>The Center of My Attention
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I got the brochure in the mail yesterday. “It’s time to take your life back and feel better about yourself!” the cover read. Noting the happy couple running through the park together, I was intrigued. I had been trying to get Hubs to run through the park with me while holding hands for months! Perhaps this brochure contained my solution… Eagerly, I opened it.
Advanced Hemmorhoid Care Center. Hmm. This wasn’t exactly the answer I had in mind. I had suffered from hemmorhoids after giving birth to Baby. They were indeed painful, but once they went away, my life really didn’t get any better.
According to the brochure, though, after a visit to Advanced Hemmorhoid Care Center, wonderful things happen! For one, to celebrate your hemmorhoid removal, the neighborhood association president and his wife will come over and agree in a formal toast to stop harrassing you with “warning” letters about the length of your grass and the “Santa Stop Here” sign still hanging on your front door! But the fun doesn’t end there.
Advanced Hemmohoid Care Center promises that in addition to soothing your sore anus without resorting to painful and invasive surgery, its experienced staff members will take you out on the center’s own private yacht (the S.S. Butt Pirate) and help you catch the biggest fish in the Hudson Bay! Ahoy, matey!
As an added bonus, Advanced Hemmorhoid Care Center will teach you to play tennis like a pro. You’d never guess that Harold here used to have abrupt diarrhea expulsion issues, now would you?
So why not pay a visit to Advanced Hemmorhoid Care Center today? I did, and even though a close inspection determined that I didn’t actually have hemmorhoids, the doctor agreed to take me on a quick jog through the city as consolation. Thanks, Advanced Hemmorhoid Care Center!
>LOL!
>All that just from getting rid of hemmorhoids? I’m impressed. I’ll strain extra hard on the toilet from now on…
>You crack my shit right up, pun definitely intended. SS Butt Pirate!
>You are so touched.:)
>Ha!Love the 1st picture. It’s often that I see people running through the park, holding hands, other hands outstretched. And of course, when I see that, I also hear the music in the background (usually Celine Dion).But, I’m not crazy….really. 🙂
>well, call me crazy, but those hemmorhoid-ridden folks seem to be having an awfully good time!!! hahahah.maybe they were trying to tell you something…
>wow between that an tampx that teaches u 2 rollerblade, ski, and surf u wimmins got it made
>Wow! If I ever get roids, I hope this place can change my life, too!
>Sign me up!
>Hemmorhoid Camp? Hemmorhoid Resort and Day Spa? I’m seeing some possibilities here… ;^)
>I’m cringing at the future google searches that will lead people to your site.
>Did the idiots at the “AHCC” have ANY clue to whom they were mailing this ridiculous piece of literature? I couldn’t think of a more blog-worthy piece of crap junk mailing. HA! Too funny…
>Funny you…I want to go to the Center…. I do I do…I got a catalog in the mail recently called “As We Change”. It had lots of helpful kits for incontinent travellers, varicose veins and support stockings…Bring ’em on…
>Oops. Looks like they sent you my mail.
>Does Captain Feathersword come on the SS Butt Pirate? Because it wouldn’t be worth it otherwise.And what if I’ve only got small, tiny hemmorhoids? Don’t they have a Regular Hemmorhoid Care Center, for the less serious cases?
>What is about running through parks that is imagined to be a universal symbol of pure bliss? I don’t get that.
>I just spit my pop out. How come our husbands never want to run through the park and hold hands? Don’t they know the fun they’re missing out on?
>That was very funny.
>I want hemmorhoids now, if only so that I can do all that stuff! It’s like that old joke about the inner city kid buying tampons because right on the box it says, “you can go horseback riding, you can do gymnastics…”