effects seem worse than what’s its meant to treat.
>How would you rate your meds for Restless Leg Syndrome? 😉
>I had the hardest time kicking the Percocet after I left the hospital. I called my midwife and cried begging for it. That’s when I realized I was hooked. It took about three days to get over it.It’s hard to imagine that you can get hooked on something in just two days.Of course, after number 1, I had a huge tear and was in a lot of pain following my 14-hour labor. All they gave me then was Motrin.This time, I was in labor just 3 hours and didn’t tear at all. I felt awesome after the delivery, but the nurses convinced me to take the Percocet.Crazy.
>Shoot girl, you “stole” my idea ;)I was thinking the same thing this morning as I watched a morning news program and one of the prescription drug commercials came on with a family sitting around the breakfast table “discussing” the merits of, uses for and side effects of a particular drug (can’t even remember which one it was)! I thought, “This is ridiculous! Nobody does that!”You did a much better job of parody that I would have, so my hat’s off to you!!
>go ahead and get some prozac and/or aderol too. ANYONE can get that just for the asking. It’s more popular than M&M’s.
>Too funny! I have always wondered about people that sit around talking about a drug and its side effects and recommend talking to their doctor about said drug and possible abuses! Half the time I have no idea what the drug does, so why would I “ask my doctor if XYZ is for me”???? Perfect parody. Now say that five times fast. Or ask your doctor if you can’t, because maybe you should take . . .
>hahahahahahahaha
>They send you home with Percocet?! They sent me home from C-sections with FOUR tylenol/codeines. FOUR. Cheapskates. I got a refill, though.Maybe they’ll slow down on drugging up the kids after that little four year old OD’d. Diagnosed with ADD and BiPolar at 2 years old, WTF?!!!! ALL 2 year olds exhibit those symptoms, you don’t drug them up!
>Bwahahaha! Brilliant, just brilliant. I adore these commercials, the way the actors are portraying people who somehow have to weave all these potential side-effects into casual conversations. I wish I loved percocet. It just gave me wicked constipation!
>I’m laughing so hard right now! I grew up with a home health care nurse as a mother . . . we had so many stashes of medication in the cupboard that she kept around “in case of emergency!” Because of this I’ve always known what prescription drug works for any malady and suggested them often to friends! I sound just like you, trust me!
>ohmyword. you are TOO damn funny. Watching a bit too much daytime TV are ya?
>I am pretty much against direct to consumer advertising of prescription medications. I spend a tremendous amount of time bringing in patients off the windowsill because I put them on a life-saving medication that has a scary warning on the television ad. Alternatively, I have to explain why I am not putting them on a different medication that is not indicated for their condition.”The guy on the Procrit Ad said it helped his fishing…can I get some?” Only OTC’s should be advertised on TV. However some of the birth control pill chicks are kinda sexy.
>This post. Could cause bladder seepage…. (!)
>excellent