Ten Reasons Why You Should Never, Ever Let Birds Build a Nest in Your Garage

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ACCOUNT IS NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED (OR THOSE IN THE MIDST OF A NICE, HEARTY MEAL).

1. You will spend about six weeks gasping and ducking every time you enter the garage and a bird whizzes by your ear to get out the back door.

2. After the eggs hatch, you will have to lock your sweet but stupid dog out of the garage indefinitely when the mama bird decides her chicks are ready to fly and dumps them out of the nest onto the ground to let them fend for themselves.

3. You will spend two days in anxious phone conference with your husband about whether to call Critter Control, as the still-flightless baby birds hop around your garage. You will suffer a morality crisis over whether to open the garage door and let nature take its course or to try and protect them yourself.

4. Once you open the garage door, your husband will suffer a morality crisis as he watches one of the still-flightless baby birds hop around the front yard while he weeds the front planter.

5. Several days later, you will start to notice a strange and horrible smell emanating from the garage into the kitchen. It will get worse. And worse. But the worst is actually yet to come.

6. Your husband will find a dead, three-foot-long snake wrapped around the garage door motor. Its body will have one large lump that you know must be a baby bird inside. The snake will appear to be alive because it is writhing, but your husband will quickly determine that the writhing is actually caused by hundreds of maggots. Once the snake is removed, the smell will remain in your garage for several more weeks.

7. You will notice a similar odor coming from a bush beside your front door. You will surmise that another of the baby birds must have kicked the bucket nearby.

8. After a few weeks pass, your husband will gather up the bird’s nest from the garage shelf and dump the whole thing in the trash can. Several days later, he will notice the trash can smells even worse than the garage. He will look inside and see several hundred maggots in the bottom of the trash can. He will realize that another baby bird must have died before leaving the nest.

9. Your husband will clean out the trash can with a hose. It will take him 20 minutes to get the putrifying ooze out of the bottom of the trash can. He will discover that maggots + water = a stench that can’t even be described in words. Hubs, an alpha male, will run to the shower when he’s done with this disgusting job, shouting that it’s definitely one of the ten grossest things he’s ever seen in his life. And he’s seen a lot.

10. Hours later, you’ll walk past the trash can airing outside and nearly vomit (you, who have almost no gag reflex) when the smell hits you. The odor will stay in your nose and throat for half an hour. You will swear to never again allow birds to build a nest in your garage.

Image via Robert Benner/Flickr