>Lucinda’s Advice Column- April 2006

>It is spring and the Googlers are in full bloom with weird search requests that are bringing them in droves right to my virtual doorstep. Of course, I welcome these hapless Googlers with open arms and often, a quick squirt of antibacterial gel. Now, without further adieu, I present to you …

Having an affair preacher- Bowie, TX

Having an affair preacher is highly overrated. At first, the sermons are fairly scandalous… After all, how did the preacher find out about the elementary school principal and the school resource officer before anyone else? And how did he manage to link that to John 3:16? But over time, you’ll start wishing for the good old days, when the sermons had boring titles like “Dusty Bibles lead to dirty lives” and “Which exit is yours on the Highway to Heaven?” As it stands, next week’s sermon is cryptically called, “Mrs. Stankelman and the Computer Repairman.” Sigh…

Bastards who were lucky with boobs- India

I sympathize with you, my friend. Why is it that all the bastards I know are lucky with boobs? Boobs just seem to gravitate to them. It’s like they have radar or something. I know personally that if a bastard’s in the room, I generally feel a tingling sensation and then an odd sort of magnetic pull in the bastard’s direction. And then he’s all, “Well, if this isn’t my lucky day! This totally makes up for the fact that my parents never married!”

Lindsay Lohan cleavage overflowed on the red carpet- Lyndhurst, NJ

Omigod, I saw the video of this on E! It was a mess. Cleavage everywhere. A little got on Joan Rivers and she had a freakin’ fit! It took two or three janitors to get it all cleaned up during the commercial break.

Plumber’s butt message board- Seattle, WA

I never knew there was a message board for plumber’s butt, but I just checked it out and the topics up for discussion were fairly interesting. “Plumber’s butt sighted at the corner of 5th and Main in Bloomington, IN at 12:37pm on 4/23.” “My plumber’s butt measures a full three inches. How bout yours?” and “Maximizing your blue jeans’ plumber’s butt potential” (in this case, a heavy tool belt is said to work wonders).

Suburban housewife workout- Tampa, FL

Oooh, I know this one! It’s an easy 10-step workout guaranteed to leave you exhausted and feeling like you’ve been on a treadmill all day long!

1. Wake up to baby calling your name at 7:15am.
2. Make breakfast for baby and stepdaughter.
3. Spend next four hours playing with baby, chasing baby, doing housework and laundry, getting showered and dressed and running errands.
4. Baby’s nap time. Take a break.
5. Get up baby, feed her lunch, give her a bath, get her dressed.
6. Drive across town to high school for carpool pick-up.
7. Take home three kids, drop off stepdaughter, go to grocery.
8. Pick up younger stepdaughter at middle school.
9. Get home, make dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner, make lunches, go to bed.
10. Repeat in the morning.

Lisa Rinna fertility advice- Reno, NV

I contacted Lisa Rinna’s publicist, who made the following statement.

“Lisa Rinna applauds all of her fans who are seeking to have children of their own. She recommends that all women trying to get pregnant have sex with their partners as often as possible.

On a related note, Lisa Rinna no longer is advocating collagen lip injections for babies in utero. She regrets having supported this practice on a recent episode of The View. Lisa apologizes for making this statement and now asks that parents wait until their babies are at least six months old before giving them collagen injections. “

Mom’s homemade smut movies- Atlanta, GA

Hey kids! Feeling nostalgic for the sights and sounds of home? Why not try Mom’s Homemade Smut Movies? Made from all-natural ingredients, Mom’s Homemade Smut Movies will take you back to the time you popped in that videotape from Dad’s nightstand and witnessed scenes that even now make you burn with shame. Mom’s Homemade Smut Movies! Available for a limited time at all Stuckey’s Convenience Stores. Ask for them by name!