>Listen to Your Inner Bitch
>Months ago, I told you about the woman who’s nice when my husband is around, but rude when I run into her alone. Afterward, I always tell Hubs the catty results of our latest encounter.
“You won’t believe it!” I’ll say. “I saw Joan at the library and she practically hissed at me when I said hello!”
Hubs has always sort of harumphed in response, a kind of harumph that lets me know he’s skeptical. I can tell he’s convinced that it’s some kind of woman thing, a soap opera-style melodrama that only exists in my mind.
At least, that’s what he thought until last week.
“Now I’ve heard it all!” Hubs said after a rec soccer game. “Joan’s daughter was playing on the other team and one of our parents overheard her say my coaching style was sub par. Sub par! What a jerk!”
“I told you!” I shouted. “For months, I’ve told you, and it took some player’s parent for you to believe the truth!“
One week later, when another woman whom I’d always privately suspected had a major drinking problem (normal by day, forgetful and bitchy by night? Hello, cooking sherry!) went into rehab, my suspicions were confirmed.
I have got to start listening to my inner bitch.
I think all women have one. It’s that gut instinct that let’s us know the smiling woman before us is talking about us behind our backs, or that our next-door-neighbor secretly hates our guts even as she pleasantly asks how the kids are doing.
Yet too often, we push our inner bitch to the backs of our minds. “That’s unkind of me to think those things,” we tell ourselves. “I’m going to give Fifi the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure she didn’t mean to tell the PTA board that my bake sale brownies were ‘god-awful.” And even if she did, everyone has a bad day sometimes.
And then Fifi screws us again. And again. And again. And again.
Did you ever stop to think about how often your inner bitch has been right? I’m telling you now, our inner bitches are with us for a reason. I’m sure that some day, research will prove that woman’s inner bitch evolved as a way for prehistoric females to determine which of their friends would pick all of the lice out of their hair for them and which would totally pretend to, and then go and tell all the prehistoric dudes to stay away from skanky-ass lice head over there.
The next time my inner bitch tells me things aren’t what they seem, I am totally going to listen. You should, too. Unless she’s saying something about me. Because I love you, duh!
Okay, now head over to Suburban Turmoil Reviews to check out the contents of a little e-mail I got this morning. Trust me, you’ll be glad you did!
>If you ignore the inner bitch, she gets pissed off.
>Inner Bitch is always SO right. Hubby thinks I’m crazy when someone comes up to me, says something nice, leaves, and then I say something like ” What’s her problem?” I KNOW somethings going on. But sure enough, a couple days or weeks later we find out that behind the smile crazy crap was going down. Inner Bitch knows what she’s talking about.
>Oh YES!!!!! I just had an experience last week! My Inner Bitch is always on point, I really should listen to her more!
>Hmm, my inner bitch is remarkably similar to my outer bitch. I’ve always thought I should work on that, but it sounds like you’re suggesting I’m on the right track. 😉
>Though I don’t always let her speak, I always listen to the inner bitch. You’re right- she’s usually right!
>I agree inner bitches are always right even if your husband looks at you with scepticism mine always says calm down youre overreacting lol. There are ladies he works with that are the same way that one woman is with your hubbs. I will not fake nice back. I think I should name my inner bitch. lol
>just last night I listened to my inner bitch and said something that made someone really really pissed. But you know what? That person is a really unpleasant person and she deserved what I said. In spades. That pine cleaner thing is HILARIOUS. I picked Jason and the rocker outfit with rock music. Completely cracked me up.
>This is SO right on! You nailed it. Why are those hubs so obtuse? I have been through such similar scenarios. Yuck.
>By the way…I linked to your blog because I really like it! Coming out of the anonymous woodwork…
>I didn’t ignore my inner bitch just today. I actually resigned my newsletter editor position because the president is a total bitch and my inner bitch couldn’t deal with her for one more second. I’m listening to my inner bitch more often from now on!!LBC
>Well, congratulations. Life’s too short to deal with that shizzle.
>Oooo… inner bitch is so right. My husband’s close friend’s wife is so bubbly and nice to him but she has this detectable icy, razor edge when she is around me. I don’t trust her.
>My hubby always thinks I should be more charitable towards people when I mention what my own Inner Bitch has told me. Guess what he says when he later learns that WE WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG???????? Muahahahahahahahahaha!!!
>I’m all about letting the inner bitch OUT!!Love your site. Rachael
>Yes, but what happens when the Inner Bitch meets up with the Xtra Pine Cleaning Hunk? WHAT THEN?!(I like to imagine that there would be some bodice-ripping…)
>Everybody thinks I’m a nice girlAnd that’s true Except for one little hitchWhen I’m not being a nice girlI’m Getting In Touch With My Inner BitchSome people have an inner childSome people hear an inner voiceSome people have inner calm Good for them!But me I’ve got no choiceSome people have an inner copSome people hear an inner clownBut I’ve got me an Inner Bitch And it’s hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!I’ll give you an example of My Inner Bitch, here we go:One day I’m walking around in my neighborhood and a disheveled lookingwoman comes up to me and she’s wearing a sign that says,”Please help me, I am so hungry!” so I dig deep into my pocket and I give her a quarter and I say, “Here you go, good luck to you.” And she says, “Oh thanks a lot and God bless!” But as I walk away, I say to myself, I mean My Inner Bitch says to myself, “I don’t think she’s going to usethat quarter to buy food I think she’s going to use that quarter to buy booze.” And her Inner Bitch looks at me and says, “25 cents, thanks a lot you cheap slut!” But we look back at each other and we smile,recognizing the subtle communication our two Inner Bitches have had andit feels good!Some people have an inner childSome people hear an inner voiceSome people have inner peaceWell me I’ve got no choiceSome people have an inner copSome people hear an inner clownBut I’ve got me an Inner Bitch And it’s hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!Ok, here’s another example:I’m standing in line at the bank because I have to cash a check. Finally I’m at the head of the line and one of the two working tellers that day decides she needs to take a cigarette break so she looks atall of us standing in line and she smiles as she walks outside and lights herself a Virginia Slim. She’s having an Inner Bitch moment. My Inner Bitch salutes her but I’m mad because I’m still in line. Finally the other working teller shouts that magic word “Next!” and I slip my $50 check under the bullet proof Plexiglas barrier she looks at it and asks me for identification “C’mon,” I said, “I’ve had an account hersince 1976 just check my name, it’s on file.” So she goes and checks mysignature and she tells me it doesn’t match the one that’s on file I said, “C’mon! It’s only $50, I have to get my dry cleaning” and she says, “Oh? well maybe the dry cleaner will cash your check, but I won’t!” And I realize I’ve been witness to two Inner Bitch moments in the same bank on the same day. What are the odds of that happening?So I get an idea. I say call the telephone number that’s on file shedoes and she hears a recording of my voice telling the caller try my cell phone. “Call my cell phone,” I tell her, she does and the cell phone clipped to my exercise shorts doesn’t ring because the bank’s walls are too thick. Instead my voice mail comes on and the bankteller rolls her eyes and says, “Oh, I’m supposed to be impressed, you have two voice mail accounts on two different telephones. I don’t think so!” And she slips that $50 check back under the bulletproof, Plexiglas barrier. She thinks she has won. Her Inner Bitch starts dancing! But I find the bank manager and I have her dial mynumber, she listens and then she marches me right back to the bank teller and commands her to cash that check! The bank teller’s Inner Bitch stops dancing, My Inner Bitch does the mambo. And the bank manager’s Inner Bitch cha cha’s out to the sidewalk and cuts that Virginia Slim cigarette break short! Ha!Some people have an inner childSome people hear an inner voiceSome people have inner peaceGood for them!But me I’ve got no choiceSome people have an inner copSome people hear an inner clownWell I’ve got me an Inner Bitch And it’s hard to keep that Inner Bitch down!All right you’re not convinced? This will convince you:I’m on hold with the airlines. Sixteen times I’ve heard how important my phone call is to them. I’m trying to track down lost luggage… from a flight that was 5 hours late… due to mechanical problems. What? Oh I know what you’re thinking… you’re thinking this is just one travel cliche piled on top of another and you don’t want to hear this song Well… aren’t we the songwriter critic! You know I could say something about that outfit you’re wearing. Then you could say something about my hair. And then I could say something about this criminal element you seem to be dating… You’ve been married for 21 years to that criminal element? You poor thing! Then you could say to me, well how come you’re not married, I’m married! And, oh, but telling you I wouldn’t advise you to get into this dialogue with me right now, because I’m telling you, My Inner Bitch can kick your Inner Bitch’s butt!Oh, I know there’s a lot of nice girls here tonightBut beware ‘cuz deep insideOr just below the surfaceAn Inner Bitch might hideAnd if you provoke herYou had best stand backOh, you’ll never be the sameOnce you’ve been maimedIn an Inner Bitch attack!Some people have an inner childSome people have an inner voiceSome people have inner strengthGood for them!But me I’ve got no choiceSome people have an inner queenWho’s wearing an inner crownBut I’ve got me an Inner Bitch And it’s hard to keep that… Inner Bitch… down!
>Oh, I like the sounds of that. Embrace the inner bitch! Let’s get that printed on a t-shirt shall we?
>My inner bitch has given up trying to explain itself to hubby.Oblivious. It takes FOREVUH for them to get it.The thing is, it’s because men are usually trusting of the emotions people show them. They never really look past the bubbly facade and over-friendly grins because it would never ocurr to them to do it themselves.Ah, to be so obvious…or maybe that’s just MY husband…
>My inner bitch has given up trying to explain itself to hubby.Oblivious. It takes FOREVUH for them to get it.The thing is, it’s because men are usually trusting of the emotions people show them. They never really look past the bubbly facade and over-friendly grins because it would never ocurr to them to do it themselves.Ah, to be so obvious…or maybe that’s just MY husband…
>I think men are sometimes slow to understand or realize how catty women can be. Just because THEY don’t act two-faced doesn’t mean there aren’t women out there doing it. I can’t tell if my husband is innocent or oblivious. He thinks I overanalyze.
>I had my inner bitch moment at the library today. Some idiot in their infinite wisdom decided that it was time to refinish and repaint the parking lot. And they decided that it would be a great idea to do this durring the day time…just fence off 1/2 the lot at a time.Well this caused all kinds of commotion as you can imagine because our library is well used and loved by all so the already crowded parking lot was overflowing and the drive up book drop was packed by morons who had parked there to go inside instead of book drop.So my inner bitch pulled my car blocking in 3 cars and told DD to run the books to the book drop while I waited there for her. I dared anyone to honk or say something. Then I put my car in reverse and backed out of the parking lot!
>Great post!Doesn’t it suck when you don’t listen to your Inner Bitch and it turns out she was right? I’m totally paying more attention now.
>I totally agree. Like how I totally believe that the one Girl Scout leader is really completely fake and hates kids and talks crap about most of us as soon as she gets home. Or my brother’s wife (I refuse to call her my SIL, as that’s a term of endearment) and how I pray my brother catches her in her vindictive ways.
>Yeah, I’ve got a woman who is nice to me around my husband but then turns into this bubbling cauldron of bile when he’s out of the room. And oh lucky me! She’s my mother-in-law! She hates my guts!
>Thats funny. I call mine kiki. She is smart and sassy. She comes out when i’m driving or in the mall.
>Kiki reminds me of Tawanda. 🙂
>Excellent point, I think our intuitions are a lot more accurrate then many people give them credit for 🙂
>Hooray for the inner bitch! Mine’s been kind of an outer bitch lately, though.
>I think men have a hard time believing that women could be so hateful, because men just don’t do that to eachother. I have a hard time convincing Joe that any girl is not what she seems. ‘Cause she’s always so sweet to him! Duh…
>I’m afraid mine isn’t too inner. She definitely knows what’s what though and if I don’t listen to her I always regret it. Meanwhile, don’t you just HATE when your husband needs to hear info from someone else to believe it? Grrrr….
>Do you ever think how much easier it would be to be a man? Not that I’m looking for a change, but, man! We women sure are complicated!
>What to do when your Inner Bitch’s radar is pointed at an in law? Oy vey.
>What good are instincts (AKA that inner bitch) if you don’t use them?Hooah, Lindsey. Let the IB out….
>women’s intuition – rebranded! Love it.