>The Extraordinary Case of the Hideous Pair of Black Plastic Glasses with Clear Lenses
>About a week ago, I was cleaning up my bedroom when I noticed something odd on my husband’s nightstand– a hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses.
I picked them up. I had never seen these glasses before, and I couldn’t think of a reason why Hubs would have a hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses on his nightstand. It was disturbing, to say the least. Which is why I promptly forgot about them…
…until last night, when we were out to dinner and the subject of glasses came up.
“That reminds me, Hubs,” I said casually. “I found a hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses on your nightstand a few days ago. Where did you get those?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hubs said.
I gave him a look. “Come on, Hubs, I wasn’t born yesterday. You have a hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses on your nightstand. Don’t try to pretend you didn’t know they were there.”
“I didn’t,” he insisted, looking me straight in the eye. We remained like that for some time, our gazes locked. Finally, he looked away.
“Okay, you’ve got me,” he finally admitted. “That hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses… belongs to my girlfriend.” We both started laughing. The matter was dropped.
The next day, the hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses had moved downstairs to the kitchen counter. I picked them up and tried them on.
Hideous. “I swear,” he said.
“Okay, because the girls have never seen them either,” I said. “And that makes this whole thing even more disturbing. Who left this hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses on your nightstand? I’ve come up with three possible suspects. The Critter Control guy, our handyman, and Miss Baja.”
Miss Baja was an elderly babysitter we employ from time to time. The thought of her rolling around on my sheets in a a hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses was unnerving. Or the Critter Control guy, for that matter. Or our handyman, who is deeply religious. Two of those three suspects already wear glasses, making the whole thing even stranger, because they would have to wear this hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses over their own pair of glasses. I tried to imagine it.
Weird.Still, I’m left with a question. Where did this hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses come from? Who put them on my husband’s nightstand?
Who?
>I’m guessing Sweetney?
>maybe the one armed man? =0P
>Marzipan
>I’m guessing they belong to the guy your husband’s sleeping with. I could be wrong, though.
>I think you need to lean a little harder on Hubs. He has the answer.
>It was probably the time bandits – you know those guys who move things around our houses so they sometimes managed to “appear” in a spot we had just looked in! In this case, they may have left them in the wrong house.There, mystery solved.
>The only possible answer: Your husband has a Hideous Pair of Black Plastic Glasses with Clear Lenses fetish. Yep, that’s it. That’s why he kept the eye contact with you about it for so long.
>I don’t know. I’m starting to lean toward Ira Glass, myself.
>I don’t know but you are killing me with those photos!
>So when DID you quit modelling, Lindsay?
>The same person who lives in my house who touches my shit. So that I run around yelling “don’t touch my shit!”
>THAT’S where I left my glasses. Thanks!
>They look like safety glasses…what type of power tools do you keep in your boudoir? HAHAA
>They’re Mrs. Baja’s and Punky borrowed and put them on the nightstand.
>no,no, no, that’s hubs surprise halloween costume… he was too shy to wear red tights and go as superman, so he is going as clark kent, instead.
>Well, you know onr thing for sure, Sarah Palin wasn’t there. That and they are ugly as hell. Just sayin’.
>It’s clearly a case of a wrinkle in time gone wrong. The glasses obviously belong to a young Truman Capote.
>What an absurd mystery:-) Hee, hee, hee.
>Just thinking out loud…do your daughters have any friends who might own glasses such as these?
>They don’t, and even if they did, I am home ALL THE DAMN TIME. That’s what makes this story funny to me and not well, FRIGHTENING.We are leaning toward the possibility that they might be ski glasses (we borrowed a bunch of ski gear from friends a couple of years ago) and that Hubs may have put them on his nightstand when he cleaned out from under his bed recently…No, fuck that. I’m still leaning toward Ira Glass.
>Do you ever watch Curb Your Enthusiasm with Larry David? The strength of his epic stare-downs could reveal the real answer from your hubs. Come to think of it, the father in that show wears some glasses such as these…Has Larry David been in your house? Possibly rendezvouing (sp?) with Ira Glass? 🙂
>A Halloween mystree, shore ’nuff ;)It must be, ‘cuz them is some scary glasses, alright…perhaps one of your commenters has it right: Marzipan is back (though now can’t see anything, ‘cuz she left her ugly glasses behind…)
>Perhaps part of a Halloween costume? If no luck finding owner, consider donating to the Lions Club. There is usually a Lions Club eyeglass donation box at most optometrists and ophthalmologists.
>Ha ha. If I were to donate these glasses, I’d be laughed out of town! They couldn’t have cost more than $5!
>Wow, they are hideous. Quite a mystery.
>You have a ghost. And just in time for Halloween. It’s famous in these parts and is called: The Ghost Of Not Me. I recognize it’s MO as it visits here when not leaving a hideous pair of black plastic glasses with clear lenses on your husbands nightstand. Don’t worry it’s harmless. We know it’s active here when lamps fall off tables all by themselves or dirty clothes jump out of the laundry basket and land right next to said basket on the floor. I have found that our Not Me Ghost is easily exorcised by the across the board application of the Loss of Allowence Rite. However in your case you may want to take a more hands on approach. Like throwing away those hideous glasses before you forget you have them on and go outside……..
>Lindsay,You look Tina Fey-licious!LOL