>Looking Dirty
>I am queen of the dirty look.
Talk loudly during the sermon and I’ll shoot you a look that will wrench your bowels for the next three hours.
Curse in front of my toddler and my glare will make you feel like you’ve been impaled on your own tongue.
Part of the effect of my dirty look is that the offender knows he’s committed an egregious faux pas even before our eyes meet, so the ensuing discomfort is one part dirty look, two parts guilty conscience. That’s why I mete out my dirty looks very carefully. Because when used inappropriately, a dirty look is just plain funny.
Take yesterday.
I took my girls to see a matinee showing of The Devil Wears Prada (Movie: Cute! Meryl Streep: Amazing!) and, just as I had suspected, the place was packed. We made it into the theater before the lights had gone down and I quickly called Hubs on my cell phone to gloat about the fact that I’d left for the movie early against his advice. On the screen was a silent slide show advertising local businesses and movie snacks. Just as the phone started ringing, a slide came up asking moviegoers to remember to silence their cellphones before the film began.
“Hello?” Hubs said.
“Hey Hubs,” I laughed. “We got the last three seats on the upper level. And we waited in line for at least ten minutes! Ha!”
In front of me, a woman turned around and glared. And glared. And glared. And GLARED. This was a double doozy dirty look.
“Yep,” I said, looking steadily right back at her, “It really was a ten minute line.” She huffed and turned around. The girls giggled.
“I heard you the first time,” Hubs answered.
“In fact,” I said loudly, “I’m calling you now because the movie hasn’t started yet. No, not even the previews! And the lights are still up! And people are talking! So I figured I’d call you now! While I can still use my cellphone without it bothering anyone!”
“Um. Okay,” Hubs said, confused. “That’s great. Hey thanks.”
“No problem,” I answered. “I guess I’ll go now, before the movie starts rolling! Bye!”
The girls were laughing uncontrollably.
The dirty look wannabe had slunk low in her seat.
I hate calling an inappropriate dirty looker out like that, but what can I say? I had my girls with me. And since I, of course, don’t make any mistakes, they may as well learn from the mistakes of others…
>You go girl!
>Haha, that rocks!I must be the princess of dirty looks, if you are the queen. My husband says that I don’t even realize I am doing it these days. Hey, if you want to talk about sex stuff in a room full of toddlers, I am going to shoot you a “shuttup now” look and I don’t even have kids.BTW, found you through Chase and love your blog 🙂
>its all about the timing!! i hate an unjustified random dirty look lol
>I do that all the time here. people who are stupid deserve the glare.
>Yup, the dirty look should only be used sparingly. Especially with your own children.Based on your review, I am going to see a movie tomorrow…by myself.Ha, I won’t have to share my popcorn!
>LOL!! That’s the best!!LBC
>i am so not a fan of movies with cellphones. i would have just kicked her seat through the movie instead.
>I challenge you for title of “Queen of the dirty look.” And if the person is across the room, I silently mouth dirty curse words. I bet people are surprised to learn, they CAN can lip read some very common words.However, I don’t have to use my dirty looks at movie theatres. I HATE sitting through a movie at a theatre with a bunch of strangers, (a play, yes, a movie, no.)I wait for the DVD.
>Haha! Right on! Do you offer lessons? I haven’t got down a dirty look yet…I think I need one.
>I have what has been coined by close friends and family as “the look of death”. It only comes out on rare occasions, but if you are the one at whom it is intended, than watch the hell out, because death really MIGHT be close behind.
>LMFAO- you smart ass little bitch.. i think i love you
>Those slide shows can’t be interrupted by cell phone users. The advertisers pay good money to bore a captive audience. You are so inconsiderate.
>BAH!!!!!You know, you pay for the previews, too. ;-)Whenever I do forget to turn off my cell phone and it rings somewhere, uhm, really innappropriate, the best way to handle it is to start yelling something like, “OKAY! CALM DOWN! FOUR CHEST COMPRESSIONS AND THEN TWO BREATHS! YES, I’LL WALK YOU THROUGH THE TRACHEOTOMOY.”People tend to not be so judgmental for stuff like that.
>love the new look in here lucinda, and you are, as always, brilliant and hilarious.
>My kids call me “da Queen” of dirty looks…I mean, they’ve even got their friends trained to respond to a look from me!:)I had to snicker at your statement about your girls having to learn from other’s mistakes–since you make none.
>I Have been told I have a look of death too. unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be something I”m aware of or in control of. THough I did figure out with my little sister once, who also gives the look of death that to avoid giving it to each other when we didn’t really mean it we should smile at each other instead.
>Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl, you’re a bad-ass! Were you wearing that bandana (from My Space) when you did this? 😉 You need to have that pic put on a business card.
>Hilarious! You have to show the girls how it is done, how else are they going to learn? Love it!Carrie
>WELL, that rude woman had no IDEA what so ever who she was dealing with. She obviously hadn’t heard of the legend of the rumble down at the mall play place, huh? Too bad 4 her.Thanks for reviewing the devil movie! i was wondering if it was good or not…maybe I can go tomorrow. 🙂
>HA! Good for you! My dirty look has been dubbed “The Death Stare”. People see the look and hope that it’s not intended for them. It is something to be feared.
>I saw that movie yesterday too. Loved it. Meryl Streep is incomparable. I typically dress very casually but that movie made me covet a little couture.
>OK…I hereby DEMAND that a camera crew follow you around 24/7…like EdTV…except you can call it “Suburban Turmoil Gone Wild”.
>The old “get even” non-dirty look. Priceless.
>Funny! You fixed her wagon and she didn’t even know it was broke. Ahh, you gotta love justice.
>Are you for hire? My husband sure could use your mad “dirty looker” skillz while he’s busy trying to deliver a sermon (or memorial meditation) and people’s cell phones start ringing.
>Well done! Don’t mess with a blogger, Missy!
>Awe.Some!
>it is totally fair game to use the cell phone before the movie.
>Boy, you are lucky you don’t live in MY hokey Big Little Midwest city. If you had been on your cell here during the ads, the Dirty Looker would have called the the 14 year old Theater Policeman/Trash Basket Holder, who would’ve been all over yer ass. Uptight asshats… You did well with the No Look thing. When I’m driving, and want badly to give someone the Look of Death, I just pull up at the next stop lite and sorta casually “scratch my cheek” with my middle finger. It’s the driving equivalent of the No Look. Gotta getcher kick while ya can. YOU ROCK!
>Thank you for asserting the proper outcome to this situation. I had a disagreement with another member of my family about this within the past year (whether or not you can talk before anything starts at the movies). Frankly, despite the fact that she TOO is a loud person, I think she was just trying to make me feel bad for being loud, in general.I am with you on this point.
>I would just so love to go around town with you fo just a day or two. however, my stomach muscles, decimated as they are, might never recover. My personal favourite is the single raised eyebrow combined with looking down the nose. Nothing says, “You are lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut” like that.
>YOU are hilarious!! I’m sure your girls must think you’re so cool huh?!