>My “Expert” Opinion
>When Punky was an infant, I must have read a good dozen baby manuals. I consulted baby magazines, baby websites, baby DVDs, and I messaged my pediatrician’s office once or twice a week with questions. I may not have started out knowing much about babies, but I was determined to become an expert for my child’s sake.
Bruiser’s upbringing has been entirely different. It started when I couldn’t find my copy of What to Expect the First Year anywhere, which was my Baby Bible when Punky was an infant. “Oh well,” I said to myself. “I’ll just wing it.” And that’s what I’ve done ever since. I am bringing Bruiser up without the benefit of Ferberization, Attachment Parenting, or the principles laid out by The Baby Whisperer. I’m not anxiously comparing his monthly milestones to the ones kindly provided for me on Babycenter.com, nor am I trying to make him The Happiest Baby on the Block. When something has seemed wrong with him, I’ve taken him to see the doctor. When I’ve had questions, I’ve asked my friends, not to mention you guys. Parenting by Instinct seems to have worked out fine so far, but it’s led to some entirely different decisions from the ones I would have made with Punky. Like this one:
“I’m letting Bruiser cry it out now,” I said airily to a friend yesterday, duly noting the look of horror that spread across her face for a split second before she managed to compose herself. Benevolently, I let it slide. She was only a first time mom, after all, I snickered to myself.
“You are?” she asked suspiciously. I could tell she was wondering if there was a punchline.
“Yeah, you know, I never, ever would have thought I would let a child of mine cry it out, but my gut just told me it was time.”
It’s true. After nearly eight months of running to his room between one and five times a night, there finally came a night when I was so tired that when I heard his squawking on the baby monitor, I… I… turned the volume down. Oh yes I did. Someone call DPS.
I woke early the next morning and remembered seconds later what I had done. In horror, I ran to his room. Oh no. Oh no no no no. He would never trust me again. He would never be the same. He would be suspicious of everyone and everything from now on. I had ruined my baby!!!! Breathlessly, I opened the door to his room and rushed to his crib… and there he was, looking strangely… fine. He had just woken (back) up, and was happily gurgling away while playing with his feet.
That’s when I realized that it was time. Time to let him cry it out. Of course, there were ground rules and experimentation involved in my decision. I resolved, for example, to never let the crying get to that red-faced, choking, falsetto-y screeching point, the point he would have quickly reached as a younger baby. That shit freaks me out. But parenting by instinct helped me realize that his “crying” now at night is just for show. When, rather than swooping him up and rocking him, I instead opted to leave him in his crib, all hell did indeed break loose and he yelled like someone was sticking him with a pin. But within two minutes, he’d given that up, decided I wasn’t coming back, gotten bored, realized he was hella tired…. AND GONE BACK TO SLEEP.
My baby has been manipulating me! Gah!
And now I’m left wondering why I didn’t go with my gut long ago and why instinct-based parenting is really so out of fashion. We’re all so afraid that others will judge us for our parenting decisions that we think we need to have an “expert’s” philosophy to rattle off to naysayers in order to justify our actions. But damn. They’re just babies. How hard could it be?
>Thank you for writing this.
>Oh how I struggled with the whole “cry it out” thing.Trust me, I have tons of posts dedicated to that topic alone.Like you, I thought there was no way that I could let Cara cry. But, it works for us. [usually]I think that sometimes you just have to do what you think is best for your kid and you have to ignore the looks and “words of wisdom”. They’re not in your shoes and they’re not parenting your child.The whole shebang starts here.
>To answer your question, Yes we are all so damn judgmental of eachother and ourselves that we don’t trust our instincts anymore. God forbid your child be seen dirty from playing in the mud or drink something with processed sugars in it! Someone might see and think you are not as good of a mommy as they are! I wish it was just the fault of the parents who were letting the opinions of others influence their choices but really a lot of the blame can definately be placed on the holier than thou jackasses who feel it is their duty to police your parenting.I love parenting by instinct! My son is 2 and it works for us. You have to remember you were built for this, you know what your baby needs because they tell you. Besides, if you don’t trust yourself, how are your children ever supposed to?
>I’m the same way with my second child. With my first, I had all the books, and would consult them all the time…this time around, I even declinded the free copy of What To Expect that my doctor offered…it just seemed like too much clutter. My son is almost 3 months old, and I’ve just done what seems right at each moment. Good for you for not worrying about what people think! It’s hard to do! 🙂
>Do you have a square cap you can throw in the air? Because you just graduated. Congratulations.
>”We’re all so afraid that others will judge us for our parenting decisions”That’s it. Right there. That’s what keeps the Baby Experts in the money.Except after the first one when you realize that even though you’ve stayed up nights pouring over manuals and agonizing over every decision – someone is STILL going to look at you with horror some day.And that’s when you go “well, screw it then.”
>This is a great post. It’s hard to learn to do it but sometimes I think they need to cry a bit to calm down. I’m on baby #3 and he doesn’t fuss much about anything and sleeps great, but this post is a great reminder that they’ll be fine!
>Congratulations! I’m sure that both you AND Bruiser will be much happier now that you no longer feel you have to wake up every single time he does. I remember when I had that exact epiphany with my little boy… I was absolutely exhausted and just could not stomach the idea of getting out of bed. I decided to force myself to wait 10 minutes before getting up (with the same idea of going to him if the crying started getting REALLY out of control). He fell back asleep on minute seven. It was the longest seven minutes of my life! But the payoff was HUGE. When I finally understood that a few minutes of crying wasn’t going to kill him — and was the motivation he needed to learn how to start soothing himself — my parenting life became a WHOLE lot easier. (And he became a whole lot happier, too — because Mr. Independent could finally make HIMSELF feel happy instead of relying on other people to do it for him!)
>Those books f’ed me up. From Sears to the Whisperer to the nazis who wrote the What to Expect series – none of them made me feel better; they all made me feel worse.I winged it with CJ, and I’ll be winging it with this new baby (even more so because I sent all those damn books to my SIL). And I have a feeling we’ll all be a lot better off, baby included.
>Letting babies “cry it out” is fine…at home. But what about at Wal-Mart? Is that legitimate parenting or just self-induced deafness on the part of the mother? Understandable, yes. Fun to be around, not so much.
>Lol,That’s hysterical, and I will say I told you so even though I felt like such a black sheep writing that in your comments when you were asking for help. But back a few months ago when all those people were saying “swaddle him like this” or “turn him like that” I was like…yeah…that would work if she doesn’t have one like my Roo. One who is clever enough to realize squawk equals mommy comes running and who apparently finds that extremely entertaining.Letting my baby cry it out was the best decision I ever made. It certainly saved my sanity and made Roo a way happier little boy. Because once he realized pitching a fit in the middle of the night didn’t make me come running, then he stopped doing it and would go. back. to. sleep. Letting him get more rest, me get more rest, and all of us feel more excited to face the day the next morning.Congrats on joining the CIO team of meanie mommies,Anna J. Evans
>It’s a great post. I adhere to a similar philosophy so I know the ropes, yet it’s nice to hear someone else say it.
>Let’s have a book burning.I hate parenting books too. The gazillions of them at Barnes & Noble. Holy crap. Between that and autism, you could start a frickin’ library alone. The books only make us more disconnected from what we know is the right thing to do.I let my youngest cry it out too after quite a while. He’s ok too. Loves me and all that stuff. Funny how it didn’t ruin him for life.
>By the time the second one comes around, who has time to consult the parenting books?! Even if you could find them under all the crap!My mother told back when I had my first that I was reading way too much. Now I know she was right and I just need to rely on my instincts.
>I really needed this today. Thanks!
>Good for you! Here’s to more sleep for everyone!
>I am so terrified of dealing the the “cry it out” thing when J andI finally have babies! Good for you! I always say it’s what I’ll do, but then I think I know I will run to their side every time! lol
>It took me until the 2nd one to figure out I could figure it out on my own just fine. Great post. I enjoy your blog…I’ve been lurking for a while.
>I very clearly remember a post you wrote about not letting your first baby cry it out and how parents should find another method that works. I chuckled at that post, suddenly aware that you did not have a nighttime waker on your hands. I remember how you wrote that you took Punky into the laundry room with you while you did the folding and she would fall asleep. I let my kid cry it out. He is fine.
>I absolutely agree! I read WAY too much during my pregnancy with the twins and – as I look back – I realize that was the biggest mistake I could have made. Instead of trusting my instincts on issues (like crying it out) I would consult the books. Why, oh why did I think someone else would know the best way to raise MY child.
>I always though ‘birth order’ was a myth, now I’m not so sure.cheers
>Always trust your instincts as a Mommy. And always rest assured that those cutiepies know just how to work us over with the weeping and the wailing!I have three, 6, 4, 22 months. My first, I had the monitor turned up so loudly, I could hear every breath. My second, I kept the monitor low and turned it off when he was in “Drama Cry” mode.My third…I didn’t use the monitor after three months. I didn’t need to; his nickname is Sir Screamsalot. Love your blog!
>With the second child, when do you have time to do anything but instinct parenting!Amen
>I think every mom goes through this realization at some point. I didn’t until I read this stupid book on potty training your child in 1 day. DUMB ASS me actually read the entire book before I realized my kid is not a one size fit’s all method.
>Have a happy Thanksgiving! Hope everyone is safe and well.
>Stick with it, sister! It’s the right thing.
>I think with CIO, the instincts go both ways.With some kids a some times, CIO just not right. You can just tell when the screaming like a stuck pig goes a bit too long, and tonight is not the night. And lo and behold, an hour later, the child is crying with a fever. The a few months down the road – or with a different child – the whimpering for five minutes just shuts off and the baby is asleep.Even after three kids, and three different sleep “types”, there are still times with my older kids when I know that the whimper is something to pay attention to. I just know. Then, there are other times, when I’m not sure, and I err on the side of caution. Not that I’m going to cause some dire attachment disorder…but, for instance, a child under 6 months who is not sleeping well might not be meant to be sleeping well. There are reasons that some babies aren’t staying in deep sleep stages and rousing themselves…but all this comes from working on a SIDS hotline. I think that has affected my POV on this, and I realize that not everyone is coming from this place of personal experience.Also, I won’t discount parenting books altogether. Young humans are one of the most intellectually and emotionally complex beings around, and I think that many a parent has done themselves a disservice by not learning at least a bit about basic child psychology and ages and stages.It pains me to hear parents putting 9 month old babies in “time out” for “hitting”, because they know that baby is purposefully manipulating, and if they don’t break them now, then they might as well reserve a room in the juvenile detention center. Or I see moms whacking the crap out of their 2 yos because the child won’t sit still and quiet for a full half-hour of story time. I’ve had enough of my own “Ah-ha!” moments after reading a Geselle Institute book and some real enlightenment after studying Faber and Mazlish which resulted in almost magical if not miraculous changes in my children’s behavior and attitudes.Women have always had other women to guide them through raising children. However, much of that immediate community is not accessible to some women, and I don’t think that the books are always a bad thing. Some women are naturally intuitive with their first kid and make all the right decisions, but other women still do need guidance in some direction. The sad fact of the first born is that no matter where the advice or guidance comes from – either grandmother or Dr. Sears or my own head – No. 1 is the starter/test model, and any further advice is then tested against the gained experience.I work at a bookstore, and I truly enjoy parenting books. Some of them should be given wide berth, but others do have both common and more esoteric knowledge that can be useful, if only in answering the question, “is this behavior normal at this age/stage? Yes! Phew.” What I tell all parents upon recommending any book is that no, of course this is not a cure-all one-size-fits-all approach. Read the book, take from it what sounds reasonable in regard to your own child and situation and philosophy, and file the rest.Anyway…sorry for the long comment. The women who usually post to Internet parenting boards are a self-selecting group of people who are, I imagine, a bit more self-aware of their own parenting. In my personal life, however, I’ve seen some parents who had completely off-the-wall if not dangerous expectations of infants and children, and for them, the books might be just the thing to pull them a bit closer to reality.
>ACK! I’m sorry for that dissertation on my thoughts about CIO and parenting books.I’m just happy your finally getting some sleep and that the baby is getting with the program. Sleep deprivation is psychological torture worse than listening to a crying baby, IMO.
>GOOD FOR YOU! Just think how much better the world would be (FOR EVERYONE) if parents stopped letting their children manipulate them…
>Hmmm, you could write a book about this…and IT could become the baby bible :-)There really is a circle of advice that comes around, goes around, comes back again. With my five pregnancies spanning almost ten years, I saw reversals in “expert” parenting advice. Guess what? Not one of my children remembers crying-it-out. Also, none of them recall the nights I rocked them to midnight sleep. Happy Thanksgiving, btw! I’m very thankful that your blog is still alive and kickin’! Chrissy
>Goodness, what heresy!Next thing you’ll be saying that you can’t walk into a school playground and spot which children have been bottle-fed.(this was a lovely read, by the way: I must be a heretic too)
>I wonder what our own Mothers did? You think they could hear every little whimper we made without the STUPID monitor? I followed the Baby Whisperer with my first and thought I was a fabulous parent when it worked. Little did I know that girlie was just naturally a routine oriented sound sleeper. My new little guy, not so much. The idea that I should get him to nap for a specific amount of time each day is laughable. I gave up and just started rolling with it a little. Most of those books are ridiculous because they always over generalize. What works at 6 months will never work with a 6 week old and so on, and what works with one child will be a complete failure with another…. swaddle, shush, blah blah blah. My guy is having to learn that his nap wind down consists of me picking him up in my arms and putting the pacy in his mouth, and his “wind down” can only last as many steps as we are away from his crib at the moment. You are doing the right thing by going with your gut. Besides, its not like you are leaving him crying for hours…
>remember: if there are no “right” answers, then there are no “wrong” answers. Isabel
>Ooooooo as you know, it’s not just the babies that you get all this advice about.Try it when you have a kid with special needs that looks normal. Everyone just freely tells you that you suck as a parent and you should do “X” more.Those silly expert books just don’t work with special needs kids. Trust me, I’ve read tons of them over the years and not one helped a bit.
>Read a million things myself. Came to find out my own instincts aren’t so damn bad – Moms really do start to just KNOW what to do. F anyone that says different or judges us because we don’t “follow the rules.”Like, when put Braden in the closet so I can get some quiet time. Now that’s not in any of the books.Harhar.
>ohhhhhh honey— get ready to put this in your “pissed list” grouping! I’ll bring the popcorn!!(and I did the exact. same. thing. you did with my #2. I was too old for all that, and she is absolutely fine…. )cmhl.
>The cry it out approach…it only worked with my first born. my 2nd child…nope, she finally started sleeping through the night when she was 2! Now, my littlest, my baby…he’s going to be 4. I had him cry it out for 2 years! yes, that isn’t a typo…2 fricking years. finally, i gave in…i couldn’t stand that i had let him cry for that long with no results. now, he wakes up anywhere between 4:30 and 6, grabs his pacifiers(yes, he STILL has those) and makes his way to my room. at least i don’t have to get out of bed anymore!so, my point is (finally!)you’re lucky…when it works, the crying…it’s an amazing thing. just stay consistent…that’s where i messed up, i think!take care…sleep well!
>They are going to be on hold for awhile with DPS; I’m pretty sure someone’s chatting with them about me right now.Thank God for the wisdom that comes with second kids, huh?
>My first (and only, so far) child sounds like he sleeps like your second. When the teething started in earnest, I stopped getting to sleep. When all of my stretches of sleep are a minimum of two hours, I consider it a “good” night.So when we got back from Nana and Grandaddy’s house on Monday night, we decided to make a change and you guessed it, let him cry it out (at least a little – he _is_ my first, after all).So now, instead of going in there and nursing him (sometimes 4-5 times a night – did I mention that he’s TEN AND A HALF MONTHS OLD???!!!), I’m (usually) letting him cry for a few minutes before I go in there, then I lay him back down, get his blanket out of the way (so I can cover him back up when he finally gives up), then sitting in a chair across the room, mostly just saying “lay back down” and “good boy” (when he does) while he screams and/or tosses about banging his head against the side of the crib.The first night, I put him back down and patted his back until he was back asleep the two times he woke before I went to bed. Then Did the above the first three times he woke after I went to bed. Then nursed him the final two times before my 7AM “give up and get out of bed” time. Granted, that was an unusual number of wakings even for him, but I was pretty (extra) exhausted yesterday.Last night, he woke up twice after I went to bed and only one of the soothings took longer than 15 minutes. He even slept through my husband getting ready for work (as did I – and it was GLORIOUS).Here’s hoping tonight’s even better. After almost 6 months of no sleep, I could use some. There are days when it’s really not safe for me to operate heavy machinery.
>I always thought of “crying it out” as letting your baby work himself into a dither while you calmly sat in the next room. But I discovered with Bruiser that that wasn’t what was happening at all. As an older baby, he has a loud, blood-curdling attention getting “cry” and he also has a terrified, I-really-do-need-someone cry. When he was “crying” for me at night, it was just the attention-getting cry. I’d come in after a few minutes and there would be no tears or red face. He was simply trying to get someone to come in there and see him. So when I ignored it, he eventually stopped doing it. Now, he is SLEEPING THROUGH THE NIGHT. Every night! Finally! When I went with my gut and realized that the “crying” was just for show, it worked itself out, no books or experts required. But it’s still funny to say that he “cried it out,” because he was never REALLY crying in the scared, sad sense. I still don’t think I could have just left him in there like that. Well, maybe I could have… It’s amazing what longterm sleep deprivation will do to a person.
>I’m glad to hear it’s working out. I was too lazy to read the books given to me, and cheap to buy more 🙂 so was forced to go with instinct. It’s easy to get yourself worked up and sometimes all it takes is a friendly faced doctor or hubby to bring you down and let you know it’s okay for a baby to cry. And if you are too tired to get up, that’s seems to be the turning point for many of us.
>This is a great post. I remember when my son was an infant and every time he made a noise I was up. He slept in bed with me because he had some health problems and I was afraid of SIDS. I was a totally attached mommy. Now he’s five and I wonder why he’s my little shadow. Well I did it to myself by over-parenting him and teaching him it’s ok to be up mommy’s butt. My next child is going to be raised totally different! =D
[…] that their baby might cry during the night and they won’t hear it, but most baby monitors have a “cry mode” that will activate the sound when your child makes a noise. If you are concerned about your […]