I'm Lindsay Ferrier, a Nashville writer with a passion for family travel, exploring Tennessee, and raising kids without losing my mind in the process. This is where I share my discoveries, along with occasional deep thoughts, pop culture tangents and a sprinkling of snark. Want to get in touch? Use the CONTACT form at the top of the page.
October 18, 2011
I am now entering Day Four of a family vacation to Chattanooga and Gatlinburg and I am learning by this experience that nothing will try your patience like your own children.
I mean, we’re having a blast– swimming in hotel pools, eating lots of ice cream, giggling our way through mirror mazes, shopping for souvenirs, and riding amusement park rides– but I’m not going to lie to you.
I need a break.
My children are four and seven-years-old, and sharing a single hotel room with them for four days running is… challenging. Their playtime turns into bickering about every 3-5 minutes. And even when they’re getting along, they’re bored! Hungry! Thirsty! They want to do this! And that! And then this again! And their motors run so much longer than ours. By 10:30 last night, my husband and I were ready to drop from exhaustion, but the kids were still laughing and squealing and going strong!
Patience!
I NEED IT!
Suitably, yesterday I watched the latest video session in the online Beth Moore Bible study I’m doing with some of you right now (we took a week off last week so that we could all catch up on the homework, did you notice?)– and it was all about PATIENCE.
It could not have been more timely.
And here’s the nugget that I think all of you could use, no matter your belief system. Beth identified three major points about the people in our lives who try our patience:
It’s not very comfortable to admit that my own children make me feel this way, because I really do love them with everything that’s in me and they give me a lot of joy, but I do have to admit that all of these points are true at times when it comes to dealing with them. I think that every parent would agree with me, whether they’re raising toddlers or teens.
Emotionally backing off from a relationship with small children is an impossibility for most parents- They simply need us too much.
But having raised two stepdaughters, I can’t tell you how many parents I’ve seen back away from their children once the kids reach puberty. And looking at this list, I know that a large part of the reason that so many parents emotionally wash their hands of their kids at that point is that their children are trying their patience like no one has ever tried it before. And it’s rough. And it hurts. And it’s ugly. And as your own children reach that age, you’ll start encountering parents of their peers who ignore the 10:30 pickup time you set for your daughter’s sleepover, and don’t show up until 5 that afternoon. And parents who set no Internet limitations or filters whatsoever on their sixth grader, because it keeps him out of their hair. And parents who let their kids and their friends drink at their house or have boyfriends and girlfriends over for spend-the-nights, because it makes the parent-child relationship “less difficult.”
These are just a few things I’ve seen over the last few years. It’s not pretty. And it’s not making it any easier on the parents who are toughing out the rough years and not backing down from their convictions and commitment to their kids, no matter how much it hurts.
Patience. We’re going to need endless amounts of it before our kids are on their own!
Beth’s point in the video session is that as Christians, we are scripturally called to have community with one another. We’re designed to get involved with others and to have relationships. And when there are relationships, there is friction. There will be squabbles and disagreements and our patience will be sorely tested, whether they’re our children or our friends or co-workers.
Our natural inclination is to back off of the more troublesome relationships. Women are especially good at this- How many of us have just kind of shut out the other women in our lives who’ve had a disagreement with us, or who simply get on our nerves?
But Beth made a really interesting point- The relationships that try our patience the most can be precisely the ones that refine us, and make us better people. Beth says that God uses these trying relationships to help us identify our own failings and eliminate them. I believe this, but I think that even if you are not a Christian, you could see the wisdom in this. Your best relationship at the end of the road- the one that created the most positive changes in you– might not have been your easiest relationship.
It might be the one that most tested your patience.
Of course, there are certain relationships that should be abandoned because they involve physical or emotional abuse or because they’re toxic to you and your family. But I think you’d agree that most of your troubled relationships simply fall into the “irritating” or “difficult” category.
I want to remember Beth’s points particularly as my children grow older. As much as I love them, I’m sure that there will be times as they get older when I’m emotionally tempted to pull back and to protect my heart. I want to remember at those times that the pain is exactly what could be giving me more compassion with others, more empathy, more PATIENCE– and turning me into the person I’m longing to be.
What do you think?
*We’re in the fifth week of Beth Moore’s “Living Beyond Yourself” online study, but you can join at any time and go at your own pace. For more information on how to do that, go here.
*And if you’d like to join my Facebook group for women doing the study right now, e-mail me at suburban.turmoil@yahoo.com and I’ll add you to the group!
Image via Stephanie Zens/Flickr
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Whenever I feel myself growing impatient with my teenage sons, I remember an acquaintance who lost ALL THREE of her children in a single car accident, along with her Mother. Then I can gloss over the moodiness, the dirty socks on the floor, etc. One day I will have no children in the house and I will miss having those mouths to feed and those awkward teenage boys hugs.
That’s heartbreaking, Laura. I read a blog post recently from a mom who lost a child shortly after birth- She wrote that she never minded the noise of her other two children now, because it’s the noise of LIFE, and she’d much rather have that all day long than silence. I think of that post often now.
I feel as though I lose more patience as I grow older, which seems strange and backwards. I find that I have become slightly more cynical and feel impatience towards a lot of situations and people and it leaves me feeling so GUILTY. My younger self was so optimistic and kind and always saw the best in everyone. I feel like I’ve gotten so far away from myself sometimes.
Of course, I notice most of my impatience comes out towards my children which breaks my heart. That is one of the things I would most like to work on . . . building up patience with my children. I felt more patience with them as babies and as they grow older and their personalities challenge mine, I feel impatience surge through me. Having children is the most character building process ever, I believe!
I feel that same impatience. I try to remind myself whenever I feel tempted to be short with my kids to take a deep breath, get down on their level, and talk to them face to face about what the problem is. That seems to work a lot better for all of us.
GREAT post. Very relatable to a specific situ in my own life and has me re-thinking my current strategy of … coping. Thank you for that.
Glad you could use it!
I never thought of children as character building through patience but it makes sense. My own parents lost patience with my younger sister (almost a 10 yr difference) and allowed her things that they would never have let me do. They just seemed tired of parenting and just wanted to be done with the whole process. They just gave in, because it was easier than fighting.
Having kids is definitely trying. I know at the end of a long day, I just want to let the kids do whatever they want because it gives me a few minutes of peace. I need to work on my patience so I don’t give up on parenting them. Especially during the teenage years ahead. I can see myself dropping the ball since I now know that I’m more of a peacekeeper than a peacemaker. I hate conflict but it seems you can’t raise kids without it.
Well, some parents have kids grow up without conflict, but trust me, they are the exceptions (and yet, they will never cease bragging about it at cocktail parties and on your blog, LOL). Puberty equals conflict for the vast majority of parents and teens and I do think it’s easier going into it knowing and expecting it to happen.
I had patience with my son in his teenage years because I continually reminded myself of what it was like to be a teenager. I was a very moody teenager and it had nothing to do with my parents it was just me. So even though my son is incredibly easygoing, when he got in his moods or had unreasonable demands I could take a deep breath and deal with it. I feel like we need compassion also which helps us to be patient.
On the other end of the spectrum at the same time my son was being a teenager, my father was needing surgeries and medical assistance. Unfortunately I was not as patient with him as I should have been when he was being unreasonable because he was not in familiar surroundings and sick because I didn’t know what it was like and fathers aren’t very good at sharing their feelings.Beth said “….not only something in them but also something in us that needs to change” which was really a revelation for me. We have conflict with some in-law type family members and man, do they bring out the worst in us! It’s tough to be around them. I we are ever in their presence again I’ll be sure to remember this session on patience!
I loved the advice to hang in there and commit to difficult people rather than avoiding them, which is what it seems everyone else tells us to do. I think in the end, we actually feel BETTER when we take the initiative to deal with the troublesome people in our lives. Avoiding them generally leaves us feeling guilty or wondering if we could/should have done things differently.
I console myself thinking that my current shrieks of frustration will make amusing stories when my boys are home from Medical School for Thanksgiving.
It’s character building
Yes, EXACTLY!! LOL.
Hmmm. You knew EXACTLY when to post this. Thank you.
This was very timely. I just love my daughter with every fiber of my being. And, at this point in her life (3 mos. old), she can’t do anything wrong or disobedient. She isn’t capable of it right now. But, boy oh boy can she be trying on my patience. I know it’s only going to be more trying (but also more rewarding) as time goes on. But, she is making me a better person, and I love her for that too!
Jenna
callherhappy.com
My son was very trying as a baby, and I look back at pictures of him now and wish I could have enjoyed how adorable he was. The truth is that he was so demanding and cried so much that I just struggled to get through each day. He’s TOTALLY making up for it now, though. Still demanding, but very loving and hilarious. I think it will definitely get easier for you as she gets older. 🙂
[…] Unrelatable? And what about my Christian readers? Will they wonder how I can write a post about the fruit of the Spirit one day and one about the numskulls in the car rider pick-up line the next? Will they think […]
What do I think? Well, since you asked….
I don’t think you need to worry THAT much about being patient.
In fact, IMHO you probably shouldn’t.
Years ago I bought a parenting book by Kenneth Condrell. The title is: “Wimpy Parents: From Toddler to Teen — How NOT to raise a Brat.” Since I most definitely didn’t want to raise a brat, I bought the book and it really helped me clarify my ideas about discipline.
It is an excellently written book that will help you to know where to draw the line between “being patient” with your kids and “being TOO patient.” Try reading the book! You will not be disappointed. Good luck!
By the way I am definitely not implying your kids are brats! No, what I meant is that the book is excellent and helpful to everyone.